Why are some homeschoolers bitter about homeschooling?

I am a member on other boards and every once in awhile a person who was formerly homeschooled posts opinions--sometimes rather strongly worded opinions--against homeschooling, because they resent their own homeschooling experience. I have also noticed that an interesting thing happens almost every time. The homeschooling parents on the forum tend to get defensive immediately instead of trying to understand why the person feels that way. It seems to me that most of us want to sweep these people under the rug and pretend they don't exist.

I, personally, am genuinely interested in the reasons any former homeschooler would be bitter about it. Some of these people end up to be quite hateful about it and I want to understand why so that I might avoid it with my own child.

Your thoughts?

 

I have read a few of those myself.

Usually it ends up being that the parent was a control freak and used hsling to control every aspect of their children's lives.

We all know these kinds are out there, we all wish there was not. Just like everything there is good with the bad.

Personally I am not one to get defensive if someone is strongly against hsling. That is there opinion and everyone has one and is entitled to theirs without the chance of ridicule. Now this is not the case usually, too many people are way to quick to take offense before thinking that we all are different.

I believe that the previous hslers that are bitter against it are no different than those of us that are bitter and against ps. We all strongly voice our opinions on that subject often, it is just that so many agree that it goes unnoticed. Now since we are hs lovers, when someone has feelings against it, it stands out and then the battle of opinions start.

It also bothers me that some don't ask the "why" before casting stones.

(by the way nice to see you again)

 

This will be an interesting thread as I don't know anyone who is bitter about their hs experience.

 

There probably aren't any bitter former homeschoolers here on this particular forum, which is why I placed it on this one, because I don't want to cause grief by starting something that will get into an argument on the other more public forums. Besides, it is mostly a question to us who do the homeschooling.

What is it that we seem to we fear when one former homeschooled child expresses he/she hated being homeschooled?

Is it that others will read the post and agree that homeschooling is the wrong thing to do?

Are we concerned that could be our own child in the future and we don't want to face that possibility?

Do we deep down believe that these are a small percentage of the homeschool community or do we even wonder if there are more than we would like to admit?

There are various things that these people complain about, but the ones I see most commonly boil down to substandard education, lack of freedom to just hang out with friends, missing high school events like proms and such, and difficulty in making the social transition into college.

(Thanks, Jo Anna!)

 

See it boils down to the parents using hsling as a control option. Which is wrong! See in my eyes these parents were not worried about the education of their children they were worried about making sure they had full control of the lives of them. JMO

I understand why you posted it here, it is a lot less judgmental group (in my opinion). I have noticed that the ladies here are less likely to jump all over you for a difference in opinion. Now on other boards you see the opposite of this way too much!

 

Okay, from what I have learned by experience my own ds was bitter for a while. THe truth of the matter is that the other kids and some teachers out there and well meaning adults influence them a lot.
With mine, it was all of the above! They talked it down, made him feel inferior and like he was missing out on life. So he started to feel mad that we had schooled him up to 9th, but now that he has matured a bit he told me he is glad he schooled at home, and that he has seen a lot of what we were trying to do in keeping him home as good, as well as some things he wished we knew about before so he could have been involed more.
Such as the CO-Op that we are now affiliated with.
My ds did not get the benifits of having home schooled friends so he felt alone and different.
Okay so now that he is out and about to be a senior in a week he still sees that he is different, that he thinks more seriously about certain things and less about other things... not because he was homeschooled he claims but because its just how he is.
He is no longer bitter about home schooling, but wishes he had gotten to do some of the stuff my dd an little ds get to do in group stuff. He felt left out a lot.

Okay so does that mean there is some truth to the need to 'socialize'. Yes! But he also did not get to get together in groups at church as much as the other two, he went from being in a class for Pre K to homeschool and alone for the most part.... sometimes I wish we had allowed him a bit of private school in his y ounger grades, his self esteme would be better, but then I stop and realise SELF is not what we want to produce, its our hope for him to have put his trust and hope in the Lord God. and this is where we see him flourishing!
So the Spiritual side of homeschooling worked out the worldly side, I guess thats what I am saying.

Often times I see other people homeschooling and like someone here said "control freaking" being tight and rigid in teaching and regulations is not for every child.
I think most of those parents must not have found it FUN to skip school work now and then but made it a burden for thier children.
So my advice to all of us is to keep it real! Don't go over board with the pushing of thier literal education but allow them room to blossom and to fly. Give them the reigns when they get in the older years!
My dd chose to stay home another year because she wants to!
She said she has pleanty of friends with the way things are now... she has two good friends at our co op and then those at church.
And she really does not want to be taught by her brother's teachers from hearing him come home with stuff he comes home with, Lol!
It has been good over all hving one go out, it taught us what life was like on the other side of the fence!
Dont be afraid to send them out for a year here or there! Let them taste some sour grapes!

 

I see what Teachermom is saying. I can see that side of it to. I am glad your son has had a change of heart.

Now my son thinks he is lucky to be home educated. His friends always tell him you are so lucky, I wish my parents would take me out and hs me. He always tells me that he doesn't want to go back to ps, but he is different he has seen both sides and likes this side better.

 

I saw posts from former homeschoolers--- or, rather, people who claimed to have been homeschooled--- on another board as well.

What I noticed about one particular individual who seemed a bit full of herself was that she had confused a parenting style with a schooling choice. She kept pointing out that she wasn't exposed to a lot of things [e.g. couldn't go to certain concerts; didn't wear certain clothes]. When I pointed out that she was confusing how her parents chose to raise her versus how her parents chose to school her, the poster basically ignored me. Other homeschoolers piled on to add to what I'd said, and she continued to ignore my points.

I added that my kids wouldn't be allowed to wear certain stuff or go just anywhere all the other kids were going simply because they were in school--- public or private. They'd wear what I bought them to wear and they'd go where I decided they could go. Learning math and English in our house or in a school building wasn't going to change that fact.

So, from what I saw of posts on the other board, my assumption is their bitterness is more from how their parents raised them, not from the schooling itself.

I'll add that she complained that she wasn't very well adjusted socially, either. [I tended to agree with that as she came across as the most arrogant snot I'd ever seen, though I didn't say so.] I pointed out that this again went back in part to parenting style as there are many kids who aren't well-adjusted in the school system; I also pointed out that this was, in part, her own failure as well. Unless her parents literally kept her under lock and key and refused to let her socialize with anyone else, she had to bear some responsibility for making little effort to get to know people. She seemed to have the attitude that socializing just happened if you were in school and that no effort had to be made by the individual; I reminded her that relationships require at least 2 people who are both making an effort at it.

Anyway, that's my perspective on it.

 

I've seen similar posts. Usually it's a person who's come from a very controlling (and often very religious family) but I've seen a few from people who felt their education was neglected. Parents who may have called themselves unschoolers but were anything but were really just disengaged and uninterested.

These are issues of family, religion, control and negligence, not homeschooling. It's just that the homeschooling is what the former homeschoolers sees first.

 

My dd's and ds's friends are always asking me to talk to thier moms too! And I have friends who ask me to home school thier kids.. I have not accepted yet but there are a couple that I would do it!

 

I have not seen any posts about this but I know a girl at my church that was homeschooled for two years. I totally think the above statement is true. This girl hated being homeschooled. Her mother told me the girl was suicidal. Let me tell you if I had to live in that house with that family I'd be suicidal too. It has nothing to do with school and everything to do with crazy phsyco OCD control freak parents.

Now here is why her comments made mad furious - she made them to my daughter. This 16 year old proceeded to tell me 11 year old in church none the less that she should hate homeschooling and want to get away from me her mother. Homeschooling is horrible and she will regret it later, blah, blah, blah. It had a serious effect on my child that was not positive at all.

I'm sorry if someone had a bad experience but keep it to yourself or complain to someone who isn't an 11 year old child.

 

Wow! That is horrible. I totally agree with you on this one!

 

I think for me I get defensive when the person making the post starts off immediately with judgment (IE you are causing your children to be unprepared for life by hsing) when a person starts off telling me that I immediately jump on the defensive I know I shouldn't and I'm working on that but that's how I am. I can also understand that some parents choose homeschooling for the wrong reasons and I'm sorry for that but if you want to talk to someone then you have to come into the conversation with the right attitude...I hope I'm making sense, my written communication is not nearly as good as my verbal. Using myself as an example I chose to homeschool my children because A. the schools here (at least elementary schools) are not all that great and the children that understand English often get pushed aside so the teachers can teach English to the Spanish students, B. I want my children to receive a Godly education and I can't afford a Christian School, and C. My little one also wants to school with his big brother but wouldn't be able to in ps because of his age. Ok there are more reasons but I won't list them all. My point is that I haven't chosen homeschooling to control my children, but rather to educate them in such a way that they can make well educated and well founded choices later. If we are still homeschooling in High School we will definitely explore either enrolling the boys in one or two public school classes, or in a vo-tech program or something of the like, and Once they are 16 they will start taking classes at the local community college to prepare them for college classes. I just feel that if you aren't happy with your situation then you need to approach people in the right manner to get them to help you.

 

I agree with your first statement, I too dont like to be stuck in a group . Just because I homeschool does nto mean that I school my kids like everyone else, and just because I am a parent it does nto mean I parent like everyone else, I care if my kids are ready for the world, they will have to live in it, I just want them to learn what they need to live life the way they are intended to.
I do understand when peoples get stuck in closed areas and such cant always get out and away to make friends and include others in thier children's lives but I have known people who did this and thier children thrived both in hs and in life! So it really is all in our hands, we have to ask ourselves as Hs ing parents or non homeschooling parents --- what can I do to form my children into the way that they SHOULD go, not just push them along in life. It is sad when you see this, both in private and public schools and homeschooled children that the parents sometimes just go by rote and don't think about the kids personalities, and what they need personally to become good citizens of tomorrow.
( Thats as generic as I can put it with out mentioning my personal beliefs hehe )

 

Homeschooling is not for everyone and the ones that give it a try and fail get really bitter about it.

Sad

Sam

 

This is an interesting topic. The little negative feedback that I've seen from a few homeschooled kids IRL comes from families that seem to think if they follow one man's ideas or doctrines, they will have a perfect family with perfect children who won't need much interaction with the parents.

This philosophy spills over into the parent's homeschooling philosophy as well. They delegate and demand everything leaving no choices or decision making for the child - even when a teen.

I'm not talking about leaving moral decisions for the child...I'm talking about creative decisions.

In the end, these teens turn out A) Rebellious as everything (while appearing nice and compliant on the outside - seething on the inside) or
B) Completely lacking in ambition and completely dependent (leave all decisions for mom and dad in all areas).

So, when I hear REAL stories of unhappy homeschooled kids, I look for more than what curricula or homeschool method was employed. I trace it back to parenting styles and I have always found the same style in place in these cases.

Please be aware that I have read a few posters that I do not believe were ever home educated. I believe they are on those forums to stir up trouble and not share honest experiences.

Blessings,
Trishy
kriagirl.blogspot.com

 

I agree!

 

Same here!

 

do you ever wonder WHY someone would do that?
start a debate for the sake of debating maybe?

 

I have a good friend who went to ps until she rebelled so bad her mom started going to classes with her (she skipped school alot) *gasp* she eventually pulled her daughter out. She still found a way to sneak out and ended up pregnant at 17. She is very bitter about hs. It is hard for her to look at it with open eyes when she sees my kids. I can see both sides. A mom depretately trying to save her daughter and a daughter who sees homeschooling as punishment and being taken away from her friends. HS really wasnt' the issue but it is what is blamed by these kids. They do not realize that it was their parents parenting style and that it had nothing to do with education.