Even though I'm new here, could we start a thread about...

when the joy gets "sucked" out of motherhood/homeschooling??

I don't mean to be needy when I'm brand new here.

We have homeschooled for several years and I am at rock bottom like never before in my life with motherhood/homeschooling. Where there used to be enthusiasm, there is none. Where there used to be happiness, it feels dried up. My husband is going through the same thing as a provider/father/etc. We love our life, our kids, and feel very blessed, but we both feel stretched and exhausted beyond our limits. We have peace that we are doing God's will, but no happiness. I realize that this is a problem with our perspective, most of all.

We want to take joy in the life God has given us!!!

Have you btdt before?

What do you do when you find yourself in this place??

 

Are you around 10 years into your marriage? For some reason, it seemed like we both felt in a rut at that point. Our kids were only halfway through school and it seemed like an eternity before anything new and exciting might happen. So, yes. BTDT. But it does get better.....

If it is a rut you feel like you are in, then try to change things up a bit. We added date nights a couple times a month to reconnect with each other. I was amazed at how much that helped me to re-energize. Wish it hadn't taken so long to figure it out (we will be married 17 years in August).

You might also need to ask the kids what they feel like they need to put the zip back in their school experience. We found that by choosing curriculum that we can just get out and get done with, it freed us up to actually do the living part of life we enjoy. There are those family who focus on excelling academically, and then there is my family. We use school work as the means to give us a foundation to get on with our lives. Took me (nerdy, geeky, brainy girl) a while to be ok with kids who didn't want to do more school work than necessary. At any rate, we are ALL so much happier once we figured out what was bringing us down and fixed it. Hope this helps.

 

This has been a "joyless" year for me, too. I know it's due to several things...leaving a church and a ministry where I felt I was really beginning to make a difference, a son who just doesn't "like" school at all (and who is full into his Rooster Stage!!!), a husband who is thinking of retiring and is stressed out at work, not being able to make headway getting out of debt.... But next year will be better!!!

 

Brenda may be onto something here with the 10 year marriage rut. We are at 10 years too and life seems dull and dreary.

maybe you guys need to change your routine? maybe you need to ease up on housework or chores. Move things around, take a vacation, or better yet, take a class. Something that you always wanted to learn?

I think the answer is to get excited about something again. You yourself, and your family too. Adopt a pet, if you dont have one already.

The big thing, IMO is CHANGE. Change something.

I read. That's my escape. Everyone has their own thing, and when I read, I feel my mind racing, mulling over the material, thinking of new ideas, reconsidering old ones. I would like to take a class, but Dh's schedule is too irregular to allow it.
I also don't stress out about housework as much. Teaching the children is a full time job, that stays with you long after they've finished up fot the day. Your mind is still wondering what to do tomorrow, what curriculum seems to be working, and which ones you think were a bad idea..etc etc etc. With all this going on, if the kitchen floor didnt get cleaned, I dont care. Its not important in the grand scheme of things.

I hope I'm helping, since I dont know your situation. I might just be rambling on, and if so, apologies, and ((hugs))

 

We just celebrated 20 years on Wednesday, so that's not it for us! (But I also believe there's often a lull around ten years!)

 

I think we are all "needy" about somethings in life and that is one reason we all turn to message boards online.

I'm a writer and have begun many poems with the line, "There is nothing left within me." There are seasons of life that are just difficult, painful and joyless. For me, I had lost part of who I am, of who God created me to be, to be a home school mom.

A couple of years ago we decided that I should go back to work part time. We had a few too many months of no money and no food and no gasoline at the end of each month. I started sub teaching a few days each month... and all of a sudden.... there WAS something left within me! There was A LOT inside of me!

A good part of my lack of joy was the financial stress of dh really not making quite enough money for a one income household. But I learned that I really NEED "something" outside of home. I need something longer than a couple of hours in church on Sunday and a couple of hours a month going out with a group of home school moms.

I now have a regular part time job. (And I think I'll be on the sub list for only one school next year.) My little paycheck is just what it takes to get us through the month AND I have this interaction with society that FILLS me.

Now, my youngest is 15 so I can go out and work. You may not be able to do that. And, working may NOT be something that will FILL you. But, you need to find something that you enjoy and make the time/space/energy to enjoy it. ENJOYING your special little thing will FILL you with JOY for your work as mom and home school teacher.

(((hugs))) From someone that has been there!


Pam

 

Go bless someone. Drop as many of your activities and commitments as you can. Play together, and volunteer together helping people.

Create a thankfulness journal together. Leave it open and everyone takes turns writing in it. Bring it out and read things together, share funny stories.

Big reasons for loosing joy are disconnect from family and God. Dealing with those, remembering to give thanks, and bless others can make a huge difference in everyone's joy level.

Then when fall comes around and you start adding activities again and stepping up the schooling again. Hopefully everyone will have a new perspective.

((hugs))

 

These are a lot of great ideas!

We have been married for 14 years and have 4 kids.
Dh works 2 jobs, I stay at home.
We are very involved in church-I am in 6 ministries and lead 2 of them. Dh helps lead in music.

We have not done ANYTHING to deviate from our daily grind in years. My only social life is church. We do co-op, but last year it wasn't social time for me b/c I was chasing around our then 5 and 2 year old sons (while the olders did co-op).

I do think that that is a big part of our problem--we need some change. Dh and I have both said to one another that there is NOTHING to look forward to. We hate saying that b/c it sounds like we are being big babies.

We keep our kids involved in a lot of things, but don't really do anything for ourselves, now that I think about it.

And church----we just serve and work there.

I am in the process of stepping down/finding replacements for 2 of my positions at church b/c I'm starting to feel like its drawing too much of my focus. We need to start paying more attention here at the homefront so we can sort through things and change what needs changing.

Thanks for sharing and I'm open to hear more!

 

Ministry overload was going on at our 10yr mark, so maybe that was the culprit. We tend to forget how the Lord looks at our priorities.

#1 Covenents .....His covenant with us through salvation through Jesus; our covenant between Him, ourselves and our spouses.

#2 Commandments....too many to count, but we could spend most of our day focusing on just the ones concerning being a wife and a mom

#3 Commissions....these are the things that, when we are doing a good job maintaining #1 and #2, the Lord sees fit to add Himself to our to-do list

#4 Commitments....these are the things we have obligated ourselves to do. Letting our "yes be yes" obligates us to fulfill these commitments. I have found that the more I let the Lord lead me into commissions, the less commitments I make for myself.

Just my two cents. It helps me to think about priorities in this way when we feel the need to take a second look at how busy life is getting from time to time.

 

Could it be that you're TOO involved at church? I mean, with six ministries and leading two, do you have ANY time for your family and yourself? (Please don't take this as a criticism...you're new, so I really know nothing about you. I only mean it as a possibility. I could be way off-base, and if that's so, I'm sorry!)

 

applesofgold

I'm with you on being too involved. My problem isn't too many roles, just that our church requires parents to work in children's ministry 2 weeks per month - and they tell you where they want you with very little choice on our part. Yuck!! So, I spent 2 or 3 years doing this and teaching my toughest, clingiest son's class. I was so discouraged. I could hardly get in a service. Someone always seemed to be sick on my weeks off teaching, or my clingy child would need me for some reason. Ugh!

This year has been a blessing though. I have refused to hold any children's ministry roles except to be in the nursery with baby 1x per month. I'm feeling refreshed and excited to be at church again. I've even started helping with an adult prayer team.

It feels so good to start connecting at church, with God and people. Also just having a change in your ministry can be refreshing.

Praying you find a better groove.

 

I really understand the need of not enough helpers and "forcing" the parents to take a turn, but I really feel church leadership needs to take pro-active steps to make sure its workers are NOT overloaded.

 

@Jackie I think the big problem is really a need to talk with parents and find out what will work. If they ask to move to a different area, then they should be willing to help. Parent burn out is a big problem.

 

Yes, I feel like there should be a push by the church staff to encourage couples w/o kids and empty-nesters to help in nursery. Oftentimes, when we are with our young ones 24/7 the last thing we need is a room full of 13 fussy toddlers.

I've always disagreed with the nursery philosophy that anyone with a child should be a worker. Thankfully our church doesn't do that. The reason I don't like that is that there are A LOT of parents in our church that I would never entrust my children to. Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they are good with kids. Sorry, hope that doesn't offend anyone whose church does this.

Pam L, your post really resonated with me. I've felt like everything in me has gone dormant.

Brooke, you make an excellent point.

This morning's sermon spoke directly to me. He said that there is someone in here who feels so stale and dried out that you have no idea how to even start to work through it. Guess what? I raised my hand and said "amen". :lol:

Someone else said that looking at homeschooling differently so that you can get it "done with" so that we can enjoy real life more. That is a great idea. I do think the way we've been schooling has somewhat gotten in the way of real life learning/fun.

Oh, and yes, i do think we are too involved at church, at this point. There are some issues (covenant-wise) that we need to focus on and set some of these church commitments aside. I hate it though how the church gives a big old pat-on-the-back to the people that do the most. So I feel like that makes it very tricky to back down once you've been doing xyz ministry for years and years. Stepping away from service opportinities (or saying 'no' when asked) is seen as a negative. So I'm kind of dreading that part.

 

If you are over-committed and your covenants are paying the price for it, there is no shame in letting the people you are committed to know that you did not have permission from the Lord to obligate yourself in such a way. I have found when we are open and transparent with people, it is very difficult for them to try to talk us into doing what they want. Hope this helps.....and welcome again to the Spot.

 

Thank you, Brooke, that does help!

That is such a great way to put it. Our covenants are paying the price for it.

 

A friend recommended this book for me: http://www.amazon.com/Quit-Stop-Pretending-Everything-Change/dp/0310321964 It was very interesting!

Actually, Carl and I had this discussion just today. I don't want ANY ministry in our "new" church at this time. I was so overloaded, I was just trying to arrange to be in the service just once a month and wasn't able to do it. I don't remember the last time I was able to sit in a service without ANY responsibilities! That wears on you week after week. As a camp counselor I knew in high school once told me, "Even the lovers need to be loved sometime." And that's where I am now. I need time to just sit back and REST and be ministered TO, not to minister to anyone. But at the same time, I really need a sense of belonging. Leaving the other church has felt like an unwanted messy divorce. I feel I've been torn from a ministry I truely loved and felt I was finally making a difference at, from a church that has done an awesome job nuturing my kids in how to minister. And, as much as I need rest, I'm not going to get the sense of belonging my just coming and sitting on Sunday mornings. I don't know. It's been an extremely rough year, and the church situation has been pretty much at the center of it. Carl seems to think that, since we're settling into this church, I'm "OK". But I'm not yet. And Rachael wants the old pastor at her graduation party in two weeks. I really don't, but it's important to her. I'm honestly praying he's on vacation and out of town! And would you believe the two graduation parties we went to, he and his wife were leaving just as we were arriving? Now THAT was timing! I told Carl it was God's grace, because I wasn't sure I could interact with him socially.

 

We are 16 years into home schooling this year, I have had off and on years, I have to say you have come to the right spot to get recharged!
When I came here I was dreading high school home schooling my dd while doing grade school still with my ds, and one more ds out of the house for school at a private school. I was at my wits end and burned out , but some people like Jackie, and Kris and a few other moms here gave me inspiration to go again, but to change things up a bit.
Personally I had been school at home for all those years before then changed up about 4 years ago, that was the shot in the arm I needed!

So what are your kids ages, what is the boringest thing you have to deal with?
Make up a questionnaire for your kids and ask them what they would liek to do for school the next year.
Do more fun stuff less stressful learning, use video lessons more and read less ( can't believe I said that but hey)
DO something different. And read all the threads on here because when you start to give advice you will find the Joy of home schooling all over again!

 

DH and I will be married 6 years this September (we got married when I was 19 and he was 21), and we always used to have a little notebook, and we'd write letters back and forth in it to cheer us up when we felt a little down.

Do something spontaneous. We used to be such spontaneous people (I still like to fly by the seat of my pants, but DH is grounded like a rock), so do something crazy!!!

 

I think that being over involved in church ministries can be a real and valid problem. I watched my mom do this to herself over and over growing up - she'd take on leadership of this that and the other thing and then get burnt out, complain that the church didn't appreciate her enough (usually she brought it on herself it wasn't always the church just thrusting these things at her) and leave the church and take us to a new one. Rinse and repeat. I don't recommend this route.

Watching that though I knew that I wouldn't be doing that when I was older and I don't. I do not hastily agree to anything. I mull it over, weight all the results of saying yes and then make a decision. Our church is really good about not wanting people to over-commit and really they have so many varied opportunities for ministry and rarely run short of helpers for things that my husband and I often say yes to things because it's not a life long commitment.