We will be hs this year for the first time. My parents are totally against hs. They openly make unkind comments about our hs friends any time we mention them. My parents are a daily part of our lives, because we live next door, and we work together in our own business. Here is the kicker....we haven't told them we are hs yet. I am so stressed and want to keep a friendly relationship with them since we see them daily. It seems easy enough to say, tell them and get it over with, but I want to have a good strong response when they flip, and not feel like a 13 year old trying to talk them into liking this idea. Any advice? Michelle, mom to 13 yo dd, and 10 yo ds
Hi Michelle, welcome to hsing and to the forum In my experience if someone is against hs for whatever reasons there is no good strong response that will talk them into liking the idea. You could possibly say something along the lines of "We've done a lot of research and put a lot of thought into this decision and feel that it is what is best for our family." That's what I said to my family but to be honest they're still waiting for me to put Loralei into ps. My dream is that one day they'll be able to look past WHERE and HOW she is educated and see how well she is learning.
Your husband needs to make it clear to them that this IS NOT OPEN FOR DISCUSSION. You are informing them this IS the way it's happening, not asking them for their opinions on the matter. Your living/work situation may very well make this worse. Under "normal" circumstances, I would say that if they can't respect your decision, you may want to back away from them for a while. But that doesn't seem to be an option for you.
We teach people how to treat us by what we allow. Do not try to talk them into liking your choice. If you believe you are right in homeschooling, then you do not need to justify your choices to others. I also agree that your husband needs to make the stand and say, "Our family, our choice." It might not be easy, but it needs to be done. Also remember that a good relationship requires two willing parties. You can come up with the best reasons and come backs, but they are useless if your family isn't willing to cooperate.
The others have given you great advice but I feel it is the kind that works better with the type of relationship that only requires contact occasionally, when all else fails. I would first try to open communication with them and be honestly interested in their feelings on the matter, not necessarily to turn their thinking around, but pave the way for a respectful understanding. Still, it would be better not have any expectations that they are going to soften on subject. That way you will not be disappointed when they don't and pleasantly surprised if they do. Also, I would explain to them that you would not be their only teacher; because of this unique relationship your family has, their grandchildren will also be learning from them daily as well. (When homeschooling parents complain about people showing their disapproval of homeschooling, I think what a wasted teaching opportunity! Most people enjoy showing and telling children about what they do even if they are a store clerk. It changes most anti-homeschool attitudes immediately and it may leave a lasting good impression toward homeschooling. Turn the anti-homeschooler into your field trip guide, because it is a trip to watch them change!) Then, when all else fails, at least you can show them that you respected them enough to hear their objections and you hope that they will now keep those objections silent so that it will not cause any damage to the respect you and their grandchildren have for them.
"We will be homeschooling next semester and would really like you to help teach the children xxxx and xxxx. You would be so much more sensitive than a regular schoolteacher, and you can relate the subjects to your life experience. Plus, one of the projects we have planned for the coming year is for them to write your biographies. We really want the children to learn more about you, and to continue to enjoy a close relationship with you, so they can learn some of the lessons you've learned in life. Would you be willing to help us with this project?"
I shouldn't have said "talk them into liking this." I was tired when I posted the original thread. I do have enough sense to know that talking anyone into anything like this is not the answer, nor is it possible with my family. I did put all my feelings onto paper last night, and I feel much better about the way I want to take this. I want them to know what I am doing, why I am doing it, and how I am going to succeed in doing this. I don't expect them to approve, agree, or like the plans. I like emjays response, and it was actually word for word in my letter before I even read these posts... she said... "We've done a lot of research and put a lot of thought into this decision and feel that it is what is best for our family." Just like adoption, they didn't understand or like the idea that we were choosing to adopt our children. They came around. We just told them, did it, and that was that. When you don't know about something, you usually don't approve, because you are skeptical. This is the same thing. I also like steves idea about the biographys. They will eat that up. lol thanks!
I am so sorry you are going through this. My family has been very non supportive and negative about me homeschooling my son. He went a few weeks ago to spend a week with my parents and my father told him (talking about me), "taking you out of ps was the stupidest think she could have ever done." My poor son tried to justify our decision with all of the positive reasons we hs but to no avail. And of course my parents won't say anything to me. But unlike you, we live about 2 1/2 hours from them so it really is a non issue other than the fact that they don't get to see all of the positive aspects of hs on a regular basis. Good luck to you!
Teresa, that would have been the last time my child would go and visit G'pa without my husband or myself, and my husband would have told them in no uncertain terms WHY he would not be visiting again!!! It is unfair to attack a child for a decision he had no choice in. The ONLY purpose is to place a destructive wedge between the child and the parents.
I was thinking this exact same thing. As to the OP I have no advice. My il's were/are very supportive of us. I think my SIL has her concerns about it but she's a public school teacher so meh. She can see that my kids are doing well regardless and she's never come out and said she thinks homeschooling is a bad thing, just get the vibe from some of the questions she's asked me in the past. My own family have been fine about it. They don't participate in it with us but they aren't negative about it either. The only real naysayers are my maternal grandma who ironically raves about how great my kids are after every visit with her. I mean really, they weren't born that way. And my step-brother voiced his negative opinion when he heard we were going to be homeschooling - I was pregnant with our oldest and he was 13, he told me it was the worst thing I could ever do to him. Considering he's a high school dropout and druggie I'm not too concerned about his parenting tips. I did worry about what my IL's would think. My own family knows me well enough to know that once I've decided something there's no point in trying to convince me otherwise. I don't put up with anything, you don't have to agree with our decisions but you do need to respect them.
I am sorry for all those who have such opposition. My question is why do these loved one feel that way. I am not saying this is the case with anyone in particular, but I have noticed that homeschooling parents tend to get defensive OR shut down communications relating to homeschooling without really knowing what the anti-homeschooling opinion really is or on what it is based. I prefer to at least know why they are thinking the way they are, not necessarily to change their opinion but just to understand it. My daughter's godparents, my cousin and his wife, are not for homeschooling. I asked why. (I do not feel I need to defend my opinion as my "proof" is living with me all the time, but they should be able to defend their opinion because I cannot see the basis for it.) They both were managers of auto repair centers (different ones) and one (or both as the details were fuzzy) hired a former homeschooler, who was a good worker and picked up new things and techniques quickly, but he was socially awkward and naive because he did not "talk the talk" of his fellow employees. Basically, they both felt homeschooled child are not well-socialized due to this. Also, while we stayed at their homestead surrounded by corn fields without another child in sight and my daughter would attach herself to her godmother talking her ear off when she came home from work, so her godmother felt she was always lonely and needed to have more friends. :roll: She was lonely then, but being an only child with a creative mind, she has always found ways to occupy herself even when they are not provided. My daughter entertained herself for a few hours by finding and playing with pretty rocks in their driveway and that probably confirmed the godmother's concerns at the time, but she just had a thing about rocks and still does even now years later. I was not concerned about changing their minds, just understanding their concerns. However, my cousin told me as we were preparing to leave that I was doing a good job with her. He was impressed with how easily she would talk to everyone, how respectful she was, how polite she was, how well she behaved, how sensitive she was to other people, and how intelligent she was...quite different from their nieces and nephews that visit them often. As I said, I live with my proof and feel no need to defend homeschooling at all.
My dad was never for us homeschooling our DS, but after voicing his concerns, he just sighed and gave up, knowing that whatever I'd decided to do was going to be done, and he was okay as long as it didn't stop DS from going to college or getting a good job. I wish he'd lived to see our school now (if he was still alive he'd be 100 years old). When people point out objections to homeschooling based on some socially-awkward kid they know, I always wonder what were that kid's parents' reasons for homeschooling. Perhaps the kid was socially awkward in public school, and that's one reason they pulled him out to homeschool? Maybe he's on the autism spectrum, diagnosed or undiagnosed? And how many public schoolers are socially incompetent around adults they don't know?
That's how my in-laws were, too. Both my dad and my fil had questions about high school. They weren't criticism, but an honest concern. We addressed those concerns, they saw that we had a plan, so they both let it go. But there's a difference in voicing concerns TO THE ADULT, and saying things to a child that undermines the parents' decisions. If a g'parent, aunt, uncle, older sibling, etc., is doing that, IT MUST BE DEALT WITH. You CANNOT let them come between you and your children. If the adult in question won't back off, you may have to put distance between you and them.
Voicing concern and voicing criticism are not the same thing. I do not and never will mind people asking questions or wanting to discuss homeschooling so they can understand, even if they do not agree. However, directly coming against homeschooling and criticizing a parents choice is something else. When they attack a parents choice directly to the child, then that is completely unacceptable.
...and voicing concerns to a child is just as bad. A child isn't able to defend themselves against an adult.
I agree with the others. That encounter you described is not just a matter of being against homeschooling but about being disrespectful. I immediately would have asked my child to step out for a few minutes while I had a talk with my father (although for me personally it was my mother and about other issues). To the father I might say something like "I asked my child to leave out of respect for my child because I would not want him to lose his respect for you. I do not think you would have ever wanted your parents to demean you by talking to me, your child, that way about you. It was very disrespectful and purposely hurtful to both my son and me, your daughter." If he showed no remorse or gave no apology, I would pack up my family and leave as soon as possible.
Seeking, my impression was that this happened while the child spent a week at Grandpa's, WITHOUT a parent being there. But I could be wrong!
Hopefully they won't be too hostile about it, and will try to have an open mind. I've seen first hand how parents can go from anti-hs to pro-hs in no time. I remember a few years ago, my parents critisized my cousins for even considering hs. The funny thing is that now my parents are the ones homeschooling my teenage brother and my cousins decided to go with ps.
Yes, this happened while ds was there for his summer visit. I was not there. Ds and I had a talk about what was said. My parents live far enough away that fortunately it is not an everyday issue. What is important is the reasons WE homeschool and that ds REALLY loves it! Thanks for all of the concern..
