Learning to deal with the "real world" types of people.

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In my experience children learn to deal with difficult people much more effectively when they are allowed to spend time in the real world, not an artificial environment! Children learn by modeling, my children have watched me and they have watched my husband deal with difficult people and difficult situations. We model for them how to deal effectively with rude people. They have also encountered rude children in parks and at other public places, they have had arguments with cousins and disagreements with friends. They learn to deal with these situation properly because their parents are there to observe the situation and help them respond appropriately.
Anytime I hear people saying that children need to be in school to learn how to interact properly I can't help but wonder whether they have ever read Lord of the Flies?

 

I agree with Amy. I don't think that PS is going to model how to get along with the "real world" type of people. In our home we try to model it and teach how Jesus dealt with the "real world" people.

 

Oh, let's send him to school so he can learn how to handle being bullied!!! You know, that's what it sounds like to me :evil:!!!

There are two things you need to understand. First, there's plenty of teachers, especially Special Needs teachers, who have to justify their expensive degree by proving just how much THEY know, and how little you uneducated PARENT knows. I mean, how dare you think you, with your very limited knowledge, think your love out-trumps all their education, and that you can do as good if not a better job teaching him!!!

Second, the school district gets BIG BUCKS from the state and federal government for each special ed kid that attends their program. If the kid is home-educated, they don't get the money.

 

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Ah. So who's paying her...you, or the district?

 

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And he's telling you that your son needs to deal with being bullied. No. I'd fire him right away, if he understands so little about him.

 

Here's my thought. He isn't learning how to deal with rude people. He's going to learn how to shut down. My now 22 yr old aspie never "learned" how to deal with mean people. He learned how to completely avoid those people. He learned to have low self esteem. He learned to bully first. School was the worst thing in the world for him. He had no model to learn from, since schools typically do not intervene in bullying situations. My other two children who are 9 and 11, who have been hs'ed the whole time, have excellent coping skills. Our tiny library had one very difficult volunteer that NO ONE in town liked. My daughter would just continue to smile pleasantly whenever the lady checked out her books, then later say that the poor lady must be very unhappy to treat people like that. She didn't have to go to school to figure this out.

 

I'm the mother of a daughter with ADHD, Anxiety, Bipolar, and Aspergers. I was told not to send my daughter to school. The stress would totally do her in. I can't imagine sending her to school because someone says she needs to be in the "real world." I understand our children have to learn but not that way. I truly thinks it hurts them more than it helps.

 

I agree with everyone else here. In the 'real' world, how often does your co-worker take your lunch? How often do they knock you down in the hall way? The answer is almost never, because adults generally don't behave that way. Yes, as adults they will encounter people who are rude or don't think anything of hurting someone's feelings, but you can teach them how to cope with that MUCH better than a bunch of other kids ever could.

 

I agree. My son has Asperger's and he was in public school for a few months and he didn't learn any coping skills (or social skills, for that matter) in his class. I don't think that dealing with being bullied is the kind of experience anyone needs, least of all a child on the spectrum. I think your consultant probably just doesn't understand homeschooling at all, else he wouldn't make that recommendation to you.

 

Couldn't agree with this statement more. I'd pull my kid out of school so fast his head would spin.

A child does not gain confidence in himself by growing a thick skin dealing with ugly people. He gains confidence by trusting himself, his own decisions and not being ridiculed for being "different". Yes, people exist like that in the real world, but you should NEVER have to learn to be bullied.

Ugly is ugly. And giving our kids the love and tools they need in a nurturing environment builds more confidence.

 

Agreeing with the others. You don't need school to learn to cope with mean, rude, ignorant, hurt people. DS has encountered difficult children at the park, fast food places, church (yes I said church) a bit of everywhere. DD has a friend at dance that can often be very mean. They are friends but when this little girl has a bad day it is really tough on my dd. They are 4 and mom even admits most of this your not my friend ugly behavior is coming from school. Sorry that got longer than I intended but if you are able and willing to home school do it and don't look back.

 

In general, I believe kids will be better able to deal with "real world" issues when they have a bit of maturity and plenty of exposure to people with good social skills (i.e. adults). I do think time with peers is important for someone on the spectrum though. I wouldn't keep him in an environment surrounded with kids with poor social skills though. Bullies and mean kids aren't the best environment for learning good social skills.

 

Exactly. There are laws in place to protect people from work place harassment. If they should fail, then we live in a free country and the harrassed can get a new job and sue the old employer. What's a child to do? He's a captive target without the assurances, freedoms or even rights of an adult.

I had a "professional" try to tell me that children needed to be in public school to learn to deal with bullies. Seriously? If bullying is so good for kids, then why have schools adopted "zero tolerence" policies against it. That would mean that the bullies themselves are being short changed by not being on the receiving end of the harassment.

I think the few heartwarming stories of people being spurred on to greatness because of some hardship in their life have unduly influenced some. For example, think about the real life story told in Soul Surfer. A young woman overcame the hardship of loosing her arm in a shark attack and returned to competitive surfing. That hardship and struggle helped to develop her into an amazing person. Call me a bad mother, but despite that story, I'm not ready to toss my child into a shark tank so that she can "benefit" from the same struggle.

 

Embassy took the words out of my mouth. If you feel like he need more interaction with other kids, find somewhere that you can see what's going on. Getting together with the kids in church or a homeschool group would give him an opportunity to learn. Situations will arise, but at least you know the other kids have parents who are teaching them how to be kind, and will get involved when they aren't.

 

I also have an Aspie, and I have been advised by numerous doctors and psychologists that the worst place for him is PS. Adults don't put up with bullying. Bullies go to jail or become homeless because they can't keep a job. If adults don't have to deal with bullies, why should a 3rd grader who is already at a social disadvantage?

To answer your question, though, my son has dealt with bullying at summer camp. I'm sure he'll get it in boy scouts eventually, too. (We're not starting until at least the Fall.) Where there are kids, there are bullies.

 

Ochumgache - Loved your post... especially your point about depriving bullies of the valuable experience of being bullied, and the analogy of the shark tank.
Very well said!

 

Hello.

I have a 21 year old son with Asperger's Syndrome. He went to public school until 6th grade. We were advised by many school professionals that he needed to be in public school to learn to cope in the real world. He was bullied for years by the same kids. The only thing that he learned was that he was hated. He used to come home from school to tell us that everyone hated him. In second grade things got a lot worse for him. That year in October, he became so frustrated and hurt that his behavior deteriorated. His behavior was horrible. His teachers told us that he did not know how to effectively deal with bullies. We felt that he should not be bullied.

Our son's psychiatrist attempted to control his behavior with stronger meds, and our son had a bad reaction to the meds. He ended up in a children's treatment program. After 3 1/2 weeks they were able to get his medications and behavior stabilized. They were the ones who diagnosed him with Asperger's Syndrome. He had been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. He returned to public school and did fairly well that year. The next year he had problems again in October and November. He was again hospitalized briefly and stabilized. He returned to school and completed that year with a lot of problem behaviors.

When he was in fourth grade, we were still fighting for the school to accept his diagnosis of AS. They felt he would be better served under the general category of Other Health Impaired rather than the Autism category. The Autism designation entitles the child to more services (which are expensive). They disagreed with his diagnosis and wanted him to be seen by their own ''experts". Subsequently, he was seen by a variety of professionals who overwhelming agreed that he was autistic. We were told by a psychiatrist that they sent him to see that in his professional opinion our son was classic Asperger's Syndrome. He also said that he felt that he was so stressed by October every year that his behavior deteriorated. He was the one who recommended that we home school our son.

That was the year that the school finally conceded to change his designation to Autism. He began to receive services and accommodations that were more appropriate for him, but the damage had been done at that point. By 5th grade our son had become school phobic. We had to literally force him to get on the bus. All he could think about when he went to Back to School Night was how many of his bullies were in his homeroom class. I was monitoring on the school bus to help him cope.

By this time, we were already homeschooling our 3rd grade daughter with learning disabilities and ADHD. We made the decision to home school our son as well. He wanted to finish 5th grade and "graduate" with his class. The school tried desperately to dissuade us. They assured us that things would be better for him in middle school. We knew in our hearts that we were making the right decision. He had become severely school phobic, withdrawn, and sad. His self-esteem was badly damaged. His math skills were badly underdeveloped due to an undiagnosed learning disability.

We home-schooled our son from 6th grade through graduation. I won't say that the homeschooling years were sunshine, roses and happiness, but they were much less turbulent than his public school years. Over the years, we discovered that there were lots of opportunities for our son to learn coping skills and social skills in more supportive environments. Overall, boy scouts was an excellent choice for our son. He learned many life skills and made lasting friends. He is an Eagle Scout. He acted in church plays and was active in the youth group at our church. He attended 4H and taught himself a lot about computers and electronics. His home school years were a time of healing for our son. We concentrated on providing him a safe stable environment in which to learn.

Our son has matured so much in the last two years. He graduated from high school (home school) in 2010. He has a stable part-time job in a local factory. He has a driver's license and is a fairly good driver. He is attending a local technical college studying computers and has excellent grades. He is no longer taking medication. He is involved in the media ministry at our church. We are so proud of all of his accomplishments. These are things that seemed impossible just a few short years ago.

I wish that I had listened to my heart and removed our son from public school earlier. I regret listening to the school's advice and leaving him with the the bullies who destroyed his self-esteem and broke his heart. If I had it to do over again, I would take him out immediately. I am thankful that we did eventually make that decision. I believe that our son would have become a very angry young man had we not intervened to home school him.

Listen to that still small voice of God in your heart. Do not be swayed by the voices around you. You know what is best for your child. If God and your heart are telling you that homeschooling is the best choice for your child, for his sake please listen. Do not wait another moment before bringing your son home to learn in a loving environment. You will never regret that decision---believe me. Bullies and heartbreak will not shape your child into a loving, confident and capable adult!

Bountiful blessings,
Susan