I'm not sure exactly what I'm lookIng for, encouragement/advice? I was up half the night last night bc I was so stressed abOut all my MIL's prying/testing questions about our plans to homeschool (we're doing preK, age 5 right now). She has this sneaky way of not outright giving her opinion and just asking Q after Q and just responding with 'oh' or 'hmm', but I can feel the judgment, I mean if she agreed she would say it and she wouldn't be interrogating me right? She has been asking me about school practically since he was born, I always said I don't know, we want to do private school and that's it. She sent my husband to private school for 13 years even tho I know it was a struggle for them. But now that PS is out of the question for us (for now) bc tuition has jumped up to $11,000 (and I don't want him to go to school that many hours every day, maybe never) its like she's pressuring us to consider the local public school (even tho we've explained problems w/ common core)! It is SO none of her business and I feel like she's kind of tormenting me in a passive aggressive way. He is even in classes 2 days a week at our umbrella/enrichment and my mom ( certified elementary teacher) is teaching him 1 day a week. But even tho he's five, considering all of this, is active at church, has friends, has played 3 seasons of soccer, it's still not good enough. Why is it that public school wasn't good enough for her son but is for her grandson? She was actually questioning my son last night! : "What is Mimi teaching you at her house?" LO: I don't know, drawing? (as he's playing Legos) MIL: can you just name ONE thing you have learned at Mimi's? LO: silence Can u see how awkward/frustrating/insulting this is? I went to college for almost 6 years (not that that will help in any way) of course I can teach my own child! I just find it so insulting and infuriating. Here's another example: MIL: have u met any friends at your school? Really, what are their names, can you name any of them? (awkward silence, judging lack of socialization) I just didn't say a word, I've explained and over explained, I shouldn't have to justify anything to her.
I, too, have a passive aggressive and insulting Mother In Law, however mine actually works for the public school system as a 6th grade teacher and is crazier than a coked out cat. No joke. She questioned our boys nonstop everytime we would see her. Random questions, too, like, "Oh, Beau can you tell me what that sign says?" At the time, he was 5 and couldn't read so there was no point in asking...of COURSE he can't read that! So then I would get the "hmmm" and the "uh-huh". I ignored it for a really long time, then when it got worse I explained calmly what he was and was not doing, and when THAT didn't work and she started all out questioning my methods and insulting my intelligence then we cut off all contact from her. "You can come into our house when you learn to behave" pretty much. Other factors were add up to make us cut off communication as well, but the insults and the critiquing were a big part of it. I would sit down with her (WITH your husband!!!!!) and ask her what her particular concerns are, and then tell her how you plan on addressing your concerns. Explain things calmly and reassuringly to her. You never know what she's HEARD and accepted as TRUTH about homeschooling. Come armed with facts about scores and grades and socialization. I would also ask her to please refrain from judging your child because this makes him uncomfortable as well. Say that you all love her and want her to be involved in everyone's life and to be happy, but if her attitude doesn't change then maybe your dynamic might have to. This is all totally hard to say to a MIL (or at least it was for me), so your DH really needs to be there with you as a support (let's not forget, it's HIS mother). Also, in my case, DH had to be there because she would talk so nasty to me AND about DH when he wasn't there, but was sweet as honey when DH was with me. So when I would tell DH what she would say it wasn't too believable since he'd never heard her speak that way to me. I think that's all the advice I have for now. Invite her for dinner, have a quiet conversation when the child is playing quietly in another room or sleeping, smile sweetly (no matter what), come armed to the teeth with facts, and be ready to defend your point of view.
My mother is that kind of MIL. I've always pitied my SILs. I suppose she could have been that way with me, but I grew up with her and know how to deal with her. I think the best thing my SILs could have done would have been to call her out on her snide remarks and leading questions. If they'd said, "Mom, I'm getting the impression that you disapprove of __________." As long as she was being subtle, then she thought she wasn't crossing any lines. She had a MIL who stuck her nose where it didn't belong often, but Mom fooled herself into thinking that she wasn't that kind of MIL because she wasn't as obvious as her MIL had been. If my SILs had let her know that it was obvious, she probably would have shut up fast, because she was fully aware that it was none of her business.
What is the most infuriating is that she is SO intentionally subtle that I feel like I can never call her out or pin her down, she just tries to act so innocent, but she just can't possibly be innocent in this. I mean she was asking me all kinds of Q's for almost 2 hours last night, and telling me, I need to get him tested for the magnet school no matter what bc u never know and it's so hard to get into. I said, we're HAPPY with what we're doing! My husband said she never even questions him bc she "knows better and nobody asks him questions". Ugh! She has been pointedly inquiring of every choice I have made since the day I decided to stay at home with my baby 5 years ago, she has always worked full time and just could never understand the concept and was always asking SO many questions and just SO concerned that I wasn't working! When my sister became a stay at home mom and had a 2yo she very innocently said, "well what does she (your sister) DO all day long?" this question blew my mind. She takes care of her child!!!
This may not be how it really is, but it sorta sounds like your husband has kinda...thrown you to the wolves. Know what I mean? Have you explained to DH how her behavior makes you feel? Can he get behind you on that and understand how it makes you feel? Is your DH more firm with her than you are, could that be why she wont ask him anything? Have a convo with your DH first, and talk this over with him. Personal Experience: DH used to ignore his mom if she slipped and said something controversial in front of him, because he easily let's stuff roll off his back. I don't. I internalize a lot. It took awhile to really explain to DH how I felt about his mother's questions, constant critiquing, badgering, and over-all foolishness. In the end, she knew that if "I" tried to lay down the law, there was always a loophole with DH. "Well, he's my son and if I want to see my son, then I will!" However, this always ended up with her never saying a word to him, and badgering us about the kids. When DH laid down the law, it was final, because she didn't want anything to do with me anyway, it was DH she was always trying to convince. Make sure you and your husband are on the right page with things.
This part says a lot. If she knows that she can't say anything negative to him, then HE needs to put his foot down and also tell her that his family is an extention of him. If she gives you or his son the run down, then she will deal with HIM face to face. Questions are welcome if she needs to understand homeschooling. But even the slightest passive aggressive questions or comments means that she will go without seeing or talking with the family until she stops. Handsome had to do this with his sister, and mom.
There is a GREAT book which is an easy read called "Stop Being Manipulated" by George Green. You can't reason with a manipulator, so this book teaches you how to neutralize them. I found it very effective at dealing with this behavior in my family. It's been a few years since I read it, so I'm not sure what to tell you about your exact situation, but the book surely will have a good example that is similar. In one example in the book, the mom asked the MIL to babysit. The MIL used her cunning manipulative skills to say, "ooooh, I had plans that night, but I guess I'll just cancel them to help you." Rather than be manipulated, the mom would say to her MIL, "In that case, nevermind. I don't want to ruin your plans." Of course, this took the wind out of MIL sails, as she was no longer getting a "rise" out of this, and soon she learned that if she wanted to see her grandchild (which she did) she better stop manipulating. No confrontation required. I highly recommend the book to learn tactics to neutralize these types of bullies. Good luck!
oh, you have my utmost sympathies My MIL has always been very disapproving of our homeschooling. She actually has disapproved of most of our "non-mainstream" parenting decisions (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, etc), but I eventually figured out it was more all about her. She feels that when we choose something differently than she did, that we're saying we didn't feel like she did a good enough job, ie if it was good enough for dh and his siblings, why isn't it good enough for our kids. That said, I've never doubted her love for her grandkids, and there's at least a small part of her disapproval that's based in just wanting what's best for them. So when she's really getting on my nerves about it, I try to focus on that part so I don't lose it lol. Some things I do that help me handle it: - When she questions if they're learning enough, in line with their peers, etc I always reply with something like "oh, Josh is so smart he's doing just fine" because I know there's no way she can argue with that. She would never admit he's not smart, kwim? - I never, ever complain in front of her... about homeschooling, about the kids driving me crazy during the day, about something they're struggling with. Ever. I don't look to her for that support. I have other people in my life for that. - I make a point to highlight their accomplishments in front of her whenever possible. - I don't EVER let her complain about or question our decision to homeschool in front of the kids. If she tries, I just say "I'd rather not discuss this around the kids". This one isn't as much of an issue anymore. Last spring, my then 10yo came home from her house in tears because she'd asked him "don't you ever want to go to a real school?". I was livid, and my husband flipped out when I told him. He had a talk with her, and I think she really did feel bad about hurting his feelings because she came over and apologized to him very sincerely.
I have been there. It is hard. One of my MIL's was super supportive and the other one worked in the public school system and at first was so "worried" about the kids. I would call her our on the questioning though b/c it is rude and not fair for your child to have to field an interrogation. I would make dh say something. We did have friends/relatives "quiz" our kids and I started quizzing their kids and pointedly asking about their kids grades. You can't very well do that to your MIL but you can call your child in for a snack or give your child a task such as picking up toys in another room or just something to get them out of the room with the nosy MIL. Say something like school is out for the day, it is play time we aren't going to talk school. Just something non-confrontational but firm that it isn't time to talk school. We have been schooling 5 years now at home and all of my children are doing well. They all see this and even the relatives/friends who weren't outright nosy and questioning have told me that they were worried when we decided to homechool. I wouldn't wait years to speak up though. I think my husband did have a chat with his family that we chose to homeschool not just I chose to homeschool and it changed how everyone acted. They realized he had my back no matter what and it wasn't just crazy little old me that wanted to home school. We had decided it was for the best.
I've not read all the comments, but I don't think anyone has told you to "pass her some bean dip". Someone posted an article on here years ago about the Bean Dip method of homeschooling. Here's a link: http://www.weirdunsocializedhomeschoolers.com/pass-bean-dip/ (I want to send this to my dil because of some issues she's facing with her mom!)
Thanks for the repost! I just printed this out. I have a chronic case of "when in doubt, start defending" in many areas of my life and could be passing lots of bean dip instead! : )
Thank you all for your help I really appreciate it! Yeah my husband just doesn't discuss anything controversial with him and they're afraid to cross him I guess, they don't want to push him (their only child) away. Anytime he and his dad disagree they practically end up yelling, so awkward and unpleasant. It took a little while for me to actually grasp how manipulative she was being with me bc she was SO subtle in the way she went about it. But my husband had just told her absolutely not, we would.never send our child to that school, just earlier that day and I was very impressed with the passion that I heard in his voice about it bc he is normally very neutral and easy going and just doesn't get very excited about anything. And that night she got me alone with our child and said all that stuff. After I told him how upset I was and everything she said, he started sending her links to Core videos yesterday (just bc that's our most recent issue with the school system) and the Overruled video from YouTube (must see if u haven't). Thank u again!
Core videos? Hey, you can always reply, sending her videos on how Core will (further) destroy our education system! :lol:
As hard as it is, stop answering all her questions with regards to school.Talk to your husband so the both of you make a united front. And do not let her question your son. If she comes up to your son and starts questioning him like that, walk over and get him and take him to do anything, from wash his hands, to just switching to a different activity in a different room. Your husband needs to be the one to tell her to back off. Inlaw problems are never solved by the one who married in trying to deal with them. The only reason she is in your life is because she is your husband's mother, and your husband needs to deal with her. If you try to deal with her, this will only get worse. AND, do not leave your son alone with her anymore. I am guessing Mimi is her. He should not be left alone at her house to be taught by her. She is going to undermine you, undermine your parenting, undermine your relationship with your child. The mere fact that she chose to circumvent you and go directly to your preschool age child to drill him about this stuff shows a lot about what she will be willing to do behind your back. Do NOT let her! (((hugs)))
If you can stand it, let it roll off your back and don't worry about her. She's just being a controlling loon. That's it's own punishment. But if it gets to be more than you can take... Be direct. I'd just tell her..."Keep it up, Old Woman, and you'll be a lot less fun to come visit. And no, I won't make him." And when she feigns shock and insult and gets indignant.. Say, "Would you want to visit someone who interrogates you every time they see you because they're too chicken to talk directly to the person they really have a problem with?" When I told my mil this, she got pissed off, and unloaded all of her fears, concerns and prejudices...in one wild screaming fit. And I think it helped to let her get it off her chest. Then I told her..."You're an awesome Grandma and we all love you. I get it. You're concerned. I've heard you. Now it's time to drop it. You're not his mom. I am." And if she gives you any more crap....ask her what she'd do if HER mother in law interrogated your husband as a boy and played passive aggressive bully games with him in the middle. It might put it in perspective for her. And if your husband flinches about any this....remind him that he should have seen it coming and gotten off his arse and dealt with his mom directly instead of waiting for you to do it. It'll make big waves. But the great thing about a big storm is that the seas are usually pretty calm after. Your message will be loud and clear.
