Please be blunt here ladies. I often need tough love and I can count on you to give it Let me preface this whole thing by clearly stating that I deeply love my husband. He's been a wonderful father and the love of my life for 7 years and I wouldn't trade him for the world.... usually. Today, I probably would. He's been working for his dad for nearly a year. It's really good money when they work. But here lately they are not working much at all. To be blunt, he's made $300 in the last month. He's got a couple of options open to him right now. There's the National Guard (which I've already mentioned) and also working for a construction company that builds overseas. It would be a 6 figure income for a year, but he'd be gone for a year. But if he did that we'd be 100% debt free in that year and would have a fully funded emergency fund. With about half of our current monthly bills and 6 months worth of living expenses in savings, it would be no problem at all for him to work with his dad. However.... Now that his dad has prostate cancer, DH refuses to leave his dad. The doctors aren't worried, as they caught it very early. FIL isn't worried. But DH is having fits. I can't even convince him to get another job locally. So I spent today filling out applications. Ladies, I am currently working 3 jobs!!! THREE. And I'm trying to find a 4th. This is serious. Not only am I going to be working round the clock (two jobs every day), it's likely that I'll have to put my oldest in PS. I can't school him if I'm never home and I can't count on DH to do it. Not only would that mean that he'd be in an environment that I don't want him in, he'd also be starting K all over again (he missed the cut off by 18 days and they are hard-nosed about it). So he'd be repeating a grade and bored out of his mind. Needless to say, DH and I got into it big time today. By the end of the "conversation" I know I wasn't communicating effectively. I said things like, "I can't count on you for anything", "yeah I'm p*ssed off! In order to provide for this family I don't get to be a part of it" and "It's really sad that you're loyalty to your father is more important than providing for your family." Those weren't just things I said in anger, I really feel that way. Though I know that wasn't the best way to express myself, I wasn't lying. [yes, I've tried talking it out rationally, but he ends up angry at me anyhow] So tell me ladies, am I being too hard on him? Should I just work round the clock and keep my mouth shut and let DH deal with taking care of his own emotions? I can't just sit back and watch our finances come crashing down around us. I'm the one who has to find the money to pay our bills. DH takes a, "it will all work out" attitude but is refusing to help "it" along. So what would you do? Would you sit back and let your family end up homeless or would you work 4 jobs and pray that your DH pulls his head out of his woohoo?
I say this in the nicest possible way. You are not being too hard on him. He needs to man up now. He is not doing his job as a provider. It is all about priorities and his seem to be all screwed up. That is all I am willing to say at this point. Good luck.
oh wow. Heck no you're not being hard on him, if anything, I'd say he's getting off pretty darn easy!! Does he not see that you're breaking your back for your family? I agree with Tiffany...he does need to man up. He IS the man after all. If he wont, steal his pants and you wear them and tell him how it's gonna be. The fact that you have to work even one job is crappy, but FOUR?!?!?!!? Oh baby baby...set him on the right track. It sounds like he's looking for the easy way out, and the easy way being you to hoof all the burden. You're in my prayers girl.
I agree, too. I would not go for the year overseas, but surely he can find SOMETHING locally. If it were me working 24/7 I would hope he would at least get a token job. Just ANYTHING! Praying for you guys!
Amie, I can't imagine being in your shoes (except for the "it will all work out" attitude about finances, when I'm the one having to figure it out----gggrrrrrr!!!) I certainly understand your frustrations. I would likely feel the same way. I don't think you are wrong to expect your dh to provide for his family. As for the job overseas, I can understand him not wanting to leave his family. Maybe his father's illness is just a convenient excuse for not taking that particular job. I certainly don't know that-just a suggestion. My only advice is much prayer for your dh's attitude towards his role as provider. I know that you are already doing that. And although you are really feeling all those things you said, choose your words carefully so that you do not create resentment. Instead of using accusing words, say "it makes me feel _____, when you ________". That will open the door to communication, instead of shutting it down. (easier said than done in an argument, I know). I'll keep you in my prayers. BTW--My grandfather was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1985. Although, he isn't in the greatest health (other issues) and still takes treatments for the cancer, the prostate cancer itself will not likely kill him.
I don't think you are being tough on him...I definitely think that he needs to get a job and help support his family.
Let me be very clear in saying I am NOT taking your husbands side here. He should get a job that is a source of dependable income. But, I remember the year that my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the age of 49. I wanted to spend every minute with him. I was constantly at my parents house (to the point that nothing got done at mine), went to his radiation treatments, anything to spend time with him even though the doctors said that everything was going to be OK. That c word was very scary. I wanted to make sure that I was there at every turn. So, I understand his desire to be near as unnecessary as it may be. Maybe you could try to convince him to try to find something that would have set hours locally so that he would know exactly how much time he has to devote to his dad. I'm really praying that this situation works out for the best for everyone.
whats your relationship like with your MIL and FIL? can you get them on your side? Can they talk some sense into your DH?
That is a tough situation. God can handle it, so I will pray. If I were you, I would not get another job; I think that would only enable your husband by not letting him feel some of the financial pressure. If you pick up the slack, he may feel he can relax a bit. I'd also grab that man ASAP and take him in for marriage counseling with your pastor or someone else. You need a mediator, and he needs a mentor.
You have no idea what you're doing by asking ME to be blunt! LOL But here goes: HELL no -- no, no, no!! HE needs to get off his ass and take that 6-figure job & you need to quit your jobs & focus on your babies.
In this economy, if the overseas job is not in a war zone or a dangerous city like Bogota Columbia, I would take it if I was him. This would put you all in a much better place. If you house was paid off and you had savings in the bank, all the better to help the inlaws if things turn bad with FIL's health. Present this fact for sure. The National Gaurd thing could turn full time and battle zone at the drop of a hat. So I could understand this being a problem for him. Otherwise he could get a second job that pays pretty good locally and still work with FIL and you could quit one or more of yours. There is a problem that needs to be solved, but it does not have to be with one of the options that are currently on the table. Break the problem down in to its component parts and then discuss what can be done that meets the goals of all involved. Is dad on social security yet. Perhaps he could retire and take that and your dh could then take a larger part of what the business brings in. There are lots of possibilities. Explore them all after you figure out what each others goals are. One other thought that comes to mind, is the possibility that he is undermining your homeschooling with all of this. Is he on board?? Consider and if there is a possibility that he is not on board and undermining you bring this up and work out this issue first.
Well, when we were talking last night, he said that under no circumstances would we put Eli in PS. We were in the middle of a fun time at the fair, so I didn't want to spoil is by bringing up the "how the heck am I supposed to do everything, then?" argument. I will bring it up when I get home for sure. It would most likely be a war zone. It's with one of the companies that does construction on military bases in Iraq and Afganistan. They also have some positions in Dubai, but not many. He would be confined to the base, so it's about as safe as you can be in a situation like that. FIL and MIL are collecting SS, but with raising my neice with no financial assistance, they are in such a bad place financially that they recently filed bankruptcy. Thank you all so much for your replies. I at least feel less guilty about my reaction.
First of all, I agree that he SHOULD be getting another job. So no, I don't think you're being too hard on him. BUT.... Please take this in the manner it is meant! I am giving you my honest opinion in love. Whether he is right or not is beside the point. You are responsible for YOUR response to him. You most absolutely can and should speak the truth to him. You can tell him how you see it. BUT once you do, you drop it, as far as he is concerned. You can PRAY, PRAY, and PRAY some more. What you should NOT do is to try and take matters out of his hands, or try to force or manipulate him. Be prayfully submissive.
I could not have expressed my thoughts any better than what ochumgache said. You will be in my prayers. (((( )))) :love: My ? is: Does your dh understand your finances or do you do them alone? I do our finances alone. My dh has a little bit of an idea of what our debts and monthly bills are but honestly, not really. if your dh understood your financial situation, would it make a difference in his willingness to get motivated and get to working?
Hang in there girl. Make sure he has a clear understanding of your finances. And let him know you can't do it all. I will be praying for you.
I may be in the minority here, but I would not do the overseas job, no matter where it was. He will be missing a year of your boys' lives when they are young and will really miss him. Dh had to be gone for 4 months and there is no way (short of being forced to deploy again, which shouldn't happen) that he would choose to be separated from us again. The stress that you will have to go through as a single parent (even with tons of support it is so hard) and him missing so much (even if he is able to talk to you guys every day) is not worth in--in my opinion.
I tried time and time again to get him to help me with at least the financial planning. He simply has zero interest and tells me to just do whatever I see fit. When I did Dave Ramsey's FPU, the budget comitte meetings were completely a waste of time. He just kept saying, "you know more about where our money needs to go than I do." But he wouldn't let me explain it to him so he knew as much as I did. Mostly, he doesn't want to be bothered with our finances. When I first went back to work this Spring, I couldn't keep up with everything. So I gave him the checkbook and the bills folder and went over everything with him. My plan really could not be simpler. I have a spreadsheet for each month that has a column for the bill name, one for the amount, one for the due date (and they're listed in order), and one to mark pd. If the row is in green, it's auto-drafted, if it's in black, it needs to actually be paid. I mean, it's so basic a child could follow it. So when a month had gone by and the only thing that had been paid was rent, I knew it was going to end badly.But I let it go. Then the utility shut off notice came. DH finally paid it when the company sent the man to come turn it off. It's sort of a "last chance" thing. You can pay them on the spot. It was just crazy. I was making nearly $800 a week and none of our bills were getting paid. After that, he gave me the checkbook and told me to make it work. He said it was my job and if I wasn't going to do it, it wouldn't get done. It's like he really has no concept of the gravity of any financial situation. If we didn't have kids I'd put it back on him and just ignore the problem. But I'm not going to let my kids get taken away when we lose our home.
What does he see as being his job in the family? I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I can't imagine how frustrating and tiring it must be. Maybe I would send him overseas!
