I have come to the conclusion that as parents, sometimes we have better investigative and research skills than all the law enforcement agencies in the world do (I'm not putting down the fantastic work they do - they're awesome). I can't possibly be the only parent out there who "snoops" in on our children's Facebook accounts. In our home, when the boys asked to open an account, it was conditional of us having their passwords and they knew we would occasionally peek in on the happenings on their pages. They knew this and they were all in agreement. If they changed their passwords, I changed the router password leaving them without internet access. It wasn't much of an issue with our oldest son, very rare was there an issue with our middle son (I did go in a couple times in recent months and blocked people who were mutually causing trouble for him - but he knew I was doing it). My youngest son.... Oh Father in Heaven!! Noah's "girl friend" lives an hour away from us (I've never been so thankful for something in my lifetime)! Our fair is this week and he had asked me last week if she could come up for a couple days. We hummed and hawed about it and decided it would be ok to have her here for 2 nights - sleeping in the spare room off my bedroom IF her parents were in agreement. She has been asking for days to come up - her parents have never given her an answer, because they don't know my husband and I and also afraid that they would end up in the same room together (not if I had anything to do with it). Last night it became a "can you go pick her up?" Umm, no! The van still isn't fixed and that was never part of the plan. My husband and I were getting red flags about this girl when she was texting my husband wondering the whereabouts of our youngest son (right after he had been speaking to her on Facebook), VERY clingy, jealous of his local friendships etc. It seems she needs to know his whereabouts 24/7 and anything less she's harassing my husband or I. Last night (and for several days) she had been messaging me begging me to call her parents and say she could come up, etc. Tell them I won't be sleeping in the same room etc. I picked up my phone this morning to see a message from her saying my youngest son suggested she could come live with us when we got moved..... excuse me??? This is news to me! So inspector mom went into his account to read the conversation and see where that ever came from. All I can say is OH MY EYES!!! I saw more with my own two eyes than I ever want to see in my lifetime. Any plans to come for a visit were put to a halt and done so mighty fast! Over my dead body will I have a 15 year old lying to get herself here and then coming here with different intentions than what I was told. So here I was asked to call her parents and say they wouldn't be in the same room (which was my plan anyway) but after reading the messages exchanged last night, who knows what their plans were (though it looked as though my naive son was responding with words she wanted to hear). I do know that in the end I would have looked like a liar to her parents... something that isn't sitting well with me. Surely I'm not the only parent who snoops in from time to time. Am I wrong to have done this? I'm absolutely flabbergasted right now.
YIKES!!!! Teenagers are tricky.. They can get one over on ya quicker than you know what's going on.. We have some, I know.. One in particular I don't trust much of what he says.. There's always more to the story than he lets on... He called hubby a few weeks ago to ask if he could stay the night at his girlfriends house.. WHAT???? Hubby said NO WAY and went and picked him up. Teenage Boyfriend and girlfriends under the same roof over night.. I say NO WAY.. Glad you were able to figure out what was going on before she got to your place..
It's not snooping. It's your house, your computer, your money paying for internet connection...you were just look at your stuff.
I'm with Mommi and Alice -- NO WAY in this world would i let this "relationship" continue on its current course. He can stay at home and she can stay at her house. Pardon my French, but as we say down South, "Aw HELL no!"
Even after I "politely" told her she wasn't coming up, the both of them continued to hound me yesterday. She called and texted and messaged me relentlessly on Facebook when I finally asked for her mother to call me "Can I come up? I have to go to my sisters to get her and I don't feel well right now" so I said for her to give me her mother's number and I called her. I said "This is Noah's mom.... a VERY stressed Noah's mom" and proceeded to tell her about what brought me to finding what I did and why I was as stressed as I was. Though I didn't not repeat word for word what I read, I said enough that she could fill in the blanks and she was as shocked as I was. We collectively agreed that no way was there going to be a visit of this nature. She and her husband had only decided at 8:45 that she could come up - they were still reluctant until then but took the grandmothers word (because I had worked with her in the past) that she would be safe here (and she would have been other than this stuff happening under my nose without my knowledge). I'm quite surprised the grandmother didn't say anything to her mother. So when I told her she was quite surprised. The girl friend sent me messages on Facebook afterwards apologizing for the content of what I read and seemed sincere (but the cynical part of me wonders if she's genuine or if she's sorry because she was caught). Regardless - what a sick world we live in when we are so desensitized to sex that sex or any kind of talk of it has to be part of any kind of relationship at that age to feel valued. Heart breaking! Noah is mad at me for checking in on his account.... ask me if I care! THIS is exactly why I do as I do and as long as I'm paying for the internet and he's using my computer..... get used to it cupcake because I'm not about to back down anytime soon!
I would not assume your son is just naive and does not feel the same way she does. But glad you read it and are heading things off.
I was silently hoping the "relationship" would end, and it did! I'm happy the relationship is over but I'm sad for the girl in this because I know she didn't see it coming and I know she's hurting right now. This too shall pass........
I've never violated Elle's privacy. (Ok, maybe I've read the occasional note in her jeans that I've found in the laundry...lol...) If her behavior had serious changes and I thought she was in danger...I probably would...but in general, I think it's a really bad idea. (hold the bird tight enough to get him out of the house, but don't squeeze his eyes out...lol) I'm leery about an overnight visit between two kids. On the one hand, I think there are kids who are responsible to handle this kind of thing on the level...who would enjoy the visit and not try to sneak around. But on the other hand, I think stay-over visits (not sex...just that kind of LONG 48 hour visit) are a little much for the level of maturity 15 year olds bring to the table. In my mind, if 15 year olds want to date....they should be going on group dates that last a few hours, tops. Meet some friends at a movie, send an "I'm ok" text, grab a pizza next door, and get picked up by Dad at 9:00. Go to a gathering at a well chaperoned home you trust for some games, or host it at your house. Meet at a school dance. Join the same church youth group and go bowling kinda thing. Socialization in groups is healthier for kids this age, because there isn't so much pressure. The relationships 15 year olds have....are volatile and drama filled...because they don't understand how relationships work yet...they're not used to treating each other maturely....and lets face it...the hormones are off the chart! An overnight visit (done right) sort of implies a maturity in the relationship....that you really don't really see in people this age....and in my opinion, you probably shouldn't see yet. They're goofy people, they're still figuring it out. They're two steps from the eighth grade dance where all the boys and girls stayed on opposite sides of the room, for heaven's sake! LOL. My big concern about this situation, however....is that by spying on a kid and denying the relationship....you're kinda setting up a "Romeo and Juliette" type drama that kids love...and can act impulsively and stupidly on. (and resent you for, and shut down communication) I almost think that by NOT running the experiment, you're missing out on huge opportunities to let the reality of the situation...neutralize the fantasy of the situation. If you had both kids, you could sit them down and talk about relationships, you could talk to them about how their behaviors are perceived, what sort of things you have concerns about. Face to face...trapped in YOUR house...they're going to get a heck of an education in a way you can control. They might be more careful what they wish for Don't ever be under the misconception that kids can't sneak around online. There is no way to password protect what they do online. There is no way to supervise it. You might think having their passwords is a guarantee you can review things....but it's not, and any kid not related to you...will tell you this is true. Kids are BRILLIANTLY tech savy these days. They can erase browsing histories and keep secret accounts. They can crack filters and find ways around any security measure you can throw at them. Seriously....teens laugh at the idea that parents believe they are in control of the internet. They're not. I don't like the idea of this visit at all....particularly with the pushing both kids have done. BUT! I would probably be tempted to allow it to happen with the idea of using it as a serious time to talk about relationships, sex, consequences, maturity, respect, etc. You asked for it...you got it kids...but it's going to be something a little different than you imagined. LOL. You want to be treated like adults....well, this is what being an adult is about.... They could still have some pleasant parts of the visit...play some games, go on a family outing, watch a movie.....but they'd get a clue. It would definitely give their star-crossed romance some perspective! Would also be a lot of work for you (and exhausting)...but you can point that out to your son after the fact....when he understands more why it was such a bad idea. And you can extract your pound of flesh for doing him the favor. Hey, kid, you owe me some lawn mowing for indulging that!
Good thing it's not up to you. Didn't you get it? The relationship is OVER. No need for this treatise on adolescent behavior.
My husband and I have each of the boys on our friends list so when they say/do something, we usually see it (I have friends set up in specific lists so I can readily see what is being shared if I want to see it). We haven't needed to look in very often but I will admit we have, they know it and I really don't regret it - especially in this circumstance. Had the young lady not said something to tip me off that something was amiss, I might not have looked and caught on to what was happening and who knows the ending of that story - VERY thankful I don't have to consider that ending. I'm beyond thankful that the relationship is over and that part is behind us now - there's a still a lot of life teaching that goes with it and we are tackling it.
I don't see it as "spying". I usually don't check up on things with my kids, but wouldn't hesitate to do so if I felt something was going on. We just came back from camp. Phillip's friends were trying to convince me that he "needed" to have a cell phone. We asked the camp pastor, a Puerto Rican who was part of the Latin Kings gang. He told Phillip what his teenage son had to do for a cell phone, and that the parents had the right at ANY TIME to check his messages. He said it was part of accountability.
My point on the computer thing....is that these two could easily still be talking online. Kids often have several different email accounts. Some have a couple of different Facebook accounts (one you have the password to, and one you don't). It's not hard to set up multiple accounts, and it's all free...so there's no paper trail. Browsing history can be erased, or can be deactivated. They could have Skype accounts where they could video chat for free. For many parents, it's extremely shocking to learn the options kids have with a little tech skill. (and learning all this is as available as using Google). Kids are crazy clever with computers. Don't underestimate them. Not to say your kids WOULD do this. Just saying it's possible. Glad the "relationship" is over. The girl sounds outrageously bold and pushy....and that's a huge red flag for me, too.
Valid points and I understand them (he does everything on my husbands laptop which tracks passwords so it's all good)
