My husband and I are "swatters" when it comes to our children (mostly my 2 1/2 year old son) he is very defiant, and we are working on his behavior from day to day. My mother says that is not a Grandmas job to swat, and she has never done so, which I really appreciate. My mother in law on the other hand has made comments about how she can and will swat when necessary. My husband had made comments to her in the past about how it's not ok, but somehow in a joking manner, she implies that she will. I hate awkward moments, and confrontation. I'm very curious if you have allowed the Grandmas to spank your children. Are you a Grandma that spanks? Am I being to sensitive or logical?
My mom has permission to spanking if our kids are in her care. They need to recognize her authority when we're not around. She won't do it if we are around as she knows we are in charge at that point.
Anyone I trusted to watch my children (very few) also had my blessing to spank when they deemed it necessary. We reserved spanking for blatant defiance or when disobedience put them in physical danger (running out in the road, touching the hot stove, etc.) Keep in mind the only people who watched our kids were grandparents or our siblings and closest friends.
No, the grandma who spanks (and then some) has never had the kids left in her care. We do not spank and I had to stop my mil recently because she started to tell my tantruming child that she needed a spanking (while I was disciplining her). She said this in front of all my kids and I had to stand up to her and stop her from continuing to tell my child that she needed to be hit. That didn't go over well, but it was an issue important enough to cause a stink. My children are the only grandchildren she hasn't spanked. You are the parent. You decide what is acceptable and stick to that.
While I'm OK with spanking and allowing reasonable spanking "rights" to certain people (including g'mas), Embassy is right in that YOU are the parent and they need to follow YOUR ground rules. But, since this is your mil, YOUR HUSBAND needs to law down the law to her, not you. HOWEVER, I would make sure your children understood that, if G'ma is in charge and their behavior was such that G'ma felt a spanking is warranted, THEY WILL GET ONE, but you or your dh will be administering it. What you do NOT want to do is to undermine G'ma's authority when she is in charge.
I agree that they need to follow your rules, HOWEVER, I've made it clear to my kids that anyone in authority while I'm away has my permission to bust their bottoms. So far, it hasn't been necessary other than once or twice by pawpaw (when they were 2). It reeeeeeeeeeally hurts their feelings when pawpaw has to do it, so it actually works better than when I do it. :lol:
That is great. There is something so special about Papa. My sister was raising her three children alone for a while and two of the children were growing boys. She did the best she could but sometimes she had to call Papa to have a talk with the boys. Not only was he a male figure, but the boys have a reverence for my dad. They respect him. A couple times my older nephew would cry and ask my sister not to call Papa. lol It wasn't that they were afraid of him but they didn't want to disappoint him. Papa is their hero. He had to spank them a time or two but usually all Papa had to do was look at them and they knew he meant business. Once my sister remarried, Papa backed off because they now had a great male figure in their lives. Still, every once in a while my BIL would call my dad and ask him to talk to the boys because he knew that my dad has a very special bond with his grandchildren. My older nephew is now a man and in the Army. He still calls my dad for advice and direction.
We spank occasionally (for outright disobedience), and generally speaking, I wouldn't have a problem with others in authority spanking my children. I would not want my (step)mother to spank my children. She's a harsh woman and nothing any child other than her own (my half-sis) has ever been good enough. My kids HATE to visit my parents, because my mom is constantly complaining about something (anything). I actually don't think she would spank one of my children, but she sure would let me know every detail of what she thought was offensive. My MIL would never spank. She's the one who'd let them get away with whatever they wanted. Since we don't live in the same state as our parents, it has never been a problem.
While I would be willing to let both sets of grandparents to have spanking rights, I am NOT ok with your MIL's attitude about it! Jackie is correct in that your husband needs to spell it out for her, and not in a joking manner. Anyone who is willing to blatantly disregard parental wishes wouldn't have access to my children.
I don't know about this is. I have mix feelings on this. I was always taught its not right to spank because you are teaching the child to hit too. I am so glad I was bless with two wonderful girls that all I had to do was look at them in a mean way they would stop what they are doing. I never spank the girls and sure glad I never had too. They know if they were to a spanking it was bad. Talking worked well for us. Having others spank no I don't think so either. Why do they need to be spank by so many other people? Can confuse them. I think talking is the best. Most kids understand with talking. Yes there are few that have to go the other way. But be careful with it. Don't go over board. Make sure you tell the grandparents too. If you want them to spank not to go overboard. Grandparents are for loving not spanking anyway. Ok ready for tomatoes.. bring them on.
I do not grant spanking rights to anyone. If my child give Grandma and PopPop trouble, they can call me and I'll come get him/her. Ending fun grandparent time early would make a greater impression than a swat for my kids. We believe in spanking, but we are very careful in how and when and for what we administer it. It's too much to entrust to someone else, particularly someone who does not respect your over-riding authority as parent!
Kris, if you had to teach at my dh's school, you'd feel differently about "talking". The students are totally out of control, because the principal wants to be "friends" with the kids, and feels that if you simply "explain why their behavior is unacceptable", they'll be fine! Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England!!! So there is NOTHING my dh can do to discipline the kids, and they know it. He'll send them to the office, and they just tell them not to do it again and send them back to class. They are literally running the building!
I love this mixed bag of opinions! It's nice to have so many angles to look at. Both mine and my husbands parents live within 5 minutes from our house, and are visiting sometimes daily. They are very involved, helpful, and available pretty much 100% of the time. That is what makes this so tricky for me. I feel like my two year old KNOWS that we do the spanking and (so far) nobody else... he gives my mom a hard time while in her care and it's to the point that maybe a swatt or two from her would give him the scare to behave. I think I am just disappointed that my MIL would disregard our feelings. I'm afraid of others going overboard with the spanks, or feeling that ownership over them. You all gave some good advice and something to think about. I like the idea of letting the boys know that in the event they misbehave with Grandma, Dad and I will punish them when we return. I must say, I was surprised to hear that so many of you give permission to your caregivers to spank your children, it shows you have a great connection and trust for those you leave your kids with. I'm still new at this parenting thing! (my boys are almost 4, 21/2 and my daughter is 3 months.
If I left my kids with a "babysitter", I wouldn't expect that person to spank (although a swat would be fine), but I've NEVER left them with someone like that. It's always been family or someone from church (all of which are pro-spanking when necessary). It really does depend on the child a lot, too. I can usually just look at my older son, but my younger will tell you to your face that he'd rather have a spanking than do what he's told. :lol: He's a fireball! Actually, I wish my in-laws would spank once in a while. They're the only ones in my "circle" who are against spanking, and it shows. When my kids have been with them for any more than a day or so, they both turn into monsters.
Neither DH or I were ever spanked, so our parents wouldn't do it to the grandkids either. On the other hand, neither do we. My kids would probably laugh at me! LOL DS12 'mimics' a lot. It's how his mind works. If we started spanking, he'd probably just start spanking his siblings. It wouldn't work here. But we aren't very strict anyway. There's not a whole lot they can do that would warrant a big punishment here. We are however, a little on the 'safety' side. They can't go wondering around etc... They have to ask me first, let me know what they're doing, check in etc...If they don't, they quickly figure out, next time they ask, the answer will be no. But there's really no where for them to go. We live in a small circular development. One way in and out, surrounded by cornfields. There's not much they can get into , accept annoying the neighbors!
You know what, my granny got the flyswatter after me when I was a kid. I gave my mom permission before I even had kids to spank them. She had only done it once. My Kori went through s spitting phase, and he made the sorry mistake to spit on my mom when my father was there. He got swatted by my mom and trhen my dad took over and gave him a very stern talking to like only a Lieutenant could do. He never did it again. On the other hand, I would NEVER let my motherin law lay a hand on our children, mainly because I don't like her and I don't trust her. I trust my parents to use sound judgement to decide if and when to spank my kids, but not my MIL.
Jackie, I think it's like that in almost any school. Our middle school is like that too. The principal is much harder on the teachers than he is on the kids. It's all switched around, what's with that?
perhaps there are alt. to spanking or swatting in grandma's care. (be sure to set that rule now before it gets out of hand). Firmly state that you are the only ones that will swat or spank).
We are not against spanking when it is warranted, and if my father or his wife are watching the children (RARE) they have permission to spank, but just a babysitter does not have that permission. Also no one, has permission to spank our two year old mostly because the one time I spanked him it had the opposite effect (he ran in the street, I spanked him he yelled at me "no hitting me" and then ran back in the street). So It depends on who is watching them and which child it is.
