Public schoolers, Aspergers, and fighting sibs, ruining home schooling

Discussion in 'Homeschooling' started by Maybe, Oct 6, 2013.

  1. Maybe

    Maybe New Member

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    I have way more children than these two in the middle. But the two in the middle are 2y8m apart. The older one just turned 12. He has Aspergers. DS12 and DS9 fight constantly. I have never dealt with this with any of the older kids. My oldest two are 17 months apart with the oldest having just left for college and the next one graduating this year. (18 yrs old, almost 19 and the other is 17 yrs old). They were a boy and a girl though.

    DS12 cannot get along with any of his siblings. Even the oldest who is almost 19 says he cannot stand to have DS12 around. In fact, everyone old enough to speak says they cannot stand to have ds12 around and cannot stand to be left alone with him. DS12 bullies them. I have caught him bullying them. However, at home school group and around other kids, he is generally fine and great. However, in a home school class he was in 2 years ago, he kept bullying a little boy who was much younger, because he didn't want to take the class and figured it would get him out of it. It worked, he got kicked out after repeat incidents.

    DS12 insists his siblings are picking on him. There are cases where it does appear they may be picking on him. It may go both ways. But with the rest of the kids, they all get along with each other and none of them have been caught bullying outside of the home, where as DS12 was caught back in that class. Since DS12 insists his siblings pick on him, we did role playing and worked on him telling us when he feels picked on. Fine. I thought it was working. But the other day, I was standing just outside the kitchen and heard DS9 and DS12 talking. DS9 never said or did anything wrong. Neither child seemed to realize I was there. Suddenly, DS12 starts screaming "stop picking on me!!! <DS9> is picking on me!!!" Normally, I would run in, and separate them. DS9 would probably be in trouble. But DS12 was caught lying!!! DS12 was now in trouble.

    To add to all this, DS9 has lots of public schooled friends. In fact, he has no home schooled friends. (part of me suspects this could be because of DS12 alienating him at home school activities as DS12 is a bit popular there, but I do not know. I did catch DS12 recently trying to turn one of DS9's friends against him when the friend was visiting us). DS9 public school friends convinced him he needed to go to public school. DS9 would come home from visiting friends, crying, saying he wanted to go to public school. Because I was tired of all the fighting and felt like we never got anything done, I let DS9 go back to school.

    Then later, I found out that it was not just about wanting to be with his friends. I found out the moms of the friends were trashing on home schooling to him and convincing him of bad things about home schooling and home schoolers. Now I wonder if part of the fighting going on between the two was related to the interference that I unknowingly allowed these other mothers to have on my child! (I do not know of ds12 causes most of the fighting, I do not know if it is 50/50, it is very frustrating).

    Our middle school is unacceptable to us. No way will ds9, or any of our children, be allowed to go there. We live in an affluent area and most people in our neighborhood send their children to private schools. We cannot afford private school. The middle school has serious drug and sex problems going on, inside the school. The bullying is extreme. Despite having home schooled for several years, when we first moved here, we let our older children try out the middle school for a short while. It was awful and shocking what went on there. And the principal was a pervert who would laugh when the boys were caught doing what they were doing. He would say stuff like "boys will be boys." He is still there. The high school regularly has kids dying or ending up hospitalized from drug overdoses and/or suicide attempts. I just have no intention of continuing down this path with the public schools.

    SO...the big question..what do I do? I feel like DS9 is going to be devastated when he is forced to return to home schooling. But the two of them need to start getting along. In addition, I am suspecting that the influence of those public schoolers who have been saying these things to my son (it continues while he is at school) needs to come to an end.

    Any suggestions on the best way to handle this? I want to make things smooth. I am thinking I should wait until the end of the school year. Then, make the transition over the summer. And during this time, not have any of those public schooled friends over and spend as much time with other home schoolers so DS9 can make new friends. And of course, I need to work on how they treat each other.
     
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  3. bahacca

    bahacca New Member

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    Wow, you sure have a lot of rotten garbage on your plate. First of all ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))). Seems you have several issues that are intertwining. I'll try to address them one at a time.
    1--The public school friend's mothers. First thing I'd do is no longer allow him to go to those homes. If those friends want to come to your home, I'd be fine with that so you can control that without making him alienate his friends.
    2--As far as the fighting goes. Kind of cheesy, but i just read a chapter last night about quarreling siblings in a Charlotte Mason Companion book. She said the vast majority of quarrels are caused by 1 of 2 things: "selfishness and harsh judgement of others." Perhaps lessons and time spent on these lessons would be beneficial for the entire family. I'm not sure of your DS12 Aspergers and how much this may affect his ability to process such ideas, but it may be worth a try. Another way to go about it may be to remind the kids about what I refer to as "word vomit." When you vomit, you are left with a bitter taste in your mouth. It is upsetting and makes you feel-well, gross. The same goes for word vomit. When scathing remarks, selfish dribble and judgement about others flows from your mouth, it will NEVER make you feel BETTER about any given situation--it will only leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth.
     
  4. Lindina

    Lindina Active Member

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    Is your 12yo involved in any kind of counseling/social-training program? This sounds to me very like what my friend goes through, with an Aspie age 12 who is homeschooled and a 9 yo public schooler, and a daughter in the public high school. They have a counselor who goes to their home once a week and stays the day, to teach and model appropriate social skills for the Aspie son. I'm not sure what-all they do during a day, but my friend says she couldn't live without it. Her Aspie son has a below-average IQ according to his most recent testing a few months ago, which likely is related to his below-age social skills, which puts him at overall functioning levels similar to or below his younger brother's -- which means they're more similar in "age" than their birthdays would indicate -- which I'm sure leads to more competition and arguments between them.

    I think I would seek out group activities among the homeschool group that is divided by age/interest, so that the two boys are not in the same activity at the same time. This might allow the younger boy to make his own friends outside the purview of his brother.

    Other than that, all I can say is, I'm praying for your family.
     
  5. mykidsrock

    mykidsrock New Member

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    I"m with Lindina... I'd say normal sibling stuff plays a part, but it may be helpful to look into hiring someone to come in and shadow the 12yo. Find out what is really happening when they are not putting on a show for you, and then address the root causes. Model appropriate problem solving etc.

    Love the Charlotte Mason comment bahacca! I'll be thinking about that one for my boys! I think all kids and teens could use a reminder on that one!
     
  6. Maybe

    Maybe New Member

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    My 12 yr old is of a more advanced IQ.

    I think I will work on this with character lessons.

    I cannot hire someone to come in and work with him. He was on waiting lists for 3 years and finally got in to 2 places mid 5th grade. Well, end of 5th grade is when all the programs here end. So, he aged out within months of finally getting in. Now there will not be anything else until after he is 18 yrs old and can look at an adult program. I know there probably is something out there for cash pay, but we cannot afford to get in to that.
     
  7. mykidsrock

    mykidsrock New Member

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    Gotta love wait lists - oh joy. Where we are, it's not too tough to hire someone privately to come and work with your child. $10 to $15 per hour... That's what I was envisioning, but if your care is all based out of a center, then it wouldn't work.

    I used to do this type of thing with high functioning kids. One of the big issues I always worked on was thinking from the other person's perspective. Look at a comic strip and see if he can figure out what the characters are thinking/feeling. Discuss family events or things seen on tv. Usually it works best to leave him out of the scenarios at first, then do his own, real life scenarios as he gets better at thinking that way.

    If you work on point of view at the same time as teaching character lessons, you may have more success.

    Hope you find something that works for your family dynamic.

    Blessings
     
  8. CrazyMom

    CrazyMom Banned

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    I think pulling DS9 from a school that he likes...and friends he likes...will feel like a punishment he doesn't deserve.

    Ok, so the public school moms were criticizing homeschool. Due to ignorance. While I disagree with them, I don't feel like this should be a deal breaker if they otherwise keep your son safe and he has friendships with their sons that he values. It's crappy of them, but it's nothing your son hasn't heard before. You will not be able to protect him from this message, even if you take away his friends. Worse, what he perceives as injustice might reinforce their criticisms. Your son has relationships with these other boys...not their snarky mothers. Try to remember that.

    The son with the Aspergers....wow. That's a tough spot. I understand your DESIRE that they work it out and learn to get along...but that doesn't mean it's going to realistically happen without help...in which case bringing the 9yo back from school might be exactly the wrong thing. Not only will you have denied him his friends and a school he enjoys...he will now have the very real risk of being bullied by his brother ON TOP of other perceived injustices.

    You said that you let your son attend public school "Because I was tired of all the fighting and felt like we never got anything done, I let DS9 go back to school."

    What happens if you get tired of the fighting again? What happens if the environment is too hostile to get things done again?

    I guess what I'm saying is...be really careful when you make this choice. It's not fair to disrupt his life if you don't have a solid plan. He'll resent it. Given that NONE of this is his fault, I think his resentment would be justified and would fuel the already bad situation with his brother.
     
  9. ochumgache

    ochumgache Active Member

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    I'm not in your shoes, but one thing I do to maintain sibling harmony is to make sure they all have their space. There are several parts to that. First of all, even if they share a room, they know that they can get away somewhere in the house and be left alone. I make my room available as a refuge when necessary. Secondly, I make sure that they have time with their friends without their siblings. My youngest son loves to follow his brother and his friends around, but unless his brother invites him, I make him leave them alone. The same was true with my niece who lived here and my daughter. They had many of the same friends, but I made sure that they both were free to plan things with those friends without having the other tag along all the time. If it was a big group event with their mutual friends, then they both went, but if one wanted some time alone with a friend or two, the other respected that. Finally, they each have their own sibling-free sport/club/activity. I want them each to have an area in which they can excel without "competing" with a sibling--they have their own specialty. For my daughter, it's karate. For my son, it's Boy Scouts. For my youngest son, I don't know what it will be. He is so much younger than my daughter that it's not as big a deal. He's interested in karate, but by the time he got very far into it, she'll be off to college. There are plenty of things they do together, but I just try hard to make sure they have their own space too.
     

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