my niece and her daughter

C

cabsmom40

Active Member
I love my niece and her daughter, but my niece is driving me nuts. She is living here and doing NOTHING and I mean nothing. She doesn't cook, clean, or help in anyway.

She doesn't even really interact with her daughter much at all. Unless you count telling her what to do while she is on her phone constantly. There have been a couple of times since she has been here that she has interacted with her daughter in an engaging way. Sometimes it will be a long time before she gives her a bath. I step in and give her one sometimes and I don't mind, but it is not my job.

The weird thing is that my niece is going into social work. Doesn't she see that this is neglect. Ok, so maybe it is not so severe that her daughter would be taken away, but it is a form of neglect. Her daughter is more whiny and restless when she is around her mom.

I try to plant seeds of suggestions. For instance, when the little one is restless, I suggest having a routine and doing something with her at certain times of the day. I am not suggesting minute by minute schedule- just a predictable flow of events. I have also suggested that she include her in more things. One time, she was basically telling her daughter to leave us alone when a few of us were playing a game. I told her just let her "play" with a few of the pieces and join the conversation and such. Kids like to be included. One of my fondest memories of my dad is when they were playing a card game with some friends- he took the time and answered all my questions and didn't shoo me away.

I make an extra effort to play with the little one and we have a good time. She also has a lot of other good relatives that do things with her. I just want her mom to see that she and her daughter can have a lot of fun together (without the phone.)
 
First I want to say how lucky that little one is to be near YOU. And some other relatives who do stuff with her.

But I'm FULL of questions:
Why are they living with you?
How long have they been living with you?
Are you their sole support?
How old is the little one?

You don't really have to answer, unless you just want to. Or just tell me MYOB.
 
I totally get your frustration, but have resolved in my own relationships that everyone parents differently...and even though we sometimes want to step in, sometimes it's better when we don't. (unless there is legitimate abuse/neglect that you feel must be reported to authorities...which doesn't sound like the case here.)

I get it. I hate to see other parents get it wrong, too. Breaks my heart when I see a kid I care about....looking hurt or disappointed or ignored. But every parent/child pairing is different and what you see from the outside might not be how they experience it from the inside. It's hard not to, sometimes, but it's really better for all involved if you can try not to judge her and simply help the little girl as much as you can.

You CAN lead by example. If your niece sees how much her daughter enjoys attention from you...she'll probably get a little jealous and pay more attention to her own interactions. She might even find herself studying your interactions for tips...though she probably wouldn't admit it (nor should she have to).

The bigger issue here...is that your niece is living with you...and you're unhappy about her contribution (or lack there of). THAT is the issue you need to resolve....because that is something you have a legitimate stake in. (her parenting, is not)

You should sit down with her and create a roommate agreement that divides responsibilities, clearly outlines expectations...and has a clear expiration date...where the arrangement will be re-evaluated and dissolved if either party wants out.

Trying to make her parent...like you like to parent...isn't going to work, and will create hostility and make matters even worse for the little girl.

That's my two cents. Take what you like and throw away the rest:)
 
Lindina,

They are living with us because my niece is in school and she is working part time, but she doesn't make enough money to live on her own.

About 6-7 months total.

I am not the homeowner, so I am not really supporting them directly. I pay rent to live here and help out with chores, but I am not the head of the home.

She is 5.

She is a wonderful little girl. She is usually pretty good and really loves to hang out and play. She doesn't require constant direct attention, but you can tell she craves connections with people at times. When she has that at regular intervals, she is calmer and plays by herself much better.

I am not saying much to my niece for a few reasons:

1. I love her and we get along most of the time. In fact, we agree about quite a few things.

2. It will lead to arguments and bad feelings and tension.

3. It may cause her to look for another (less healthy) place to live.
 
O bless your heart! Now I can "see" your situation better. So she is currently in school. Yeah, I can remember those days. So hopefully there's a good job for her at the end of this... Love on that little one as much as possible (how could you not?). Maybe from time to time you could say something to niece like "sweetie could you help me with this?" where "this" is something that actually takes two people to do, and she might catch on? (not very hopeful about that but maybe...)

Prayers for you and them, especially the little one.
 
When you leave the house to run errand, give her a task to do. If she repeatedly fails to do it, let her know you are disappointed.

Example: I am a bit behind on this weeks tasks, could you see that the towels are folded when the dryer stops, and move the wet stuff over to the dryer?

________ I am sorry to see that you were too buzy to help me with the laundry, I hope I can catch up enough to find time to iron all of that, or do you think I should just wash it and dry it again? Can you think of a way to make this work better than I has been?

If she is far along in her social worker studies, she will recognize herself in her studies. LOL

As to the kid, perhaps you an make dates with the mom that include the kid, "lets play board games for a half an hour after dinner ____ would love it".
 
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