I knew this was coming, but it absolutely petrifies me. My mother-in-law will be coming to live with us in the next couple months. Her husband passed away last year, and she has gone down hill since. She cannot live on her own anymore, and she cannot afford adequate care (in fact, most assisted living facilities won't even meet with her because of her lack of assets). Well, my husband is the oldest child of 5 kids, and the ONLY one who has a good job and owns a home, etc. Two of the kids don't even live anywhere in the area. My BIL will help us make the changes. We're converting our garage into an in-law suite for her. Sigh. This whole thing is overwhelming the both of us. We know this is really the only compassionate option available (hey, we could just let her rot). But.... He does not have a good relationship with his mother, neither do I. In fact, she's sort of a swirling vortex of self absorption. Extremely narcissistic. And has SEVERAL health issues. I know that the brunt of her care WILL fall on me since I am home all day with the kids. Please pray. We know this is the "right" thing to do, but does not keep us from praying for an "out". LOL Can we be rewarded for just being willing? Anyway, please pray. thank you.
Don't envy the place you're in at all... hard decisions to be made and you want to make the best one. Much love and many prayers for you :love:
Praying! I would not take it well if my MIL had to come live with use. I'm semi thankful we live in a two bedroom apartment.
Talk with Kris! She also had a grouchy mil staying with them for quite some time. Wasn't easy, but (as you say) it was the "right" thing to do!
I showed your post to my husband, he laughed and said "I thought you wrote that a year ago." The only difference is he is an only child. I would really encourge you to look into medicaide for her or ANY other options BEFORE you move her in with you. I say that because once she is moved in with you, any "help" she would qualify for will now include the household and they consider that she has a safe place where she is taken care of. Don't get me wrong, I really, really understand that you are trying to be compassionate and caring because it is your mil. Sometimes I look at our situation and think not only is it a stress on our entire household but it probably was not the best choice for my mil either. On the flip side, it really is doable even if you all don't get along that well. I would definately negotiate boundaries at the onset. One of ours is "Homeschooling does not equal your slave." Poor ds was constantly running getting this and that and not getting school done. Just try and look at the good things no matter how small. I will be praying for your situation as I ask for guidance in ours. Debbie
Praying. We're in a similar situation only it's my parents, and they are next door in their own home. We have talked of moving in together but I don't think it financially possible for us to get a big enough house for all 5 of us...plus they want to make sure there is room for my 50 year old brother to move back home if he ever wants to:roll:. I figure just next door is bad enough anyway....LOL
BELIEVE ME, I am praying for other doors to open up!!! LOL We have discussed the medicaid option, but it is not really viable. The facilities that she qualifies are subpar at best and have the WORST records in our state. My husband doesn't feel right about it. I don't blame him. There is a LOT that needs to happen before she moves in, especially in construction. We discussed it again last night and I let him know MY boundaries of what I can handle and can't. He does have the intention of contacting places like "Angels of Mercy" or somewhere like that that would have a volunteer come in and visit her once a week and stuff. He also said he would hire someone to clean her suite so that I wouldn't have to clean it. He's thinking of having someone do her laundry as well. Although, I think she'd be capable of doing her own laundry, I thought maybe having days where the laundry room was hers to do it. I believe she does her own laundry now. Also, his intention is to give her a little kitchenette type thing so that she could do her own food. I thought I could make her meals and put them int he fridge for her so that she can heat them up. I don't mind cooking for her, and I am hoping the nights we do sit down to dinner as a family that she would join us. I'm hoping that not being alone will lift her spirits and maybe help change her attitude. I learned a long time ago that my life is not about me. And I KNOW that the Lord is in control. If this is His will, it will happen, if it is not, then something else will present itself. She's difficult, but, maybe He has a plan to use this situation in my life to teach me something. Who knows. Anyway....AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
I have not been in this situation yet... but one reason we are moving is to be closer to his mom since she is going down hill. I don't know what I'd do if she would have to move in with me.. LOL I will be keeping you in my prayers.. I pray that everything works out for your family.
The thought of my MIL coming to live with me gives the the shudders! LOL I feel for you, and I wish you good luck!! It seems like you guys have a good plan going. I will be praying things go well!
The thought of my mil coming to MY house gives me shudders, also. I would have to put down some very serious boundaries. The thought of us moving into HER house would totally destroy me!!! My children (and DH and I) would never have a place...not even their bedroom...that would be "theirs". Each bedroom is exquisitely decorated and in perfect condition. Her house isn't "lived in" at all!
I hope I didn't come across as negative or judgemental. That wasn't my intention at all. I was just trying to think of the ... If I knew then type things. I don't know about where you live but Medicaid here also has diversion programs that pay for things like housekeeping, laundry sevice, medical help (taking meds, blood samples, etc.) things like that. It's to keep from taxing the nursing homes so that people can stay with relatives or by themselves longer. That's where I was going with that statement. It does sound like you have good plans for the transition! "I learned a long time ago that my life is not about me. And I KNOW that the Lord is in control. If this is His will, it will happen, if it is not, then something else will present itself. She's difficult, but, maybe He has a plan to use this situation in my life to teach me something. Who knows." I believe this! Everything is for a reason. I'll be praying. Debbie
Update: More prayers needed! SIL called my husband today and blasted him about "swooping in to save the day" and stuff like that. He said by the end of the conversation it was calmer, etc. But she was really upset. I've told him that I don't want to do this if his sister was unhappy with this idea (we live about an hour from where his sister lives - she lives in the same town as his mother and is the one who handles so much for him, etc.). She had no other viable ideas, which my husband said he's perfectly willing to entertain. We are not 100% committed, no ground has been broken yet, etc. I tried to tell him from a woman's perspective how she must be feeling, and actually told him I was on his sister's side! LOL But....anyway, please pray. We need to ALL get together and sit down and talk about all of this so that EVERYONE is on the same page. He made an excuse about how busy his sister is and how hard that is to coordinate, I said we HAVE to make it happen, period, and if it means going to her we do that. So anyway, more prayers needed!!!! (btw, ftr, NO ONE came off judgmental at all, everyone came off truly loving and prayerful!)
Glad they didn't end up fighting and fussing with each other! That is something NO ONE needs! But the bottom line is that SOMETHING must be done. Yes, I think sitting down together is NOT an option, but a MUST. You must all come to some agreement as to what would be best.
Praying, because the transition can be rough. My 90-year-old MIL has been with us now for 15 years, and has been suffering from Parkinson's for a majority of that time. As far as homeschooling goes, ground rules have to be set. I've made it quite clear that from 9:00-2:00 daily we are "in school," which means that I am not running my MIL's errands or driving her to appointments. Some of the things you mentioned are exactly what we do. MIL prepares her own breakfasts and lunches, but I make dinner for all of us. Sometimes she eats with us, but most nights she prefers to eat earlier so that she can take her evening medications. I do wash her clothes for her so that she does not have to carry laundry baskets up and down the stairs, but she folds/puts away her own clothes. She straightens her rooms (she has a bedroom, bathroom, and adjoining sitting room), and makes her bed daily. I do the heavier cleaning weekly. Getting my MIL out of the house as much as possible is also good for her and for us! During the week, she attends weekly senior exercise classes and monthly senior luncheons at the church, and every Wednesday goes out with other seniors to the grocery store (senior discount day) for her weekly butter pecan ice cream! Since she no longer drives, she carpools to all of these outings. I hope that things work out for all of you. I know it is not easy, but 15 years into it, I am thankful that my children have had the opportunity to have their grandmother around. She can be frustrating at times, but she also brings so much to the table that I do appreciate.
Praying for guidance for your family. I hope that you can come up with a plan that fits the needs of all involved. My life changed in a similar way last year. My parents were struggling to make ends meet and Dad's health was getting worse so we were talking about them moving in with us. Our house was decent sized but I was concerned about sharing the kitchen. We tend to eat at different etc... Then I saw a house listed for sale that seemed perfect. It has a walk out basement with two bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen and living room. It even has it's own driveway. Then upstairs there is 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, kitchen and living room. We put an offer on it right away. The next day my Mom had a stroke and spent three weeks in the hospital. The day she got out of the hospital my Dad had a heart attack and ended up having triple bypass surgery and spent four weeks in the hospital. During that time we closed on the house and moved my parents into the downstairs and ourselves into the upstairs. All while both my husband and I were working full time and kids were in school. I shudder to think of that time. Overall this has been a great thing for us. My parents are usually able to care for themselves, but if they need help I am right upstairs and can run down to help them. If Mom isn't feeling like cooking I can make extra and we either eat together or I take something down to them. There are moments when my Dad drives me crazy, but I am glad that we are able to help them when they need it. The best part for my family was that even though we weren't looking to move we love this new house. The best part is that we now have 7 acres for my boys to wander and play.
I am not looking forward to when I am in your shoes. But my MIL told me once as she was taking care of HER wheelchair bound MIL that "you teach your kids how to take care of you, by showing them how you take care of others." Her mother had taken great care of her grand mother etc... Now my MIL is taking great care of her mother. I think any one of her children would provide her with great care when the time comes. Now she will drive each and every one of us crazy, and I will have to have a big house to hide in. But she has taught me and her son well, and I want my kids to know how to do it right too. I think that sounds a little like I am miss goody pants. I am not, my own mom is not welcome to come to my house, I do have my limits. But I had not heard that before and it changed my way of thinking.
Nodding my head in agreement here. Though our situations are different, I really believe that including everyone is important. If not for this very minute, for the future. There may come a time when you need some relief and by including everyone, they may be able to step in and help out whereas if you just do things and not ask/care what others say/think, you could be backing yourself into a corner. Praying
Live on a farm My FIL says it's too noisy and he couldn't live here because the chickens wake him up (granted he's up at 4am every day) I hope it works for you - I really do.... Nope I know my family won't be moving in here - my mother and I actually discussed that YEARS ago and know it would never work (I left home for a reason)....now my SIL is local , has no kids, and a big house (needs it for status or something).... so my in-laws can move in with her.
