I simply cannot understand myself! My beloved husband had some business with a relative in a distant city, who invited us to spend a night with him and his wife. After greetings, the wife went into the kitchen, and my husband went back out to get our suitcases. The man came toward me & said, "It's so good to see you again!" Why didn't I back away? He embraced me & ran his hands down my back (on the outside of my clothes). It didn't feel like a greeting-type hug, iykwim. I was shocked, but I felt powerless. Frozen. "This can't be happening!" my mind told me. My reactions weren't normal. I should have stopped smiling, shoved him off, kicked, screamed, or something. It was so crazy! Where did my strength or power go? What happened to my thinking? I was very relieved that my husband returned quickly with the suitcases! I'm a grown, married woman, and this was minor, I know, but I felt so violated! Later, when I told my husband, he thought maybe I was jumping to conclusions and that the man was just a hugging-type person. Maybe so. I don't want to be an alarmist, and I don't plan to incriminate him in any way; but even so, if I felt uncomfortable, why couldn't I do or say something? This experience makes me feel sympathetic to girls who are sexually abused--that is, if this type of paralysis is common. You just feel powerless! Then I was so angry at myself for not being able to do or say anything! Can anyone identify with these feelings? Can anyone explain what may have happened to my mind?
Maybe you weren't sure if you had misinterpreted the greeting and didn't want to cause trouble without being certain of what really happened?
Actually, it sounds like your experience is pretty common amoung those in the same possition. You freeze because the synopisis in your brain begin to fire at an alarming rate and you question what you are seeing. It is also fear. (Think: Deer in headlights) Now imagine you are not sure if you can actually holler at adults, you are not sure if you did something BAD, and you are not sure if you will get into trouble. That pretty much nails what it is like to be a child and have the same thing happen..... Sorry this happened to you. Personally, I would be pissed. I would pull him aside and make it clear that this was inappropriate. Don't believe the line about it being a mistake, bullcrap. And if it happens again, you will inform the entire household immediately and then leave. TRUST me.... If he did it to you, he's done it to others and they will ALL know you are telling the truth.... Oh, and this had NOTHING to do with you, your actions, or what you said or were wearing. Nothing..... You were in the wrong place at the wrong time with a ticking time-bomb of a jerk who would have done it to anyone he had the opportunity to do it to.. I hate jerks. Don't let this control you. Ok? Otherwise, he wins. The truth is, he is a looooser who has to corner someone to even flirt with them, and then he has to force them to like him. Man.. must suck to be him! << Say that to him, next time.... It is sooooo impowering to be mean to guys like that. I just treat them the way butt-heads treat women, with disgust and laughter.
You must be a fine one to be with Anyway, you probably won't be seeing him again for a long time and this seems to have been an isolated incident. If it were to happen again my advice is tell him you're not comfortable with it. As for the scared paralysis hopefully since you've already experienced this situation, heaven forbid something like this occer again, it won't have the same effect, at least not in the same severity.
Prairie, how familiar are you with this man? Could this just be his way? How did he behave during the rest of your visit? What did he do when your husband came back in with the suitcases? If he wasn't quick to let go of you and he acted right the rest of the time, maybe he really didn't mean anything. I'm sorry it upset you so much.
Jen, the "deer in the headlights" perfectly describes what I experienced! Thank you for wrapping words around the feeling! I hesitated sharing this, because it was so hard to explain and I felt so confused. Your explanation really helps me! Yes, Becky, we've known the family for years and years, and the man doesn't have a need for much space between people when he visits. That's why I didn't want to misinterpret. But the fact that our initial greetings were over and he waited until we were alone alerted me. He would not have hugged me and followed my form like he did if other people had been in the room, I don't believe. Funny thing is, he covered up so cleverly and acted like nothing was wrong after that, it made me doubt my "gut instinct." I appreciate you all helping me think this through. I just don't want it to happen again.
Wow...I am sorry you had to experience that. I know how shocking it is to have that happen. I have experienced a similiar situation...but taken a step further. It was with a man who frequented my place of work. He had several friends that worked there and I considered him to be a nice, fun guy....oh....did I mention he was a police officer!? He was in an office and he called me in to "ask me a question". I thought nothing of it as it was common for that to happen. When I went in he stood with his arms open and came toward me. I thought, "what in the world???" But...I just sttod there. He gave me a big hug...as his hand headed toward my shirt!!! I pushed him away and immediately left the room. I was pretty young and didn't have aproblem going straight to my boss....but she is the one who was good friends with him, so she dismissed it. I let it go and made sure to stay clear of him. Anyway, you need to trust your instincts. You have know him long enough to know what is "normal" for him. I do have a friend who is a very "touchy" kind of person...but not in a bad way. People who don't know he and his wife very well could misinterpret that...but because I know them so well, I know that is just his nature (and his wifes)! Thankfully, as you said, they live in a distant city, so you do not have to be faced with this again. I would definitely not be making plans to visit with them again. At least not overnight or privately. Hugs to you, Prairie...I will be praying that God will give you his peace and comfort to get passed this.
Ahhhh..I see. In my mind, this does seem to make it much different than just someone who is "huggy" by nature. :| BUT...as Jen said, do not blame yourself for not reacting then as you now wish you coulda, woulda, shoulda! I have the "deer-in-the-headlights" syndrome quite often, but in many different kinds of situations. I can't count the # of times I've heard my husband say, "Well Honey, why didn't you say or do that when it happened?" when I've confided in him times when people have really taken me by surprise with their actions. I think I fail to react as I later realize I wish I would have because I naively expect everyone else to be on the up-and-up and as fair and kind as I am. When someone pulls a real nasty, I guess I'm just in such shock someone could be that way, AND since I like to think I look for the best to come out in people and don't anticipate nor prepare for anything otherwise, that I find myself w/o retort. But this seems to usually apply only to myself. FORTUNATELY, when it comes to my dd8, I have NO troubles what-so-ever speaking up if the need arises. Have you again shared your continued concerns w/ your dh? If he still doesn't seem to understand supportively, IMO I would just avoid this person in the future, if possible.
Maybe I shouldn't reply to this... too close to home in so many ways, but here I go (and I don't mean any offense). What ever the motives were behind the hug and other gestures, they made you uncomfortable and so (as far as I am concerned anyway) it was wrong. That doesn't make you a bad person for not being able to tell the person to back off or something else. The deer in the headlights comparison is probably a good way of describing it. Without going into all the details again, I went through this for 6 months last year and lived through pure agony because of it (and I still do)... ask anyone who's been here for any period of time - they got me through some of the worst days of my life. IF you are confronted with something like this in the future (God willing you won't be), step back and tell who ever to back off that their way of expressing themselves in unappreciated and unwanted then tell another adult. Hang in there... you're NOT a bad person for feeling this way. May God's peace cover you as you get through this.
I am sorry this happened to you. I think our first reaction is one of doubt and denial..so it can be hard to react. I am sure this was the last thing you expected. When things happen that we do not expect...we tend to not know how to react. We never want to think this is actually happening to us...or that this person is actually capable of this...etc...etc. Honestly, I think I would have reacted the same way. It is hard when you know someone. If this was some guy off the street your reaction may have been different. However, the fact that you know this guy does seem to make things even worse and your reactions harder to gage. We never want to accuse anyone of such a thing or cause an embarressing situation. Don't feel bad about not kicking the guy in the shins. Now, you know to stay away from him...or at least not be alone with him. If this is unusual behavior for him, possibly there is something going on in his life. He is the one with a problem, not you. I am sure if you did react, it would have been made out that you overreacted. So, now you know how he is and I am sure he could tell you were uncomfortable. You may think you didn't show your discomfort but I am sure you did. He knew he took you by surprise. I once had my best friend's husband call me and tell me that he was attracted to me. So, I know who it feels to have someone you have known for years do something totally out of left field.
We had some area homeschool activities yesterday; so I apologise for not getting back in a more timely manner to thank everyone for your insights. You've been so helpful! AppleOmyeye, you brought up the similarity between this and being unable to respond to verbal assaults. I, too, have questioned why I tend to just "take it" when someone speaks in an over-powering way against something I hold dear or scoffs or gives my children something in my presence which they know we disapprove of. Jen's comments that a child is afraid of hollering at an adult or thinking they, themselves, actually did something bad that brought this on or wondering what trouble they might get into were helpful in understanding how feelings and thoughts can "jam up" the communication process and inhibit a truthful reaction. To the other comments about being alone again with this man--right! My beloved husband has assured me that he'll not expose me to that situation again. Now I'm wondering how to prepare myself to avoid the shut-down in the future--in the face of either physical or verbal indiscretions. I don't want to get to the point where I automatically react harshly. I just want to be able to think clearly and act wisely. Maybe I'll ask my family to do some role-playing with me. On the other side of this picture is the fact that I hold some strong opinions and have been the person to "shut down" other people, myself. So, I'm approaching this topic with some humility. "Oh! May the words I speak today be tender and sweet; for tomorrow I may have to EAT THEM!"
The role playing idea is great! In fact, I heard once by a guy who teaches about self defense...he said to role play and imagine what you would do if in a particular sitaution. That it does help prepare you if anything ever does happen to you.
Prairie Home... speaking from personal experience, it isn't easy to prepare yourself for something of that magnitude should it happen again. Knowing what to do and actually doing it aren't as easy said as done. When I was fired last year for standing out against the sexual harassment I endured for months, I went to another job (my current one). Some "friends" of my husband (actually co-workers) who knew what I had been through, would make some crude remarks to me that would upset me just as much as the actual incidents that took place (this is who this person is - just dumb and rude in that way - not thinking about what he's saying - a flirt). I spoke to my husband about it and he along with me, put an end to that happening. When I was transferred to the store where I am now, the guy I worked with on nights... oh my soul and body... I almost quit because he too was doing to me what the harasser had done to me at my previous job - but in a different way (he's an ex carny - had been with LOTS of women and was just a pig - sorry for the choice of words). I went toe to toe with him several times when I finally said enough was enough and went to management. They wanted in writing what was taking place.... been there done that - I lost my job before so I was scared to death to put it in writing again. When I finally did, he was fired (there was more to it than what he was doing and saying to me, but I knew way too much of what was going on because I worked with him all the time - drug trafficking involved at work). To this day, there are customers who come through and make some crude comments... there are some that I will not serve, no way no how. I can't and I won't put myself through it again. Because of what I have been through, it's taking me far longer to work through that part of my life and I'm not sure that I ever can. Role playing may be the best defense way to teach yourself to be assertive to the behaviours that are totally unacceptable. I am so sorry that you were subjected to this...
Oh, Brenda, my situation must look minor to you! I don't want to give the impression that it was all that traumatic. It's just that I didn't understand my own reaction--or rather-- lack of reaction. Also, this hasn't been mentioned, and I 'm not sure I can explain what I'm thinking, but our souls are so vulnerable. I mean, we can sometimes "pick up" on what another person is thinking or meaning and can be intimidated just by their presence. Sometimes I know there's no need for me to say anything in a situation, because the other personalities are so forceful. Or maybe sometimes I can tell that the other person's mind is already made up and closed and there's no use trying to even present my side at all. This is a little bit off the subject, but it relates, because it seemed like my "will" or my "soul" was over-powered by a stronger will. Does that make sense? If it doesn't, and if no one can relate, that's OK!
Prairie, those are interesting thoughts. I think that the Lord gives us discernment to know when to speak and when to flee. However, the thought that your will was over-powered by another...is a very interesting way of looking at it. I guess that makes sense....when we feel frozen but we don't know why...I guess that is why.
Sweety, if it was traumatic to you, then it was traumatic to you, regardless of how minor it may seem. It effected you in some way and it is worth recognition.:love: Now, with that said, I understand what you are saying. Something to remember, a person's will can over power our physical will, especially when they are bigger and stronger then us. But as Christians, or spiritual will should be God's "will". Nothing can over power this, even if our physical will is violated in any way, large or small. It is correct that it is easier to say it then do it, but regardless, God's word is the authority and His Word declares this. Our souls are impowered by the Holy Spirit, regardless of what physically happens to us. My pastor's wife was gang rapped by numerous of men. For some people this is minor compared to what others have gone through and for some it is tragic compared to what others have gone through. She is so awesome. You know what she did, she prayed for these men. She also shares that these men may have taken her body and violated it, but they couldn't take what mattered most. People ask how she deals with it so well, and she says it is because she will not give them this much power over her life, simply because the power belongs to God. So, I do not know the motives behind what this man did. Although, I do know that whatever his intentions, he did unto the Lord as well. I pray all is well with you and if you feel he was violating you in any way, then you stick to your guns and not be left alone with him or not even see him anymore. God doesn't expect us to keep sitting on the railroad tracks when know we are going to be runned over. Not for something that is of no consequence to His kingdom. People may not agree and this is okay. This is just my take on it. Could it be a possibility that you didn't react because as it was said in earlier posts, you didn't want to over react because he is a friend and it caught you off guard. If it was a stranger in the streets that came up to you and just wrapped his arms around you and rubbed your back, then I am positive you would have kicked him in the chins and made a public display of it, and you should. I think you are alright! I think you had a normal reaction. I probably would have reacted the same way if a friend of mine did this to me. Patty
Patty, you always know what to say and say it so well! You are a joy to know. I love reading your posts. I always think..."yea...what she said..that is what I mean." lol.
I think praying for this man would be where God would want you to start. God can change him for sure. I am so sorry this happened and I understand your feelings. It would startle many of us here. Gets you off guard. Love to you, Lorna
