Not sure if this is the right category but has anyone here successfully done adoption through the foster care system? We are prayerfully considering expanding our family... international adoption is just out of the question b/c it is so expensive. Some friends of ours did the "fost-a-adopt" program and adopted 3 different children . The agency they used was a Christian agency and they only considered kids whose parents rights were legally revoked.... in other words kids that needed a "forever home" or otherwise be stuck as a foster kid for their whole life. We have 2 biological kids and we really feel like someone is missing... we would consider having a 3rd kiddo but our heart just breaks when we think about all the kids out there who need a loving family. Can anyone share a bit about your experience if you have done fost-a-adopt? Thanks!
We were foster parents for over 20 years to 116 children. We never planned to adopt since we had 3 bio kids and we just thought God was leading us to foster until kids could go back home or find a forever home. Our 53rd placement found his forever home right here with us. He was 2 when he came and 3 when the adoption was final. Tomorrow he will be 23. Some times I forget that he is adopted and so does our older daughter who laughs about being in college and a teacher asked if anyone knew someone who was adopted. She sat there thinking to herself that she didn't and suddenly said, "Oh yeah, My brother!" Everyone laughed. Bill, our son, is mildly mentally handicapped and even though life is sometimes hard for him, he is such a joy to know. When he was 7 we got two foster children. A boy who was 7 and a girl age 3. They were siblings. We ended up adopting the girl when she was 7. She is 19 now. When she was 5 we got a baby in foster care. She was three weeks old. Now she is 14 and our baby. Oh and to make it even wilder...The brother that we didn't adopt earlier because he had asked another family at our church to adopt him... Well he is also our son now. When he was a freshman in high school we adopted him. We had lost touch with him and then found out he was living in a group home. His adoption with the first family never happened and the family we thought had adopted him really had not. He would not agree to be adopted by them. He is in Afghanistan in the Army and God willing he will be back in WA at Fort Lewis next week! His wife is there waiting for him and they are moving to NC in Jan. Has all of this been easy? OH NO! Many tears and trials. They seem to get worse as the kids hit the teen years. Well at least for some of them. Our baby girl has always been here since she was three weeks old so she doesn't have bad memories to deal with. Birth relatives have been a problem off and on but nothing I can't handle. Right now our 19 year old has left us and is living in NY with a boyfriend. It hurts us so much because that is NOT the way we raised her. I pray a little extra for that one. She has always struggled with the past and even though she doesn't remember living with birth family she has heard so many lies and conflicting stories that she just has trouble dealing with it all. Birth mom died of cancer 5 years ago right when our daughter was diagnoised with cancer herself. She is well now thank God. She keeps in touch with us on the computer and even calls some so all ties have not been broken. She knows we will always love her. Cost for our adoptions was very small. Some didn't cost a thing. It is easy here to fill out your own adoption papers if you are the foster parent. When I say small cost I am talking less than $50. for each adoption. Our first one was more I think but not more that $200. If you adopt a baby things are different but if you adopt an older child you sometimes get to keep medicaid for them until they are 18. This was very helpful for us because one of ours has a birth defect and needed many surgeries to correct it. If there is more you want to ask or if I can help in any way please let me know. I am so pro adoption I get carried away. Praying you find the child or children that will fill your home and your heart. Beth- mother to Matthew, Maggie, Katie, Bill, Crystal, Bobby and Emily and wife to Freddy who never said no when I wanted more kids.
Beth -- such a cool, cool story. I have two friends that did foster to adoption. No, wait. I have three friends that have done it. Scratch that -- I have 4 friends that have gone through the process. I seriously forget, sometimes. In fact, one friend is spending her last day with her youngest foster boy today. He goes back to his family tomorrow. I absolutely don't know how she does it. But she has adopted 3 children out of foster care and has had about 9 or 10 children, total, in her home over the last 4 years. Did I mention she is a single mom? I don't know how she does it. They each have blogs. Unfortunately, I think they are all private blogs because of privacy and security issues. The stories can get pretty tough and raw sometimes.
Beth, I always love when you tell your story. And, it always is different enough that it sheds just a little more light and details on the story. Thank you again for sharing.
Hi, I am new to this site but can't wait to look around here and meet new people. I live in MS and have a 4 year old daughter. We started our first year of homeschooling last week and SO FAR, we love it. I am also a foster/adopt mom. First, Beth, I LOVE your story. It isn't always a fairytale but it sure is worth it!! We got our license in October 2010. We had our first placement in January 2011...we call her the Princess. That was the day I began to believe in love at first sight. She changed our world the second she walked in our front door. She was 3 1/2, in diapers wearing 24 month clothes and her speech was pretty much nonexistent. She stayed with us until she was 5 (almost two years) and left at the end of July 2012. It completely devasted us. She was and always will be MINE..MY baby. She called us Mama and Daddy from the second day of being with us. She fit so perfectly into our family. We are grieving and my daughter prays daily that God will bring her sister back to us. Words can't describe what it's like. The miscarriage I suffered was a walk in the park compared to this. The morning of court she woke up screaming and when I ran to her room to pick her up and asked her what was wrong she said, "I'm scared. Don't let me go, Mama. I pick you and Daddy. I not leave." I pray everyday for her and I pray everyday she will come back. When she left us she could run better (developmentally delayed in this area), she hardly every had a night terror until overnight visits with mom began, could talk extremely well, write her name and some of her letters, express herself well, get herself dressed, potty trained...those are just some of the many ways she progressed. The system failed our Princess and she returned home to a bad situation and against her wishes. We miss her...HOWEVER, I would do it over in a HEARTBEAT!!! It's tough and scary and so aggravating dealing with DHS but the kids...they make is so worth it. People ask us all of the time how we do it. I am no stronger than the next person...I have a heart for kids like many people do. When you look into the eyes of one of these children that are hurting, sad, looked over and all they want is to be safe, cherished, loved and WANTED there isn't any choice but to give them all of this and more. These children are beautiful, sweet, silly, intelligent, funny kids and I wish I could take every one of them. It broke our heart but today I begged God again for our next placement. We may keep them and we may watch them walk away...but if nothing else they will leave knowing someone loves them and Jesus is always with them. They can always say their time in foster care was a good experience. I am a Christian and I take God at His word when He asks...no tells us to look after the orphans and the widows. Being a mother to the motherless is what I love. It's who I am. Nothing has ever broken my heart this much or given me this much joy. Our daughter came to us two months after the Princess, March 2011. Her parents signed their rights over in November of 2011 and we finalized her adoption in May 2012. Her case was a breeze but also not typical. She was what DHS calls a "high risk adoption". This means they are 99% positive that you will adopt them. But there is always the chance you won't. She came to us at 2. She wasn't raised by her parents. Her mom was incarcerated when she was born and her real dad is unknown. The man deemed her father on her birth certificate said he wasn't, that he was just still married to her when she had her. He signed his rights away and so did mom. The elderly laid who raised her had her from birth. We keep in touch with her and she gave us all of the baby pictures she had of our daughter. We kept her first name and changed her middle and last name as well as her social security number. She is beautiful, smart, compassionate and funny and I can't imagine that we ever lived without her. Because we used her GAL (Guardian ad lidem which is the court appointed lawyer every foster child has) her adoption was free. Most foster care adoptions are free. I have yet to hear of anyone I know paying for one. Madison had no delays or anything to deem her special needs so she doesn't get a check anymore but still qualifies for Medicaid because she was a foster child. We have had 6 placements and only one has stayed. Some have went home to good situations and some haven't. When we started this journey we were going to do adoption only. We waited 4 months with no placements. When we inquired about this they told us that it could take a year or more to get a placement as adoption only. The reason for this is because when a child comes in to custody DHS knows very little about this child. THey go into the home after being called to investigate..check it out and if they think the child is endangered they take it into custody. At this point they have no idea if anyone in the family can or will take the child. They can't place it in an adoption only family until they know that all family has been ruled out. And if and when all family has been ruled out, the foster parents they were placed with has first option to adopt. Does that make sense? Sometimes it takes days to know if a family member will/can take them. When they told us this we switched to foster to adopt and said we just wanted a kid in our home. We didn't want to wait until one was up for adoption. About a month later, the Princess came. 8) This is why I say my daughter's case wasn't typical. We expected it to be years before we were adopted but instead our 3rd placement (6 months after we were licensed) was an adoption. To me the adoption isn't the expensive part. It's the day to day gas from bringing them to parent/family visits, doctor appts, WIC appointments, school, daycare, speech, etc. DHS reimburses you a percentage of this gas but it can take months to get it back. Also you get a board payment but you don't recieve it until a month after you get the child. So until then, all expenses are on you. THey come to you with the clothes on their back 99% of the time. We had collected clothes from friends who donated so we had clothes in boy and girl sizes from premie to 4T when we started. This helps!! If you will be taking infants (we take 0-3, boy or girl) then it won't hurt to buy a few things in the meantime to be prepared such as a bottle, a pack of diapers and pullups in each size, a pack of wipes, sippy cup, etc. Most of the time the child comes in the late evening/night and who wants to take a very scared and nervous child (plus any other children in your home) to Walmart at that time of night to get the things the child needs? If you don't have friends who can donate clothes, go to your local thrift store and get 3 or 4 outfits, 1 pajama set, socks, etc. in each size. You will most likely use them all at some point. If not, you may be able to help another foster parent who needs things at the last minute. (One of the MANY reasons it helps to have friends who are also foster parents.) Keep a file for each child with all of their paperwork. Take all of your expectations of what this journey will be like and throw it out the window. Take it a day at a time. Bio parents are ALWAYS going to criticize you. I had the Princess dressed from head to toe so cute and appropriate, hair fixed, everything was just so. Her mother's complaint? The bow in her hair! She took it out. They will always find something because they are angry and YOU are who they take it our on. Let it roll off your back and keep doing what you are supposed to do . Let the kids know it is okay to love your family and their bio family!! BE THEIR VOICE!!!! EVEN WHEN DHS WON"T OR DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT!! Keep a journal on every kid to document incidents/things they said or did. This will save you against accusations as well as help you defend the child. Look the child over from head to toe when they leave you and again when they come home. Document if there are any bruises or such when they leave you and again when they return. I have wrote a novel and I know you are glad I am done. 8) I hope some of this is helpful. If you have any questions I am always willing to answer. Stephanie
Steph...... I've been following your story... from the begining........ you have so much more patients than I do...... you are super...... and so is Beth, ..... and anyone who is a good foster parent. The reason I followed these ladies is my start in life......
Wow !! Beth & Stephanie you have given me so much to think about and ponder !! And wonderful stories.... thumbs up for taking the plunge and raising other people's kids as your own.... giving them the love and security that every child deserves. I hope this thread keeps going with responses... this is GREAT ! I want to read your stories to my hubby. I am sure as I digest all that you have shared questions will arise from within. I will be back and check in tomorrow sometime. Jamie
Stephanie -- my heart breaks for you, but I know where your spirit comes from -- I see the same spirit and strength in my friend I mentioned above. A word of encouragement for you -- My aforementioned friend: They said goodbye to a little boy at one point, thinking they would never see him again, after he spent over a year with them. He returned middle last year and earlier this year, she adopted him fully. I pray you are reunited with your Princess. Great advice, as well. Having seen my friend go through so many similar instances, I know those are gems of wisdom about being prepared for a drop off late at night (It does seem to be when they come!) and the points about all of the driving around for appointments of various kinds (I swear she just drives in circles!).
I wanted to add to something Stephanie mentioned. If a child comes home from a visit and has a mark or any injury be sure you point it out right away to a social worker. Some birth parents are wonderful but some will use anything to try to make you look bad. Our first foster child had a very young mom who was pretty much alone in life. She let him go into foster care so she could go take some classes and make a life for him and herself. This is a very short version of what was going on with her but she was not bad or hurt him. She was young and needed help. We all cried the day she got to come pick him up for good. One child came here because mom got very sick and there was no family in our state to take the child. We kept her for a few days until the mom was stable enough to answer questions and relatives could be found. It isn't always abuse and it isn't always physical abuse when it is. I think the mental abuse is sometimes the worst anyway. Be very careful with your pets when you get a new child. If the child it rough with your pets don't leave them alone with them ever. Don't leave anything they could start a fire with where they can reach it. We had a little boy starting fires in his bedroom! SORRY. I only meant to add that one thing and I got carried away. MAIN POINT! The kids are kids and they are wonderful but some are damaged and need very special attention. Don't take chances with your children, pets or reputation. Whatever a child may say about you cannot be unsaid and some people will never forget it even after the truth comes out. Don't be afraid to foster/adopt but don't let yourself get hurt. That won't help anyone.
