I am sorry ladies, but I need to VENT. My SIL has caused a big stir in our home. We have been homeschooling for 4 years. Two of my dds have been happy as can be about it; the other has learned to like it better. Anyways, my SIL is a public school teacher who complains about the system all the time. She has told us how terrible it is, but she feels it is only terrible at her school. She told my dds, while my hubby and I wasn't around, that they should be in public school so they could have noodles of fun (during highschool). She went as far as to say they needed boyfriends (my dds are 12,12, 10) and that if they didn't go to highschool they would miss out on the biggest part of their life. We have always told them they needed to focus on school and graduating from college which hasn't been a problem until now. Now they are questioning us. She also told all 3 of the girls she was going to do a make over on them and even change their hair color so they would "fit" in better. I am still sizzling. ...:x . My dds are pretty the way God made them; Now they are wondering if they do need help with their looks. She sent my 10 year old back home to us the other day so made up with makeup she looked like...well it's not nice to say.When I told my 10 year old that I wasn't crazy about the makeover, she immediately told my her Aunt loved it. I told her light makeup helps us to highlight what God has already made beautiful. Dark makeup hides all the beauty and is artificial. She is 50 years old, never been married, and thinks our schooling the girls at home (in a Christian enviroment) will cause the girls to grow up without husbands, or happiness. No, she was not homeschooled. She was in a big highschool. She dated all the wrong men (the partiers).I just don't understand why she is so adiment about talking homeschooling down when it is working for our family (nicely when she stays out of it). I wish she would just stay out of it. How can she go behind our backs like that. She only talked so boldly to them b/c her cousin was over at her house. She says she is a Christian, but she is leading my girls astray. She is encouraging them to rebell against us. She is teaching them to go against God. How should I deal with this? My hubby doesn't have much family, his mother and sister, who live next door to us, so he doesn't want to rock the boat, but I am passed the point of sitting back and letting her do this. I feel it is time for a talk with her, but I do not want my hubby hurt in all of this or my children. This is my dds life she is messing with though. I am trusting God to help me with this, but I need some advice too. I just really needed to vent..... Thanks for listening, Melanee
I would ask her to please talk to you or your husband about her views before expressing them to your children . I would also ask that sh not put makeup on the girls until they are of an age to wear it. 10 is way too young! Be polite and non-threatening but tell her that she hurt you and dh's feelings by going behind your backs and stirring up trouble. If possible, maybe your hubby could talk to her with you. Try to talk it out calmly. I know how it is living near the family and it is very hard not to hurt feelings when they step over the line.
Mary's more polite than I am, lol!!! My kid wouldn't be going over there for quite a while. Plus, it's your DH's responsibility to lay down the law. I get the feeling this is on-going, not a one time happening. She needs to be told that this behavior will NOT be tolerated, that the two of you feel this is God's direction for your children's lives. (I guess it wouldn't be polite to say "You went to PS, and I sure don't want my girls ending up like YOU!!!", lol!) The bottom line is she can't undermine your authority!!!
If your sister is 50 she's probably still stuck at Woodstock like my 50 year old sister is. This wasn't right of her, to put all these ideas into your kids' heads. Ask her bluntly how she can help them in the boyfriend department when she can't seem to keep a permanent mate herself?? Maybe she needs a makeover of some sort??
I thnk it may have been pretty much a big hint that I am not a big fan of my in-laws in my intro. Looking in on other situations, I see how lucky I am sometimes. With them living right next door, I am not certain what you can do. It sounds to me like you SIL is jealous that you are homeschooling your children. So, instead of helping you she is hurting you. Is that fair? NO. Is that right? NO. But many people express their envy and jealous tendacies by not only rebelling themselves, but manipulating others to rebel. I don't know you (yet) or your relationship with your IL's, but have you ever had the chance to have you SIL shadow you during a normal/regular HS day for a few days? I understand that she works outside the home and is likely doing that during the bulk of your day, but she does have many days off through out the year as well. When inviting her to shadow you, I would point blank tell her - I know what we do may seem eccentric to you, but this is what is working in our household. We are not asking you to agree with it, we are not even asking you to accept it, we are asking you to NOT discuss her negative opinions regarding YOUR parenting choices with YOUR children. Offer the opportunity to shadow her during a day at work and ask her questions about why she feels that this is better for YOUR children. Maybe she may have some decent true and real input that could help. Maybe she won't; however during this time, you after 4 years of HS'ing can offer some insight that could help make her days better as well. She would not (or should not) ever discuss any negative feelings she has about her students and their parents decisions... she should discuss that directly with their parents. Why should this be any different. I wish you much luck. It is certainly harder to defend yourself against negative opinions within your own families than it is from friends and strangers.
I took my 13 year old out of public school before she "fit in" any better than she already was with the kids with the boyfriends and make up and free run of the local theater and skating rink. I took my 8 year old out before she "fit in" with the teasing and name calling and the constant comparing to see who has what and wears which name brands. I don't want my girls "fitting in" there. They wear nice decent outfits and look fine. I let them play with make up kits from WalMart. I even let the 13 year old wear a little to a fancy school dance last year but only a little to cover a few freckles she doesn't like. I see no harm in that. I don't see any reason for girls their age to be wearing make up all the time. I don't like for my girls to look older than they are. It can only lead to trouble in my opinion. I would resent anyone, relative or not, telling my girls they needed improvement without talking to me first. I would hate to cause a problem in the family but my kids are MY kids. My kids love my sister and she loves them but she would never cross the line from loving favorite aunt, to my position as supreme decision making Mama. I hope you can resolve this in a way that won't hurt anyone's feelings and won't damage your kids relationship with their aunt but I do think it needs to be brought out in the open and calmly discussed. Your sister in law needs to respect your family rules and not suggest anything to your girls without asking you first. Maybe the two of you could sit down and talk it out. I bet she really loves the girls a lot and just got carried away. My 13 year old complains to my sister sometimes about being out of public school but thankfully my sister is 100% in favor of my decision to homeschool. I just am glad she feels she can go and talk to my sister because I know she needs to vent sometimes to someone other than me. I will be praying for you to be able to work this out soon in a way that won't cause family problems for you all. Beth
Melanee I can so feel for you! two years ago at a Family Camp out I felt the same pull! My ds was then just barely 14 and his aunt ( also a school teacher in public school system) was encoruaging him that he needed to go out to school to really experience life. That he needed a girl friend and all that social stuff they do in highschool to be 'normal'... I sat there listening to him be poured into with lies, and thoughts my son does not need untill I could not hande it anymore. I Informed my favorite SIL ( one who is an image consultant and very much a Christian so it wasnt fair to vent on her) that there was NO reason a 14 yr old would need to go out on a date ane be alone with the opposite sex! I stormed away from the site and nearly ran into my husband as he walked up. He had no clue that anyone was totally destroying all the hard work I had done all those years of homeschooling him. I had a long talk with the Lord, while 'walking to the restroom' and told him I felt useless when they damage what work I had done. They did not know that I had before that been praying about him going out to a Christian School prior for Highschool because this was the child who fought learning to the extent he had worn me out to a frazel on more times than not... but I felt like I had been underminded and treated like dirt. I shared that with my husband who went and listened to them, then said he didnt hear anything liek what I was saying... of course not when he was around.... but later thatq summer my husband informed me he had had a talk with his parents and they had offered to pay half his tuition for a school. Because of that we looked at the local schools and felt that we found a good one. Ihave sence learned that all schools have problems and we have to make do with encouragement at home, though this child fights even that because he has now been taught that homeschooling limited him! okay I am venting for sure good title for this forum! MY kids all thought that home schooling was good up untill other peopel told them differnt.... one of the things I was keeping from them in not sending them to ps was peer pressure.. ds ( now 15 and in second year at Private School..) is finding that peer pressure is in Christian schools too! In fact its pressure between schools, he wants to change schools because he has a friend who goes to another one, that is better than the one we are sending him to... I think its because she is the girl he likes right now! He is nto allowed to have a girl friend yet. But he is alowed to like a girl and do family stuff and group things never alone with girls. ANyway...... The family totally has supported us in the past, up to this one thing and I think if they knew how much it was on me that they chose for me... well they would nto have done it in the first place. As you can see I still have issues to pray about too! And I thank you for showing me this in letting me vent too! My dd12 now wants to go out to school at some point... soem days, and not to ever go out on other days but thsoe re her lazy days too! Lol Ds9 wants to stay with mom forever still but would like to go out to school for a year sometime so he can play with friends at recess and lunch! lol, what fun! I am not as upset as I was back then, I have realised that going out was good and bad for my son, and a lot of what he went thrugh he woudl have anyway. His boldness and his will to reach out to others came out of his going to this church school, he has now attened 4 youth groups from different churches three regularly and one for fun trips.... his teachers are youth leaders this year for the fun one! He has come home from one youth camp ( he went to tow last summer with dif youth groups) and said he decided he wants to be a youth leader when he comes back to church after college... whatever that meant I am not sure heheh... but he also wants to do computer something. The rest of the family has provided books and extra workbooks and other fun supplies for homeschooling through out the years so it was devastating for me that camp site time, but I know that in the all and all they support the great job and yes I said great! that I am doing with my kids! they are excelling and know a lot more than kids thier age in public schools do at thier ages! God is awesome!
I just hate it when family says stupid things. I certainly hope your husband will lay down the law on this crude behavior. I had many of dh's family tell me at Christmas that my kids would be better off in school. In fact one of his cousins said she knows two homeschooled girls and they are "too smart for their own good" and "stupid when it comes to common sense". What she means is getto street smarts, excuse my lang. UGH! Oh well, good thing it is God who makes my decisions and not those people. Oh sorry, now I am venting. lol. Don't want to take over! Just don't expose your children to such foolishness...that or use this woman as an object lesson on how you don't want them to turn out and why they don't go to school. That shouldn't be too hard.
I would be so pissed! My son is 12 and one thing I talk with my mom alot about it the things he will miss out on. Like someone wanting him to smoke, drink or have sex. At 12 I'm glad he is home with me. Kids are moving way to fast these days. There will be time for girls, but right now is not the time. I think you all need to have a talk. It would be hard to do and stay cool. But your their parents and what you say goes. Good Luck!!
I have to agree with Jackie. She crossed a major boundry. This could cause some serious problems for you down the line. If your child shared that her aunt loved the makeup, then your sisters influence has struck a cord with your child and has influenced her. I would keep them away from her so she can see that you are not kidding. Our children are ours to raise, anything that comes between your authority as a parent and your children needs to be quickly removed, at least temporarly (sp?) until your sister knows that you mean business. My aunt used to send us home, after spending three weeks with her for vacation, with makeup and cloths we where not allowed to wear. She would tell me that I needed to tell my mom to show me how to be a lady because at 11 years old I wasn't putting lotion on my legs or makeup on. This would happen even when she came to visit. She would ask if I kissed any boys and if I liked living at home. Anyways, after picking me up my dad and mom turned around and went back to my aunts house and made it clear that this was the last time I was staying for vacation. I was their daughter and they would not tolerate anybody manipulating my mind or doing anything that would cause problems between us. My aunt cried but she got over it and after a few months there was peace again, except we where not allowed to stay there anymore over vacation. Patty
This isn't very christian but..... I'd rip her a new one!!! Seriously how ballsy of her to do something like that. I could deal with my kid coming home from the Aunt's house with makeup on and her hair done up - I'd chalk it up to the fact that the Aunt doesn't have kids of her own so she wants to play "mommy" with mine for a bit. However, all that crap she feed them about them having to change everything about themselves to fit in and have boyfriends at ps is beyond insulting to your family as a whole but specifically your children. Are they not beautiful the way they are? Does she not love them the way they are. I think its great she thinks they won't fit in - probably means they are great kids. I would let her have it with both barrels and she wouldn't interact with my kids again until I get an appology. You and your hubby don't have to be nice about it either. How dare she!!
Wow...I don't even know what to say. I think it really stinks that a family member would do that. I would definitely have a talk with her. You don't have to be rude to her, but just explain why what she did was undermining everything you and your dh are trying to instill in your kids. I really don't know what to tell you other than stick to your guns. And I am sorry you have to deal with this! Keep us posted!
Oh-my-goodness!! You know why it's so easy for others to push their advice, etc.? They won't have to deal with the consequences! Even if they think they are well-meaning. Offending someone like this (including drastic measures like total avoidance) is a small price to pay in order to shield your children from unwanted influence. And no, you aren't being "overprotective"! Remember your priorities (your children), keep a clear vision of what you want for them and why you do what you do, and hold fast.
I agree with what the other ladies are saying: These are YOUR children, their lives and what happens to them are your top priority, and this kind of behaviour cannot be tolerated for your kids sakes!!! Being shy about confronting them is just hurting your children and your family unity! God made you a family and you need to protect that special bond! PLEASE talk to them about it, and DON'T allow your children over there again! Isn't it worth talking to them to protect your children and your family? Really, this is very serious if it is undermining the work you have done! Find some good books that talk about waiting for the boyfriend girlfriend thing until they are ready to choose a mate! There's no reason that they need to be thinking about that now! With God's help, pull your family back together, doing what's best for THEM not the in-laws!
Hey, Patty~ I must not be much of a lady either, then because at 41 I don't put lotion on my legs ever! Lol! Plus I only wear makeup on Sunday...
Becky, you are more of a "lady" than me, then! I don't even wear it to church. AND I try to wear thin socks with my skirts instead of hose whenever I can get away with it!
ROFL ROFL ROFL.... socks, yes socks.....pantyhose Jackie, who likes those things anymore? DH is always asking me why am I wearing such long skirts to church?....
I would write a nice polite note with as light hearted a tone as possible and let her know what you feel about what she did. Let her know that your children are now questioning their beauty etc. Let her know that you appreciate that she want to have an influence on your daughters and that you would like for her to be a part of their development etc, but you would like it to be on the time table that your parenting style permits. etc etc. Write it in such a way that it could be from you and your husband toether and ask him if he will sign it with you.
