Good Morning Everyone! I thought I was over this and knew how to respond. We have been homeschooling my daughter, 9 and my son , 6 since the beginning. I have come across my fair share of haters and nay-sayers. However, last night we had a couple of neighbors over that we have been friends with for over 5 years ( mostly the husbands ). The wife has been polite, friendly but never really gotten close to me, just small talk etc. I have tried several times over the years to initiate conversations and so on. Because of our personalities ( she is very shy and quiet and I am friendly and talkative) I guess it never really went any where. Well last night they were over for dessert and we mentioned my daughter started therapy for her anxiety and panic attacks and this woman finally came alive! She came right out with telling me how I am ruining my children's life by HSing them and crippling them and how she bets they can't even talk to strangers ( such as grocery store clerks, neighbors etc). Which is completely not true. I stood up for myself obviously without really letting her have it but now looking back I realize I was completely caught off guard and am left with extremely negative feelings for this woman. I am trying not to be so negative about this but am having trouble this morning. Any thoughts?
I would be frustrated with that situation as well. I hate that people take everything that MIGHT be wrong with our kids and blame homeschooling! Your child might very well have WORSE anxiety if she'd been in a PS setting. There's no way of knowing. I think you need to address it with this woman and let her know that what she said was hurtful. I don't think you need to continue the friendship, if you don't really want to. I've homeschooled from the beginning, and my daughter has anxiety issues, not because she's homeschooled, but because she's very perfectionistic and expects a lot from herself. She's very outgoing and very vivacious, but she's very hard on herself. If that makes sense. THAT has nothing to do with homeschooing. THAT is her personality. Sorry you had to endure this. (((HUGS)))
Do not give her any more power than she deserves. You can't change her views, so change your focus and think of something else. That is in your power. She obviously doesn't understand homeschooling. When people come against homeschooling, it is also an attack on our parenting since homeschooling is a part of our life. We do not seperate our school life and home life like those whose children are educated outside the home. I understand you feeling upset. Still, don't give your power away. There isn't anything else you can do. Have a good day, smile when you see her, and feel confident that you are doing right by your children. This is all that matters. In the end, who cares what she thinks? She is just another uninformed, thoughtless person in this world, and her words only have the power you give them.
She has full on attacked one of your strong family convictions. She sounds negative and judgemental. After that confrontation, I wouldn't want her in my life. I would agree to disagree and go my way while allowing her to go the other way. I would imagine she has a hard time making friends in general if she makes it a habit of putting people down. I would never come out and say things like that to a loving mother.
I would just let the husbands be friends and not have any more couple activities. Honestly, I wouldn't share that type of information about my kids. It does open a can of worms. I think of that kind of stuff as private family information. We only divulge our children's struggles on a need to know basis. What I mean is that the 4H leader needs to know my son has dysgraphia/dyslexia b/c she may ask him to read/write in front of his peers. My neighbor on the other hand has no reason to know my child struggles at all. I think most people's gut reaction is that children need school to get the socialization and structure. It is what they know. I know my son would not do well in school b/c we tried school and it was an abysmal failure. I don't talk about occupational therapy with my friend whose child has not struggled. She can not relate. I will talk with Moms whose children have dysgraphia at my co-op. I don't bring up my son's dysgraphia to other moms unless they are teaching him. I don't talk about it at sports. What you say about your kids to other people skews their viewpoint of them. That adult will always look at your child based on what you have shared. She was wrong to say what she did, but you opened the door for her opinion. I would not want to be around her now. I would watch who I told information about my child to if they have difficulties or troubles b/c I have learned that when you homeschool...others tend to think school would be the magic cure for whatever difficulties your child has in learning or socializing.
Sorry you went through that. Obviously, she is not knowledgeable about anxiety. Be polite and realize she will never be more than an acquaintance. I'd probably not bring up your child's anxiety with other parents unless, of course, there is some reason that the parent needs to know. FWIW, I have a child that was born anxious. Homeschooling did nothing to cause it, but it sure has helped
Thank you everyone. I so appreciate all of these responses. I agree that bringing up personal issues about your children is not necessary unless it is beneficial to the subject, however since my husband and the other husband are kind of close and he was asking out of concern for my daughter. ( Plus I respect his opinion as he has worked around kids most of his life ). I agree also that she is opinionated andjudgemental and I do not need to maintain any type of friendship with her. It is unfortunate that the kids get pre-judged for having issues such as anxiety and the first thing to blame is that they are not in school. I do believe my daughter was also "born anxious" and PS would have made it worse. Thank you all for your positive words and advice. I appreciate it so very much. xoxo
I've come to realize that this is a personality issue, not an education issue. The reason I say that is that we've experienced it both ways. When we homeschooled, we had some people question it - but we were so enthused, and the children were so excited, that the criticism soon melted away. As it turns out, one of our neighbors is now homeschooling in part because we homeschooled. We didn't know it, but they must have been watching and waiting to see how things turned out. What is frustrating, though, is current criticism that our younger daughter attends a public school. It's a magnet school focusing on the performing arts, and she just loves it. The problem, actually, is at church. There's constant subtle innuendos and little jibes that she should go to a Christian school or be home-schooled, so much so that our daughter is fed up with it and will no longer attend church with us; instead, she attends a different church with friends in the afternoon and evening. The point is that, when we make what we believe to be the right choice for our child, some people will agree and be supportive, some will disagree but keep quiet, and others will disagree and constantly say so. For some reason, there are some people in this world who simply believe that their way is the only right way and feel obliged to tell "dissidents" just how wrong they are. So be it. As far as I'm concerned, it's their problem and not ours. We try not to allow it to spoil friendships but, in some cases, they make it too big of a deal and it does affect things (like our daughter and church). So, in your situation, it's positive that the neighbor felt able to state her opinion. There's no problem with that at all, and it really shouldn't affect the friendship. If she keeps harping on about it, though, then it becomes a control issue, and that's not how friendships should be.
Sounds like you handled it well. My reply would have begun and ended with "&$%^ you." I have relatively little tolerance for idiots who disparage my kids or my way of raising them. Luckily almost 100% of the people that I talk about homeschooling with are at the very least passively positive, if not 100% supportive. BTW, it seems to me that homeschooling is actually becoming pretty cutting edge hip these days.
We've had a couple of friends express their opinions on home education in such a way that it damaged our friendship for a while. I still have doubts and mini panic attacks over whether or not we're doing the right thing by homeschooling, so it gets to me when people voice their unsupportive thoughts and feelings. Our parenting educator kept suggesting we put our oldest in ps and hinting that it would fix her challenging behaviours. DD was born challenging, it wasn't caused by her being homeschooled. I just bit my tongue. I guess I just try not to bring up home education at all unless talking to other home educators, (although it can be isolating as only 1% of the population homeschools in NZ and as there's only approx. 2000 people in my town that means there's approx. 20 homeschoolers and most of them are closed brethren so don't have much to do with the non-brethren homeschoolers). If it were me I'd just continue to be polite towards the neighbour and avoid certain topics.
Unfortunately, opinionated mothers are everywhere and I wish we could all just support each other or stay quiet. You see it in every aspect of child raising. Breast vs bottle, vaccines vs not, daycare vs stay-at-home, public vs private vs homeschool.
Oh, let me at her!! That woman would have pushed all my wrong buttons!! We've been very fortunate that we haven't had many negative comments about homeschooling. If someone says something that is sounding negative, I ask them a simple question that goes along with what they said, like, "What's wrong with HS?" Then I'll tell them that I was homeschooled and the crickets start chirping. The subject never comes up again.
My dd14 was this way! She was a very anxious baby, toddler, and preschooler. I heard endless comments on how I was spoiling her by not putting her in day care, church nurseries, etc. Our decision was to remove as many anxiety-causing factors as we could (meaning she was with me all the time. I did not have to hold her, just be present.). And today, that overly anxious little girl is a beautiful, self-confident, and independent young lady. I think if we had put her in ps at a young age, it would have absolutely destroyed her. She still has nervous tendencies sometimes, but overall, she copes very well with her fears and anxieties. We can't overlook our God-given intuition about what it best for our children. And... We don't need "friends" who question it.
My MIL is a 6th grade teacher and she really questioned our ideas to homeschool (of course). Alot of times she will take my husband aside and talk about socialization and if their making friends, where are they going to meet new people, they probably are weird because they don't meet other kids and blah blah blah. I just stick to my guns, and say that homeschooling is best for our children. When it comes to Patryk, I always tell people that a goverment agency didn't make my non-verbal son begin speaking, it didn't bladder train him, and it certainly didn't go through the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad infant years. I'm finishing what I started and making him the best human being he possibly can be. MIL has come around and for Christmas and Birthdays for me she will get me teaching materials, workbooks for the kids, assessment forms, and school supplies. I'm glad she has come around, seen the improvements, and is helping out. That makes me really happy.
Like all homeschooling moms, I've heard my share of unsolicited opinions, nearly all of them negative (some are disguised as questions that are really statements, if you catch my drift). My husband pointed out to me recently that folks with the most negative comments aren't necessarily commenting on your decision to homeschool at all. They're defending their own parenting. Sometimes I've been in conversations with moms that are vigorously defending b&m schools (at times the commentary has been so heated without any interaction from me at all), and I've realized.....aha! This woman is thinking I might judge her because she doesn't spend all day with her child. Rather than judging me......she's actually concerned I might be judging her. So she turns the tables and makes it clear that her choice is the best, lest I might find her decision to be a bad one. Convoluted I know, but it seems to make some sense when I view it that way. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that reaction from this woman. I think you should feel free to share whatever you feel comfortable with when you're seeking support or outside opinions. If someone as insecure as I suspect this woman is chooses to attack you -- her loss. Sounds like your friendship would have been a good one. : ) And I like the idea another poster had of "not giving away your power". Stay strong, my friend! You have support here! : )
I've noticed this too, and when I do I reassure them that I'm not judging them and their decisions. (I have judged one woman who said "I would've homeschooled my son if I didn't have to work." I didn't say anything to her but it upset me because I went to school with her son and he was bullied and beaten up every. single. school day. He got beaten so bad on his paper run once that he had to go to the doctor to get fixed up (stitches in his head, a broken arm and bruised ribs). If the coach was late for practice the kids would bully him but he never missed a practice. She didn't transfer him to a different school or arrange someone to go with him on his paper run or for the coach to pick him up for practice, etc. I feel she failed to protect him but I'm not her and I don't know what she was going through at the time. It must of been hell for her as a mother to see that happening to her child. Sorry for threadjacking and ranting.
I just got my first, "But what about socialization" question a couple of weeks ago. It was from my brother, who I have a tense relationship with anyway, so instead of 'educating' him, I merely let him know all of the activities that my children are involved with. It answered his question, and pretty much closed the door on any more questions about socialization. To be fair, it didn't really seem like he was in an attack mode, more just trying to understand how it works. I agree with the PP who said that sometimes people think that WE are judging THEM, and so they go on the attack to try to defend themselves we ever say anything at all. The church that we go to has a lot of PS teachers, and our Pastor's wife is the principal of the Christian academy here in town. No one has ever said anything negative to me, and in fact some have been rather positive, but occasionally I do pick up on some defensiveness, which is completely unwarranted, as I am not one of those who think that HS'ing is the ONLY way to go. My only advice is to maybe try to continue to be polite and the bigger person. If the opportunity ever arises, let her know that you aren't against PS, or whatever it is she chooses to do.
I'm pretty good at sidestepping negative comments with nice non-threatening statements like "It's the best choice for our family". But I think if I had been so directly attacked as you were I might have come back with "I think YOU are ruining your child by sending him to public school! Look at all the negative things he is learning from his peers!" I have a whole diatribe on the negative side effects of going to public school. I would have let loose!! Frankly, I think people who are so vocally negative about homeschooling are just feeling bad about their own decisions. Otherwise why be so defensive! My oldest daughter has two Girl Scout leaders. One is a homeschooling mom, and one is a special ed teacher at the local high school and is very anti homeschool. The homeschool mom shared (ok GOSSIPED) with me that the teacher's daughter is getting a D in History! Ha ha! The public school doesn't always work perfectly. Take that!
