I'm so frustrated right now and I'm at a total loss as to what to do about it. This issue has been the absolute bane of our homeschooling experience. It was a huge contributing factor to my almost decision to send ds to public school last year. This year has been going so much better, that I almost wondered why last year was so awful.... and today I remember all right :roll: Josh is 8, will be 9 in June. Doing 3rd grade work. This kid loves to read and has an awesome imagination. He hates Language Arts, though. We've tried several LA programs, and he just doesn't like it. Which is fine, I don't require him to love every subject LOL But it's still important for him to learn proper sentence structure, etc so it must be done. The issue is, he's completely incapable of filling in a blank or writing a sentence or anything similar if there isn't just one clear-cut answer. Asking him to choose an adjective (ie John drove a ______ bicycle.) or write a sentence about a friend (that was the dramatic question this morning that's prompting me to beg for help) sends him into absolute hysterics. It always results in dramatic "I don't know what/which one to pick!". No amount of helpful prodding from myself or dh helps. A short clip of what happened this morning. Question: Write a sentence that makes sense. Tell about a friend. ds: I don't know what to write. me: Well, start by picking a friend to write about. ds: I can't! me: You have friends, right? ds: yeah. me: Just pick one. It doesn't matter which one. There's no wrong answer. ds: I don't know which one to pick! (whining voice and tears in his eyes already) me: Who's the first person you thought of? ds: Starts crying me: Really Josh, it doesn't matter who you pick. How about Bobby? ds: I don't knooooow! (full blown, breath-hitching sobbing) me: ok, just pick Bobby. What could you say about Bobby? How about picking something Bobby likes to play? ds: Totally breaks down into hysterics at the idea of having to make yet another decision about what to write. He's not even capable of telling me any of this thoughts about what he could write. Crying to the point of coughing and gagging and practically making himself throw up. This sort of thing is such an issue for him, that today he chose to skip the question and take a zero on it, rather than just write something... anything... down. And this is a kid who works really hard to make sure his grades stay as close to 100% as possible. Please, any advice or suggestions or anything. I don't know why he has so much trouble with this sort of thing, but I can't let him continue to not be able to form an original thought. The whole thing is just stressing us both out
Sounds like he might have more issues there than just composition. Maybe some OCD tendencies? Would he do better, do you think, if you gave him two possibilities to choose from -- in the example given, maybe suggest to him (before he ever sees the question) that he write a sentence about either Billy or Bobby, and the sentence could be about something he likes to do (build legos or play video game, for example), or what he looks like (he's 4 feet tall with brown hair, or he's 3 1/2 feet tall with red hair). Would he then be able to choose between only two examples? Then you write down whichever choice he makes, and have him just copy the sentence? Would that help, do you think? With the bicycle, you might have him close his eyes and "see" John riding a bike -- now, what color bike did he see? Would he be able to do that?
Maybe the issue is (in his mind) being fair. He doesn't want to choose just one friend, even for a silly sentence, because he'd be leaving the others out. Perhaps tell him to close his eyes, stand in line with his friends to wait for (movie, bus, etc.), and then ask him which friend is standing in the ___ spot. That way he's not choosing, he's visualizing. I don't know. Mine has the same type of issue sometimes, and that works for us.
First, let me say that I am so happy that you decided to keep him home with you this year. This type of problem is only exacerbated by putting them in a large group of kids and a teacher who is unfamiliar with your ds. Several thoughts came to mind when I read this. You mentioned that he tries to keep his work at 100%. I'm sure part of the problem is that he is looking for the concrete correct answer and is afraid to give an answer that might be wrong. Another possibility is something like OCD where he may have perceived consequences for not choosing the "correct" answer. You might ask him what will happen if he chooses an answer that he thinks is wrong. If it is a disconnected consequence (like something bad will happen to him or to you) then he might be suffering from OCD. (my Dh has OCD and is recovering beautifully ) Does he struggle with decision making in other areas of life? is he allowed to make very many decisions for himself? He might just lack self-confidence. The more decisions he can make for himself, the more confident he will become that his decisions can be right. Just taking some wild stabs in the dark over the troubles he is encountering. Regardless of the cause, I'm sure he is wishing the struggle wasn't there. Praying for you both! (((hugs)))
I agree with everyone above. I especially like the idea 2littleboys has about the line... maybe even having him draw a picture of the scene then he can answer questions pulled from that picture? Big hugs to you both!!
I also like the idea of starting out by giving him just two choices. If that is able to help him write then later you can slowly increase the choices and ask him for suggestions. Maybe playing Mad Libs as a game together will give him the idea that it can be all fun and there aren't just one or two right answers. We like to play Mad Libs during lunch to see how silly we can make them.
Perfectionism I think more then OCD. He wants it to be right so bad. And then maybe it's tinged with indecisiveness. Just not being able to make a sound decision on his own. It would be a good time to just stop teaching sit and talk with him about what he is feeling. Why he feels the need to cry. My son has gone through this and I remind him that the world won't end tomorrow if it is wrong nor will I love him less. A mistake or even a silly answer is better then no answer because it means he is trying. And yes homeschool is better then having your child pointed out and made fun of by the teacher in front of their peers which is what can go on in PS . When DS was in grade one the teacher admonished a child in front of the class, which was a split level class because my son had the answer and he was in the younger grade. In her words 'What's the matter with you that you don't have the answer and he does? He is only in grade one.' Even then my son realized that was unfair and not the right way to be teaching. Sad for the kids who don't have the ability to speak up for themselves.
You indicate that he took a zero. Is it possible part of the stress is because he is so concerned about his grade? You state that he works very hard to keep his grades at 100%. Does he have these meltdowns even if he knows it's just for fun? I'd start writing by making things as impersonal as possible and with zero choices. For example, I'd say, today, we're going to write about Bobby. First, let's list what Bobby looks like. Now, let's list things Bobby likes to do. And, finally, let's list reasons why we like Bobby. Then, take the lists and build the paper from there. As a former English teacher, I tend to think people expect a bit more in terms of writing from young kids than they need to. Writing really does involve a lot of abstract and intuitive thinking, and, frankly, a blank sheet of paper looks downright daunting. Personally, I'd remove the grade element and focus my attention more on working on organizing stuff for writing a paper rather than on the actual act of writing the paper itself.
Totally agree with Shelley, also. Maybe let him choose the adjective, verb, whatever but NAME someone for the story. I remember feeling that way, a bit, about my stuffed animals. Oddly guilty if I didn't play with one (although of course I had my favorites.) And those were TOYS and I knew that. Much harder when it's real people. I've also had to tell my children over and over that I want them to TRY. They don't have to get it perfect (we've been saying, "It doesn't have to be perfect to be perfect!" in my house forever- ds used to be such a perfectionist! and... me too, sometimes LOL). That isn't just about schoolwork- it's about life.
he's a firstborn perfectionist. (incidentally, read the Birth Order Book by Kevin Leman to get more insight on his personality. It made a difference in my family) I'd demonstrate to him how to do this. First I'd draw a picture of me and him doing something. Then I'd say. "This is me and you; we are playing Legos. So I will write a sentence that says. "Mom and Josh like to play Legos." Then I would demonstrate, slowly showing him that I capitalized the first word, and put a period at the end. Then I'd Have him draw a picture of something that he does with a friend. Then I'd say. Who is that? When he answers, then you say. "Ah! Bobby. So you will write a sentence about you and Bobby. Now what are you doing in your picture? Right. You're playing soccer. So you would write a sentence about you and Bobby playing soccer." I would not allow him to melt down and whine and cry. I would not allow him to skip it. If he started the fussing, I'd immediately send him to his room. Rinse repeat as many times as possible. He would sit in a chair till he came up with something. I'd mention that he was 8 years old, too old to be crying about something that he can do, but struggles with. Anyhow, that is how I've handled this type of thing with my oldest perfectionistic daughter. Yes, we've been there. Still she does it occasionally, but not so much as before. She struggles with creative things because there is no right or wrong answer. Slowly she is moving past it and at times she really enjoys writing stories and stuff. I;d also practice silly sentences. Make up subjects of sentences and write them on index cards. Then I'd make up sentence endings on other index cards. Then me and my kids would put them together to make the most ridiculous sentences we could think of. It was fun and my dd got the idea that playing with words and writing funny stuff was neat too. eta: here are some radio programs by the above author about firstborns. they might help. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/popups/media_player.aspx?MediaId={9229DAA3-8FC8-4B24-A8EA-6CA907E666D6} http://www.focusonthefamily.com/popups/media_player.aspx?MediaId={E7BC5F19-D2DE-4BA1-B85F-DD2E575600F5}
Try this - First, you pick the topic. Of the whole myriad of stuff in the universe to write about, saying "pick anything" can be daunting for a child! Then, instead of asking him to write it down right away, have him tell you out loud. Ask him, "What do you like Bobby? Where did you go with him last week?" After he says one sentence out loud, have him them write that down, word for word. If he says, "Bobby and I went to the park." Tell him, "Great! Let's write that down. Bobby . . . and . . . I . . .went. . . " Some kids have to enunciate their sentences before they can write them down. They will eventually become fluent just writing, but at this young age, sometimes saying out loud what they want to say, and hearing the sentence, triggers the ability to write. I had a student like this last semester. It was a slower process, but it got him writing. Then, once he did two or three sentences out loud, he was able to do the rest on his own. Good luck!
Oh, and AFTER he is done writing his sentence(s), THEN focus on capitals, period, sentencing improvement, etc. Don't try to have him fix all the mistakes as he writes, as this will slow the process. Use the "Just WRITE!" concept first, then use the revision process to fix errors. Be sure to also provide feedback on what he did well. Revision is not supposed to be a negative - it is supposed to show us how to make what is good even better.
I went through this with my oldest ( now in 7th grade) and deciding I needed to beat my youngest to the punch. I put them in a writing program. It made a world of difference.
The older language books seem to do more in the way of guided writing. Notice this page. Here is another. Perhaps this approach might be easier for him? so he doesn't have to think up ideas. ?
Could you maybe do mad libs or computer games like grammar for the real world. Copywork like the CM method might also be easier for him.
I agree with this! My ds could not and would not write for the life of him. Then one day I heard a speaker talking about writing. I put it into action with my ds and it worked!!! You start by telling a story, you making up the story and have it geared towards something he is very interested in where you know that they can finish it. I would tell my part and then he only had to finish it with 1-3 sentences verbally. We would do this for 15 minutes a day for about a week. By the end of the week he wanted more. The next week we would write it down, again only 1-3 sentences and not worrying about spelling, punctuation or grammar also I still started the story. Surprisingly he easily wrote the sentence. The next week I asked him if he wanted to start the story and he was extremely excited to do so. We kept everything fictional for a while to make it fun and then add non fiction at times. We did this for about 2 months and it made a HUGE difference. He doesn't have any problems with creative writing anymore. He just needed help getting it out. Best of luck to you!
You guys, thank you all SO MUCH for all the wise and thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it. I sat here and read them all out loud for my husband, and together we're going to work to implement some of your ideas and insights. I'll let you know how it works out.
I did these types of CM language lessons with my older two when they were little. It helps immensely. I would recommend getting away from the grading/filling in the blanks mentality for a while, and do some oral language lessons. I would gently guide him into giving you answers in complete sentences orally, and then write down his sentences for him. He can then copy those sentences onto his own paper. I really love the picture study lessons. That should help him get out of the one correct answer to fill in the blanks mentality.
Northernmomma, Perfectionism and OCD are two different things, you are right. But perfectionism is a sign of OCD. Believe me, I have it and in some areas of my life I am not satisfied with anything less than perfectionism. When I look back at my school years, I now see why it was always distressing to me to have to write a report or answer essay questions (especially opinion type ones). I loved math and grammar because there were no other possible answer except the "right" one.
