I'm not going to go into details. Same old stuff as Christmas. Only I know dh is having an emotional affair- at least that's how I see it. He's been getting together with a girl at work since before Christmas- he goes and sees her at lunch. I don't know how often, but he did tell me they are "just friends" and he goes over to the officers club a couple times a week to talk about food. I can understand the talking about food bit, he loves to cook and his dream is to be a chef and have his own restaraunt. Apparently dd and I aren't in that mix because even after telling him I didn't think he should keep going over there and it really bothered me that he would do so, he has continued to do so. He and dd ran into her and her kids at the park on Sat. spent all afternoon with them then went out to dinner with them- I was sick otherwise I would have been there. She's married but her dh is on a ship. He says we have nothing in common, I don't understand him or see things the way he does. Nope, we don't have anything in common at this point. I'm married and I see that as sacred and there is no way in heck I would destroy that trust or vow. We have a child and one on the way, my family is first priority. I've prayed every day that things would be okay and we would work through this since it all popped up at Christmas. And here we are again. He said he was going to call our pastor today to set up a time for both of us to meet, but didn't know if it would do any good. Well that's nice to know. I don't know what to do. We're building a house up in Maine. I brought that up to. His reply "well I'll be gone for two months at a time" I told him I don't want him at the ultrasound next week and if things don't turn around I do not want him at the birth. I only want my best friend there. He's taken no part in this pregnancy so far- hasn't even talked about it or gotten excited about it. So it's like he's not even there anyway.
I am praying for you and your family. I wish I had some words of advice but I don't know what to say. Only your husband and God know what is in his heart, but even if this other woman is just a friend, he knows it bothers you for him to see her. That he continues to do so seems wrong to me. I am sorry you are having to go through this. I hope your pastor can help your family. Beth
I certainly hope your pastor can knock, er, talk some sense into him. But in the meantime, there is a lot of prayer going on here.
I'm praying. If it's encouragement, God CAN work miracles. My husband and I were in similar straights (pregnancy even) about 4 years ago. God intervened and we are a much different couple today. PRAYING!!!
I am sorry @ all this, but since God can do a real miracle our part is to pray for it. We do pray, with all our hearts
Thank you all. My faith is a little weak right now. I feel like I'm just being yanked around. We went through all this at Christmas and things felt so right and so much better. Apparently I was the only one feeling that way. I refuse to live a lie, but I also refuse to see dd hurt in the process because of his decisions. I've tried calling my pastor but he is not in today. I can't go in and talk to him anyway because I'm still contagious (flu). I called dh to tell him to bring home another copy of the living will paperwork to fill out. I'm going to redo it. One good thing, only his name is on the house being built. So it won't be my responsibility. The car is in my name and it's paid off. I'm really trying not to think of those things, but after 3 times of going through this with him, I don't know what to think anymore.
I am sorry you are going through this. An emotional relationship can be as devastating and destructive as a physical one. I see now why it is so important for you to talk to your pastor. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom that would make all of your pain go away. The only thing I can offer you is a friendly ear, understanding and my prayers. (((( )))) We are all here if you need us.
I think it is important that you think of those things. I feel empowerment if I feel that I have options and not blind-sided. So, that is normal to think of those things.
The problem I'm having is I have no money. We have money in the bank- not a lot, but it's for the house being built, we're building up our savings so we have a good 3 months mortgage payments in the bank by the time we close.. But I've even thought of taking out a hundred and putting it in my account, and doing that till whatever happens. I hate looking at things this way. I feel like I'm the only one who wants this to work. I'm the only one who's changed my life and compromised for the needs of my family. But I don't feel he does the same or feels that's necessary. I talked to a friend this morning. Next year we'll be married for 10 years. At that point I get half his retirement so long as I don't remarry. I can do it for another year, he'll be gone for most of it. But he's not thinking of me or dd, he's thinking of himself. He and dd are VERY close. She is the epitamy of a daddy's girl. So many things going through my mind right now.
It is difficult when kids are involved. You want to do the right thing for your dd. None of this is fair to any of you. I can see why you are concerned about money, I would be too. Have yout talked to your dh to ask if his relationship with this woman is going somewhere?
I talked to him last night. I flat out asked him if they'd had sex or kissed, held hands, hugged, and he said no. I looked him right in the eye when I asked him, and he looked me right in the eye when he answered. I know if there was something going on physically, he wouldn't have been able to do that. I asked him if he wanted to, he told me know, it wasn't like that. It was that she understood him in ways I didn't- has a lot to do with cooking, food and his spirituality. He said I don't understand him like she does and he just likes to talk with her because they have things in common and he and I don't have anything in common. Same line he gave me back at Christmas. I gave up things I used to be into. I could have a thriving photography business right now if my priorities were in the wrong place. But I CHOOSE to make my family my priority. I choose to do what I need to for him and dd. I think of myself last. So as far as I can tell, this relationship is more of an emotional thing. The fact that she's married too and her dh is away on a ship, just makes it even worse so they are both essentially cheating on their spouses. I told him this at Christmas, and he has still chosen to maintain that contact.
Kim, I dont even know where to begin. I just pray your hubby sees all the things that brought you two together in the first place. An emotional affair is almost worse than a physical one. Seeing as though they enjoy each others company so much. I'm so sorry your going through this....It's a fine and dangerous line he's walking right now. I hope your pastor helps him see what he's doing is wrong.
Prayers and hugs your way Kim! Have you ever pointed out to him that if he would try to speak to you like he does to her, and spend the time with you that he does her, that maybe yall would have more in common?? I know easier said than done, but I would have to put my foot done and make him choose the family. I would flat out, "answer me NOW" confrontation and MAKE him choose YOU or HER! He spent the afternoon in the park with her and her kids????:shock: He went to dinner with them???:shock::shock: He could have came home and took care of his pregnant, sick wife! Honey, you have to talk to the pastor TODAY! I know you are still contagious, but I would have the pastor on the phone with us ASAP! There is NO reason for you to tolerate this! I know (again easier said than done!) that there are the kids involved, but as they say "the buck stops here"~he would have to cut off the "friendship" and choose his wife and kids or GO...TODAY! I know that this may add fuel to the fire , buthave you tried speaking to this woman (personally, I would not be hanging out with a married man, especially as a married woman!)......I dont want to judge, but has this woman ever said "dont you need to be at home with your wife?", if she hasnt, then I would be highly suspicious of her. Anyway, your hubby should have respected you and cut ties with her the second you asked him to....
Oh yes, I've told him those things. I've told him I love cooking, and I'd LOVE to do the gourmet thing, I just plain don't have the time. She does it for a living. She's the pastry chef at the officers club. He met all of the cooks over there when he was doing a BBQ gig for the enlisted club this past fall. He's always loved cooking and really gotten into it the past couple of years. I did tell him earlier on the phone that if he has no desire to work this out and he doesn't cut ties with her, I would leave and he could pay child support and daycare and I would not be staying in the same state. No point me staying somewhere where I have no family or friends. I'd move back to Seattle. But I'm holding out hope. Not much, but a little.
Wow!! Kim, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. And to be pregnant on top of all of this. I will be praying for you and your husband. That God will speak to him and open his eyes. I will pray for you that God will continue to give you the backbone you need to stand up for yourself and your family.
