I have contemplated this for quite some time.. It has finally come to the point that I KNOW we have to leave this church.. It's a toxic relationship.. I have NO clue where we are going to go but we will be looking.. Hubby doesn't go to church and he is the only reason I was staying at the church because he grew up there and wanted us to go. I'm tired of being in a spiritually dead environment.. I leave there feeling drained.. My boys are NOT happy.. They are part of the praise band so now the band will be broken up. Which that was a toxic thing too.. One of the singers throws tantrums when things don't go her way and will walk out of band practice after she chews out everyone in there.... It's just sucking the life out of us.. Now, she and her brother have plastered all over facebook that my boys ruined the band.. And church leaders are "like"ing the posts that are RUDE. That's NOT the way to deal with behavior like this.. The girl is 18 and should know better.. And if anything they should be quoting scripture to back up why the behavior is not okay.. There are so many reasons why we are leaving don't even want to go into all of them. The main reason is the spiritually dead environment.. If we are called to be the hands and feet of christ then why is it okay to shun a homeless person who comes into the church??? Or the girl who rides a bike everywhere and is shy so doesn't talk to anyone because they don't talk to her.. Shunning is not part of my religious beliefs. I'm sorry, but YES I WILL talk to the homeless lady who couldn't find a seat because YOU wouldn't move over for her!! Reguardless of why she was there! My heart aches for the people there.. They don't get it!! Yes, and no more shunning the homeschool people.. I'm not dealing with it anymore... I go to church to be built up by likeminded people. Not torn down.. And my kids will not entertain your antics any longer.. Please pray for us as we venture out to find a new church family.. My kids are heartbroken over the band.. They love it and are good.. I know that God has bigger plans for them so I have to trust that all this is happening for a reason.. Thanks for letting me vent and for all your prayers!
My family and I recently (last summer) left our long time church because it was toxic and spiritually dead just like you are about to do. It was very hard and still is sometimes. We had to mourn and then church shop. Church shopping is dreadful. Just remember to ask God where He wants you. It was when we finally stopped using our own 'human' criteria to pick a church that we found a new home. We KNOW that God wants us where we are now and we are so blessed with the people at this new church.
I agree. That's not the place you or your kids need to be. Find a church that's more concerned with doing God's will rather than their own. Find a church that constantly seeks answers through the Word, not through their own opinions. Find one that is never content with who they are. When we grow content, we grow complacent, and that's a recipe for disaster that easily allows Satan to take over the leadership and eventually the members. Weeds look a lot like good plants until it's too late.
I will continue to pray for your family as you 'shop.' I'm in the middle of looking myself, so I completely understand the sense of dread that goes with it. I would suggest you suggest to your boys to unfriend those people who are clearly not their friends. That will save them some heartache.
So sorry for what you are going through. At least your boys will be able to recognize when God says it is time to move on by your example. Praying for you to feel overwhelming peace and love when you step foot in the right church for your family.
We'll be praying that the Lord would lead you and your family. We'll also be praying for your husband.
Today has been a rough one.. Mad teens and a grandmother who tells me that i have to consider the kids because they are at an impressionable age.. Making it sound like I should stay because the kids are happy there. Now i am second guessing my decision.. Why does this have to be so hard.. I feel like we should be leaving but are the reasons "really" good enough or are they things that I can fix by talking with the pastor.. Or should I leave the boys there and go elsewhere:: I don't like that idea at all conidering what's going on at the church.. I don't think that's an option at all.. And now that they have endured redicule of their peers I don't know how things will go over if they did go back... I just seriously don't see how this could be where we are supposed to be.. Pickings are slim here though.. Not a lot of churches to choose from in a town of 13000.. I'm going to be picky.. Maybe too picky.. So I'm afraid we won't find a church here that we are happy with.. I know that there is no perfect churches but..... So what should i do? how do you know that you have found the right church?? I am assuming that I will just know.. This is NOT fun!!!
I wonder if you could call around and "interview" the pastors at the churches in town? I heard our former pastor talk about getting calls from prospective attendees who wanted to know about the church before visiting. I think it would be a reasonable thing to do.
We just left our church this last summer. We'd been very active servants in it [trust me, above and beyond the call of duty] for 8 years. I fought pretty hard to stay at the church over the last year we were there. What finally snapped it for me was when I caught the pastor and the head of the personnel committee outright jerking me around and outright lying to me---- and it wasn't even about anything that should've even merited that kind of behavior in any circumstance! I'm still bitter about that. Anyway, the church we found is one where I feel at peace. I hadn't felt that in a long time. A number of the families homeschool [and it's a small church]. It really clicked with me this last Sunday that this was where I really wanted to be when I saw all the kids on the basketball court before Sunday School. From teens down to the younger ones, they were all running around with the balls and having a great time together. Our new church seems to embrace a lot of the ideas of what we've always thought a church should be, and I'm glad God led us there. I do recommend you do the 'interview' process that Alice suggested. My husband always sits down with the pastors and has talks with them about what the church is like and what their vision for it is. It's a good jumping point and can save you the headache of visiting a church that never had a chance of being selected anyway.
Oh wow!! DO NOT give in to the ones not present saying you should stay OR to the teens that really have no idea what's best for them yet. I know how hard it is to find the right place, especially when your kids are young/teen years, but it is so important. I would call around to the churches are interested in and really get the beliefs and practices nailed down before even visiting. Do a home Bible class in the meantime and keep praying for direction and clarity. Good Luck!!
The youth pastor just called my son to find out if they were still in the band.. Said he saw all the drama on FB.. And is going to get togehter with us tomorrow... I really don't want to deal with this.. My husband wants no part of it so it all falls on my shoulders.. I don't even know what to say....
I completely understand your feelings and this situation. We left the first church we went to last year. We were VERY active. My children were all in the childrens choir and dance team and every play. I also had started a he co-op there. As soon as we made that final decision to go, it was like a huge weight was lifted. I no longer felt stressed. I no longer felt that I was obligated to go. We went to another church 2 weeks later. We liked it but it wasn't quite for us. My Dh and I just continued to pray and it took 2 months but we found the best church for us. All 5 of us enjoy it, we are growing and there is a large hs community there. Good luck with everything. I know that it can be difficult and stressful at times to church "shop" but in the end when you find the church that works for you, it is all worth it. Becca
From what I remember based on what you've said of the youth pastor, he's going to try to bully you into staying. Be firm. That is a truly toxic situation, even for your children, so "happy there" is a ridiculous idea.
Through all the problems you have shared regarding this church, have you ever sat down with the head pastor and discussed what is happening in the church? I do not know both sides of the story but I do know that you should talk it over with the pastor if you haven't done so; I am assuming you already tried talking with the youth pastor. If you have acted Biblically and your actions are right before the Lord, then move on with confidence. Whatever you do, attend church with your children as a family. The enemy loves to divide families when it comes to the Lord. As it is, your children are already without their dad at church, they need you right now. :love:
Sometimes change can be hard, but in the end can be beautiful. I hope you find a wonderful church that embraces everyone who walks through the door. I believe that my church is a pretty good one overall. They definitely want everyone who wants to attend to do so and feel welcomed. That being said, I am sure there are individuals who on their own aren't so inviting. The hard thing about being a medium-large church is the sheer numbers of people are going to be so varied. I just hope and pray that new visitors will be warmly welcomed by the members that are inviting. We do have one woman who talks to herself sometimes. It can be a little uncomfortable, but I think it is wonderful also. Even in her struggles she comes faithfully and seems to really love being there. She smiles and greets people and seems genuinely joyful.
It's so difficult to be in this situation, but it sounds like you're making the right choice. If you are at peace with it, then I'm sure you're doing what's right. Indeed, it sounds like a toxic environment. I'll pray that the Lord leads you as you find a new place.
Well, the decision is final.. we are NOT going back to that church!! Youth pastor called today while we were at co-op and wanted to meet today to talk.. Myself and a friend of mine are in the same situation.. So he called both of us together which was fine because that made it more comfortable for me.. I told the youth pastor why we were leaving and expressed some concerns I had.. Same with my friend whom never "joined" the church.. So basically she wasn't that big of a priority.. Said my youngest son was his favorite out of the youth and that my older son had behavioral issues.. GRRRRR.. Went on to give us both parenting advice when his only child is 2 months old.. Suggested that we put our children first and not be selfish. Asked us what we were going to do until we found a church.. He had a concern since both of us homeschool that we would just stick with having bible study together and the kids would not be around other kids and would have issues in the real world when they graduated.. GRRRRR After blasting the both of us for about 45 min he asked if he could pray.. and if we had any requests.. The only request we had was for my husbands heart.. He prayed and if felt like he was talking to US in his prayer.. Praying about HIS youth group and how he hoped that this didn't affect it and never prayed for my husband.. When he was done he said bye and walked out the door.. My friend and I picked our jaws up off the floor and took a couple of breaths and looked at each other and said "did that REALLY just happen?". We both felt like we were given a lecture and our concerns didn't matter.. I'm SOOOO sad right now.. That meeting REALLY hurt.. And the more I think about it the more hurt I am.. I'm sad for my friend too.. I know that God never shuts one door without opening another so, even though I am sad, I know that God has something better in store for us.. Please continue to pray as we look for a church that will work for our family.. And also say a prayer for our former youth pastor and church..
Oh my stars and garters. RUN AWAY from there. Something is very wrong in that situation. I would be sure and send a letter to the head pastor about why you are leaving on the off chance that he has no idea what's going on there. I'll be praying for your family and that of your friend as well to find where God wants you to be.
