So, I sat down with my 9 year old to talk to him about how we need to start learning again. I got no where! All he kept telling me was that he was not going to do any of the work I give him and that all he wants to do is play video games. I know Hooda is an "educational" website, but I just don't feel that that is all he needs to do. I asked him to help me come up with ideas or things that interest him. He wouldn't talk to me about it. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I did this whole "homeschooling" thing to try and make him a better kid. I just feel that I have a bad egg! Should I put him in some sort of counseling or military school? He is just so "I'm gonna do ONLY what I want to do".:cry:
I realize all kids are different, and I sympathize with your problem. I am going to offer some advice...please don't take it as criticism. Believe me, I've been there! First of all, if my 9 year old ever tells me they are NOT going to do something (direct defiance of an instruction) they are going to face immediate consequences. This is in NO WAY acceptable. You are the parent..you make the rules. You determine what he IS or IS NOT going to do. I would suggest not sitting down as if it is a discussion...I think that's your first mistake. He gets the impression that he has a say so...and he has proven that he cannot have a say so. I'm not advocating not letting him speak or hearing him out...just let him know from the get go that the decisions are yours to make. Now to some practical advice....get rid of the video games. And I don't mean for an hour if he'll work really well for an hour...I mean for 2 weeks or a month! Make a point. You are in a battle of wills, and right now, he is winning. Get rid of anything he finds enjoyable...games, TV, computer, etc...until he realizes he has some responsibility...to obey you, and do his work! Personally, I also spank my children at 9 years old for flat out disobedience. (I have a 9 yo ds,...this is experience talking, lol!) He would not set foot out of this house until his behavior changed, would not watch 1 show or play 1 game, etc, etc. One thing I have learned to be highly effective is this...keep your voice low, say things ONE time. It's not an argument...it's a statement of rules, expectations, and consequences/rewards...then it is action. Hope this helps!
You were wanting to unschool, weren't you? Maybe that's not something he's ready to do right now. I don't know that unschooling is a good fit for every child/family, and maybe - again, at least right now - it's not a good fit in your case. Perhaps for this first year it might be a good idea to find a regular curriculum and go with that and move toward unschooling from there. It might help him find things that interest him [e.g. in studying from a science book, he might discover he's really fascinated with marine animals--- that could then help you move toward unschooling in some fashion]. I agree with Emily on the defiance issue. My kids learned very, VERY early on that no child, certainly not my own, says 'no' to me. Whatever's causing the attitude would be out the window faster than they could blink. You earn pleasurable activities in our house; they're not a given. If he's just wanting to sit around and play games/watch TV, then those things need to go. Is there a dad in the picture? If so, what is he doing to help lay down the law on the schooling issue?
Oh, yeah, this is a defiance issue and it really should be dealt with as swiftly as possible. I agree with Emily. This young man needs some discipline. The video games need to go! Playtime with PS kids in the afternoon needs to go!(until behavior improves) Mom, he doesn't get choices about eating and sleeping, so school is non-negotiable as well. He doesn't need military school or counseling. He just needs to know who the boss is. Homeschooling itself will not magically produce a "better" kid. That comes from the relationship you are able to build with your child. But it must be built with strong foundations and un-shakeble boundaries. Right now he has no boundaries.He has to know you are not someone to mess around with. I'm also a big believer in spanking. I'm not afraid to be the bad guy. I AM the mean mom. Don't be afraid of him, and DO NOT give up! Praying for you!
I don't have older kids, mine are still 4 & 2. But we often have similar issues when, say, they've spent the night with grandma & grandpa. They get to eat & do anything they wish. When they get home (every single time!) we spend double the time they were away being extra strict correcting the behaviors they picked up and disciplining for all the whining we hear. He's been "deschooling" for what? 3 months? Playing video games & such during that time. (Similar to the trip to gma & papa's?) Now it's time for business. It will take time. (Hopefully not double the time) But don't give up. Stick to your guns. Be firm. Bc even at this point, if you send him back to school, whatever the type, if he isn't willing to respect the responsibility you need from him, he'll continue coming home wanting to do the same thing. Be strong Mama! You got this!
Defiance issue to be sure. Disclaimer: I do not know your child, my post is based only on what I have read in your posts. Names and locations are being changed to protect the not so innocent. I had a complete defiance thing going on with one of my daughters at one point. She would tell me all day she needed to go to an orphanage etc. She would refuse to participate in school, chores etc. This was getting worse and I knew it had to stop. I explained that I am not perfect, and that she does not have to agree with all of my decisions etc. I then told her that many of her attitudes were based on a notion of entitlement. I further explained that as long as her father and I are still alive that she can not go to an orphanage. I am required by law to take care of her. I then explained that she could have the orphanage experience here at home. That she was to call me Mrs. Lastname and that I would call her FirstName Child Number 33. I emptied her room of all toys, clothes and furniture except for bed, chair table, 3 sets of clothes and underware and 2 nighties. I left one doll, one stuffed animal, and a mostly used coloring book, childrens' Bible and a partial box of broken crayons. I left a slice of bread and a glass of water on the table and told her she was going to eat from a menu of items that are typically found in preschools and elementary schools regardless of what we were eating. I left her school stuff there also. We had errands to run and stopped for fast food and she did not get fries or soda. When we got home no screen time etc, had to stay in the room. She kept engaging sis in conversation and ditto us, and we would not talk as she was an orphan. I would call her First Name Number 33 By then end of the night the school stuff was looking pretty good. The next day we added a couple of items back to the room, due to improved attitude, and within a couple of days the experiment was over. I would suggest you do the same type of thing. Take the TV, computer, and game consoles away from the house or lock them up in a closet etc. Empty room of all but the essentials and let him earn back with improved attitude and good efforts what he is taking for granted. Take all junk and luxury food items away, and feed only healthy mundane items. Remind him that all you have to do legally is provide basic clean living quarters and basic healthy food stuffs and that most other things are all extra. If he does not want to be a cooperative family member, then he should not get the benifits of the family's perks. Now all it takes for us to have ajustments is for the kids to wake up to new passwords on the computer and game console. They will usually make a pretty ernest effort at completing their school work and chores before coming around to inquire about the old password not working.
He is NINE. You are the mom. Tell him what the consequences for his actions are and be specific. Then follow through. If you don't follow through, he will know exactly what is going to happen and he will do whatever he wants. If you do follow through, most likely he will learn to comply to escape the unwanted consequences. Someone mentioned that you may have entertained unschooling. I can understand the pull to do that. It may work for some people. I think the best is somewhere in between rigid school at home and unschooling. BUT, if you want to unschool, according to the things I have read, there is NO coercion of any kind. They play video games if they like, they read if they like, they build with legos if they like. True, pure unschooling is letting them make up their mind and you go with it from there. In true unschooling you don't even make them complete a subject they started if they lose interest. I would imagine only highly motivated kids do well with unschooling. In the past, maybe more people excelled with this type of learning, as you can see with all the famous self taught people in the past.
Yes it is called Hooda Math. He has found a bunch others that are in some way related to math or spelling or memory. Some people say these are fine replacements for schoolwork, I just don't see how it is enough. About the spanking, I spank my 2 and 5 year old, but my 9 year old is a big kid and I am very petite. Therefore, it's physically not possible to spank him. Dad did end up clearing out his room a few weeks ago, but it was for talking back (one time too many). Today is the first day I have mentioned that we need to start doing something that looks like learning. He told me he doesn't like to write. Fine. We started doing a geography game on the computer (click on the state). He did pretty good, but that was that. He was done. Back to Hooda. It's not that I let him do whatever he wants, I just don't know any more options to engage him. I have to say, this was my first cry day in 3 months. It's been a nice 3 months. Maybe video games arn't so bad.
Hi Ambr, I feel your pain, I have a 9-year-old boy too! I don't know the back story, but was he originally in school? Does he need time to de-school? My kids did. You DON'T have a bad egg! Sounds as if you have a very normal (if there is such a thing) 9-year-old boy. Have you tried games such as Yahtzee, Scrabble Jr., Scrambled States of America, Scattergories, etc? If he likes video games maybe he'd like something hands-on such as snap circuits. Also, my son doesn't like writing either, but he will write if it has a purpose such as writing letters to a penpal, grandmother, cousins, etc... Is there someone to whom your son can write who will keep up with the correspondences? Maybe telling him he needs to start "learning again" is leading him to think that what he is doing is not learning, when in fact, he is. And, maybe at 9 years old, he is just unsure as to what he wants to learn or what interests him and really does want you to provide some guidance and direction. Unschooling comes in many forms. FWIW, While we're not radical unschoolers, our homeschooling is definitely relaxed. Our unschooling/unscheduled days are not child-led, but child-focused. Assignments lean heavily towards their interests. For example, on DS9 unschool days he plays video games on his Leapster; watches BrainPop and School House Rock videos; puts together Snap Circuits, Legos and K'nex; watches the Discovery channel; and plays board games. Since he loves video games, we also use Scratch for computer designing/programming. Everything is educational, but he thinks of it as a day of TV, fun and games. My daughter's (11) unscheduled days are all about art and fashion designing. She spends most of her day on the sewing machine and using the hot glue gun! It may not look like traditional homeschooling, but she is learning valuable skills and using math,critical thinking, and logic (well, sometimes) in her pattern making and designs. It does take some trial and error, but you're definitely on the right track. Just trust yourself!
Okay, I have to say my kids have each had their ages of saying they are not gonna do it, but they have to. I would explain to him that if he wants to play the games he has to complete so and such amount of work. Remind, or teach, him that school is his job. He can get paid for that job by playing games. Every kid would rather play than learn of course! But if he sees games going further and further away for his attitudes it would be better. I think he is taking advantage of you yes, but he is also most likely testing your resolve. Be tough mom! but be creative! One night while he is asleep box up the games, keep the system, if its computer games you can actually save most of them to a disc or jump drive/ flash drive. Then let him have them back little by little as he earns them. Also if you want to, give him Friday off if he completes his week of work. We do this as well. Then be sure you are set up on Monday next week for the whole week of lessons. Explain it to him and go from there., If he fusses, he looses game time. You could even make some tickets that say "10 mins of games, 20, etc," an let him earn them for neat work done with a good attitude.
It sounds like you are in a place where you want a structured (at least somewhat) learning time to take place. It also sounds like (to be honest) you don't like confrontation with people, even your kids. This is very common and I have been there, done that also. I think you have to decide to stick with boundaries and rules and you have to figure out where that lies in your home. I am sure many unschoolers turn out well, but if there is no parental authority (radical unschooling) I have to question whether or not the children learn boundaries. Telling kids no, is not harmful. In fact, it can be the best thing for them to hear sometimes. Will they like it? NO, but they don't always like what is best for them. If all they hear is yes and they are permitted to do whatever they like, whenever they like it- they will not learn some very important lessons in life. You don't have to go to the extreme and make his day miserable and like a school- 8 hours, many of those sitting, many worksheets, many quizzes, memorizing useless information, pushing to go beyond his level, or dumbing things down below his level. I think homeschooling can be great, but it is hard finding the proper balance between too much and not enough. Fortunately he is at a good age to try out different things. I think you definitely need to outline for him what you need him to do, just don't overwhelm him with too much busywork. Let him know that even if he doesn't enjoy learning math or reading or such and such, that you are going to expect him to participate. Think of alternative ways to learn, let him move around while you read to him. But, don't let him dictate the day or at least not the parts of the day where he should be doing what you expect from him.
When he says he doesn't like to write does he mean the physical act of writing or does he mean thinking of what to write? My daughter hates the physical act of writing due to her tourettes causing frequent hand and finger movement. We solved the problem by letting her type as much as possible. There are times when typing isn't an option, but she is more likely to tolerate those instances if she knows she can use her computer to type whenever it is possible. There are also times she can tell me the answers and I write them for her exactly as she says them. Next year we may even try letting her record her answers to some assignments using video or audio recordings. Not sure if any of this would help in your situation but it may be worth a try. Hugs to you and your son and I'll keep you in my prayers. Hang in there.
I have 3 kids under 4!!!! You guys mean to tell me that THIS isn't the worst of my kids behavior?! : ) theres more? Sorry, I have no advice, however I'm taking notes.
