Conventional wisdom seems to state that going away to college is a good thing. The student will learn "responsibility" and gain "independence". And after all, "I had a great time in college". I say "Baloney!" College is too expensive and going away adds unnecessary expense. Unless a student can not find a college within commuting distance that has the desired major, there is no need to go away to college. Many students come out of college now with unbelievable student loans, and more and more students don't stop at a bachelors degree so the loans just keep piling up. Furthermore, going away is no guarantee of a great time. I've known plenty of people personally, and from parents, whose child has gone away to college only to return home due to tremendous social and/or academic stress. I don't understand the mentality that going away will bring on maturity. Where is the evidence of that? In the messy dorm room, in the late nights, in drinking to intoxication? And staying at home will prevent a student from maturing? I don't believe that. Anyone else out there beginning to question this conventional wisdom?
For us, the decision to plan on a community college was a financial one; however, the closer we get to it (ds15 will be starting college at 17) I am thinking that he will benefit from me being here to help with his studies. Turns out poverty is going to be a blessing by having to live at home during college. :lol:
I think it depends upon the young person and the parent. Living at home while attending university was a HUGE mistake on my part, especially as I'd already tasted independence working summers with the military. If the young person is ready to step into adult responsibilities and the corresponding freedoms that come with it, but the parent isn't willing or able to step back and allow them the space to do that, then you've got a recipe for conflict. For us, it led to a lot of pain. And ultimately, because I felt pressured into attending a close university rather than one that had a program that interested me, I ended up dropping out of school shortly after I walked out of my mother's home and never came back. Leaving home isn't about "having fun". It's about getting to make your own mistakes, and figure out who you are and where you're going, without someone telling you what you should do every step of the way. It's about cleaning up your OWN messes, because no one else is going to do it for you. It's about learning to be an adult. I'm glad I got a couple of years to learn that I could provide for myself, before I got married. Some kids are ready to let go of their mother's hand at 17 or 18. Some aren't ready until 22, or older. But eventually, they all need to leave. Going to college is one way to do that, while still remaining somewhat protected and connected to home. But I do agree that some young people are likely better off remaining at home for a few years longer. By the way, this is an excellent book for any young person leaving home: http://www.amazon.ca/Good-Go-Practical-Guide-Adulthood/dp/0143055690
Having just been to a college open house recently, I can tell you that the emphasis sure seems like it's on having fun, meeting "friends I'll have for the rest of my life", and food available around the clock, oh right, and we have good teachers too. I agree, Meg, that when a child is ready for independence, nothing is going to stop them. But so many kids seem to see college as the chance to get that freedom, ready or not. I don't think people (students or parents) think carefully about the decision. I remember about 22 years ago, I was visiting a married friend. She was pregnant with her first child. Somehow the subject turned to college, and she said, "Yup. This child will go away to college. Or else he's out of the house some other way." Wow. She hadn't even met this child and she was already kicking it out of the house. It wasn't a matter of deciding what would be best for the particular child. The kid was going.
In general, I tend to agree that college isn't all it's cracked up to be. It is a very expensive "experiment" to see if a person is ready for adulthood. But I also realize that, like another person said, if parents aren't able to relinquish SOME control, then staying home past 18 is unhealthy for both parent and child. It really does depend on the individual. My dh was on his own at 17 but he had a strong work ethic, mental toughness and maturity. He didn't go to college, but went straight to the real world. My ds on the other hand, is 22 and lives with my mom,because quite frankly, she spoils him and he sees no need to go anywhere. This too is unhealthy.
The question is, where you do you feel God is leading you? I have no problem with college, but I don't think it should be the "default" setting, (no more than public school should be the "default" setting!). Rachael is looking seriously at things, but we're praying for serious scholarship money (dare I say "full-ride"?). And yes, it IS a real possibility, but NOT something that is definate! I have told her, though, that I don't want her to have to take out loans. I don't want her graduating with a mountain of debt over her head.
My mother was one of the, "This child will go to college come heck or high water," folks. That's because she was the first in her family to go to college, and for her it was an escape from an abusive home situation (it was bad enough that the dean of her college threatened to sue for custody of her). She became a university prof. University has been her entire life. I never had a choice. My kids don't have much choice in the matter, either. My husband was the first in HIS family to go to university, and it's given him a life his father could only dream of. His mother was a cashier, and his father was an autobody repairman. They struggled. My husband's engineering degree landed him a job in the civil service, where he's done very well for himself. His brother's college degree (computers) also got him a position in the civil service. I think university/college has become what a high school degree used to be in previous generations. It's the minimum level of education required for any kind of white collar job, and many blue collar jobs, too. Heck, all of the folks working at our local bookstore have university degrees! I know there are plenty of success stories, but in general I think not having a degree of some sort is a serious handicap in a young person's life. FWIW, (and I'm basing this only on what I've seen on TV about US universities) I also think Canadian universities tend not to have so much of a "party" atmosphere. Our kids grow up with a more relaxed attitude toward drinking, and sororities and fraternities have been banned in Ontario for a long time, so they tend not to go wild the moment they arrive. I grew up on a campus, and it really wasn't a 24/7 party. It was pretty boring, actually.
Thanks for weighing in, everyone. I'm specifically asking your opinions regarding going away to college. I agree, the question of whether everyone should go to college is a very interesting question. But right now I'd like to hear your opinions about whether going away is better than staying at home.
I think that depends totally on the child. Rachael will probably go away. Yes, she could stay here and go to Ohio State, but Ohio State doesn't give the scholarships other schools do. She could go away cheaper (including room and board) than what it would cost her to go to OSU and live at home. Plus, we'd have to find reliable transportation for her then. Also, I think Rachael going away will do Faythe a whole lot of good. Rachael does so much, that Faythe doesn't bother trying. I noticed when I was sick last week Faythe was the one who was constantly asking, "Mom, is there anything I can do to help? Do you need me to do something for you?" I think that will increase when Rachael's not around to "compete" with. I really Faythe is going to blossom quite a bit and come into her own without her sister around.
Great food for thought! Since Southern California is seeped in universities, Handsome and I want Ems to stay within travel distance. We do not believe that just because she is an adult means that she is free to make her own choices. This is assuming we are paying for part or all of her expenses. Handsome's paycheck isn't paying for parties and fun. It is simply what it is, an education. Also, just because a person is 18 doesn't mean they do not need parental advice or supervision. If this was not true we wouldn't have all the partying and more that comes along with campus life that have nothing to do with an education and have nothing to do with growing up. People do not have to party, drink, attend sex parties, or anything that can come along with campus living in order to learn to get along in the world. Bottom line, our children should be able to get along in the world before they leave the home. I dare say that those who live like party animals do so because they are not ready to be on their own. Those who think campus living is necessary to learn independance have it backward.
I'll give you an interesting perspective on this. I was 18 and had never been away from home longer than a week or two for camps. I wanted to go to college, and I wanted to stay close to home...my mother wanted me to get the "living away" experience. So I went to a school about an hour away from home, and lived in the dorms. I got dorm life and being responsible for myself, but I also got to come home every weekend and still be "mommy's little girl". For me this was an ideal situation. I feel like I got the best of both worlds, when I graduated and came home, I was only home for 2 months before I moved into my own apartment because I liked having that on my own freedom. For me it was preparation for what was to come. Less than a year after graduating college I moved 5 states away from my family, in order to be with my future husband (we were married 2 months after I got there).
Here's a thought - what about living off campus, versus living in a dorm? Do you see a difference? I never lived in a dorm. When I moved out of my mother's house, I crashed for a few nights at my best friend's. While there, I did what most homeless students do and found a "roommate wanted" listing in the newspaper. A couple days later I moved into a brownstone with two other girls, paying them rent for the room I slept in. I didn't drink, party or carouse. One of my roommates slept around a lot, but she was doing that long before she ever left her hometown. I was occasionally envious of the folks living in dorms. People seemed to develop more of a sense of camaraderie in the dorms. They were more connected to campus life and activities. They helped each other with homework and partied more. But I think dorm living is less like real life - it protects students from the real world, putting them into a situation closer to a boarding school, and less like independent living. I'm less enamoured of dorm life, than I am of simply getting a roommate (or two, or three) and living off campus. Some Canadian universities, though, insist students have to spend their first year in the dorm, for their own safety. Dorm life has the advantage of catching students suffering their first bout of mental illness, academic counselling, and practical protection in the form of campus security. Plus some dorm have strict curfews and limits on alcohol (there are "dry" dorms). So... I guess I'm saying I can see both sides here.
I went out of state for two years to a Christian school (Oral Roberts), then spent a summer in France pushing wheelchairs and dropped out one year, then transferred to Bowling Green (Ohio), about two hours away. I could have gone straight to BGSU, but felt I needed the more sheltered environment of the Christian school at first. I was very active in a Campus Ministry while at BG. Last fall, Rachael and I went up to BG because the Campus Minister who had been there while I was there was coming for Alumni Weekend, and was preaching. I couldn't go the whole time, but we drove up for the Sunday morning service, and went to the Campus House for a cookout afterwards. Rachael had a lovely visit with the college students, and I had a fantastic time with old friends. Then I asked the current campus minister how he felt about Christian vs. secular education. One thing he said was that the Christian kids that went to a State School came away having been tested. They are stronger for it. Those that attend a Christian school often are not yet tested, and has to go through that once they graduate. I personally believe there's some truth in that. If a young person has a strong faith and gets involved in a campus ministry or church of some kind, a secular school can be a great place for them. But they MUST have Christian support, and THEY must CHOOSE to go looking for it. For us, I feel Rachael is strong enough spiritually to do that. So if she ends up at a state school, I'd be OK with it. But if she ends up at a Christian school, I'd be OK, too.
I lived in dorms and then off campus. I think dorm life was better for me, because living on campus, I was emersed in college. I went to a Christian college that had a curfew and other rules to help new college students from going crazy with their new-found freedom. I also think living with a roommate helped prepare me for married life. I had to resolve conflicts that I'd never have encountered at home. I did meet my life-long friends there, and I did have a blast. I remember the names of all my professors and enjoyed seeing them on campus. Also, it was nice to not have to worry about meals, and the library was always just a short walk away. Study groups were easy to do, because we were all there living together. That college was 600 miles away from my home, so I got to explore an entirely different part of the country. Oh, and it was a good transition time. I think as the last child at home, my mother and I needed that distance to start establishing our new adult child/mother relationship. I transferred out of that school after two years and went to another college. There, I decided to live off campus. I wasn't living at home but was living in an efficiency in town by myself. I did not do as well academically, because I got busy with the daily tasks of working (at an off-campus job), cooking, cleaning, driving to and from school, etc. I missed out on a lot on campus, and I can only remember the name of one person at that college with whom I graduated and that's only because he goes to my church now. I don't remember a single professor's name! It was a pain when we had group projects to do; I was always the one that caused the scheduling problems for the group. I hope my kids can have an on-campus experience, however, I may encourage them to go to community college for a year or two to help reduce the overall cost. I need them out of my sight in order to completely let them stand on their own. If they are home, I KNOW I would be asking about their homework and mentally keeping track of their schedule and reminding them of things. It's what I do; I don't think I'll be able to turn that off just because they're 18.
My mother made me go to college. I didn't want to (and it was a bad career move for me). I figured the best thing I could do, if I had to go, was get the heck out of Dodge. I moved 900 miles away. It was a really bad idea for me. Yes, I had freedom. Yes, that was the problem. I wasn't prepared for freedom and I made life-altering mistakes (not the 'learn a grown up lesson' kind. The 'you screwed your future' kind).
I definitely don't believe that going away to college is better than staying home! If the education part is what a person is attempting to gain by going to college, I feel it can be acquired perfectly fine from a local college - assuming it's one in good standing. I've also recently heard that online studies are continuing to become very popular and can be a great way to earn a degree while having time to do other things as well, without being consumed with the "college life" mentality.
I went about 1,000 miles away to college. It was a Christian college. I adjusted fine. I went across the ocean to live in Europe for a year at age 20. I adjusted fine there too. It may depend on the individual though. I wouldn't have a problem with my child going away to college because I felt the need to keep him under my wing a little longer. I wouldn't want him to go far because I would miss him and still want to see him everyday. It is highly likely that my children will go to the other side of the world to go to college. :cry: I'm not looking forward to that.
Yes, they're popular, but the education one receives is sub-standard. (I've taken both seated and online courses from three different schools. Unless you are perfectly capably one teaching one's self with no assistance from your professor, you will gain nothing from online courses. Yes, there are exceptional professors who manage to actually teach you, but they are rare. If you intend to utilize the skills you learn in college, you'll be largely disappointed in online degrees.)
I recently spoke with a person regarding online degrees, and, while he did say there is a huge difference in credibility, etc. of some of these online colleges, he has taken some courses and said it is an excellent way to further your education. He certainly advised doing your research carefully before choosing, and perhaps because he's now in his mid 20's he has the maturity and dedication to do well without the actual help of a professor like one would receive in a college classroom. He has also gone to college for part of his education, too, and can relate to learning in that manner as well. I'm sure the online way isn't for everybody. Though it could be for others - perhaps for those students/homeschoolers who have been able to adapt to working much more independently at their studies.
The online courses through the local community college are more expensive per credit hour, too. For us, bottom lines are bottom lines. Whatever path our kids are on, we will help get them there. My ds15 will be going into criminal justice. He can get his Associate at the community college. There are many degrees here in IL that are now only available at one state campus. Where it is is where it is. As far as keeping them home for college to prevent sin, I hope I would have done my job well enough to have raised a child who is capable of rational thought. I can't be accountable for the choices they make. I'm sure they will at least ponder doing something stupid. I just pray that they stay close to the Lord and learn from all the other hung over people around them that they don't want that for themselves. And it just so happens that they can find parties within a few miles of home, too.
