Courtship/dating/adults,parents, and marriage

Discussion in 'Other Conversation' started by Maybe, Jul 18, 2014.

  1. Maybe

    Maybe New Member

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    One of my adult children is dating another adult person. In the beginning, it was courtship. But, once they got to know one another, my husband and I did not want to supervise them, and neither did the dad for the other family. We really like this young man and I think the dad for the other family really likes my daughter, so all is pretty good. The mom for the other family, however, keeps stating she wants to keep everything supervised, but when the adult children are at her house, she does not bother with supervising.

    Both of these young adults are in college. Then have decided to get engaged. They attend different colleges. My husband and I are fine with the engagement and I am certain the dad with the other family is happy. The mom, however, does not seem to want to see any of her kids get married. Her oldest has dated a girl for over 6 yrs and is getting married now and the mom is still objecting. But regardless, that is not the point of the problems here.

    Here is how the dates go. He lives in a different town, about 30-45 minutes away. They both home schooled and met at home school activities many years ago. He will drive here and they might hang around here or they might pack a picnic and go out for a little while. Or, she goes to his house, and same scenario. I asked how the dating will go with school starting back in in a few weeks. I was told that they both intend to go home on the weekends and see each other there-continuing everything as it has been. Oh, and the wedding date they are picking is a full 4 years old. My adult child is on schedule to graduate in three years. I suggested perhaps they could visit each other at each others colleges and he could stay with my son at daughter's college or my daughter could stay someplace at the boyfriend's college. I was told they could not stay on each other's campus, even if they stay with someone else there. When I suggested perhaps she should, sometime, just stay with the boyfriend's sister up where he lives. I was told no, that would be inappropriate to do before they are married.

    OK...so..backing up....the wedding is four years away. This means, for the next four years, we are expected to "host" their dates? This is really not okay with us. We had plans. We like to go to the park for the day. We wanted to go out of town. Now we are tied to the house for the next 4 years because of their commitment to purity? From my experience, people who are wanting all this supervision on their dates usually have short engagements. They don't expect someone else to supervise their dates for several years. My husband and I were not the ones to push such a level of purity that they cannot even stay in the same building or the same college as each other. My son lives in a different building than my daughter, so it is not even the same building he would be staying in there. I suggested they move their wedding date up so that these logistics are no longer an issue. Daughter says no, if anything, they will be moving it back. For some reason, they have gotten in to their heads that they have to first work, and live apart, until they both are debt free from student loans.

    My husband and I are saying it is reasonable to not want to have children before paying off the loans. But, it is NOT reasonable to just expect that we will continue to host their dates for the next 4-5 years. My husband says he will not tolerate this for long. I think that perhaps, once they have a few months apart, they will either develop flexibility on things, or they will break up, or something.

    I really like this young man and do not want to be the cause of them breaking up. But I really just cannot see spending the next 4-5 years, tied to my home, because my adult child has simply decided that we have to supervise her dates. In my little world, when someone decides to get married, they do not have a several year engagement. And if they do, they do not burden others with the chore of maintaining that relationship. I could never imagine expecting my parents, when I was an adult, to be responsible for and host all my dates. Nor could I imagine PLANNING that my parents would continue to host my dates for 4-5 years after being engaged, all because I want a long engagement so I can meet some financial goals as a single person.

    Do you think she will outgrow this? I am thinking if these two do not get a bit more independent over the next year, we will have to have a sit down talk about how they are going to handle things. How would you handle this? I was fine with "hosting" the dates when I thought it was short term. But once daughter announced this will go on for the next several years, it just has become a huge burden rather than a joy. However, I will admit that I really like this young man. He is a joy to have around. I just feel like, for example, we have not done anything all summer that involved being gone for the day, because we needed to be here many days for them. It has sort of been okay, in the short term. But I never dreamt I would be grounded to my home for several years.
     
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  3. Shelley

    Shelley New Member

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    Well, I would say this isn't being very honoring to you and your husband as parents. I assume your daughter is around the 18 year mark and so probably will mature out of some of this. However, I would have no problem with sitting her and her boyfriend down and saying that they aren't the center of anyone's universe. If they're so lacking in self-control then they either need to 1) move the wedding date up, or 2) find a way to schedule all their dates in public venues [e.g. the mall]. How they figure out the logistics of that is up to them as they're both adults and need to start making those decisions on their own.

    I, too, would find it frustrating and extreme to be expected to babysit adults on their dates for years. I'm sorry, but that's just ridiculous and invasive to me. Again, just me personally, but I would NOT give in to this at all. You did your job parenting; now it's time for your daughter to do her job and grow up.
     
  4. CrazyMom

    CrazyMom Banned

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    Here's the problem: your daughter's potential mother in law is nuts. If she's this controlling and nutty now...wait till they get married. Ugh!

    Lover boy has to grow a pair and tell mom....I'm an adult. I love you and respect you, and am glad for the great character lessons you taught me, but at this point it really is up to me how to run my life and my relationships.

    If he's not willing to cut the apron strings and stand up for setting his own rules....he and your daughter don't really have a relationship...all they have is a sick kinda threesome with his mom.

    Tell your daughter it's insane to think she has an "engagement" to someone who needs mom's permission to cross the street.

    Personally? I'd advise my daughter to dump him, and find a more mature boy with fewer mommy issues. She will avoid a TON of mother-in-law issues in the future!

    Alternately, you can tell the kids what I told my daughter and her boyfriend:

    "Look, we think you're both good kids who are capable of making good decisions. We know The Boy's parents are not comfortable with you being alone together.....but now that you're 18, we have a different comfort level. Their rules....their house. Our rules....our house. You guys make a decision on what you want to do and where you want to spend time. Whatever you think is best. In the mean time, your dad and I have plans. Have a great night!"

    Not to say I'd mind hanging out with the kids when we're planning to stay home...I love hanging out with the kids and doing fun stuff together. But for Pete's sake...at 18? They need space. You've EARNED freedom from babysitting. This woman needs to get over herself. That's just creepy.

    (all of this is just my opinion, of course)

    If they're not mature enough to self regulate their behavior, how on Earth would they even CONSIDER marriage? It's absurd.

    Also...sorry, but if Mommy is setting the rules on how and when you're getting married....she'll also try to set the rules on how your kids are raised, where you spend holidays, where you go to church, etc.

    Nip it in the bud now. If you want to be an adult...you have to act like an adult. That means standing up for yourself and setting limits with people who are stepping on your rights...even if it's your mom or future mother in law.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2014
  5. Maybe

    Maybe New Member

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    Actually, they are self regulating on the not visiting each other's campuses and such. I am hoping that over the course of the year, I will hear they decided that is unreasonable. I know the future MIL wants them to not spend time together, but she does little to enforce what she wants and her husband does not seem to feel how she feels. I think the boy himself is quite conservative and my daughter is strong willed and wants to do whatever she thinks he would want to do. The MIL is, admittedly, judgemental and a little bit of a PITA. But I have sort of hoped that since she does not have the support of her dh in behaving like this, she would not be a serious issue or threat to their relationship. For example, she insists they be supervised and talks to me about supervising them. Then I pointed out to her that I noticed she left them alone in his bedroom at their house, and she leaves the house with them alone at it. The guy and my daughter both seem to think they will have crossed some sort of moral and Godly boundary if they visit each other at each other's dorms. In his case, he is in an all male dorm where girls are not allowed upstairs. But in her case, she is in an all female dorm where boys can visit and her brother is in the all boys dorm near by.

    I am betting once the two of them are off to college for a little while, they will grow to realize that coming home every weekend and staying at their parents houses is not a practical way to run a relationship for very long at all.

    I will say though, I really think this young man is wonderful. He is polite and kind and very nice to everyone in our family. All my children adore him. Even my husband thinks he is great, which is pretty good.
     
  6. CrazyMom

    CrazyMom Banned

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    In all honesty....18 is awfully young to get committed. People do it...but it's less common today than it used to be.

    Don't get me wrong....the boy sounds like a sweetheart. Elle's boyfriend is a sweetheart too...I adore him. But at some point mom has to let go and stop dictating how they work their relationship, and trust them to do a good job on their own....regardless of what decisions they make.

    I would just really hate to see your daughter in a position where her wants and needs come in second to her mother in law's wishes someday. Just very concerned about the writing on the wall with this one.

    Also not criticizing whatever decisions they make....if THEY are the ones making them, you know? If they're both hell bent on "purity" and they agree to apply all these limits to their interactions because THEY really like the idea....to each their own.

    But if this is all about Mom forcing her will on Jr....and Jr forcing Mom's idea on your daughter....and your daughter forcing that idea on you to make Jr happy.....that's really not going to work. And it sets and ugly precedent for future conflicts.

    Marriages work A LOT better...when input from both sets of inlaws is kept to a minimal.
     
  7. Maybe

    Maybe New Member

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    You are right! And they really are a bit young now. I guess I was venting over the frustration of having to supervise everything and those two have gotten the idea that this is how it should be.
     
  8. Jackie

    Jackie Active Member

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    I'm also seeing potential problems with the MIL....

    1) I think being "engaged" for four years is a bit much.

    2) Exactly how old are we talking? There's a big difference between a 18yo "adult child" and a 25yo "adult child".

    3) I think you need to set boundaries. He is not welcome to come EVERY weekend. You have a life, and you cannot expect him to be there each week. I'd limit it to once a month. He can come to your place once a month, she can go to his once a month, and they don't need to see each other the other two.

    4) I don't have a problem with her staying with a female friend on his campus, or he staying with a male friend on hers. To be quite honest, my 20yo's boyfriend will stay here. He sleeps in the basement on the futon bed; she sleeps in her sister's room. (We've moved recently; she was suppose to have the "extra" bedroom, but my bil is staying with us temporarily and is in that room!)

    Rachael and her boyfriend are planning on getting married. They, also, have a purity agreement. But they are not engaged as of yet, nor are they planning on getting engaged for a while. He attends school in Georgia; she flew down there at the end of the semester, stayed two nights with friends of his, and went to his roommate's wedding. Then they drove back to Ohio together (straight through, not stopping anywhere overnight!). It was kind of funny, because she told me who she would be staying with, and it was a guy (!!!). Then I learned that it was "John's apartment", but John was married and his wife (of course) would be there, too. Whew!!!
     
  9. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Member

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    I haven't been on these boards in a while....but had to throw my 2 cents in....

    If they wait to pay off student loans it's going to be a LOT longer..... It took us a long time to pay mine off. So that is a big red flag as far as that statement.
     
  10. CrazyMom

    CrazyMom Banned

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    That's a solid point, Diznee...depending on their debt load, they could be paying those loans off for a decade. I totally get (and support) the idea of working hard to be debt free ASAP....but this plan sounds more and more unrealistic.

    And when you think about it....if they get married and share expenses, paying the loans back is going to go a lot faster than each of them dealing with living expenses separately.

    Nothing against purity arrangements...I know mature couples who make these kinds of promises, and I think it's pretty wise.

    But having MOM involved in enforcing this sort of thing.....is very infantalizing and odd. (to me, anyway) Mom should have some rules about this sort of thing in high school....but college? That just seems really creepy to me.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2014
  11. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Member

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    CrazyMom....What people forget is that the student loan does have tax benefits...part of reason we took our time with them as well....

    I just don't understand the whole chaperone thing. I mean if you are to keep your purity and you both agree to it then you as a couple need to do things that won't put you in a compromising position. I mean if I don't want to eat a donut should I go to the donut shop every day??? I make a choice...staying pure is a choice that you have and to remain that way you have to have the conviction without others to remain that way...It is possible....
     
  12. Lindina

    Lindina Active Member

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    It is entirely possible to keep a purity agreement because of an adult life-choice. They are adults now, and they should see to their own commitment as far as what they will and won't do. If they were still kids at home, that's one thing, but they're not. Are you supposed to get tired of the arrangement and pay off their loans so they can get married sooner? I surely hope not! Are you responsible to remind them to pay their bills? I surely hope not!
     
  13. DizneeTeachR

    DizneeTeachR Member

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    Lindina.... agree with you...maybe they should find friends that they can double date with to be chaperones and not rely on parents so much...since like you said they are adults.
     
  14. TendinButterfly

    TendinButterfly New Member

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    This is an interesting conversation...on the one hand I admire their plight to remain pure. On the other hand..I kind of wonder if they're SO sure that each of them are The ONE (which is the point of an engagement right?) Why the four year wait?? I understand there's college...I'm pretty sure you can still attend college while married, no? It just sorta seems like all their reasons to NOT get married...aren't actually reasons but excuses.

    The MIL thing is HUGE. If she's this much of a pain now..and with her other adult children's relationships...she's not likely to get any better. I don't see a Naomi and Ruth situation happening here ;-)

    If it were The Entourage (the children we have)...I would have an honest conversation with them about the reality of their expectations...and what do they see benefits of being "engaged" for 4 years or longer being. I'm not one for loooong engagements..either do it or don't....don't waste each others time for 10 years of engagement just to be divorced a year after you marry (this is usually the case with long engagements in my experience )

    If you aren't ready for marriage within 12-24 months..then don't get engaged...keep your purity..and become awesome pen pals/best friends...and visit when and where you can handle the stimuli of being in each others presence.
     
  15. CrazyMom

    CrazyMom Banned

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    Was thinking of calling out Maybe for an update on this whole situation....but it occurred to me she hasn't been around in over a week.

    Has anyone seen Maybe?

    Am thinking of her and including her in prayers.
     
  16. Maybe

    Maybe New Member

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    sorry..I am here. They are engaged.
     

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