Inappropriate Dress at Church

H

heartsathome

New Member
I go to a rather conservative church. I love my church. My problem is with one of the members and her 14 yo daughter. They are both VERY well endowed and pretty. They dress like hookers though and it is very bothersome. Our pastor has preached as recently as a week ago on this again and they still don't cover up. They let their breasts hang out of everything. It actually bothers me more with the dd since she is ony 14.

My problem is I guess I need to confront them because it bothers me SO much. My husband, being unsaved, makes comments when he does visit and "judges" our church based on the fact they "let" her dress that way.

I am not sure why nobody has the courage to go up to her and say something. I think I am intimidated. How do you approach the matter with someone who will likely not take it humbly? I am afraid the "old", pre-saved bully that I was will come out if she gets snippy and I may punch her if she gets in my face...lol, just kidding, I think!

No, seriously, any tips?
 
that is a very hard place to be in. My hubby would tell me that if we had someone wearing somthing low, that he could see it from the pulpet while he preached and it became very upsetting to him. So he would look at me the whole time and not on that side of the church.

I would tell her that you are offended by her dress, as lovely as possible.

Maybe have your pastor's wife talk with her and show scriptures again... on why you dont dress like that.

I will pray with you about this....
 
Could you offer them a sweater? Seriously, I don't have any idea how you should handle this. It seems like something a group of sweet ladies should approach her about in love. That way it doesn't get out of hand. I do NOT think it is something the pastor or another male leader should address. Too much risk for harrasment claims. I'm not sure how I would handle it if it were me. Touchy subject. I would be interested in knowing how you do handle it, if it comes to that. Just for future reference.
 
Unless you or your husband are leaders within the church, I would not say anything and would mind your own business. JMO.

You say your church is pretty conservative, so I am wondering what your version of 'dressing like hookers' is. Some people would say that wearing jeans to church is offensive, but in our church nobody cares. A good friend of mine within our church body has dreadlocks (use to actually) and ear plugs (those wide earrings that stretch out your lobes) and plays the drums on Sunday morning like that in his jeans. It's normal to us, but probably wouldn't be at your church from what I am gathering. My point...everyone has a different opinion of what inappropriate is.

Not that I am defending any kind of true inappropriate dress, but sometimes our version of inappropriate is different from the next person's. Also, having come from a family where most people are 'gifted' in that area (everyone but me actually), I know how hard it can be to cover yourself up completely.

If this is an issue where it has people completely distracted from worshipping while they are at church (which it would then obviously be an issue IMO), then it should be someone in leadership that brings it to her attention. If it's not to the level of distraction and only about a matter of opinion, then I don't think anyone should say anything. Again...JMO.

ETA: I also want to add that you never know a person's financial distress or anything else they may be going through either. For all you know, they may not be able to afford clothes. You just never know what a person is dealing with beyond those church walls. Unless you know her really well...I would not say anything to her personally.
 
My question is what do you call dress like hookers? Are they wearing tube tops or merely low cut tops? And does the church have a dress code?
 
heartsathome said:
My problem is I guess I need to confront them because it bothers me SO much. My husband, being unsaved, makes comments when he does visit and "judges" our church based on the fact they "let" her dress that way.

?
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I grew up going to church when wearing pants to church was evil:)

I try very hard not to be critical or judging regarding church attire.

But I do see to much skin in church these days, halter top dresses, sun dresses with spaghetti straps, strapless dressed, mini skirts. My dad called me a tramp one day because I wore pants to Church. Be honest in the day we had to wear a sweater or little bolero type cover up we would never think of going to church dressed as most do today

I guess what I am saying as Churches have become less "legalistic" and more open it is hard to have a "standard Church dress" I also believe when someone has a real Christian heart conversion then "God" convicts them of their dress and modesty.

I am guessing this women is not a Christian or in the least a very immature Christian. You need to step back and see her in this light and ignore her dress.

And as your husband not being a Christian he is going to judge everyone about something because he doesn't have the "love of Jesus" in his heart.

My DH just got saved last year and he always had some comment to make about my church until he had a heart change.

So in my opinion you just really need to pray about your feeling and see how God leads you. Maybe you can become her Friend and through your own modesty she may adopt a different style of dress.
 
There is a preacher here who's wife dresses like a hooker. She is in her late 50's, rather large women, wears staletto heels, goth white make up, red lips, spandex and breasts hanging out. She really grosses me!

(((( ))))
 
IMO, it doesn't say anything about her heart or if she is a Christian or 'young Christian'. That's pure judging. Everyone has different convictions, no matter how young or new you are to your faith. I've been saved since I was 19, and I'm sure there are people who would look at me with a glare at a few of the things I do. Someone else's convictions are not always going to match my own and it doesn't mean a person is more or less of a Christian because of it. I don't think it's fair to judge anyone's heart based on how they dress, no matter how inappropriate one may think it is.
 
I would approach the older, well-respected women of the congregation (especially an elder's wife or something like that). Older women are instructed to teach younger women. Get their advice. That's what they're there for. Perhaps they're already addressing the issue, or perhaps their husbands (or whoever is in charge of leading the flock) are alredy addressing the issue. "Wise as serpants but harmless as doves" comes to mind.

We had one dressing like that a while back, and she very obviously stood out (also a conservative church). She was a very new Christian and felt no shame the way Adam & Eve did when they realized they weren't covered. God felt that even the coverings they made for themselves weren't good enough, so he made them coats of skin... fully covered. Many people don't understand this. Think of all the people in the world who wouldn't dream of answering the door in their bra, but they'd go to a public pool in a bikini. What's the difference? Perhaps the people in question really DON'T know it's wrong to dress in a way that offends other and/or might tempt men/boys to sin.

Find out if someone is already working one-on-one with them, and then say something if necessary.

And since the question wasn't answered... my own personal definition of "dressing like a hooker" is any type of dress that is meant to entice men in a public setting (and by entice, I don't mean looking nice, I mean looking like an invitation to watch in lust as you walk by ... whether it's hanging out or so tight the clothing implies what's underneath). As Christians, women are told to adorn themselves in modest apparel, and we're to keep unspotted from the world. Men should fall in love with our hearts, not our va-voom. We shouldn't really be noticed at all based on the way we're dressed.
 
heartsathome said:
My problem is I guess I need to confront them because it bothers me SO much. My husband, being unsaved, makes comments when he does visit and "judges" our church based on the fact they "let" her dress that way.
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No, you don't need to confront them if it bothers you. This issue could easily offend and cause a much bigger issue than just clothing. It is after all - just clothing. As Christians our aim should be to look toward the heart and not the outward appearance. If they are dressing inappropriately then let the Holy Spirit do His job. If we are doing our job as Christians our churches should be filled with people dressing inappropriately anyway, right?
 
Embassy said:
If we are doing our job as Christians our churches should be filled with people dressing inappropriately anyway, right?
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I love that! You are absolutely right!

When we moved, one of the reasons I hesitated to start visiting new churches was because I wasn't sure which churches approved of which type of dress. I grew up in a church where it was a "sin" for ladies to wear pants/jeans to church-ever. Even if a brand new visitor came and was wearing pants, by the end of the service, several of the older ladies would have made sure that this person knew not to come back unless they were dressed "appropriately". And then they wondered why people never came for a second visit.:roll:
 
northernmomma said:
My question is what do you call dress like hookers? Are they wearing tube tops or merely low cut tops? And does the church have a dress code?
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Size F breasts that are in a push up bra and literally ALL cleavage showing, with a skirt often just under the butt cheeks!

That vivid enough? lol! :eek:

It even makes my 10 yo dd uncomfortable. I know others in church have an issue because I hear about problems with imodesty. Why do non of us have the courage to approach her?

They are both likely causing men and boys to stumble with lustful thoughts.
 
I should mention this, because it was brought up in some responses: they are members, been attending for over 3 years, they have money and dress in designer aparrel, so it is not an issue of them being visitors or not have enough money to afford clothing.

They claim Christ and serve in various ministries. One of them most recently - helping in Children's Church. Maybe that is why I think it ok to approach them, they are in with my children. I think of all the 10+ boys who are prob having inappropriate thoughts of the 14 yo's revealing tops and it makes me sick.
 
It's the responsibility of leadership to confront this. And I WOULD express your concern to the leadership.

In our old church, we had a woman who dressed inappropriately on stage with our Worship Team. One guy in particular, an "established member" in our church, spoke with the leadership about it. Nothing was done. He told them that if she was up there again dressed like that, he'd walk out. And he did. Got up in the middle of a song (with his good-size family) and left. Didn't come back, either.

However, I do agree with Jen. There is a difference between someone young in the Lord and someone who is established and knows better. But a person who is in ministry, especially with children, should know better. The church needs to establish some standards for its leadership.
 
Embassy said:
No, you don't need to confront them if it bothers you. This issue could easily offend and cause a much bigger issue than just clothing. It is after all - just clothing. As Christians our aim should be to look toward the heart and not the outward appearance. If they are dressing inappropriately then let the Holy Spirit do His job. If we are doing our job as Christians our churches should be filled with people dressing inappropriately anyway, right?
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I totally agree with this.

Honestly...if it's that obvious from your description, how can others and the leadership not have noticed, esp. by now? I would think that if the leadership had an issue with it then something would have already been dealt with. And if the leadership has not said anything then they obviously have reasons. I completely believe in picking your battles, and IMO, clothing is not a battle to be picked unless it's really extreme. Considering her chest size...it's truly hard to cover them up like I think you are expecting her. Again, JMO.
 
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Doesn't the Bible say that if you have an issue with a fellow believer, you are to go straight to them first? Only bringing in another believer for support if the offender doesn't respond well?

So why all this talk of bringing in church leadership or the older ladies in the church? Don't we have a duty to face an issue head-on, with maturity and love?

And I don't remember any verse that says to simply ignore it when a sister is out of line. Could someone please share that verse with me?
 
Actressdancer said:
Doesn't the Bible say that if you have an issue with a fellow believer, you are to go straight to them first? Only bringing in another believer for support if the offender doesn't respond well?

So why all this talk of bringing in church leadership or the older ladies in the church? Don't we have a duty to face an issue head-on, with maturity and love?

And I don't remember any verse that says to simply ignore it when a sister is out of line. Could someone please share that verse with me?
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well said! my thoughts exactly!!!
 
Actressdancer said:
Doesn't the Bible say that if you have an issue with a fellow believer, you are to go straight to them first? Only bringing in another believer for support if the offender doesn't respond well?

So why all this talk of bringing in church leadership or the older ladies in the church? Don't we have a duty to face an issue head-on, with maturity and love?

And I don't remember any verse that says to simply ignore it when a sister is out of line. Could someone please share that verse with me?
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This is what I wanted to say, just didn't get it typed in before you did! I would say something to her.
 
JenPooh said:
Considering her chest size...it's truly hard to cover them up like I think you are expecting her. Again, JMO.
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I agree it poses more of a challenge, but not impossible. I am pretty large in that area and find it not easy to keep them covered up with the clothing choices avail nowadays, but I make it happen....especially at church. Cleavage should not be displayed at church...period. JMO!
 
Actressdancer said:
Doesn't the Bible say that if you have an issue with a fellow believer, you are to go straight to them first? Only bringing in another believer for support if the offender doesn't respond well?

So why all this talk of bringing in church leadership or the older ladies in the church? Don't we have a duty to face an issue head-on, with maturity and love?

And I don't remember any verse that says to simply ignore it when a sister is out of line. Could someone please share that verse with me?
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Being completely out of line is one thing. Having an opinion about someone is clearly another, IMO. This is about a matter of opinion, if you ask me. Perhaps I would think differently if I saw it for myself, but unless I do I am not going to assume the worst and will chalk it up to just having a difference in opinion about appropriate dress.

The church leadership is there for many reasons...one of them is to keep the church from dividing bridges and to keep the peace. Why even have church leadership if we aren't going to let them do their job? People often get very offended very easily, and because of the sensitive nature of the issue I do not think it's appropriate for someone to say something, esp. if the OP does not know the person well. If the church leadership has chosen to not say anything (which they would have by now if it's that obvious), then it is OUR duty as church members to trust the leadership and how they handle situations.

If GOD feels you should talk to her...HE will give you an open door to say something. If God does not give you an open door, then I don't think you should try opening it yourself. People often take matters into their own hands without waiting for God to open a door. This results in listening to a voice other than God...which will never end nicely.
 
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