Aime's post about her inlaws got me thinking about my monster in law. There is a function coming up that dh and I are attending and I'm just curious about what you all think. First the back ground info. I have only met my MIL four times. I have been with dh for almost 9 years. We have always been going strong, never a break up get back together situation. This very first time I met her she was very cold to me. Not mean, just cold. I hadn't been dating dh long so I thought ok maybe she needs to get to know me. Plus the meeting was a quick 20 minutes tops. The next time was about 4 months later at dh's brother's birthday party at his home. Everyone was really nice to me, in fact I think his brother, sis in law and kids are really awesome. Everyone was nice except his mother. She went out of her way to be rude to me. We left early. Fast forward to Christmas of that year. Dh and I had been living together for 6 months. She invited us over to her house for Christmas Day along with his son and my daughter both from previous marriages and his brother's family. Oh yes and her boyfriend (read: flavor of the month, according to my dh). So we walk in and she introduces everyone but me to her boyfriend. She acts like she can't remember my name. Very obviously actst that way. Now keep in mind that her godchild that she dotes on has the same name as me - Tiffany. I boldy introduce myself to him and smile. She was a total witch the entire time to me. She actually asked dh when they were in the kitchen loud enough so everyone could hear if I was high. Yes high on drugs. I was sitting there in tears and dh's sis in law asks me to step outside with her to smoke (i used to smoke but no more). She said she thought I needed some air. Sweet of her to care. The last time around her she was drunk and paid me no attention. It was at the Houston Rodeo and she was three sheets to the wind. She bad mouthed me everytime dh was around her. Every single time. Dh asked her all the time what is it she didn't like. She at first said she didn't like me hair. Then she didn't like the way I dressed. It was something stupid and different everytime. When dd6 was born she had nothing nice to say about it and said she didn't want to see her since she was my child. Now keep in mind I have never ever done anything at all to her, never even been remotely rude to her. Now she doesn't want anything to do with her grandchild because I am her mother?? Dh said enough! It will be 7 years this January since they have spoken. We have been invited to his brother's home for things and never gone because she would be there. I could be nice and say nothing at all but we know her. She would do something rude, say something rude and it would ruin the evening. I never wanted to be the reason his brother had a scene made at his birthday party or one of his kids. So we never went. Okay so two weeks ago his sis in law called me. Dh's neice who is a lovely young lady is graduating from Stephen F Austin college with a Bachelor's degree. She is going to be a teacher. We are very proud of her. There is a party at the VFW Hall on Saturday night. Dh and I accepted the invitation. We want to go. We should be able to go without getting confronted by his mother. We accepted because it is a big function not being held at their home and not just with family. It is a big place and there will be lots of people. But she will be there. So many thing are going through my mind. I in no way want a confrontation and I certainly won't start one but I am seriously worried about her. She won't come face to face with me and cuss me out - at least I don't think she would but you never know I suppose. It would be more indirect rude and tacky comments made about me within my earshot. I just will not stand for that and I don't know what to do if it happens. I thought about smiling very sweetly at her and just being the bigger person. That will make her look like the fool she is. I just have so many things running around in my head. I am so looking forward to this and so is dh. I want to have a fun evening and celebrate with his neice. By the way - my father in law and his wife (dh's step mom) will be there. They are alcoholics but nice people. They love me and the kids. The sad thing is that dh told me before I met his mom the first time that I was just gonna love her. That she was so awesome. The best mom. Yet she was willing to give up any and all relationships with him, our daughter and even his son from his first marriage just to spite me. It makes me sad for my dh. How would you all handle a situation like this? Nothing at all may happen. She may keep her trap shut, unlikely but stranger things have happened. Dh already said if she ever gave us, especially me a sincere appology all would be forgiven. He just can't let someone disrespect me like that.
Tiffany, first I want to give you big ((((((HUGS)))))). sounds like you could use one. Second, there is nothing you are ever going to do to make her happy and if I were you I wouldn't worry about it, go have fun with dh and enjoy your self. She sounds like my mother in law when she was alive, very jealous of anyone who ever gave her son attention. So what if it meet never talking to his children, or him. I really think she thought if she didn't talk to his girls that he would come to her. I don't know never got it... I hope you and dh have a wonderful time, if I were you I would be the good one and go around smile have a good time and don't pay her no mind. If she comes up to you, if you can walk away with that pretty smile of yours before she even gets started.
I think the idea about going and enjoying yourselves, and just smiling and being the sweetest thing in the world is a great idea - and thus heap coals of fire upon her head. Let her look like the fool she's being. It's entirely possible (even probable) that her son thought she was the most wonderful mom in the world because she doted on him so, and it's equally likely that it has nothing to do with you yourself -- she would have hated you if you'd been Sophia Loren, Angelina Jolie, Martha Stewart and the Queen of Sheba all rolled into one! YOU took away her darling son - even if he had been married before, now he wasn't and she thought she had him all to herself forever... until YOU showed up! Maybe?
Wow, there are some real doozies out there, and you might have found their queen! I think you have the right idea of just smiling and walking on if she starts anything. No one is going to take her seriously. In fact, anyone who is on the listening end of her remarks would likely be embarrassed for her. Hang out close to your father-in-law and his wife; perhaps her ex-husband will act as a sort of repellent to her.
You weren't kidding when you said you could "feel my pain" lol WOW, can we just take our Monster's and put them in a closet together? lol Well, I can't give you any advice since I tend to "fight back", and well 7 years later...my MIL is still her usual crazy self. BUT, I did want to say a) I like that Dwayne stands by you. Dh is like that too. b) She sounds like a "jealous" mother....she doesn't like your hair? Seriously? How bout she DOES like your hair, and that's why she's being catty. c) I understand how you feel sad about the situation when dh thought the 2 of you would hit it off....but it's NOT your fault. You're YOU, and he obviously loves YOU, so I would only accept blame if you've done something to contribute, which you apparently haven't. You can take the high road, or not...either way, it probably won't matter. People like that have an agenda, and you're just a pawn in her game. I'd discuss it beforehand with dh and decide on your own plan of action if she does get out of line.
Stay sweet. Don't let her actions tempt you to come down to her level. You don't want to show that face to your children or your DH. I agree with everyone else, and the suggestion to stay close to your FIL is great. Ex spouses are great repellents of each other. May as well use that. Plus it's a bolster to your situation. Surround yourself with the people in you DH's family that care about you. It's just a shame you have missed out on important events in his family's lives because you are avoiding her.
Hmmm. You have given her too much power over you. I think I would ignore her jaded comments and compliment her dress or hair or ask her what she thinks about the decorations or the food or whatever each time with a smile. I would be able to do this without "acting" because I would see her as a soul-sick person who needs love or I would think of the child inside of her who seems to be scared, unloved, threatened...whatever. It seems that women in general tend to worry about social situations more than men and I can understand your apprehension about this event, but she really is only one person and not a road block...unless you allow her to be. No one can hurt you unless you have given them permission to do so in your heart. It is hard to practice, I know--boy, do I know!--but if you don't have any desire to please her or for her to find favor with you, you also would not really be concerned about what she thinks of you or even what she says to you. I had to do this with my own mother for years so I know personally it works. I also have had to "practice" this with one of my cousins and we were both at my aunt's 50th wedding anniversary together; it went well and she ended up going out of her way to avoid me, instead of me worrying and trying to avoid her all night. So, my thoughts are if you can, just let go of your expectations of her and your wishes to please her, and then just be yourself and have fun!
(((HUGS))) Hoping that it all goes well and she just leaves you alone. That would be best. Smile sweetly....respond in love, it WILL show her for the fool she is. No one is blind to that. Is he her oldest child? My MIL is very passive/agressive. She never outright says anything bad about me, but I can tell she does not like me. Not sure why....my husband says I'm crazy....but I know. You can tell these things. I think it has something to do with the whole oldest son business...(and she and his dad divorced and she always used him as a replacement, even though she remarried...weird). ANYWAY.....hoping it all goes well and that you enjoy the celebration with peace and joy that was intended.
YEP! Try not to be anywhere near her if possible. If it can't be avoided and she is rude, smile sweetly and walk away.
Thanks for the support and advice. It isn't that I want to please her because if she was just anyone else I wouldn't give a hoot about what she thinks. It is that I know it hurts my husband that his mother behaves this way and I do not want a confrontation because it will just hurt him more. Of course he would like to have a relationship with his mom but with the way she is he just can't. I am lucky that he puts me first. He is the youngest of two sons. His mom does everything for his brother. Loans him money, buys his kids cars when they turn 16 and yet she has nothing at all to do with us or Grace or dh's son from a previous marriage. However before he met me she used to take his son on trips all the time - did everything with him. I'm telling you all she is crazy. A few years ago we got invited to theirs sons bday party. I think he was turning 2. He is a year younger than Grace and his birth was an unexpected surprise. Anyway we weren't going to go because of her but Grace went along with my husband's step sister and her family. We were told later that his mother had no idea who she was. When they walked in with her (her own grandchild) she looked at grace and said "who is that kid?". My hubby's step mom said "that is your grandaughter, but I guess you wouldn't know that now would you". I am happy that we are going. I have a nice outfit chosen and I am getting my hair done in the morning. I was going to do that anyway before we head to Minnesota because my dark roots are showing bad. Dh and I are going to walk in with our heads held high, have a great time and totally ignore her. Pretend like she isn't even there. If she does make some crappy comment I will simply smile and say something sweetly sarcastic. And walk away. I certainly won't be the one looking like the fool. If she wants to show out who she really is in front of everyone so be it.
You are very lucky your dh stood behind you. Warning...don't allow her to get under your skin or your dhs. She may take this time to try to convince him that she is really the victim. I suggest staying right by your dh the entire time and keep your time limited and get out of there. Go to the bathroom before you leave and have him too. I know I sound over the top on this, but trust me, I have been there. She will look for an opening to get at him and undermine your relationship and make herself out to be misunderstood or a victim or otherwise. ((((hugs))))
I just hope things go pleasantly for you. Just be strong, for you know there will be words said against you. warn the kids the best you can what "could" happen. and if she says things, just remind her this day is not about her nor you but to whom the occasion belongs. I do not have in laws to contend to buts its already been established that my husband's mother would probably not have liked me, but his grandmother would.??
Oh I'm certainly not worried about her trying to get at him while I'm in the bathroom or something like that. She couldn't sway him back when we were just dating, now that we have two kids and almost 7 years of a solid marriage there is no way he would stand for it. He would probably tell her off if she tried something like that. Gotta love me dh for standing by me! Thankfully we have decided the kids are not coming. They are staying home. There is no way I'm going to put them in that situation. Dh and I get to kind of have a date night and the kids get a pizza and movie night at home.
