For those of you who have older kids, How in the WORLD do you deal with your kids Gf or Bf? We have officially entered the dating stage in my boys lives.. Their Girlfriends are always over here and we really like them.. A LOT..... Ty will be 17 in just 3 days and is dating a girl who is starting college in a few weeks.. Gonna be in her own place and will be 19 next month.. YIKES!!! SO scary!!! Nick has been seeing a girl (at school) off and on for the past year.. He just started bringing her to the house and hanging around with her within his group of friends the last few months.. As we have always stressed the importance of never being alone because of the temptation. So they usually are surrounded by friends or here at the house. I seriously doubt that these girls will become my boys wives, but then again who's to say they won't.. I just don't want to get so involved in my kids lives that it interferes in their relationships.. We had one gf who's mom did just that.. She was in the middle of their problems and sometimes caused fights or would just get in there and fight with my son for her daughter.. VERY weird and AKWARD!!!! I TOTALLY don't want to be like that!!!!! I'm thinking that being polite is about all I need to be at this point.. My husband is a little bit more involved and they will text him and ask him questions and advice and that bothers me.. A little anyway.. I am standoffish and it can come across as me not liking them.. And that has already been told to me by Ty whos gf told him that.. Made me feel bad because I would NEVER want them to feel that way, but I'm not one for hanging around with my kids friends and chatting and cutting up.. Maybe I'm wrong, but I would much rather be hands off.. I know what goes on in my kids lives and some about their friends and gf but I'm not so involved that they could call me a friend.. How involved is TOO involved? I keep thinking "what IF my son does marry this girl??" Do I need to start building a relationship "just in case"? I'm sorry if this seems like an odd question, I just want someone elses opinion besides my husbands.. Because according to him, we should be as supportive and involved with these girls as we are of our sons.. Just having a hard time with that approach.. :/
Sounds very complicated indeed! In my religion we only date to find a marriage mate. And that would be after the bloom of youth, and when one would be emotionally, physically and financially able to live on their own/marry. Doesn't mean we marry the first person we date. Just means that every person we date, is with the intent of getting to know them enough to make the decision if that would be the person we would marry. So any on my children bring home could be that possible person. But, they would b adults by that time as well. I know that's not average though. But, that's how my DH and I grew up as well. So dating with out the prospects of marriage or between teens is kind of foreign to me. I hope you find the answers though! Like I said, it does indeed sound very complicated. I do know I wouldn't want to be in the middle of a argument though!
We teach courtship rather than dating. I agree with Magnolia that the purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner. While I think you can certainly meet your future spouse at a young age, there is really no need to pursue that type of relationship in the early to mid teens (my convictions and opinion!!). However, we really encourage strong friendships with the opposite sex. To me, it teaches how valuable the friendship part of a relationship is. I am having a bit of a problem with dd12 being pursued by boys. She's beautiful and shapely for her age. It drives me crazy! She has a boy who likes her, and she likes him as a friend. His parents, however, want her to be his girlfriend. We've explained our stance, and though they don't allow dating, they think the boyfriend/girlfriend label is harmless. It's sort of making things awkward, which is one of the reasons to avoid the whole thing! I don't want to tell her she can't be friends with the boy. He's a good kid.
My sister and her husband only have one son. He started dating a very sweet young lady while they were in college. We all met her and loved her and were so thrilled when they became engaged. Sadly it did not work out and they broke up. We were all so heartbroken because she had already become family to us. My mother still talks about her four years later. It is hard to be friendly enough to make them feel welcome but not get too attached. Emily was in the front yard with me earlier this week and a neighbor we had never met walked up and started talking to us. Turns out he is 18 and very interested in my 15 year old. He seems sort of child like so I wonder about him. He asked E
I would MUCH rather courtship as well, but my husband trumped me on that one.. Our views are VERY different.. I'm a practicing christian and his is not.. makes things a bit hard at times... If I had my way about it, courtship would have been my preferance.. But I really think that you have to teach the principal from a young age.. Worldly ways are hard to break if you don't.. And since hubby disagrees and sees no harm in traditional dating, then that's what they get to do.. With some rules of course such as being in a group.. The girls are a WHOLE OTHER ball game though.. Things just might be different with them since hubby is as protective over them as he is..
We also preach the courtship idea though with our oldest at just 13 it has not yet been tested. I will say that I was raised in a mostly secular home and dated from age 12 on up. My parents were not at all involved in my relationships and only casually knew my boyfriends. I wish with my whole heart that my parents were more involved with us so that communication was more open. I can talk about sex and other taboo topics with my MIL but never have with my own mother. My MIL is the kind of parent that your hubby is. There is a balance to be had though. My MIL is close friends with an ex of my husband's and that has caused a lot of tension and arguments over the years. I *think* that is all resolved now though.
My husband is VERY open with the kids and their friends.. They all respect him.. I LOVE that about him.. The courtship vs dating thing was a very small thing to us.. As much as I wanted courtship to be taught, I dropped it soon because I knew it wouldn't work with our different views and it wasn't worth fighting over for me.. I am trying REALLY hard not to get so attached to the boys Girlfriends that it's hard to let them go when they break up.. A balance is hard for me.. I want to have a relationship with them, but at the same time I don't want to get attached and cause issues for the kids. I'm the kind of person that it's all or nothing.. Sometimes I wish I could be more like hubby.. My 9 year old is going to be heartbroken when/if Ty and Allie break up.. She LOVES her.. She is a tag along a lot of the times.. And it's fine with both of them for her to be with them..
Just getting this now. We just got back from AWANA camp today, and the camp pastor and his wife said they "dourted". That's a cross between dating and courting. And I guess you could say that's what Rachael and Timothy do. He's a very nice boy. They've been friends for about four years. And yes, they are both looking at it with the eventual goal being marriage. But that's more of a long-term goal...Timothy's going out of state for two years, and Rachael won't graduate for three. If you're not thinking of marrying a person, you have no business dating.
It's not fair for a son or daughter to expect you to fall in and out of love with their BF/GFs. I think most of us did our time on the hormonal roller coaster! They can take that ride on their own, and when they find our future DIL or SIL, we can embrace him/her as such.
I'm another one for courtship in that I don't think people (namely my children) should date around. I grew up in a house where dating was totally fine and the accepted norm but *I* did not date. I made my own choices as a young teen to preserve my purity. Dh was the first man I kissed and well everything else. And I would love my children to have that too. I'm very thankful that DH is totally in agreement so this won't be something I have to even consider compromising on. I try not to use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend around the kids. Mine are still young so we haven't gotten there yet but the tween years are rushing at me. When my SIL has a boyfriend he is her friend. Heck my own mother was married and my kids never knew he was her husband. He was just a friend so when they got divorced it wasn't any huge thing to my kids, they just thought he was one of grammy's friends. As they get older obviously I won't be able to or even want to kind of "hide" that stuff from them but growing up the product of divorce minimizing my kids' attachment to my mom and SIL's significant others through the years seemed wise.
Sam very much the same here! My mom's father died young in a plane crash, so she basically grew up with out a father. (her mother dated one man, but never remarried-although I can tell my mom wishes they had married, because she liked the man, and he would try to help grandma with her younger brothers, but grandma stopped dating him because of that, she didn't want any one not their dad telling them what to do...while Im basically against kids getting new parents, those boys needed something, both died very young from alcohol/drug abuse) Any way, my dad...his mother was literally crazy. Ran his father off, who he was never allowed to see. And was raised basically by his grandparents. Meanwhile grandma married and divorced over 20 times! So both were very vulnerable, and married at the tender age of 16. Divorced at 20. My mom quickly (like with in weeks) moved in a boyfriend, who she married 9 years later, and is still my step father. My dad remarried three years later and is still married to her as well. Any way, I grew up with dating being the norm. BUT, I chose very young that's not what I wanted. All my siblings (I have 17) minus one date....however, I will say with Four of my brothers, they have really only had one girlfriend for years and years and years. But, when ever I mention marriage, they are like gee Heather we're just dating who brought up marriage? lol And I'm like...oops that was just my assumption.
My kids are small, but I wanted to chime in anyway if you don't mind. My Mom never really got too involved in my "Dating" and I was NEVER able to ask her questions or anything because she would suddenly become....eh....irritable! It was just uncomfortable to talk about with her. She was always of the mind that "I am your mother, not your friend" and she never joked around with my friends and I. Now that I'm older, we ARE friends. It was just that whole dating thing. I went through the dating process LOOKING for someone to spend my life with. I found that when I was 18 and got married young, having our first child 10 months after our marriage exactly a month before I turned 19. I wish my mom would have been a little more open and inviting with my friends and boyfriends at the time, but as a mother I can understand how she felt a little.
For all of you who are going the courtship route (which I totally agree with), how do you do it? I have two girls (8 & 4) so we are a ways off. But I would like to put these ideas in their heads now. Are there books about this? Thanks, Kristy
My best advice is not to glamorize dating. They will get enough of it from the world. I use other peoples experiences as lessons, or for discussion. Of course, it should be age appropriate. I make it clear that it is natural to feel attracted to a man, but we do not have to act on feelings, rather we use wisdom. In the end, it has to be a lifestyle, and not something you are wishy washy about, or your child will be, too. Stand firm; you will hear it from people who think that dating is the only way.
I will second it's a life style. We personally don't have "friends" who different views then this. They do probably see it a bit with my family. But, we mainly immerse ourselves in our friendships with like minded people. In our religion, it's a belief as a whole. And so our books, and studies etc geared at young ones only really talk about "courtship" style dating. It's still referred to as "dating" but with a purpose-marriage, old enough etc. And the books for young ones goes over many of the things a person would need to do before thinking of marriage-maturity level, working on theirselves spiritually, and skill sets-a man would need to have a steady job/income, a woman learning to cook. Both need to know how to care for themselves-cook simple meals, laundry, basic care of house and car, etc. So it's just kind of a way of life that we are immersed in. Their peers and our peers are all doing the same thing we are. So it's what they see most. And then like I said the books we study with them, also only talk about "courtship style dating" not about dating willy nilly. Our books also go over the limits we would want to put on courtship-having a chaperone, kissing for engagement or marriage (it's a conscience issue but there is very frank warnings about how such could lead to breaking your own rules about chasity etc). , etc stuff like that.
