We have been homeschooling for 3 months now. In the beginning he didn't want to do anything. Then I told him I would send him back to school if he didn't listen and do what I tell him to do. Then he got more compliant of what I expected of him. Now, we're back to making up excuses for everything he doesn't want to do. This is what I expect from him: Pick 2 chores (either clean bathroom, take out trash, or vacuum). Complete aprox.4 pages of work (math, language, writing or geography). I have told him a million times that I am here if he needs help. When he does tell me he needs help it turns out he DOES know it and was just pretending. He is a very smart kid, but I can't make him apply himself. Im thinking Im not gonna be able to get through to him about what needs to happen to make homeschooling work. I really DON'T want to send him back to public school...but Im really tempted.Help!
Is he lonely? Maybe this is a kid who needs more participation from you? I know that my boys tend to get more mouthy and defiant when I'm not interacting as much with them on assigments. I can't be involved in every assignment, so sometimes the answer is to have them do it in their room if they can't lose the 'tude. My oldest was often smart enough for assignments, but he just got overwhelmed when left alone with his work, so he'd sabotage it. If it's just a stubborn thing, I recommend allowing NO electronics or playing or freedom until the work is done. That's a rule I've never bent on, and it has helped a lot. They are motivated to finish their work because they know they'll do it alone in their room if they waste too much of my time and there will be no freedom until it's done.
DO NOT threaten to send him back unless you are going to follow through!!! If you're just saying that, it's an idle threat and he knows it. Do not make ANY "threats" unless you mean it. Then you follow through RIGHT AWAY. Once he learns that you mean what you say, he'll start listening. But as long as there's a chance you won't follow through, he'll ignore you.
I agree with Jackie. You are the only one who can show him how serious you are by following through. Don't give him a choice of chores, assign his chores. Depending on the age of your son, he needs direction not choices. You can give him more choices as he learns to handle direction. Something to remember is that you decided to homeschool him for a reason. Is placing him back in public school going to help him or make things worse?
All the above! Just this morning my son and I were having a heated discussion about him going to public school. We just moved and there is absolutely no one in this neighborhood for the kids to play with and there is no where for them to go safely. He's stressed, he's missing his friends and our old neighborhood. Once we got to the root of his issues he no longer wanted to go. Sheer boredom has gotten to him. He also wants me there when he's doing his work "just in case" he says. Maybe your son needs your attention a little more. Mine is almost 17 and he still needs me. LOL I also agree with standing your ground about letting him go back. If he knows your not serious he will continue to act this way. I pray everything gets worked out for you both and the day got easier for you.
Okay, I checked your other posts - he's 8. At 8, with no experience homeschooling prior to this I really think you need to be right there with him while he's doing his work. If he's doing school work you're right there beside him to help him stay focused. Honestly, my son is 9 going on 10, has always been homeschooled and is only just getting to the point where I can leave the table for a couple of subjects and have him work independently. You also need to stay away from the threats. What is your goal in homeschooling after all? To benefit the family right? How is it a benefit to anyone if he's only working under threat and it's unpleasant every time school work needs to be done? Focus instead on working together, on patience and on enjoying that time. As for chores, we all do our chores together. When I fold laundry then my son is filling the washing machine and feeding the chickens and my daughter is emptying the dishwasher and sweeping the kitchen or whatever. If I leave them to get them done at their own discretion then my daughter might do it but my son never would. It helps to make it a part of the routine by having it at the same time everyday and to keep the mood light when this is happening. Homeschooling works not because you pick a path and it somehow clicks but because you keep plugging away and finding out new approaches when the old ones don't work. The most important things are to be flexible and open to learning yourself. Everything and everyone else follows that.
My two cents... If your son is only 8 then he DOES need more interaction and guidance from you, even if it is only your presence right there if he has a question. You do not need to watch every pencil stroke, but be there. Do some paperwork yourself, work on a project (not totally consuming to you), write some letters, whatever. And be patient with his questions. He's trying to figure out this schooling thing too. Second, stop the threats of public school, even if that is something that could possibly happen. If he thinks he can push you far enough you will send him back to school that's what he just might do. If he needs a consequence reminder, use something else that you can follow through on NOW. Also, at 8, my kids not only still needed a reminder to do their chores, but sometimes some motivation to get it done. (Do you think you can take out the trash before I finish loading the dishwasher? Ready, set, go...!) Start making it FUN to be home, not drudgery and threats! MT3
We've been hs for about the same amount of time so not so experienced yet. I think alot of it has to do with the child, changing things till it works for you. Mine is 12 so a little older but some of the things we have done to avoid this problem are: 1. We sat him down before starting hs at a family meeting (this means serious) and gave him our expectations and rules. This included no electronics before school and the fact hs is school and he will learn or it is not an option any longer. 2. His routine did not change from ps - Bedtime, Shower, Breakfast, School start time all the same. 3. He is in school for as long as it takes - sitting there till 9pm to get school work done, your choice not mine. No break on this one, get it done or sit there. Some of the things I changed about myself during this process so far 1. Understanding he is going to have a bad day. This came to light when my ps kid brought home 2 F's in one day. He still has straight A's on his progress report. Did I stay up all night worrying that he just isn't getting Math? Nope, so why put that kind of pressure on my HS kid? 2. Forcing him to learn the way I thought he should learn. I was forcing him to do workbooks and research for science & ss. He would do the work but not remember anything. Why make him do it? So I changed science & ss to fun activities. Does he still research? You bet. Does he do it willingly? Yep, because he is trying to figure out how to build an army to beat the Persians. These we do mostly together. A little together time helped also I think. 3. I let him choose one subject just for him. What HE wanted to learn. Spanish was his choice. 4. I stopped micro-managing his day. He would get stuck on Math and sit there for an hour. Now I give him a list, he chooses when he does what. He may do 2 math problems then LA then back to math. Whatever he wants to do as long as it gets done. 5. I stopped DH from threats of PS. He understands if he doesn't learn he goes back. He gets it. There's no need to threaten everytime he has a bad day. (It helps put things in perspective when you go through what he has learned.) If he needs a reminder it will be in a family meeting again, not in the heat of the moment. 6. School is a priority for ALL of us. He sees when I don't feel well but I drag myself out of bed to make sure he has his school work. He knows it's a priority for us so it needs to be a priority for him also. I'm sure more things will change as we go along but right now this is working for us. Debbie PS Wow, I guess I've change myself and my perspective more than my kid.
JustTry, you might want to do a little research on "deschooling". My children have been homeschooled from the get-go, so this is NOT my area of experience, but you hear again and again how, that first year you bring them home, there's a lot of deprogamming going on. I've heard this is especially true with "older" children. One evaluator said that she has people come in all the time saying, "We really didn't get a lot of academics done, but I got my child back!", and the next year the academics really take off.
What Jackie & everyone else says too - flexability and knowing your child, I think, is mostly the key. Debbie
I agree with the others. At 8, kids need you there while they do the work, and may need structure ("At 9:30 you will be doing xyz."). My ds is 10, and although he COULD manage by himself, he really won't. He's extremely social and requires my presence. I will also say that both my children and I have come to love that one-on-one time. They know they have my undivided attention for that time period, and they appreciate that as well. At the beginning stages, I think you have to give yourself and him some slack. You guys are still trying to figure out what will work. Rather than declaring it a total disaster, just work on one tiny bit at a time and consider this a learning experience for you both. We've been there. My first few months with ds were TERRIBLE. I ended the year a bit early and felt like he hadn't learned anything at all. But when i reviewed what we had covered, I couldn't believe how much we'd done! I suggest taking a week off or whatever you guys need. Check out your curric choices and make sure everything is working there (matching curric to learning style, teaching style, and ability level is the difference between meltdowns and quiet compliance imhe). See if you guys can find a way to meet in the middle. I believe in making my kids a part of decisions regarding school because I want THEM ultimately to take responsibility, so I'd sit down and talk to him about what's working and what isn't. Sometimes kids have great suggestions. There is also a bit of 'training' involved in homeschooling. My kids know school time is SCHOOL TIME. Chatter about supper and pets to a minimum, brains engaged, fingers stretched and ready to go. It didn't start out that way, though. (((hugs)))
I would follow most of the suggestions here. Please know that there are many reasons NOT to do your best. It could be laziness. It could be a fear of failure (avoidance). It could be a way to test you. It could be boredom. I would venture to guess it is probably more than one of those things in isolation. In school many kids get overwhelmed and feel hopelessly behind. This is also "told" to them if they cannot keep up with other kids. This can lead to an aversion to anything school-like. Think about the things that you dread to do- you avoid them if possible. This may be part of his problem. My son once said, "I like learning, I just don't like school." There is a lot of truth for a lot of people in those words. Learning can happen at your own pace- school doesn't. The beautiful thing is that homeschool can happen at your own pace. I would alter some days to just having fun and reading whatever he wants. I would also let him answer some questions orally instead of writing them down. You might be surprised at how well that works (at least it helps us). I would also suggest researching all styles of learning and homeschooling, even if you are sure you could never do a certain method. I love researching unschooling even though I don't think I could ever unschool.
Hey first I didn't read all the responses completely. But from my experience deschooling is needed to a certain degree. The first few months homeschooling my son I took to evaluate where he was at and formulated a plan for where we should be headed. Also maybe worksheets aren't what he is hoping for. I know my sons expectations of homeschool were vastly different from mine so we had to take time to adjust to each others point of view and work out what would work best. I also agree that at 8 in your first year it likely is him needing company and guidance to gain the independence you want him to have in future years. Best of luck!
This is hard because it sounds like the homschooling has gotten to a negatively anchored place with disinterest and threats. So hard. He needs some positive rewards to work toward and try to get it back to a positive fun discovery enviroment.
Thanks for all the guidance everyone. I agree he does work better with me right beside him. It gets hard though because of my 4 and 1 year old. Sometimes I feel like I am continuously getting up to get the baby out of something or the 4 year old needs a drink. I dont have a lot of uninterrupted time with any of my kids. do try to have some one on one when its naptime or the little ones are eating. I really dont want to send him back to ps. I guess I just get frustrated. It's nice to hear that it is normal to have a hard first year. My husband keeps telling me to send him back if he can't "get with it", so I have a little pressure too. My husband hasnt read everything I have about hs, and doesnt know much. He is also a little irritated by me wanting things so different from the "norm". I will try some different things and see what happens. Thanks again.
