I need parenting help/advice

Discussion in 'Other Conversation' started by Emjay, Mar 29, 2012.

  1. Lindina

    Lindina Active Member

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    Maybe things are getting so much better that by that time (in a couple of months), there'll be nothing to see her for???
     
  2. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    That's what I'm praying for. I really didn't want to go to the doctor but DH insisted.
     
  3. featherhead

    featherhead Member

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    I read a book a few months ago called "You can't make me, but I can be persuaded" by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. It's go some good info and ideas in it that I think might be helpful for you. And it's not a very long book either.
     
  4. Deirdre

    Deirdre New Member

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    Hi Emjay,
    I'm sorry but I had to laugh reading your post. I know it's no laughing matter from where you are but that was me 16yrs ago! My eldest was (sometimes still is) absolutely exasperating. I read countless books on parenting but she was still exasperating! A couple of books really helped me though. The first one was like a breath of fresh air, made me realise she wasn't the only one like it and I wasn't a useless Mum. The title says it all really. "Raising Your Spirited Child. A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistant, Energetic.' by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. -Any of that sound familiar?
    The other one "Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline." by Barbara Coloroso. I heard about this one on one of the 6-7pm current affair shows in NZ Paul someone interviewed her. You probably know who I mean I forget, ( I used to live there) he's very opinionated and quite witty.
    Anyway out of all the research I did on how to be a better parent and cope with this little madam I had, those 2 books where the most useful to me.
    I also don't mind a few good wallops on the bum now and again after counting to 3. Often after that we only had to count to 1 or 2 at a push because they knew we weren't bluffing. ( I used to get the wooden spoon when I was little so I didn't have a problem giving the odd wallop!) As they get older reasoning with them is much better than smacking and taking something off them like fav tv programme or can't go out to play. I have been known to buy a bar of chocy and everyone eat it in front of the offender and say sorry you choose to be naughty and you knew the consequense and no they don't get their share the next day, there was no their share. I gave up on time out very quickly, just didn't see the point of it. Sometimes I'll send one to their room to think about what they've done and don't come out til they're prepared to behave better and apologize, it's up to them how long they want to sulk for! But when they come out they'd better be nice or go straight back.
    Well, that's my pennyworth put in. I hope it helps,
    cheers
    Deirdre
     
  5. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    We received some stuff in the mail to do with the service Loralei has been refered to. It's a service for children and teens with primary mental health disorders :eek: and the first meeting will involve family therapists, occupational therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, nurses, social workers and a couple others :eek: now I'm even more nervous.

    There has been some progress...
    -Whenever she starts arguing/back chatting/etc. We say "Yes, Mum" (or whoever she is back chatting too) and she repeats it. It ends things quite quickly.
    -We also have a new carrot to encourage her with, some reader rabbit software.
    Loralei: Can I play reader rabbit?
    Us: Have you done your chores/finished your work/done what I asked?
    Loralei: Yes/no
    Us: That's your answer.

    I wish we could help her self esteem. She still feels that she’s no good at anything, that nobody likes her, and that she’s a horrible person. She still hurts herself, feels she doesn't deserve anything good and wishes she wasn’t alive. :cry:
     
  6. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    She likes reader rabbit so much we've invested in some educational software (New Zealand curriculum) to avoid reading triggered dramas. We're trying limit triggers without compromising our standards and expectations.
     
  7. fairfarmhand

    fairfarmhand Member

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    My second dd was like this. I signed her up for gymnastics since she seemed athletic, and it completely changed her outlook on life. She got more confident and quit running herself down.
     
  8. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    Progress :) Watching MARS NEEDS MOMS
    Loralei: He's got a mean mum too!
    Me: Why's she being mean?
    Loralei: Cos he's not doing what he's told.
    Me: Why am I mean?
    Loralei: Cos you grump at me.
    Me: Because?
    Loralei: Cos I argue and don't do what I'm told... *Lightbulb* So if I do what I'm told and don't argue you don't have to grump.
     
  9. Lindina

    Lindina Active Member

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    Don't you just love "lightbulb moments"?
     
  10. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    Just need to vent a little because Loralei is pushing my limits

    I had Erik last Thursday and was then on bed rest for a few days so yesterday was my first day up and about and looking after all three kids. Loralei spent the entire day pushing all the limits to see if the boundaries are still in the same place (and they are). My midwife even got annoyed with Loralei (and she is a very patient and serene person) so I sent the girls to play in their room and shut the door to the lounge and Loralei spent the entire time making her sister scream and cry. When Pete got home he was so appalled by her behaviour he banned screen time for three days.

    Then this morning Anaia was playing happily in the lounge until Loralei woke up and decided to make her sister scream and cry. So I spanked her and sent her back to bed until I could calm down and decide what to do with her. I decided she has to tidy her room before she can have breakfast. Then she climbed out her bedroom window and scratched her arm in the process and then couldn't get back into the house so she had to call me. I sent her back to tidying her room. It's 11am now and her room still isn't tidy and she's complaining she's hungry and I've told her to hurry up and tidy her room then she can eat.

    I'm praying for strength and extra patience to get me through today because I didn't sleep much last night.
     
  11. Lindina

    Lindina Active Member

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    Any big change (like a new little brother) can send everyone back to Square One for awhile. Hang tough! I'm pulling for you! I also would do the "you can eat AFTER the room is tidy" -- under the theory I call Grandma's Rule: first you do what I want you to do, and then you get to do what you want to do (within reason).
     
  12. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    Thank you :)

    I knew she'd go backwards for a bit but I still needed to vent a bit without weighing DH down. She did tidy up her room by 11:55am because (a) I said whatever isn't tidied up by noon is going to the Salvation Army store, and (b) the educational software I ordered for her finally arrived and she wasn't allowed it until her room was tidy and she'd had breakfast/lunch.

    Today she had a bumpy start but has been much better than yesterday :) She has been studying away with the new software. Its all reading, writing, spelling and phonics stuff because she resists reading. We've also started a points system which is working well so far. Each book she reads earns 1 point and we keep track on a strawberry shortcake themed chart I made. When she gets to 100 books she gets 40 bonus points. She can buy treats and privilages with the points.

    Nap time for me now while girls are with Gran and Erik is sleeping.
     
  13. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    I like having this thread to vent and brag in so I don't hog the rest of the site.

    Mini vent: I wish DH didn't expect perfect behaviour from Loralei, she's only six and he expects her to think/act better than most adults.
     
  14. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    Progress!

    Today Loralei read through 3 of her books in less time than it normally takes her to read 1, and she did it without tantruming!!! I don't know if it's the new software or the points system or that she's clicked that the boundaries haven't budged or a combination.

    Nap time now while Erik sleeps and the girls are at Gran's. DH doesn't know how I manage a newborn, the girls, homeschooling and housekeeping. Answer get it all done before lunch and send the girls for a 2-3 hour visit with Gran 3 afternoons a week ;)
     
  15. Lindina

    Lindina Active Member

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    YAY! I love it when a plan comes together!
     
  16. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    Oh, wow, it's one of those days. Loralei is playing up worse than she has in months, Anaia is a human tornado and Erik screams everytime I put him down because he wants to use me for a human pacifier. I feel like I need the superpower to split myself into four people, one to tend to each child and one to tend everything else. I take my hat off to parents who somehow manage to juggle it all. I feel like God put me on this earth to make other parents look and feel good ;)
     
  17. Lindina

    Lindina Active Member

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    One happy thought to keep hold of: it can only get better, right? Keep smiling! ;-)
     
  18. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    Thank you, you always give a good response to my ventings.

    I snapped, after 6 hours I snapped, I yelled, I smacked, I banished the girls to the other end of the house.

    It may be the sleep deprivation and hormones talking but I'm thinking of putting Loralei into ps. I don't feel I'm doing anyone any good by hsing anymore. I feel I'm doing Loralei more harm than good. Question is which will be least damaging to her, hs or ps? The answer would be easy if she didn't have so many ODD symptoms and if I had more patience. It seems it doesn't matter how many books I read or what 'strategies' I try to implement, if the other adults in her life aren't on board then nothings going to work.

    If I put her in ps there's going to be a lot of gossip and people saying "I told you so." Her behaviour already gets blamed on me being a bad parent and if she's 'behind' in any academic areas it'll probably get blamed on me being a bad parent or that she was hs'ed. But I don't really care who says what, as long as Loralei is happy and getting a good education.

    I know I need to talk to someone but at a loss as to who.
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2012
  19. Emjay

    Emjay New Member

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    So poking around on the net, turns out I'm guilty of child abuse, I smack and yell and it scares them. I've reached out to family and friends in the past and been brushed off so now I'm reaching out to professionals. I don't like what's going on and I'm going to do something about it.
     
  20. Lindina

    Lindina Active Member

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    Emjay, just because you read it on the net, doesn't mean you're abusing your child. If what you mean by "smack" is swatting on the tushie, I call that just a good old-fashioned spanking. I realize not everyone agrees. If you have already gone beyond that, make a resolution that 1) you won't do it in anger - cool off first; 2) only a certain number of swats (like 3 or 4 or 5 - I recommend not more than 5); 3) only with your hand; 4) only on the tushie. Spankings do not work for every child, and become inappropriate after a certain age (individually determined). As you develop your arsenal of consequences, you'll use it less and less.

    If she's ODD, she's not going to be "happy" or "getting a good education" in public school either. She will still "do her thing" when she's at home, and you will still have to deal with her behavior, and there will be MORE adults in her life who do not follow what you've chosen for your home. If she gets away with things at school that you would restrict at home, she's still gotten away with it and the behavior is more likely to continue. If (as we had talked about earlier, I believe) she does it on purpose to drive you crazy, going to school will not change that. (It would give you some relief during the day, but she'll still drive you nuts at home, possibly even more determinedly.) They will NOT teach her at school to behave at home! and it's possible that if she behaves well at school, she's only biding her time until she can get home so she can drive you nuts again. It's also possible that she'll get labelled at school, resulting in them "accommodating" her without actually fixing anything or teaching her anything.

    If you don't like what's going on, you CAN change it. In your own home. If you and Dad are on the same page with what's allowed and what consequences and such, you CAN do this! It will NOT be easy, and post-partum does complicate things with lack of sleep, energy issues, attention issues, and what-all. ODD kids are never easy. In any scenario.

    It could be a very appropriate thing (or not - I don't know) for you to seek some professional help for your family, however. In order to support you while you continue what you think is best (whether that turns out to be public school or homeschool or whatever). It could turn out to be appropriate for you to put her in school for a time and then homeschool again later when Erik is a bit older.

    You and your family have been prayed for today.
     

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