Pray for him as you think of it please He was involved in an alcohol related accident on Monday afternoon and rear ended another vehicle with 3 passengers in it. Everyone was sent to the hospital and to my understanding has since been released but trying to get any information from the police is like pulling teeth or looking for a needle in a hay stack because I was not directly involved in it (they won't give me information about it as the daughter-in-law but the media is reporting it.... ummm, what???). He will likely be charged (good! maybe he'll learn... but I doubt it) but it won't stop him from driving.... he has been caught for impaired driving in the past and drove without a license for years. My FIL doesn't even remember the accident (there's some dementia involved in this whole mess). He's living in deplorable conditions... no running water, no electricity, no proper sewage. When we picked him up from the regional hospital yesterday his first words in the van were he was going to need to be in a home sooner than later. As we drove, my husband talked to him about everything happening (I admittedly said very little because I was spitting nails so mad about it all and I knew enough to keep quiet). We weren't 20 miles up the road and my husband asked his dad if he wanted us to start the placement process and his father flipped (in that short a distance, he didn't remember saying anything about it). He doesn't remember having an accident... he thinks he was pulled over for being impaired.... umm, no! you slammed into the back of another vehicle. As we drove home, he howled in pain and we decided to take him to our local hospital to be assessed (again). After a couple hours, they discharged him home (I think they thought he was coming home with us - they gave me strong meds for him if he needed them in the night). We tried to talk him into coming home with us and he was going to - until he remembered his dogs and wanted to get home to them so against our better judgment, we took him home. I have made a phone call to his family physician hoping to get this going - his father is no longer safe to remain in his 'home' setting. He is a safety hazard to himself and to those around him because he lacks the judgement to make good decisions. I'm waiting for them to call me back with an appointment for us to go meet with them and get this going, in the meantime, I'm making another call to adult protection. Adult protection will go investigate and see the conditions he lives in but if he asks them to leave, they have to (unless he is deemed to be incapable of making those decisions for himself.... he isn't but there's no testing done yet to show he has dementia of some kind - even though we all know it). It was difficult to leave him last night knowing he was in pain (likely from bruising - xrays and CT scans didn't show any broken bones), difficult knowing he has no means of getting to the pharmacy to pick up his pain medication and then knowing he may have enough pain that he won't follow the directions on the bottle and take more than he should. If you've made it to the end of this long post, I thank you. Please be praying as you think of this. I kind of chuckle a little bit at this.... we seem to function better when we're in high stress situations (maybe because we're so accustomed to them). It's through these knee bending character building trials that we emerge as stronger, better people but man! they are painful at the time.
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" THAT verse has become one of my favorite verses that keeps me grounded. Another favorite one is the promise that He won't give me more than I can handle. This is all unsettling but we're doing ok.... I know my husband is struggling harder with it because it's his dad and he hates to see him like this. I've made the call to adult protection and gave them all the information I can possibly give them backing it up with examples - they asked for signs of the dementia... he lets the dogs out and forgets he did, can't remember two of his sister's visiting a couple weeks ago, etc. I also told them I have fears that he will abuse his pain medication and gave reasons for it. I have to go up to see him today because he gave me his wallet last night to hang on to and I forgot to give it back to him when we dropped him off. They asked me to call back and update them if there were any changes in him. How wild that my client from work was admitted to the hospital on Monday night and while it puts a financial stresser on us, maybe this is God's way of freeing me up to see that my father in law gets the care he needs. I will praise Him in the storm
Updating to add, my father in law is back in the hospital for pain management. We're getting varying reports of what is and isn't happening with him as far as a diagnosis and it's wearing on us (liver failure/surgery and a slew of other stuff none of which are good).
Oh Brenda, how awful! There are few situations more stressful or heartbreaking than dealing with an elder loved one whose mind is slipping. It's just brutal...on all involved. While a case can be made that people have every right to make their own choices, no matter how self destructive.....it sounds like this has moved into a whole different arena. He's endangering others, and is a danger to himself. He's unquestionably in need of assisted living at this point (and likely has been for some time). You and your husband will have to employ Herculean strength to follow through on this, for his sake, and for the safety of others. Sadly, there is no going back. He cannot have access to a car at this point. It's not going to be easy. Your husband needs to start the legal process to achieve guardianship of his father (if he hasn't already done so) so he can access his dad's health information and guide his transition into assisted care. Attempting home care, in my opinion, would be a mistake, given the conditions you are describing. If he could be moved to a functional safe residence near you (or your home), home care might be an option...but trying to care for a man who is this ill under the conditions you're describing would be impossible. Conceivably, his home could be cleaned up, and systems repaired as much a possible (even if utilities can't be fully restored, you might be able to get by with a port-a-jon, generator, potable water supply)....but his conditions NEED to be livable and sanitary. Sometimes churches will help with these sorts of drastic efforts....as a community project. Sadly, from what you are describing, it does not sound like a long-term situation ahead. He sounds very ill. If I may make a request...please do everything possible to care for his pets and retain his access to them for at least visits. Pets mean the world to the elderly. They become deeply attached. Taking his pets away would be so painful for him. Do all that is possible to preserve his relationship with them, it's truly important. I'm so sorry for your circumstances. I hope things become more clear, and you, your husband and his father get some much needed help with this situation. You have my thoughts and prayers. Please update.
If you FIL is over 65 and on medicare, he could be released to a nursing home for physical therapy. The first so many days (20) there are covered at 100 percent as long as he does PT while he is there. Discuss this option with your FIL's phycisian while he is still in the hospital. He will have to be admitted to the hospital for parts of 3 days to qualify. There are social/case workers at hospitals who can go over your options for medicaid and medicare covered arrangments. If you could get him to the Nursing home, he would have time to detox and you would have time to think and research longer range options. Google alcoholic dementia. Prayers sent.
I've been up to the hospital a couple times today. Before I went up this morning, adult protection called me to tell me they were assigning a social worker to my FIL (Praise the Lord!). I didn't have time to figure out who it was or talk to them today and it's on my (lengthy) list to do tomorrow. A social worker was in to see him at the hospital today (bless her.... they gave him AA meeting information. :roll: While I appreciate their effort, at 66 years old he isn't interested in it). Vantage, we live in Canada and our system is a little different as far as long term placement funding. We don't have Power of Attorney documentation.. yet and that will be the only thing that hinders us in this process right now. We learned that his dogs were taken to the animal shelter north of where he lives and someone went to pick them up today and are looking after them for him. THAT took a lot of worry away from him. When I got to the hospital this morning, I spoke to his nurse and told her every version of the story we have heard and asked her to clarify it for me. He is being treated for a urinary tract infection, his oxygen levels were lower when he went in but they weren't 25% as we had been told (they were lower because he was having so much pain he wasn't deep breathing). I didn't get a clear picture on the liver story - I'm going up early tomorrow morning and going to talk to his doctor to ask him about it.... there was something about his liver on his CT scan and they haven't looked deep enough to figure that out. They're working on pain management for him and they're also treating the alcohol withdrawal. We were back up after dinner tonight and he's as confused now as he was earlier (no surprise to me). My husband is struggling to see his dad this bad, he's really struggling with the idea that he needs placement but he also knows it's in his father's best interest. We've also told his dad (not that he will remember) that we're looking into a home for him. "Will you pick me up and take me for a drive sometimes?" I could have cried when he said that. This is a hard journey for my husband, he isn't coping well with everything (he's trying to hide it but I know him far better than that). Please keep my husband in your prayers.
Prayers for all of you. What a difficult situation. It's heartbreaking. So glad to hear someone is looking after his pets. Will help him so much to know they're being cared for. I know it seems like a silly concern, but they probably mean the world to him. Hope you get a diagnosis soon. That degree of pain is disconcerting. Alcohol withdrawal for a serious drinker can be dangerous, too. I feel so bad for your husband.
Actually I didn't think it was a silly concern, his dogs are the world to him and if he didn't have them (or access to them), it would do far more harm than good. Animal therapy is actually used in many long term care facilities because of its therapeutic effect.
GULP My wonderful husband told the ER staff yesterday he's thinking about bringing his dad here to live with us (before we've had time to talk about it or pray through it) as opposed to long term care placement. I'm suddenly scared out of my mind. The discharge planner just called me and said that he is physically ready for discharge so we can take him home when ever. We have the room for hm to sleep in, we just need a single bed. I'm scared out of my mind and right now I'm thinking about our home this week... this is graduation week and we have a lot on the go. Oh God give me the strength to get through this. We had a lot to do before this - this just makes it more complicated than it was before. PLEASE be praying
Oh wow...talk about tough timing. With luck, it'll go better than expected.....but yeah, I totally understand your concerns. That is a difficult sudden adjustment for ALL involved. Just do your best. Keep communicating when you hit the bumps. Do your best to compromise within reason. But don't be a door mat and give yourself an ulcer, either. Keep talking to your husband about what works and what needs work. Personally, excessive drinking around the kids...would be a big problem. That would be a deal breaker for me. Addressing that one is going to be seriously tough. What's the prognosis on his health? Are we talking long term, or a very short term situation? Enjoy the graduation and try not to get overwhelmed. Easier said than done, I know. Do your best. If you have a human moment where you lose your mind for a minute and get loud and honest...lol...forgive yourself and keep moving forward. It's going to be ok.
What an insane day yesterday was but I'm here today standing strong because of the Grace of God! It would appear that the discharge planner and hospital social worker are trying to pull one over on us (reminds me of a child pitting mom and dad against each other). I'm not sure how they called my husband but it was in that conversation that he had mentioned that he was thinking about bringing his dad here with us. After that phone call, she went to the ER and was told that he was physically able to be discharged and then called me with the story she had to tell that would put me into a tail spin. I went to the hospital and marched myself right up to SW and DP offices (side by side) because I had been playing phone tag with both of them. The SW was on the phone with the adult protection social worker and she turned around to ask the DP to come in when she saw me and I was in on the conversation. Two separate 20 minutes conversations and these two ladies have deemed he is competent to make his own choice :shock: I was told if he said he wanted to go back to his home, there was nothing that could be done about it because he was able to make that decision for himself. They were going to offer in home relief care for a period of 30 days while his long term care assessment was completed (which hasn't even been started). I went to visit my client who is still in the hospital and then I went down to see my FIL. It broke my heart that he (FIL) didn't even know who I was (he thought I was the discharge planner). He had taken his arm bands off earlier in the day, he was dressed and had left the hospital for a period of a couple hours thinking he was discharged. They had to send a search party looking for him. And this, you tell me, is a competent man?!? Anyway, my FIL said he was going to his own home with his dogs. I tried to talk him out of that and coming to us but he said no he wanted to look after his dogs on his own (he isn't able to bring them here). I left absolutely frustrated, called my husband who was just as upset about it (he was ready to throw the towel in and wash his hands of all of it - to the point where he had his name removed as next of kin). We called his friend who bolted out the door to go get him. I called the ER and told them a friend of his was coming to pick him up to bring him to his own living conditions and the nurse put a stop to it. His Dr said the only way he could be discharged was into the care of someone else, that he requires supervised living now because "he lacks the proper mental processes to make clear decisions". I have no idea where SW or DP got the idea from that could go where ever he wanted to go or where he is competent if the doctor is saying otherwise. They've kept him in overnight (as planned) and they have OT coming in this morning to do a mini mental assessment on him which will give us a baseline of his mental status. He is being referred to a gerontologist to have the more in-depth assessment done (as an out patient). I was as close to another breakdown yesterday (no kidding) as I was after dad died last year. When all of this was happening last night, I posted on Facebook "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" SEVERAL lines in one status and said I needed to keep reminding myself of this. I updated 2 aunts and my sister-in-law (an aunt who turns her nose up on him because she doesn't like his lifestyle) and then I called my SIL. We talked for quite awhile and afterwards I was more relaxed and at peace with everything than I had been all day - tell me God doesn't still answer prayer. ONLY because of His mercy last night was I able to go to bed and sleep with peace of mind. Today is prom day!! I am going to get my FIL after lunch but today is about my son and his accomplishment! The tears that flow from my cheeks today WILL be tears of joy. Thank you all for upholding us in prayer :love:
Updating to say: I went to pick up my FIL yesterday and his discharge has been postponed for a couple days so they can do more assessments (psychological assessments and some other tests). The doctor did a mini mental assessment on him yesterday, he barely passed but he did. My FIL is refusing to come home with us (because of the dogs) and so I told the social worker I will arrange for someone else to pick him up and bring him back to his place - we won't be the ones to do it because of the way he chooses to live. Frustrating that we have to stand back and watch this happen but he's still able to make some decisions (no matter how inappropriate they may be). Please continue to pray for this as you think of it :love:
I did fine (with tear production) until Andrew and his date climbed into the back seat of the fire rescue truck..... then I couldn't see through tears to take pictures :lol: I just changed the setting of the pictures on my Facebook page if you want to see some of the pictures I took last night. WOW!! Tomorrow night he will graduate from high school!! So very much to be thankful for
