This might get long! I'll probably ramble a lot! My mil is having serious health issues. We'd started noticing that when we'd go over in the middle of the day, she'd be sleeping on the couch, or still in her PJ's, or some such. And that is TOTALLY not like her! Then, her sister's brother passed away. People at the funeral noticed she "didn't look good", and Carl's cousin called to discuss this with us. (The cousin is a total "redneck" from the hills of southern Ohio, but you gotta love him! And he was calling out of concern.) So finally, Carl's brother talked her into going to the doctor. She was admitted, and it turned out she had some fairly serious cancer that no one could do anything about. She's very strong in the "God wants us all to be healthy and prosperous" sort of thinking, and feels God has told her that the tumors will dissolve. But as of now, there has been no physical signs of healing. And she's getting weaker and weaker. Over the summer, the kids were taking turns staying the night. She lives very close (about two miles, no main roads), and we've been going over to help her up and down the stairs at night. Well, school started for us today, and we told her the kids could no longer spend the night with her. We also talked with Carl's brother about this, and came up with a plan that involved moving her bed downstairs into an office room. This brother said she could move in with him, as did the other brother. I guess the thought of being alone at night upset her, because she's decided she wants to move in with her one son. He's more than willing to take her, but he has four dogs, from very large to medium-small. He's said he'll put the dogs out in the morning when she gets up, and they'll be out all day. He is home during the day for the most part. I'm not sure this will work out. She'll not be happy out of her house, for one thing. And Greg is pretty forceful. But we'll see. He's fairly newly married to a gal he's been living with for quite a long while, and I think his wife will do her best, but she works during the day. The other brother who was willing to take her is also her pastor, and has four kids, ages 4-14. His wife stays home, but the three younger kids all have special needs which involve educators/therapists in and out of the house all day long. Plus his wife isn't the healthiest person herself. And she and my mil would rub each other wrong. So while they're willing, I don't think my sil could deal with it long-term. So here's an option we're considering. Her house is a bit larger than ours, and is in a slightly "nicer" neighborhood. So we're thinking of selling this house, and then moving in with her (taking over the payments). I'll be home during the day, she could stay in her house, Faythe could help me do whatever is needed. Another advantage is that the house backs up to a nice trail that runs around a church's property; the church is very open to neighborhood people walking it. Also, there's a park about a quarter mile away with a bike/walking trail. Faythe often wants to ride it, but from our house, it's not doable. It's about two miles to get there, almost four for the trail, and then another two to get home. Disadvantages would be that I'd be uncomfortable changing things about the house, because it's be "her" house until she passes away, which could be fairly soon, or not for several years. The kids would have to keep fantasy books pretty much in their rooms; Grandma doesn't go for them, so we never bring them into her house out of respect for her. And I'd want the kids to be able to decorate their rooms as they wish. Also, we'd have to come up with an arrangement as far as buying the place with dh's siblings. If it was just the siblings, I think they'd be fine. But his sister's DH is another story. Money's pretty important to him. For example, after they were first married, there was a piano at my mil's house that no one had touched for years. It had been Lisa's when she was a child, but she wasn't interested in it. We wanted to start Rachael on piano lessons, and asked about it. Lisa would have given it to us out-right, but her husband insisted on $500 for it. And that was really a good price, so we paid it and didn't fuss. But that's just how he is. So I don't know. It's all up in the air right now, and hasn't been discussed anywhere but between DH and I. I think we're going to see how well it works out with her at the one brother's place, and then maybe throw the idea out....
I am sorry your mother in law is having health problems. My mother is living by herself now but she is across the street from us and she is doing okay right now. It is so hard to see our parents begin to become less independent and even harder to see them become afraid of doing things they have always done. I hope you are able to work out something that keeps your mil happy and safe without too many drastic changes for your family. I will be praying for her and your family.
Praying for wisdom for your family as you face this. A little over a year ago we bought a new house and moved ourselves and my parents into it. Thankfully we each have our own space, but it has still been challenging at times and a wonderful blessing most of the time.
I know of some folks who were in a similar situation. My one piece of advice is to write down the agreement to make sure all siblings are on the same page and agree. You do not want there to be any hard feelings.
Wow, that is a big one. Before you do anything, dig deep into yourself and be completely honest with yourself. Can you really do this long term if that is what it becomes? My mother offered to care for my aunt who had become pretty much paralized after back surgery. She thought for sure she could do it and wanted to do it. It didn't take long before she was burned out and feeling a whole boatload of resentment. I hope you all come to some kind of plan that will work for you all.
Well, last night we found out that she'll be going to my bill's house next week, but she told him she was only going to stay for one week, then she's coming back home. My biggest concern is that I want a "home" for my kids (of course!!!). When Rachael comes home from college at Christmas, will she feel she's coming "home", or just "visiting Grandma"? I want my kids to identify with whatever place we chose to live as "home". Mom and Dad moved away from the house I grew up in when I was an adult. I never considered their "new" place as "home", but that's OK because Carl and I had our own home at the time. But it's important that my kids have that "home" sense and I'm not sure we'd ever get it at her place. Phillip, especially, needs to make his bedroom "his", and a flowery comforter is simply NOT going to cut it!
Sorry to hear about your poor MIL. Your plan could work out, but there are several potential pitfalls many of which you mentioned. I definitely agree that any agreement about the house needs to be in writing. Also, agreeing that you need to look very honestly about how you feel about this if it becomes a long-term situation. My assistant at work did something similar about 20 years ago. They moved into her mother's house. The care wasn't that great at first, but now it's not just driving to doctor's appts but changing diapers. It's intense and sometimes the work falls to my assistant's husband. Lots of potential for tension between husband and wife. Which brings me to my last point. My MIL lived with us for the first 6 years of our marriage. It worked out pretty well, but one of the big reasons it did was because my dh was willing to tell his mother, in no uncertain terms, when she was being unreasonable or doing something unacceptable. "No, Mom, you can't feed the 2 year old chocolate at 8 in the morning." "Oh it's just a little bit of chocolate. It won't hurt him." "NO. You cannot do that and if you continue to do that, you will not be spending time with him." <arguing and name calling ensues both ways> But dh stuck to his guns over and over and over. Honestly, I would not be able to do that with my parents. I don't talk to my parents that way. We don't argue. But that leaves unresolved tension. My dh and his mom would argue but then be perfectly fine and loving and close afterwards. Different families have different styles. How will you and Carl and MIL resolve tensions that WILL come up? Will everyone be walking on eggshells because they might mention a fantasy book in her presence, or wear an outfit that is not modest enough? I'm not saying not to do it. Old age, cancer, living alone, facing mortality. Very very scary stuff. I think you would be doing a wonderful thing if you can give her comfort at this difficult time. But I just want to caution you to think it through very carefully. Good luck with whatever you decide.
