I even feel like a slob for asking this. Do any of you use cleaning help? The bottom line is, I can't get anything accomplished here, and I've decided to stop asking for help from the gentlemen I reside with. Like it got me anywhere.... I feel I'm a lousy steward of this house, though. If you do, or have used cleaning help, what are your comments?
Becky, I just left you a reply on another thread about my Dh. I used to get TOO MUCH help in the cleaning area from him. He has OCD and cleaning was one of his major "things". Now I am sooooo happy that there can be some clutter and dust bunnies on the floor cuz that means he is HEALING! Yippee! I am probably the only woman in America to rejoice at dust bunnies, huh?! Our kids take care of their own rooms. That includes sweeping and dusting. They also help with inside and outside chores. Nobody in our home has the cleaning/chores responsibility attached to their name. And my kids don't get an allowance, either. Taking care of what we have is the responsibility of everyone in the home, IMHO. Sorry I can't give any advice. I have different personalities I'm working with here. I do hope you get some great advice and I'll be watching the thread in case there are some great motivational ideas I could use......for motivating the worst procrastinator in the house....ME! :lol: :lol: :lol:
I don't, but... I sure wish I did! I feel really bad that I can't just do it all!!!! I try to keep everything orderly and pretty clean. I am a very organized person so if things are not in place it drives me nuts. I spend way too much time putting everyone's things back. I have recently been better about making people clean up their own messes. My children (for the most part) are responsible for dusting their rooms and cleaning them. I also have them do some Swiffer mopping/sweeping in their bathrooms. DD is old enough to scrub out her toilet and sinks too. My kids also help with the dishes, dusting of the house, and such. I make dh take out the trash, put away his clothes and put his dishes in the sink or dishwasher. He also has to do most of the yardwork! We try to make things work so that everyone can have some free time (INCLUDING MOMMY)! One neat thing I've been doing is paying dd and ds(sometimes) to do extra chores. If I feel it is a "mommy chore" and I am not getting to it fast enough then I'll offer the job for the taking. DD makes tons of money that way. She has gotten paid to dust my room, clean my bathroom floors, clean the mirrors, wash/dry clothes, etc. I love the help and she loves the money, lol! Even my little boy (almost 4) will get in on the cleaning. He thinks it is fun right now. Hope it lasts, lol!
Becky~ If you're a slob, then I am too. I cannot get everything done around my house either. My husband used to be just like Brooke's- he was never diagnosed with OCD, but if he had it, he's in remission! :lol: Anyway, I used to get upset with him when he'd come home from work every day and vacuum; now I wish he had just a fraction of that "problem" still! I had my best friend coming every other week to clean- it was nice because we could work on it together- it was fun as well as getting the work done. Our kids would play, and they'd stay for lunch. She got another job and doesn't come anymore, and I get so frustrated some days! Oh well. I don't have any good advice for you. Except that if you need someone to come in and help you clean, don't feel ashamed! Heidi
Yeah, but is that a sensible thing money wise? One of the moms at Kindermusik was laying it on thick about stewardship, and it really got in my craw.
Becky ... Again, I can relate. However, and this is NOT to get everyone ticked off at me but two words are coming to mind at this moment ... RUSTY YATES. Why did that come to mind? Hmm ... well lets see ... - He had a wife that was wayyyyy in over her head - He got her 'knocked up' over and over - She never felt like she could do a good enough job at anything - She home schooled - She had self loathing issues BEFORE her "baby-after-baby-days." - He did NOTHING to help her - He was supposedly a "Christian man" yet this was taking place right under his nose - He was a poor steward first, then she SNAPPED - I could go on and on and you all know I can Yes, it's an extreme example. Her feelings of being overwhelmed resulted in an extreme reaction too ... SHE WENT NUTS. Is this moron at Kindermusik homeschooling?? I hope not, because with THAT huge of a blabbermouth, they ought to try it in addition to keeping a house. That's two full-time jobs ... at least here it is. There is no way in this world that I would assume blame for the condition of my house when there isn't a stitch of help and none of the mess is mine. Of course, I clean it up, but when 50 million of my OTHER duties precede the cleaning, and none of the mess is mine, how can I possibly be a bad steward unless I'm sitting on my butt all the time in front of the TV?? You're not a bad steward at all, Becky. Neither am I. We're just hitched to males of our species who are stunted by natural immaturity and are instinctively impaired. Kathe
Becky, I have the same problem. I homeschool my girls, try to take care of home and work full- time beside and when I ask for help from any of them it's like pulling teeth. I always have to get mad and yell before they help. WHY? Do we have to do that, can't they see it's alot on our shoulders. No they sit and watch tv and then wonder why we are so tired at nights. To do anything. Sometimes I feel like running away from it all for days and not come back for awhile. I just can't understand why they can't see it? Then when I do sit and they find me sitting, it's I was wondering if you could please do this and this. Yea why not I been sitting for five mintues that's long enough time to work again. But, when they are sitting and you ask them to do something it's ok in a mintue then they forget about doing it and you end up doing it anyway. Becky, all I can tell you to do is what I been doing lately and that is I gave up asking for help because they wouldn't help unless you yell or tell them. I don't understand I can do it without being told. So, I just walk over the mess and if I have time I will pick it up and do it. If I don't I don't do and if they ask I just start telling them I am one person and I am tired too and I want to sit a few so if you don't like the mess maybe you should clean it up. I know it's hard ball but sometimes that's what it takes to get through them. Hang in there and I wish you luck Becky and don't feel bad about it. It happens to alot of us but alot of people don't talk about it hoping it goes away but it wouldn't Kris Tx :lol:
Kris- why didn't you let me in on this sooner? I could have made up some Ex-Lax recipes!!! :lol: Kathe, I read your p.m. before I read your post here. YOU ARE MY SOULMATE. I HATE Rusty Yates, and emailed him as much. I was deep in the middle of depression myself when that happened. I felt so sorry for her. Can you imagine the state she had to be in to do that? He always looked so smug, with his mommy beside him. Did you hear him say on t.v. that he will probably remarry and have more kids?! She had just been convicted when he said this. The louse. Now before anybody pulls me up for defending her, she had these kids all day. She homeschooled them and mothered them while Big Russ played NASAman. I heard him myself describe what was expected of her. His mother appears very overbearing, and I assume she was part of the problem. No way was it okay for Andrea Yates to kill her kids. But, what if it all wasn't on her? Plus, Kathe is right- this poor woman was sick with depression before all the kids came. Her doctor advised them to not have more kids. I heard that myself when NASA man was on Larry King. He said he wanted more kids, and that she could take medicine to fight the depression. I just plain hate that guy. I sent Andrea a card after I heard where she was placed. The prison officials said it would be placed in her file, whatever that means. Unless you have suffered with real depression, not just sadness, you have no idea how hopeless and useless you feel. That poor woman...
Oh, Kathe- yeah, that mom does work with her three year old, plus she's got a smaller one, still nursing. She wasn't being holier than thou about it, that's just how she believes she's supposed to live. I simply can't do that. I just have a hard time believing it's all supposed to fall on us. Homeschooling and taking care of kids and house IS two full time jobs. If my husband worked two jobs, he would expect to sit when he got home. I say to him now , when do I get to punch out? When's my smoke break? The husband might be brining in the money and not doing amoral things, but is it too much to ask for them to help out? When they don't, what does it teach our sons.... and daughters?
You know, I'm gonna jump in here again. I think that the women on this thread who are experiencing the problems with help in the home are really only discussing a symptom of a much bigger problem. You guys might think about digging deeper into your family's relational issues, not just the housework.
Brooke.... What do you mean about your last post? Do you think that all of us are having some marital problems because our dh's are slobs, lol? Honestly, my dh has always been this way. His problems started way before we started dating (over 20 years ago) and they are still here. I think he believes the cleaning and cooking mostly belongs to the responsibility of the wife. However, he really could care less if my housecleaning wasn't up to par. He tells me all the time that our house if fine. He says it's cleaner than any house of his friends for sure. He is also overweight and works probably 60+ hours a week on his businesses. I'm sure he just doesn't feel like doing it. I don't either. The difference is that I have this deep sense of responsibility when it comes to housework and taking care of things. He doesn't....
Well, Brooke, thanks for your insights. However, I believe I DID spell out the "much bigger problem." They are stunted by natural immaturity and are instinctively impaired. What that means is that while some people watch others work and are shamed into pitching in, others can simply continue to watch. These people are not motivated INSTINCTIVELY, they're motivated SELFISHLY. Therefore, if it's not rockin' their selfish little world, it's not important. The bottom line is that some of us are selfISH and some of us are selfLESS. You might think about not proceeding on the assumption that we haven't tried approaching things from a relationship standpoint. Do you think we're that shallow that we think we really only have housework trouble?? I, for one, know I'm wayyyy more intelligent than that. Thanks again anyway. Kathe
I also think the men just simply believe it's all the woman's job. I also believe they simply don't think to help. This morning there were two big piles of towels to be washed on the laundry room floor. I was helping Jeannie, who had just woke up. Hubby was on the computer. Guess who did the towels? I'm sorry- he could have thrown the towels in while I got Jeannie breakfast. Or he could have come and got Jeannie's food. He stayed at the computer. I would love to see the reaction if I was here at the forums and didn't have his coffee and food ready for him to leave for work! Not all houses have two way streets, Brooke. I wish they did. So, now I'm figuring what I can do, since I'm tired of being the bad guy all the time. I hate being mad and disgusted all the time. In a family everyone should pull together, not just mom the slave.
I even tried a Job Jar once. On slips of paper I wrote little things I can't get to, and on other slips I wrote either 5, 10, 15 or 20 dollars. You draw a slip of paper and do that job that day. If you draw a slip with money on it, you got the money, but you had to draw another slip. You could only get money once a day. That lasted a day or two. It was ,'Okay, I'll do____ in a minute'. It might have gotten done. I don't remember. So, I even tried fun ways to get help. You know, these gripes are about housework. I could go off for days about how it was when Jeannie was born. That's why I really think some of this is just how they think.
Technically, Becky, they DON'T THINK. :shock: Well ... not beyond their *****, anyway. And, uhhh ... as for the towels ... would you actually LET him use the washer ??? You are braaaaaaave !!! Kathe
Yeah, but how much did the clothes cost that it wrecked??? :roll: Sssshhhh ... don't even SAY 'washer.' Mine is almost 12 years old. It could croak any time soon. :?
I wasn't talking about just the husband/wife relationships. I was responding to the comments about getting help from "any of them" was like pulling teeth. I would hate to see anyone's children treating their mother with that little respect. The whole family needs to be united in their effort to instill obedience and ultimately initiative in the family members. I wasn't trying to say that any or all of us needed marriage help. I was talking about getting the family to function as a healthy, helping body rather than being slack when one member has too much for any one person to take on. Mom and dad need to be on the same page first. Without help from dad on this, I've seen lots of my friends end up with kids who behave like dad cuz it is just simply easier. Mom gets resentful besides being worn out. I was trying to encourage a healthy family rather than make accusations. Sorry if that didn't come across in my post.
I am sure most of us try to get our dh's to help. I certainly do and dh does comply often when I ask. I think most of us just want them to think to do it themselves instead of us having to tell them like they were kids. I honestly blame my mil because she let him get away with not doing any housework and he never really even cleaned his room. The only chores were "guy chores" like mowing the yard or taking out the trash. These are some of the jobs he does now. I NEVER mow the yard and only take the trash to the garage if necessary. He also does other guy things as well. I think he feels those are the jobs he should be doing. I get him to do other household chores as a help to me but also as an example to my son. I also teach my little boy that he is to help with the chores inside the house as well. When he grows up and contributes to our household income then he can slack off on some of the inside chores (like his father who works extremely hard at work). The whole point is that it's not easy to make someone or even convince someone to do things completely YOUR way if they have done it their way for thirty plus years. It's like trying to teach an old dog new tricks, you know. :?
Personally, I find it really disgusting that I should have to ask for help. Actually, if it's not my mess that needs to be picked up, or not my dirty dishes etc, then why would I have to ask for help to clean it up??? What I remind my kids of all the time, is that when supper time rolls around, they don't have to ASK me to cook it. When the laundry is dirty, no one has to ASK me to wash it, and fold it and lug it up the stairs organized in nice piles which they only have to put away. When the boys, who can't aim straight p** all over the toilet, no one has to ASK me to clean it. When one of them is low on socks, or any clothes, or is in need of new shoes, no one has to ASK me to shop for new ones. I'm usually 'on it.' That's one of the reasons why it's unfathomable to me that I should have to ASK someone else to pick up their OWN mess or rinse their OWN plate and simply walk it over to the dishwasher. I don't 'get' how people can lack such awareness of their surroundings so as NOT to notice what needs to be done, regardless of whether they LIKE doing it. If my own example doesn't do the teaching, then I'm certainly NOT going to lower myself to begging for help. No way ... the house can pile up before that happens. Kathe
