just a silly question about invitations....

Discussion in 'Other Conversation' started by WIMom, Feb 16, 2010.

  1. WIMom

    WIMom New Member

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    Hi All,

    I'm just wondering how things work in your households. When you or your spouse/sig. other get an invitation to a party or event do you both talk it over and decide if that person is going or who will watch the kids? Or do you or your spouse RSVP first without talking to the other spouse? I'm just curious.

    Examples...Let's say your spouse is invited to a bash at a local bar for St. Patrick's Day. Would they talk it over with you first or would they just RSVP that they are going? What if you were invited to a homeschool parent night to discuss curricula over some treats? Would you discuss it with your spouse about you going or just put it on the calendar that you were going to that event that evening?
     
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  3. sloan127

    sloan127 Active Member

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    I never really thought about it.
    I guess if I get invited to something that Freddy is not invited to I go ahead and decide if I want to go and let the host know without asking Freddy. He on the other hand usually runs it by me. He knows that I keep our calendar and know when appointments and obligations are so he doesn't have to keep up with it. He and I rarely go to functions anyway. We are real homebodies. Our church is my main interest outside of home and he is in a motorcycle club that has a yearly camping trip that he and our oldest and our youngest go to with him. Other than that he isn't gone much. We really are boring now that I think about it.
     
  4. eyeofthestorm

    eyeofthestorm Active Member

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    We are weirdos. (That's my disclaimer.)

    Our oldest is 7. We don't go anywhere unless the kids can go. (So far.) There have been a couple work events where we might "ought" to have attended, but at the time either DH or I didn't feel good about leaving the kids with a sitter (we move a lot, so it can take some time to get to know people, our kids as babies would also go through periods of "punishing" us with lack of sleep - no event was worth bringing that on intentionally!).

    So now, we have people to sit, kids happy to be sat, and no where to go. Murphy's law.
     
  5. CrystalCA

    CrystalCA New Member

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    I usually run it by my dh, and he does that as well. I guess it depends on what it is.


    If say the function was on a weeknight and it was homeschool related I RSVP w/out talking to dh, I know he wouldn't care. If it was work related or someone coming into town we run that by each other.

    Your example about the bar RSVP my dh would probably RSVP without asking BUT then when he got home or call from work he would say " is it ok if I go to that or do you/we have plans already?"

    Now I recently was invited to the Policemen's Apprecation Dinner and Awards for neighborhood watch ( which I am a block captian for) and I RSVP'd without talking to dh because I know he would say yes no matter what because he knows how hard I work with the neighborhood watch program. So in that case I didn't need to talk to him first.
     
  6. WIMom

    WIMom New Member

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    Thank you for all the input!
     
  7. MonkeyMamma

    MonkeyMamma New Member

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    We always discuss anything like that. There is no way one of us would accept an invitation without talking it over first.
     
  8. chicamarun

    chicamarun New Member

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    It depends on what it is and WHEN it is.... most stuff is on weekends and we can't go (DH works).... there are some events I have gone to without him and taken the kids and that's fine but honestly I don't like it.

    Stuff on weeknights - if I tell him I am planning on going somewhere - he knows I really want to go if I mention it to him. Like I wanted to go to the Classical Conversations thing - I pretty much said I have a meeting that night and he was fine with that.

    Now though - we can't leave the kids by themselves even though we have a 16 year old because they are in foster care.... so I try and make it so they can go with us if we go anywhere because they would be embarrassed to have a "babysitter" - and then that person needs to have a background check... way too much hassle....
     
  9. crazymama

    crazymama Active Member

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    We almost always discuss things like that, but then there really isn't anywhere that he goes that I don't go with him other than work, and I rarely go anywhere without him.
     
  10. MenifeeMom

    MenifeeMom New Member

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    Our rule is that I can pretty much do what I want while he is at work if I can take the kids or our good friend can watch them (and if we can afford it). Anything that would impact family time we discuss.
     
  11. momofafew

    momofafew New Member

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    It would be discussed unless no had already been said. Sometimes, dh just says no because he is not interested. IF he were to consider going to something that I was not invited to, there would need to be a good reason and he would need to discuss it with me. I do the same for him.
     
  12. momofafew

    momofafew New Member

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    The bash for St Patricks day would probably get a no. Here is the thing...if it were a work thing, with legitimately only work people, then fine. If it were a guy thing, with legitimately only guys, as long as there is nothing questionable about the evening, then it would be ok. Reality is, none of our friends would really do a guy thing only. Things are more of a family thing for us. DH is the boss at work so he doesn't have any coworkers really. Everyone is either his boss or someone he is the boss of. That makes it hard to have guy friends. There was one time where dh had plans to go out with the guys from work after he was laid off. Then, I overheard him talking with someone about it. Turns out, there were women who were going to be there. But DH had told me before it was a guy thing only, no one was bringing wives/girlfriends. I asked him about these women and he stammered about it. That led to a fight and he ended up not going. Later, he realized, I think he did anyway, he claimed he did, that what he was doing was wrong. If he felt the need to lie to me that other women were there, he probably should not have been going. (long story short, but his coworker was having an affair and showed up with his girlfriend at one point after telling everyone to make an event a no-wives thing, not eager for dh to do anything with that guy ever again. that was his previous job though).
     
  13. momofafew

    momofafew New Member

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    I want to add that if someone invited me to go to an event where men and women were, I could never go without dh. It just would not happen. I would expect the same thing of dh. By men and women, I am not meaning a child's party where some dad's brought their children, I mean an event for the adults.
     
  14. leissa

    leissa New Member

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    I'm like some of the other moms on here: we've got nowhere to go. we're old and boring.
     
  15. chicamarun

    chicamarun New Member

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    Oh - DH came called me one night said he was going out with friends and I laughed asking "what friends??" He doesn't LIKE anyone at work enough to go and have a beer with them ;)

    The kids thought it was hilarious "dad was going out"...... no one believed him.....

    Needless to say - he wasn't really going he had just heard about the new bar they were talking about.... but he can't see spending $6 for a beer when he can have 18 at home for $18 ;)
     
  16. fairfarmhand

    fairfarmhand Member

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    For stuff where one of us needs the other to stay with the kids we always try to talk it over. Really, I sometimes forget what else is on the calendar, (he does too sometimes) so it is a good thing to discuss it first. Alot of times I'll tell people that I will tenatively accept something and will get back with them tomorrow if it will not work out.
     
  17. WIMom

    WIMom New Member

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    long...you've probably read before-part 1

    Thanks ladies! It's interesting to see the variety of answers.

    Dh has been getting into the habit of just signing up for things, not telling me until I get a confirmation e-mail or something shows up on our calendar.
    Next week dh will be in D.C. for a volunteer conference and a day after he gets home he will be at a charity bike-a-thon for 6 hours. I didn't know about the bike thing until I got a confirmation e-mail that he was attending. At least I knew about the conference (I found out first through an e-mail of when he was going though)! Yesterday I received a Facebook update confirmation that my hubby was attending a St. Pat's bar party that his brother will be bartending at. I had no idea that my hubby was going to go to a weekend bar party that starts at 9PM and goes until 2 AM! This morning dh said he just told his brother he was coming, but he really isn't going, I guess. That's a relief!

    Maybe all of this info. will explain where my questions are coming from...

    I grew up in a family where my dad would go to meetings for different boards or committees that he was involved in a couple times a month. My mom had a Ladies charity group she would attend once a month or so. Both of my parents and us kids helped political campaigns and political parties as well. There were only a handful of times that I remember that my dad would go out to bars for a function. It just didn't happen that often. My mom wouldn't allow it. My mom was a SAHM. She is very anti drinking and pro family time. She says married women don't go out to bars on Friday and Saturday nights with girlfriends (my sister did this last weekend and my mom found out and had a fit about it...long story). I've been tempted to ask Mom about week nights, but I know what her answer would be. :lol:

    Now, my husband grew up in a family where his parents rarely saw each other because of work, friends, relatives and bars. His dad was/is a workaholic. He keeps busy all the time either working, drinking or doing chores. Dh's mom kept busy with the two boys, working, drinking and hanging out with friends. Both of his parents are very outgoing type A people (not that there is anything wrong with that....just saying). My dh says that his parents were not really involved at all in his or his brother's schooling. They didn't go to parent/teacher conferences or concerts or school functions. Dh had to figure out school and do his homework on his own. I always thought that was rather sad because my parents were involved in my schooling (they are both teachers though).
    Anyway, after twenty seven years of marriage dh's parents divorced.

    When dh and I first had our children we spent just about anytime we had together with the kids or trying to figure out a date night. Dh's previous job took him all over the world and had him working long hours and many weekends. Some functions that dh would go to such as golfing after work related to work, so it wasn't a huge deal most of the time. There was one incident where dh went out with work people and got drunk and we fought about that. He didn't do it again after that though.

    A few years ago dh took a different job mainly because the salary and benefits were better and there was hardly any travel involved (except 2 minor trips). Hubby did warn me that the new job was going to be "a step down" in position, so it could potentially be boring to him. I asked him if maybe he could take up an evening class or something to help out with the boredom of work during the day. He did take a computer class at a local college once a week the first year he worked for this new company. I thought all was wonderful because we had daddy home more and we had more money!
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2010
  18. shelby

    shelby New Member

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    We don't go anywhere unless them kids can come along..... sometimes I will go to a meeting or something..... but we don't go anywhere... we do everything as a family!
     
  19. WIMom

    WIMom New Member

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    part 2

    One day in 2006 hubby woke up and decided to stop eating red meat, corn syrup and refined flour and such. He also decided that day that he was going to start exercising and his goal was to run a marathon! I thought he had gone completely mad! I was so shocked at this change! I did not join him in his goals. Hubby started working out at the gym at work and finding running buddies. He had this whole new group of friends. He wasn't home around supper time because he was jogging at least 3 nights of the week. I started not cooking as much because I didn't know what to make for his new diet and he wasn't home for supper anyway. I mainly just made stuff for me and the kids. Dh did end up losing 55 or 60 lbs and ran a marathon! I was proud that he got to his goal, but oddly enough I thought that meant things would go back to normal some how. Dh's new goal was to do biathlons and triathlons next along with marathons. Hubby found more new friends that were into biking and swimming. He was buying/gathering up equipment (these hobbies are quite expensive) for his new hobbies too. Weekend mornings and some afternoons were turned into either practice runs, bikes or major races. Meanwhile I'm at home with the kids like always. Once in a while dh would tell me that he would stay home with the kids, so I could get out. Sometimes I took him up on it and other times I just felt too burnt out to go anywhere and didn't know where to go or what to do. Other times I felt guilty about giving up family time to go out anywhere.

    This past year dh's goal list has turned into even more. In addition to doing training and races dh decided he wanted to join volunteer boards and do some creative writing. He has been very busy with those now too.

    In the last year dh's job has been horrible. The company was gobbled up by the parent company and it has changed a ton. Hubby survived 3 or 4 rounds of lay offs, but there is more to come in about 2 months. Dh hates his job and wishes he could be doing something else. He feels very stuck. He wants to start his own business one of these days, but doesn't know exactly what and how.

    Anyway, our marriage has not been great in the last year it seems. I've been terrified of dh losing his job. Although, before November I knew that if dh's job did go away we would some how make it through because we loved each other and had great extended family support as well. I think our marriage has been strained for a while now because I feel lonely and abandoned when dh is gone so much. I feel taken for granted that I will always be here to care for the children. It's just assumed it seems.
    I've tried to explain this to dh, but he just tells me that he needs to do this stuff or he will go crazy. He also tells me that he isn't doing too much stuff it's just that I need to get involved in more activities. Maybe that's true.

    In November dh had an e-mail only affair (intimate e-mails) with a lady co-worker. I have been struggling with that ever since I found out. I've gone through so many emotions. I feel like I've been a manic depressive! I'll have a week where I feel like I need to get everything done and I'm extremely anxious and hurried. Then, the next week I'll be a little more relaxed, but saddened. At least I still have those days that are ho-hum and normal. Without those days I would be completely crazy. Each day is getting a bit easier as the months go on. Dh and I have had some really great conversations lately. I thought things were going to change for the better, yet I feel that we are stuck in some sort of strange cycle. Hubby did decide to start running in the mornings, so that we could have suppers together when he is not at evening board meetings. That helps a bit. I told him I would try to make more homemade meals at supper time, so we can all eat together on those nights that he doesn't have meetings. We are working on our marriage, but there are days when it's a real struggle. Yesterday afternoon I started doubting things again when dh signed up for a bar party without talking to me first.
    whew....
    wow...thanks for letting me vent here. I don't know why, but I feel so comfortable telling you all of this. I know you are supportive and kind people. Anyway, please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you!
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2010
  20. KrisRV

    KrisRV New Member

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    Sounds like you and hubby need a date night once week, I would sit down and tell him if you have time for all that stuff you need time for me and kids too.
    I want to say its great he is doing all this stuff, but he shouldn't forget his family, the children will be gone before he blinks his eyes and he is miss everything.
    If it was me I would sit down and tell him nicely this is what is going on and this is how I feel. You need to tell him how you feel, and don't leave anything out.
    Marriage takes two not one. Yes, there are times and days its harder then others but with each other help you can get through it.
    DH needs to know he has a family and children that come first. Sometimes that is hard for people to understand.
    About going to parties with out you, no way would I allow that with his pass affair. If he can't take you he can't go.
    But, then again DH and I always talk over everything before we say yes or no to anyone. If someone ask him or me we tell them we have to check with our wife or husband. Or like DH likes to say the boss. Thats ok I like being the boss. LOL

    Anyway hang in there and tell him what you are feeling.
     
  21. crazymama

    crazymama Active Member

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    It does sound like you have a lot to work through, both you yourself, and the you the couple, as does he have things to work through himself.

    As crazy as this may sound, the email affair would have most likely been the end for me, esp considering it seems he is constantly finding all these things to take him away from your home life... that really seems fishy to me. I have told my hubby from the beginning, one move in the wrong direction when it comes to other women and it would be over, there would be no compromise to my rules there. I have been cheated on in the past, I will not live that nightmare again! In fact, while I was pregnant with Cameron I found that hubby was looking at girls sites on myspace and was checking out some porn model chick on every site he could find her on. That alone was almost the final straw.. we worked through a lot to put things back in place.. and I am very open to him that I check EVERYTHING.. his mail, myspace, facebook, phone and the computer history get checked at least every few days by me.. and this has been over a year ago now! I also am very careful to never put myself into the position that he may think something is going on. He swears he trusts me and if I have guy friends it's fine with him because he knows even if someone tried something with me I would put a stop to it, but I don't even want to have the chance of anything looking strange. Hubby has a friend whose wife somehow has hubby's cell #, she is forever sending him things about friendship and love.. you know like crappy emails that people forward a million times.. and honestly even though he doesn't respond to them I don't like it, but am not sure how to stop it.... oh and she added hubby as a friend on facebook and the other day she made it a point to post on hubby's wall that she posted pics of her new tatoo (which looks like crap and is on her shoulder, so nothing I'm worried about) and wanted him to post pics of himself in the snowfort he built with the kids. Hubby didn't comply.. but man if he would have I would have knocked him into next year. the strange thing is her dh looks a bit like my hubby, but honestly my hubby looks much better.. oh and brushes his teeth.. but she and her kid don't do that so maybe it's not important to her?

    Ok.. rant off. ((hugs))
     

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