AGH! SCREAM! SHOUT!!! And DH’s family wonders why we don’t want anything to do with his brother. I have not seen them in over 2 years. DH and the boys saw BIL back in January for the first time in 2 years. We had a major falling out 2 years ago when we had to eventually let BIL go due to basically laziness for incomplete work assignments. Which he convinced MIL that *I* set him up. Anyway while DH and I attempted to talk to him he started yelling that he quits. We went to DH’s Grandfather’s memorial this past weekend. He passed almost 3 weeks ago, however because most live at least 1000 miles away, it was planned for this past weekend. First, MIL called and asked DH to reserve a room for one night for his brother. Why his 30 year old brother could not secure his own reservation is beyond me. MIL paid for the entire hotel room for the whole weekend for them as well. Second, MIL called me and asked me to cover BILs expenses for the weekend and she will reimburse me. Hello, the guy is 30 and he and his wife both have Management retail” Jobs ***Get to that later*** Third, we arrived early in the day and hung out with all the other family (Had a nice time in that respect), however MIL spent the entire day saying… This is my son and his wife, but “MY OTHER SON” said in complete reverence will be here late tonight with my “Grand-daughter” said as if my BIL and his wife should be canonized for producing a little girl. Meanwhile talking about how long it had been since she had last seen them. Apparently after they totaled it out (the live in Iowa, she lives 40 miles East of here) she has drive out there 5 times Since January. She has been HERE 2 times since January. Once for the kids b-day and the second time was when DH’s grandfather passed and they rode up to DH’s grandmothers house for the weekend. She was barely here for 10 minutes and the boys were not home at that time. So she has seen the boys 1 time before this since January and we only live 40 miles away from them! Fourth, She hung off BIL and SIL’s arms all weekend showing them off and bragging about their wonderful management retail jobs (In which they still needed MIL and presumably me to cover their expenses). They work at WAL-MART. While I have nothing wrong with Wal-mart and those who work there, give me a dang break over how well they are doing when they can not pay for their own expenses! Barely said Boo to my boys. Fifth, their little boy is meaner than all get out. He is a rude and spoiled child. God forbid every one does not cow-tow to this 5 ½ year olds every whim. If you don’t the child will hit you. It was expected of my boys who are 7 and 8 to bend over backward to make sure their cousin whom they have seen ONE time in the last 2 years to be happy! It was expected of them apparently because their cousin is an immature 5 year old. COME OFF IT! I have seen 2 year olds better behaved than this child! They had NO control over this child and they expected everyone else to give into the kids whims. Sixth, Sunday morning before most of the family started out on their way home, we all went to breakfast at a local diner. We had a large table and a few booths. BIL and SIL came in with MIL and FIL and a few others that were with DH’s grandmother. No biggie. MIL, instead of sitting next to FIL sat with BIL and SIL over in a booth. Anytime anyone passed she had to introduce her gorgeous granddaughter and her SON who is in retail managements (By the way he is an assistant manager in Automotive at the Wal-mart). She completely ignored the rest of us. While we were there, I hear FIL say to the server that I am cover their bills and he pointed to MIL (Expected), BIL and DH’s grandmother (once again expected) and completely ignored us. Not that I was expected to cover our breakfast (Or anything else for that matter), it would have just been nice to have been included. Seventh, when BIL finally left after breakfast… All we heard from that time on was how wonderful they are and that they had sadly left after breakfast. Meanwhile she behaved as if I was now her best friend. I basically stayed away from them. I know it seems that I am jealous. It is more that I am tired of it all and I am angry at the unfairness she shows DH and the boys. BIL and his wife are complete screw ups and they apparently and reverently can do no wrong in DH’s parents’ eyes. DH as been in the military, he has gone to college, we have our own Quality Engineering company and we are financially independent of any parental support and have been for a long time. Every bit of parental financial support we had received when we needed it has been paid back many years ago, than shortly after MIL informed us that she has wiped the slate clean for BIL and SIL (Who at that point had not worked more than a total of inconsecutive weeks in a 3 year period and were known for milking public aid), however because we were doing well, we were INVOICED with a final total over every bit of help that MIL had give to DH since he turned 18 – which we paid it ALL. Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent. I feel terrible for the boys and DH who all see this as well and it hurts them to feel so unwantedby DH’s mother.
Sorry you had to deal with crap like that. I have problem family members and so does my husband. We try to stay as far away from them as possible but sometimes it can't be helped. My mother always wonders why we don't want to come to family celebrations. It is frustrating. You don't sound jelous to me at all. You sound like you've just had enough and I don't blame you at all.
Vent away. It is very frustrating to see a parent favor (for who even knows what reason!!) one child over another. Especially a responsible one over one not quite as responsible. I hear ya!
I agree you don't sound jealous at all more like fed up of being made to feel second best,i had family like that but when things went bad it was always i they came to.
It's been two years, huh? Well, maybe it hasn't been LONG ENOUGH :roll: . No, not jelouse. Simply tired. Thankfully you don't have to deal with them every day! Be GLAD they're forty miles away!
Thanks. About a month ago there was a thread that was started on forgiveness. MIL wanted me to attempt again to work things out with BIL's wife. Throughout the 7 years they have been together they have pulled some major whoppers on us, and proceeded to run to MIL twisting the situation to put us in the bad light. MIL called me to crying that her only wish in life was for her boys to get along. Somehow, in all of this, it is on ME to make certain they get along. I told her that I am afraid to work things out with them. I have attempted many times in the last 7 years to let bygones be bygones, than they would pull something else that would light that match and that pile of hay is balzing again. Kind of like, Fool me once... Fool me twice. I have been fooled more than twice and I am tired of it. If I mention it to MIL it only seems to strengthen their plight that I am the one to blame for all DH's and BIL's issues. Heck - Even at Christmas they sent us a card... addressed to MR. <DH's name only> Written by SIL and signed love their entire family. Did not mention the boys or me. DH brought it up to MIL and MIL said that SIL address all her Christmas cards to the Male head of household. Anyway there goes that Hay pile... Sorry.
But it seems to me that your MIL is just as much as problem as your BIL. You can forgive your BIL, but that doesn't mean that you have to put yourself out to visit or spend time with the family!
I hesitated to post a response to this because of the oh-my-goodness-the-horror in-laws issues I have myself. I will say this, however, that after going to Christian counseling and reading a book my counselor recommended called Bold Love I have learned that forgiveness is not about anyone other than yourself. You do it to free yourself from anger and resentment, not as some warm, fuzzy get-out-of jail-free card for the other person. God gave us common sense. A woman who is raped can forgive her rapist, but there's no way she should be expected to hang out with him afterward. Your BIL and SIL can be forgiven, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to be part of a relationship that is toxic to you. Forgiveness puts the ball in their court; they need to change. And if no one ever holds them accountable for their behaviors, then why should they? It's not love that would allow someone to continue to behave in a way that is negative. I personally have had zero contact with my in-laws for four years now. They have 2 opportunities per year to see our kids--- they must come to our house and the visit can only be for a couple of hours. This was because the final straw that broke this camel's back came when they sent a 2 page hate letter to me after one of my sons died. I have not looked back on my decision. I am confident that it has been the healthiest choice I've ever made. My marriage has been better and stronger for the lack of them in it, and I know their self-absorption will not be able to impact my kids with the limits on their visits. I'm curious after reading your post, though. What does your DH do to handle this situation with your in-laws? It really should be he who lays down the law with his mom and anyone else who needs it. Shelley
Wow! Sounds like your mil needs to cut the apron strings. My mom is the same why with my brother. He is 36! I can give you story after story of how she has done his laundry, paid a bill, bought him clothes, cleaned his house all while he cusses her out for doing it. Yea...well...another story. I would be tired of all that also. Vent away! Sorry for all the troubles!
I meant to write yesterday. Jackie – You are 100% correct. MIL completely Enables all this with them and their behavior. Anyway, Ava Rose - MIL does or at least did exactly that. She didn’t clean their house, but they used to drop laundry off at their house for her to do. Shelly – That is a great analogy. DH is just as tired of it. When BIL’s wife had given birth to a little girl last year, you swore by the way that MIL behaved (she Jewish) that the Messiah had returned. All we heard was DGD this and DGD that to the point where my kids asked if MIL did not like them because they are boys. This was worsen when MIL never called the boys for their birthdays after her DGD was born. DH has stepped in several times, however MIL says we were either Jealous because we don’t have a girl OR we are misunderstanding her attentions. Since SIL had her daughter MIL has treated her as reverently as we refer to Mother Mary. Since she has formed this new bond with SIL, she is under the impression that *I* am the one who has instigated each and every one of the issues we have had over the years and not one other person between the 4 of us has had a hand in it. I can hear her now, if it weren’t for Jennifer, my boys would still be best friends. Her boys were NEVER best friends. With the 4 year age span, they rarely had much in common growing up. When DH turned 18 he went into the military, onto college and into the workforce. BIL finished highschool and job hopped between different menial positions before finally settling down at Wal-mart at 28 yrs old 2 years ago (At least he settled down). They never really had anything in common, aside from being siblings. As they became adults those bonds were always very thin because BIL has a habit of saying whatever he needs to in order to put himself in the best light of the moment. Rarely putting himself in the best light of the whole and complete picture, if that makes sense. Basically what I am saying, is he will do or say whatever it is to keep person A happy with him when he is with person A, and when he is with person B he will do the same thing, even if it contradicts what he said or did with person A – Typically making person A out to be the bad person in person B’s eyes, and Vice Versa. That is horrible what your in-laws did. Where in the world do they get off! I will look for that book. Thank you. Thank you every, it has really helped me to get it off my chest. I know DH is so frustrated with it, with his parents, with his brother and with me. I told him yesterday that I just want to be able to fix it enough that we can be cordial without all the silly cattiness. I don’t want to be friends. I have tried that. I am just tired of the massive tug of war games that seem to be played
I can so understand your frustrations. I will say this, though, that you all must get comfortable saying 'no.' When your MIL wanted y'all to pay your BIL's way, the answer should've come from your DH loud and clear: NO. Your MIL is passive-aggressive in her behaviors. She doesn't come right and say stuff, but it's obvious from what she's doing what she really thinks. I hate that. I wish y'all the best in this. The book I recommended really was quite good. It put difficult-to-deal-with people into various categories and gave really practical advice on how to deal with them. It's from a Christian worldview, but if you just go to the main chapters on the categories of people, you'll find that the information is useful and relevant regardless of religious (or lack thereof) beliefs. Oh, and the author's last name is Allender--- I think there are two books out there under the same title.
I have no advice but am amazed that you have been able to be as nice about all this as you have. I would have never been able to be so calm. I can't imagine them asking you to pay for brother in law! Is he just a freeloader all the way through? I think you have been more than fair in all of this and really don't see how you have put up with it all. Beth
And this is exactly why the child is badly behaved. Sounds to me like your BIL learned his parenting skills from your MIL. He was spoiled (and is continuing to be so), and now he is spoiling his own. Personally, I would avoid being around them. It is neither reasonable or fair to force your children to treat their cousin as "his lordship", nor to ask you to treat BIL similarly. I guess the real question is what does your DH think about all this? You can avoid the in-laws, but only if he is in agreement. Otherwise, you are going to cause an enormous amount of stress in the marriage that you really don't want.
I go through the same thing, every day, every minute with my family, not in laws my side and it's gotten so bad since we moved back, I don't know how long I will be able to stay in this neck of the woods.
Laura, You are right. BIL was allowed to get away with almost everything growing up (according to DH) DH got into his share of trouble also, not saying he was perfect at all - BIL has several learning disabilities and due to that he and MIL tend to use them as not just a crutch, but a fully powered wheelchair. Back before Christmas, MIL called me and asked why we had not returned BIL's calls. What calls? I inquired. Apparently BIL told her that he had called here and had left at least 5 messages on our voice mail within the last week and we have not replied. I told her that there were no calls from BIL. However, since BIL told her so, it must be true. To the point where she suggested I call my phone company to complain that my Voice Mail system was not working. Now fast forward to January, MIL, FIL DH and Boys drive to IA to visit (first time DH and boys had seen BIL in 2 years - I stayed home with the dogs, because this was planned to be a 10 hour excursion). After the visit and how cordially the brothers got along, she called me crying begging me to work it out with SIL. That her one wish before she dies is to have her boys be friends again. I told her... don't know about that. Every time we try, they run to MIL with some story about us being rude to them. I brought up the phone calls before the holidays. Well, MIL said, you know BIL is learning disabled and when he gets into his head that he is going to do something he wants to do, sometimes it gets turned around in his head as he had done it already. Ok, this happens to many people, but NOT 5 times within a 1 week period. If it is that serious, he needs help. BIL is Dyslexic. He is 30 years old. I know many people who are Dyslexic who can thrive and succeed In life. Thankfully, they live 3 hours away. So, for the most part, we do avoid them. Like this weekend, there are going to be times in which we will have to associate with them and or their children. It is during those times in which I have to associate with them that I want it to be cordial. We avoid DH’s parents as often as possible. This is not hard either. DH is definitely onboard with us having limited contact with his family. Thank goodness. It also helps that we no longer live right around the corner from them (within 5 miles). Our relationship with his mother more so, started to strain the moment we became financially independent of them. She seems to thrive on having someone OWE her for the things in their lives. Since we paid back everything, she no longer has anything she needs to claim from us, she no longer has the right to say how or what we do with our lives. Before we paid her back everything, she was constantly calling, constantly putting her 2c into our matters, especially when it regarded finances. To give an exampled, one year Logan lost his glasses, we did not have the funds to buy some right than, and she gave us the money to do so. That weekend, we were driving around and looking at garage sales. We found a nice bedroom set (2 bed tables with drawers, 1 queen headboard and 1 9 drawer dresser in wonderful condition) that was going for $100. The seller accepted 4 checks at $25 that she cashed over the next 4 months. BIL told MIL that we spent the glasses money she left us on that. She called me up yelling at me about using that for ourselves. I had to explain to her the scenario than she called DH to have us prove to her that we did in fact buy the furniture on those terms as well as used HER money for Logan’s glasses. Now, DH does some bending over backward at times more so for his father because of the help they did provide us in the past
Kris, That is hard. At least with my in-laws I can keep my distance. That has to be hard when it is your own family.
Kris, I know it must be hard on you with your sister recovering from surgery and all. I hope things improve with your family. How come the people who we are closest to seem to be able to hurt us the most? I will be praying for you friend. Beth
