Are there really difficult children? Are some children just naturally difficult? I feel like my dd is difficult and then I feel guilty for thinking this. She is the one I talked about before. She sits from morning until night wasting time. We start school around 9-9:30. My other dc finish anywhere from noon to 3:00. By the time they are finished, dd has barely done a thing. When dh gets home he tells her to do her work and she finishes it within a half hour to an hour. If she can finish it that quickly, why wouldn't she just do that earlier so she can play the rest of the day? The other major issue with her is illness. If she gets sick, and it doesn't matter with what... is can be the common cold, she starts throwing up, not eating, losing weight and this can go on for up to two weeks. She was desensitized to milk and peanuts (took several years to accomplish this) and she has to take a daily maintenance dose. Well, when she is sick, she takes an hour to drink it and then sometimes she throws it right up. I think she just doesn't want it. Well, she has to take it or she will no longer be desensitized. She knows this and says she doesn't want to quit but then will sit there complaining about it. What do I do? We are not considering letting her stop the maintenance dosing. I just wanted to shed more light on her personality. She is our child that does not behave and is very stubborn and disrespectful. She knows what she is allowed to do and not allowed to do, yet she seems to gravitate towards doing the stuff she is not allowed to do. Some of it just doesn't even make sense. She will just randomly cut up paper all over her floor, draw on the carpet with crayons (there is currently a big purple "x" on the carpet in her room which she initially denied doing), she draws on her desk instead of doing schoolwork (even right after I clean it, she does it again), etc. She has absolutely no respect for me as her mother. She does not listen to me at all. It's like I didn't even say anything. I have tried reward systems. I have a ticket system for good behavior, completing work on time, good grades, etc. They can buy prizes with their tickets. I signed her up in ballet (even though behavior wise, she didn't deserve it). I thought it would help... it did not. Today, I told her that I was planning on taking her to see The Nutcracker this weekend with her friend, but she needs to eat and get better. She is still sitting there not eating lunch. She didn't eat breakfast. She really hasn't eaten much in three days. Just liquids and little nibbles here and there. I'm getting frustrated because I don't know if I should make her leave the table because she's been sitting there over an hour or is it worth it just to get the small nibbles in her system. I kinda get the feeling she is drawing it out to avoid school work. You might be saying "Schoolwork while she is clearly sick?!" Well, this is going to go on for a week or two. She can't miss a week or two every time she gets sick. Plus, the boys were looking at something that she thought was interesting. When she realized, she jumped out of bed ran down the hall, and in a normal voice, said, "I want to see!" She had just been in the bed moaning that her stomach hurt. Sorry for the rant. I know this is the type of thread that usually goes downhill, but if anyone out there has any suggestions I am all ears. I have considered sending her to school, but I don't know if that will solve anything. I know on the days she is sick (and that can last up to two weeks) she would be almost impossible to get to school. She usually feels the sickest in the morning. Especially early morning. Help! ETA: Did I mention she is eight years old?
I highly recommend The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki. It changed my life. Yes, to answer your question, some kids are naturally difficult. Like you, I felt so guilty thinking that about a child I love so very very much. Because of that, I put off buying this book for a full year because I didn't like the title. It's worth it!
That is a difficult situation. I don't know how others feel, but I think 8 is a bit young to have a child do work independently. Can you sit beside her and help her with her assignments and gradually start giving small assignments to do on her own? My almost 8 year old works best when I am sitting next to him. Is she more of a dreamer/oblivious to what she was supposed to be doing/had no idea that what she did was wrong or is she deliberately defiant? I ask because I have a child who is a dreamer and he can do some rather foolish things like cutting up paper all over the carpet, writing on his desk, pouring water in shoes, jumping in a tub fully clothed, forgetting to do something because he became involved in something else, etc. It took me some time to realize he wasn't being defiant. He truly didn't realize that what he did wasn't a good choice until after I said something. He is a dreamer - big time and I have to be on top of him during our school day or he is off in his imagination. We are also working on problem solving skills this year to help him understand things like identifying problems in day to day life, inferencing, sequencing, and problem solving. This should help him understand that pouring water in dh's shoes is a bad idea without me having to tell him. Understanding that my son wasn't being deliberately defiant totally changed my outlook and expectations. I expect to remind him a couple times and check and double check at least at this stage of his life.
Sounds a lot like my dd too. I think that we need to take extra care to work on our reactions to them (I'm still working on it though). Sometimes I feel I'm in a rut, and I react negatively even when what she's done isn't outright defiant. **sigh** It's hard when the others are fairly compliant, and you have one that pushes things ever time. Stand strong! Kevin Leman http://www.drleman.com/store/ Has some great books. Our church did one of his DVD studies, and it was a great help. I think that half the battle is our mindset. Try not to think of it like she is doing it to 'get' you, or 'on purpose'. A lot of what young kids do is just reaction to how they feel and what is happening around them. She may not even realize that she is being 'difficult'. It's just they way she has programmed herself to respond. Now our job is to find ways to re-program both parent and child to respond better. Easier said than done though! I'll pray for both of you!
Oh, my goodness, yes there are naturally difficult children! I do NOT say that to be mean. I have three kids and they each have different personalities. My youngest came into this world fighting and hasn't stopped since!He is just wired to be argumentative and defiant. If you state that the sky is blue he will swear up and down it's green, just because he can. I have butted heads with that child for 9 years, he still insists I can't "make" him do anything. (He's been proven wrong on many occasions) The only reason he is not completely feral is because I'm just as stubborn as he is! The good news is these strong willed kids grow up to be the least likely to be led astray by negative influences, have great leadership skills, and are usually incredibly independent. Maturity is a wonderful thing! Hang in there, mama. I've been there and you're not alone, and you're not a bad mom. The trick is to outlast them.
Have you read The Strong Willed Child by Dr. Dobson? There were some things in there that really helped us. My son is my strong willed child, much like leissa described hers. In fact, the PS wanted to label him as ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). He's far from that, though, just strong willed. One suggestion I would make from what you've written is that your rewards may have to be more immediate and more concrete with her. Also, the time intervals may have to been smaller. For example, rather than giving her a ticket for work completed on time, immediately give her a reward or a privilege. If she works hard for 5 minutes, let her color in a coloring book (or whatever she likes to do) for 5 minutes. KWIM? Gradually extend the time she has to work to earn the reward. I know this can be tricky when you have more than one child, though. For the writing on the desk, maybe have random "desk inspection" times. Those who still have clean desks get a reward (a sticker, piece of gum, etc). Those who don't have to clean their desks. You could start out doing them very close together before she has a chance to write on it. That way she could be successful. Then, increase the amount of time until it's a day or two in between. Hope that helps some. It's hard when you have a strong willed child. You're not alone!
OMG My daughter is difficult, too. It is very true that these types of kids are least likely to be influenced by the 'crowd' and that's a great thing. I've seen that true in my daughter's case. She is very by the book. On the other hand, if she gets a bug in her head about something, anything, she will not let go. She's like a bulldog. And very demanding and opinionated. I wish I could break her of that. I'm not sure that's possible. Actually, I'm pretty sure its not. I just need to teach her how to harness that and not alienate everyone around her!
Leissa - You made me laugh so hard! "Maturity is a wonderful thing! Hang in there, mama. I've been there and you're not alone, and you're not a bad mom. The trick is to outlast them." I love it! Faith3 - Dobson also says the strong willed child is like a security guard, always checking every door to make sure it's locked. Your child wants the doors to be locked, but they'll check and make sure - often! They keep pushing, but deep down they want the door to be locked, they want you to be stronger. They'll just keep pushing and testing every day to be sure! Dobson has a DVD series on the the strong willed child too. (I like DVD sets because DH will watch them too!). Maybe you can see if a local church or homeschool group would purchase them for a group study? Blessings!
Thanks for all the replies, everyone! I really appreciate it. I am glad I am not the only one dealing with this because I can sure use the advice. I am definitely going to check out the book suggestion. Thanks again!
Faith3 I will tell you to be strong it will get better. My youngest use to be that way. I had to sit right beside her for years or she wouldn't do anything. Try doing that first. Just right there even if you are working on something else. It helps alot. But, as they get older they will get it and go on there own. I know she is doing so well now on. So, don't give up. Just find out what works and stick to it for awhile.
OK, I am not an expert. I have only one child and he is a great kid. He has his moments, but they are few and far between. I will offer suggestions: 1. I think the reward system may help, but you also have to stick to your guns about negative consequences. If she does A wrong and she knows it is wrong, then give her a set consequence. Do this without deviating. Don't let her plead for a shorter or easier consequence. Do make it reasonable. For example, if she doesn't clean her room, let her know the next day, she gets an added chore. 2. Give the consequences and enforce the consequences with as little emotion as possible. Try to avoid the shaming words or yelling. I have done this wrong with my son and it only makes things worse. It might help to wait to remind her of the consequence until you have calmed down. If you see her room is still dirty, wait and then at a different time gently remind her, "Because you didn't clean your room yesterday, you have to empty all the trash cans in the house." 3. Spend some time with her that is non-confrontational. Take her on a walk or to the movies or just play a board game with her. 4. Connect to what she is interested in. 5. Look for what she does right and point it out as readily as you point out the things she does wrong or even more so.
Yes. I have no helpful advice, but I wanted to let you know you are NOT alone. I have a child who is just naturally difficult. I hate to use that word, but it is accurate when said in love. Sometimes I have to just sit back and observe him because he is a fascinating study in "oh my gosh, that child's gonna take over the world and I'm still not sure if I want to be around to see it".
