I guess that's what it is... idk. Around here, middle school starts in 5th grade. So our youth group at church starts in 5th grade. They do divide into two groups for the lesson, so it's age-appropriate. All children's church activities are for 4th grade and down. So if I didn't let Eli be a part of the youth group, he wouldn't have anything church-related to do. Service starts at 6:30 Wednesday nights, but they open the doors for games, fellowship, and food at 4:30. They sell pizza by the slice, drinks, and other snacks. I always give Eli $5 so he can get whatever he wants. From day 1, he was using at least $1 to buy something for some other kid (not the same kid every time). I appreciate that he's generous, but after a while, it felt like he was being taken advantage of. Three weeks ago, I gave him a $20 because he was supposed to order his shirt for $15. He brought back $2. I went to pick up his shirt Sunday and, guess what? He didn't have one ordered. He spent the shirt money on other kids!!! Now, I know he's 10. I realize he thinks buying stuff for other kids will get him friends. But even after I specifically told him not to, he bought a slice of pizza for another kid tonight! How do I stop this! I mean, I hesitate to punish him for being generous, but I don't want him to think it's ok to try to buy friendship. And do I bring in the leaders to the mix? If he's supposed to be mature enough for youth group, shouldn't they not have to babysit him? [I've already told him that he owes me $15 worth of work; so that part of the punishment is covered.]
I totally get what you are saying. My oldest son gives away money and toys to friends and kids he has just met. It is very difficult to balance being generous and not allowing people to take advantage of you. Do you know for sure he is using this to buy friendship? I don't really know how to deal with that other than explaining that you can't buy a true friend. Other than that, life experience might be the best teacher. Could you make him work for the weekly $5 so that it is his to spend how he wants? That way, it is his money and you can let go. Are you possibly feeling like you are being taken advantage of? Right now it is your money being spent in a way you haven't authorized. I don't mean to offend, I'm speaking from my own experience and I've had to let things go before and realize that if something belongs to my son, he has every right to give it away if he chooses and I can't project my feelings of being taken advantage of onto him. This may not apply to you at all, and in which case ignore me.
That might be the best idea; I sure can't come up with one! Maybe give him just the amount he would need to buy HIMSELF the pizza, so if he buys for someone else, he wouldn't get one...?
No advice, but we've had a similar situation with our oldest. Only hers was with giving to the church. We give the kids allowance every other week and we have asked them to tithe on it, so for my older kids it would be $1 every other week. Dd14 felt guilty not putting anything in the offering on the weeks she didn't get allowance, so she would put in $1 EVERY week instead. No big deal, except that sometimes she didn't have a $1 bill, so she's put in a $5. Then, she decided that she needed to put something in on Wednesday nights too. So, even though she never bought anything, she never had any money. But when it came time to go on youth group outings, etc, she expected us to pay her way. How can you say, "sorry, but you gave all your money to God, so now you can't go"? KWIM? So, for now, I keep all the kids' allowance in my room and only give them access to it when they need something. I've told them that when I actually GIVE it to them, then they can tithe on it. The only thing I can think of for your son is to maybe give him less money. If he only has $2-3 he won't have extra to give away. Of course, I have kids who do without for themselves if they thought someone else needed their money more... I just had a thought...maybe you could give him all the money up front for the month and tell him when it's gone, it's gone. If he gives it all away in the first week or two and then has to do without for the rest of the month, maybe he'll think twice the next time about how he spends his money. Sometimes experience is the best teacher...
I should say that $5 should be what it takes for him to eat. Drinks are $.50 each and he's there for 4 hours, so I would assume 2 drinks. Then slices are $1 each and, at home, he eats 5-6 pieces! This kid's a real big eater; always has been. Now that he has an appetite again, it's even bigger. Plus there are chips and snack cakes. So I figure $1 for drinks, $2-3 for pizza, and $1-2 for other junk. He NEVER gets junk food at home, so this was supposed to be his "big boy" chance to splurge on junk. Instead, he's buying 1 drink and 1-2 slices and giving away the rest. He comes home starving. He wasn't even in the van last night when he asked if we had dinner leftovers because he was hungry. I'll talk with DH about having him work for his money.
You might point out to your son that his friend's parents might not appreciate him giving their kids money to get extra food or drink. They may be trying to keep their kids on a certain diet [only so much of anything], and he's encouraging them to do an end-run around their parents. I think of this fact, by the way, because I know of a family who is very particular about what and how much their kids eat. If your son thinks about things in that perspective, it might help him think more before spending it on someone else. Just an idea!
I wonder if he is offering to buy stuff or if others are asking him to buy stuff...... I wonder if there is a story you can relate to this so he can tell for himself if people are using him..... or if a kid really needs something..... He might need to see that its nice to share but not nice if someone is taking advantage of him
I kind of wonder if it has become a situation of being taken advantage of, too. I LOVE seeing my kids willing to give to others (even if it means they do without). I think it shows a servant's heart. BUT, you want to make sure that's what's going on. It's kind of a hard situation...he needs to make sure he has enough to eat, yet you don't want to squash his desire to give (if that's what it is).
Are you sure he's using it to just give to other kids? I mean...I guess I'm sorta a pessimist on these things, but are you sure he's not being "bullied" or "guilted" into getting them something? Kids with soft hearts (speaking from experience) are very easy to guilt into getting things. Being in the house of God and having that spiritual influance above you can be pressure as well to give and give and give (like I kinda saw in TiffHarmon's post). Just speak to him (or have his dad speak to him) about how it's ok to be generous and it's a great asset to have a generous heart, but not everyone feels the same way you do. It might be time to introduce him to the evils of beign used, unfortunately. Call it how you see it. If you know some of the kids he's giving food away to then you might be more apt to judge his reasonings.
I don't know about other weeks, but last night, he wasn't asked. The other boy informed Eli that he had no money and Eli bought him food. He kept saying, "I offered because I didn't want him to be hungry." But it sounded like he was manipulated. Which is, of course, a form of bullying. And we already had a lengthy conversation about "the evils of being used" BEFORE he went last night.
I understand it is difficult to see our children taken advantage of and the urge to step in and protect them. Parents can talk and lecture on how to take up for ourselves but most of the time this is a hard lesson each of us must learn on our own. If this is a situation where you feel you need to protect him by telling him how he must spend the money, then if he disobeys and comes home hungry too bad. (Now, this is your son who has been so ill recently, correct? In that case maybe this wouldn't be wise, I don't know. I'm just answering the what would I do part of the question. ) If you tell him to only spend it on himself and he insists on disobeying, maybe he isn't mature enough yet. Maybe he should miss out for a while until he can handle the responsibility. I don't know. What I would do may or may not work for other families. It's hard to give any sort of advice since I don't know your son at all and you are the expert. It's a tough situation for sure. I do know that he sounds like a very kind hearted young man and that is a very good thing.
