I have a family situation that I cannot fix, but I would like to be a positive influence and contribute in a healthy way. A little background: My sister had three kids by age 25. She was a pretty good mom, but she was stressed a lot and a single mom a lot of that time. She was not a good housekeeper and not very organized at all. There was (and still is) in my mind some favoritism shown towards her oldest daughter. She has a daughter (25), a daughter (23), and a son (21). Her middle daughter has been challenging for many years. She would cuss at adults, throw fits and generally act much younger than she was. Now, she has a three year old daughter. She lives with my sister. My sister and my niece and her baby live together and do not get along well at all. My niece still treats her mom badly (she doesn't do so with us anymore). My sister constantly speaks about all the horrible things she does. But, she also talks about things that a lot of people do wrong- such as fail an important test in college. It seems as if my sister feels better about herself because she can point out all this wrong in my niece. EVERY time my sister comes over- there is a long list of what my niece has done wrong and what she has failed to do right. Today, she was talking to our mom and going into it again. I said, "Maybe we should stop talking about Kay", even though I was not involved. I have been guilty in the past, but I have realized that I was wrong. Here are some thoughts: 1. My sister is co-dependent. She wants her daughter to rely on her to feel needed. 2. My niece is living up to what is being expected from her. Her mom expects failure, so she is "failing" in some ways. I think if her mom were to be more positive with her (without allowing some behavior), it would be much better. 3. My sister likes having things to complain about. I have been that way in my life also, but I recognize it and try to do so less and less. I don't know what I can "do". I really don't see my niece but maybe once a week. I love her and I see a lot of potential in her. I want her to see that also. I just think there is so much anger and so many unresolved issues that it is going to be hard to turn around at this point.
Two things come to mind. First, I would try to spend one on one time with your niece and her child weekly, to help insert some positive influence/role modeling and to be a listening ear if she needs it. Second, I would definitely continue to remain uninvolved in any of the gossip sessions your sister has about your niece. If need be, physically remove yourself from the room and keep busy doing something else. Sometimes the thing that keeps people talking is the fact that they have an audience and think they are saying what people don't mind hearing and talking about themselves. If you have to remain in the room, just shrug your shoulders as if to say "I don't know.....Oh, well" and refuse to insert any opinion you may have. A person cannot carry on a conversation with themself, and eventually they pipe down when no one is giving them much interest anymore.
Kimmarie has some good ideas. Can you set your home up as a neutral territory? Set ground rules with your sister that there will be no negative talk about her daughter at your home. You'd have to remind her about the rule probably every time she came by until she realized you were serious about it.
Thank you for you suggestions. It will be something I have to be consistent on, because I have to admit- I have been very guilty of joining in the conversations before. I love my niece and I just want her to have a good life and realize that she can be a great mom and have a good life and everything. I don't think it is all my sister's fault that her daughter has some rough edges, but I don't think she is helping the situation either.
