My 7 yr old has been very uneasy and gets upset if I leave him anywhere..for an afterschool activity, a friends house, a class, etc. He wasnt like this before. He asks me just before I drop him to his class if Im going to stay with him, if not, where will I be and he begs me not to go. When I tell him i have to go, he starts to cry or tries his hardest to hide it. He is so afraid to stay somewhere without me. He's ok when he goes to a friends house and knows that he can walk across the street back home or that the mother can drop him off back home. But if he's someplace where he feels he cant leave, he gets really upset. In an activity, he asks the teacher at least 10 times in the hour when Im coming back. Im never late but I may be the 9th mother in line to pick up their child. He's in tears. I ask him why he's crying and he says he's scared Im going to leave him. This has happened since we started homeschooling. What do you think? What should I do? Im so frustrated and puzzled.
Maybe it's just his age? OR maybe someone has said something to him. I say this because my friend who's son is 7 and in the 2nd grade at PS has the same issues with her son. He doesn't want to go anywhere without her and if she does leave him somewhere (like his afterschool program) he will act out until she comes to get him. She talked to him about it and didn't get any reason for it...but when I was just hanging out and talking with him the other day he told me "Auntie ___ I wish you would homeschool me" I asked him why and he told me that" The kids at school are mean and told him that his mother doesn't love him because she sends him to school and she does it so that she can eventually stop picking him up and just leave him there." I explained to him that that was not true and his mother would never leave him...he seems ok now. So I would say to sit down and have a heart to heart with your son about it and if he's to scared to talk to you about it find an adult that you both trust to try and talk to him.
Birbitt, has given some good advice. I would be asking the child why he is afraid. I think it might be something with the age with the added amount of independence they have and realizing more about consequences and possibilities about what could happen. My daughter was always so fearless: would go to sleep in her crib during bad storms, no separation anxiety--EVER, etc., but sometime after she turned 6yo, she began to be more aware of "dangers." I have her pick up the mail and tell her to be very careful when she gets near the street; she does well, but lately, she has mentioned that she is afraid to go get the mail when she sees a car on the street, not because it might hit her but because they might kidnap her and I might not hear her scream when I am in the house. I rarely drop her off for anything, even then it is with people she has known and trusted for a long time, but when I do I have noticed that she is more interested about knowing how she will be returned to me, whether I am picking her up or she is being brought home.
I've asked him why he is so afraid and he said that he's scared that I wont pick him up. I asked him if I have ever done this and he said no, dad has. My husband picked him up late for school once. He was 15 min late. That was almost 2 years ago! I dont know what to do to get him over it. Perhaps its an age thing but I dont see other 7 yrs old acting like this. Im worried it may be homeschooling only because its my only explanation. Is homeschooling really the best for a child who may be socially immature or anxious?
Well, I don't think that dropping him off at public school every day will help his fears...probably only make them worse. Some kids are naturally more fearful. And this seems to be the age that it really begins to show. I have 3 kids. They've all been raised the same way. However, I have one that HATES leaving us. We've had to pick her up from sleepovers, and she'll opt out of activities because she doesn't want to be away from us. She worries. She has no real reason to. I would just sit down, several times if need be, and go over what he's afraid of. Explain to him why those fears are unfounded. Have him memorize your phone number (or cell if you have one) and a number of a relative. Let him know that he can call them if for some reason you are 15-20 minutes late picking him up from some where. Eventually, independence will win over as he gets older. Keep taking him to activities where you know he's well taken care of. Do not baby him though. Be very matter of fact about it all, or it will become an attention getting device.
I don’t think it caused by homeschooling. In fact, I think homeschooling helps a child get over these kinds of fears sooner. My son did this very thing. It was very frustrating, and I was baffled until I realized that I had been like him. No one really noticed it with me, because I went to public school. School did not challenge my social fears. The same teacher was there everyday, and I was surrounded by the same kids. Yet I spent two hours with my head buried in a couch when my mother had a friend watch me while she took my brother to the hospital to get stitches. I refused to join Girl Scouts when my mother encouraged me. She forced me to take dance class for one session; I refused to go back for a second. I clung to my mother’s arm when she tried to drop me off at Sunday School. She finally volunteered to teach, so I’d go. I did nothing outside of school. As homeschoolers, I think we put our kids in a greater variety of situations. The problem with that for my son started when he was about six. He was suddenly fearful. After many, many conversation, I figured out that he felt powerless to effectively express his needs to an adult in charge. He repeated two incidents that had really bothered him. One was when he could not convince the adults in charge that he really needed me. He was very tired, possibly coming down with something, and the adults asked him to wait. He didn’t argue and fell asleep waiting for me. When I woke him, he burst into tears. He had needed me, needed to go home, and he felt powerless to make the adults page me even though it would have been an easy thing to do. (Not blaming them BTW; they could not have known.) The second is when an attendant at our gym took a very intimidating stance while correcting him. He had unintentionally frightened a girl by roaring. He and some other boys were playing “dinosaurs”. The girl ran to “tell” on him. My son was frightened and hid. The attendant found him, and I think scolded him more for hiding from her rather than for roaring. I came in at the end of her talk, and she had him trapped up against the wall. She wasn’t touching him, but he was backed against the wall, and she had a hand on either side of him on the wall, leaning down talking into his face. I think she was just trying to make eye contact with him, but her stance was intimidating, and he was scared which is why he was trying to avoid eye contact. I dealt with his fears by listen to all of them even the irrational ones and either explaining why they were irrational or giving him tools for how to deal with those types of situations. We even role played. Using your example of your son worrying that you will forget to pick him up, I don’t tell my son that I won’t forget. He already knows that I’m fallible, so I tell him what to do or what will happen if I am late. My son is almost eight, and he’s going into new situations confidently (most of the time). I was 13 before I did, but even then I was very selective about the activities I choose. As homeschoolers, we have the unique ability to notice and to help our kids over these bumps. I know it can be very frustrating, so I’m wishing you luck and patience!
Perhaps empowering the child by giving them a protocol to follow in the event of an emergency, or a delayed pick up would help alleviate fears. explain that you as parents do everything you can to be there and be there on time or early, but that there is always the chance that the car could break down, or that there might be heavy traffice due to a car accident, a road being blocked by a fallen tree etc. Explain to them what the backup plans would be for an alternative pickup. Some people set up a family password in the event an unplanned person has to pick up the child such as a co-worker or someone from church. Give the student a wallet with a list of contact numbers and some change and a walmart calling card with a few dollars on it. Teach them how to make calls, and about dialing nine to get out etc. How pay phones work etc. THey also make flat emergency whistels that would fitinto a wallet pocket. Also make contact lists of the school offices, payphone on campus, teachers number and cell etc. Ditto for each place your kids are likely to be, for you wallets. Give the student some contact numbers for you work locations, and other places you are likely to be if the other parent is doing the pick up. These small pieces of paper, or even an index card will fit into a wallet. In the mean time try to figure out what is behind the fear. Perhaps there has been an incident that made the child uncomfortable. Sometimes things are not well defined, just creepy and uncomfortable somewhere in there day to day activities. Let them know that if there is a problem, that you will believe them and remove them from the situation and take necessary action.
You have been given some great advice in the above responses. I just wanted to add that I currently work part time in child care at our local Y, and I see this behaivor in many children of all different ages (even up to 9) and these are ps kids.... so I wouldn't worry, this too shall pass!
I just noticed this post, and I wanted to give you a little encouragement. When my daughter was that age, she went through the exact same thing. She would even get scared if she didn't know where I was in the house, such as if I went out in the garage. She would be screaming for me when I got back. I don't think it has a lot to do with homeschooling. It is just the child's personality and the way they think about life. I agree with the others that have said give him a plan of action. Even buy him a cheap Tracfone to keep with him. If I had known that those things were so inexpensive, I would have probably considered that. I also learned not to make a big deal out of it, either way. Not to baby her and sympathize, but also not get too mad when she would get upset. (Even though at times it was embarrassing.) I would just say something like, "Okay, bye. I love ya!" or "Be good, hon." She DID grow out of it, and it was literally like night and day. An example was that she had an awful time in dance class. She was supposed to be there for 2 hours, and I could have gone somewhere with the little guys. However, I almost always stayed there. If I wasn't going to stay...I did NOT tell her. You might not be able to do that, but it worked 20x better for us if she didn't know I was going to the grocery store. Suddenly one day when she was about nine, she said, "You know, it's okay if you need to go to the library or something while I'm at dance." I was like, "Huh? What are you talking about, I thought I had to be there?" She said, "Oh I used to be that way, worried and everything, but not anymore." Go figure. Kerri
Here is something that I forgot to add. It worked well for us, after whatever the incident was, to kind of ignore it. For a while, when she wanted to talk about it, I would go over and over things, telling her why her fears were unfounded...all the examples that should prove that she was wrong. Finally, I decided that was just adding to the problem. So after that, when she would get in the car and start in, "Mama, I was really scared you weren't going to come. Two other moms had already picked up their kids and you weren't there, and...," I would just say, "Oh well, I got there. Do you want to get tacos or burgers?" and change the subject. Maybe girls are more like that, wanting to hash and rehash everything, but anyway, that is what ended up working for at least keeping my sanity. Oh, and I had to start punishing her for the "in the house" thing. If she was caught screaming for me, and she had not first checked every room and closet, including the garage, in a nice, normal voice, she would get a spank. It only happened once.
Mom, my Jeannie went through a similar thing. One day I dropped her off for her 30 minute piano lesson. I planned to go to the bank and drop some books at the library, then come back and wait for Jeannie. This trip would be a big loop of maybe 3 miles, and maybe 20 minutes. Well, I got held up at the bank by an irate customer ahead of me, then I got caught in traffic coming back from the library. I was exactly two minutes late getting Jeannie. Her teacher allowed her to start walking home. As I pulled into the spot, I laid on the horn so Jeannie would turn around and see me. She was bawling her eyes out and scared to death. That happened months ago, but even now she will want to know where I'll be during a class. If she looks and doesn't see me, she wants to know where I was. Being forced to walk home alone from piano- that's how she saw it- really affected her . Maybe this is what yours is trying to cope with. It's scary to young ones when mom or dad isn't right there when they say they will be. I think, too, it's a little worse for the hser who only has mom and dad to rely on. We are their primary caregiver/provider, so it scares them when something out of the ordinary comes up like that.
One thing I would also mention is to watch what he is watching on tv. there maybe something that was very innocent that he took seriously and it scared him. An example: My son when he was little watched the Lion King. Nice and easy kid movie right? He had terrible fear that something would happen to his dad. He would scream and cry when his dad went to work, and have nightmares. It took us forever to figure out what was causing his fears.
To make things easier, as I see this wont be something to 'get over' really fast, buy your son a watch, remind him when you get back what time it will be. This way he does not have to ask the instructor or coach, he can watch the clock on his own.. it may give him freedom to be more involved in playing or what not and not think so much about it.. if you can find one with a timer to it that would probably make it fun. Tell him in detail what you will be doing while he is gone and then when you see him ask him to tell you everything he did. this will help him to understand that life does not revolve around him... Last resort get him a walkie talkie if you are wihtin 22 miles now days they have them that can reachthat far! If he needs to be reasured he can call you on it. Third resort.... try one of those little tape your voice gadgets and tape a message that reminds him that he is okay and you will be back at the normal time.
Everyone has given excellent advice. I too think it is a passing thing. Each of my kids has gone through an afraid period and it was usually between 5 and 8. It is almost like they realize that you are seperate from them and you can go away. then bam! it is something to worry about. I think giving him some role playing is also a great idea. I had a friend call me (a long time ago, said child is now a very well adjusted freshman in College) and ask me to pick up her son when I picked up my daughter at school. The kids were best friends and he had spent the night at our house multiple times. He was 6 and dd was 5. He completely freaked out when I told him he was to go with us. Short of kidnapping, there was no way I could have gotten him off those stairs. (and he was a bigger than avg kid, so I am not sure I COULD have) His mother, who worked a few blocks away had to come pick him up. I don't know what we would have done if it had really been an issue...if no one but me was available. I guess just waited till he was ready to go with me. We laugh about it now. He really is a delightful young man. And later, if we warned him, he would come home with us. He doesn't remember what was going through his mind at the time.
Thanks ladies..I feel alot better and armed with fabulous feedback. This week, when I dropped him to drama class, he started with the "im nervous" and "where are you going to be" routine and I told him that if he acts well, doesnt cry or get upset, that he will get a treat afterwards. He buckled up and said ok. At dismisal, I was the first mom there but when the door cracked open to let the kids out, I saw he was starting to get upset. He saw me right away and settled down. He got his treat of playing on his psp for 10 min. Its kind of embarrasing as the other parents know Im homeschooling and they see my son display this behaviour. I get many raised eyebrows. Anyways, I will try your suggestions...thanks ladies!!!!
