Ok, this will probably be long, so I will warn you ahead of time. It may also start to sound like mindless blabber.. because honestly I'm not able to even think straight right now. A little background (for those of you who don't know it, I know a few do), our oldest is not my hubby's bio child. I left Garrett's bio father for good just after he turned 4. His bio father was very very abusive, physically, mentally, and verbally. I don't think in the 9 years I was with him there was a single day that he didn't yell at me for something that I did "wrong". He had the mindset of everything was his way or no way, and he could do no wrong. He had a horrible temper, and could be terrifyingly violent. I always trumped it up to him being spoiled by the grandmother that raised him... now I'm beginning to think there was alot more to it.... but we will get to that soon. Just 2 weeks after I moved my stuff out I got with hubby. He helped me fight for custody of DS, and from day one accepted him as his own. We struggled for over a year with my ex to get full physical custody, and another 2 years to get ex to sign off his rights... which was the best move for all of us. I really hoped that with ex out of the picture that Garrett would not become the self centered, violent person that his bio father was. I was very wrong hoping for that. He is horrible. He refuses to do what he is told. When he is told to do something... whether it be school work, house work, or even a matter of hygiene.. he flips. He mouths off, throws things, slams things around, will throw himself into walls, doors or onto the floor. We have had him evaluated by a neuropsychologist and they refused to give him any kind of diagnosis because he doesn't have an outside source for evaluating his behavior... as in he isn't in public school, doesn't have a teacher to say that he misbehaves in class... even though we told them that we had pulled him after 1st grade because of the problems he was causing. They sent us to parenting classes, that cost us a fortune, and taught us nothing that we hadn't already tried over and over to impliment in our home. We have been homeschooling now for 2 1/2 years. It has been a horrible struggle since day one! I have tried every different approach in the book. He used to be able to work wayyyyy above level... now I think he is working way behind level when I can get him to do anything at all. Every day is a fight, every day I end up close to or in full blown tears. My two little kids are starting to follow in his footsteps because I guess they figure that is the way to behave. My sweet little girl has started telling me "No, you do it" and walking away when I tell her to put her toys away, or put her dish in the sink. My little boy is now doing the same thing. I am so ready to throw in the towel... and I don't even want to just send him back to public school, I really want to send him to Milton Hershey School, it's a boarding school, and I wouldn't be the one to have to deal with his actions. I sometimes feel guilty raising the other kids around him, because I feel he is pretty much ruining them. I am tired of butting heads with him. I am tired of feeling like the way he behaves is my fault. I am tired of the looks we get in public when he throws his fits. I'm just tired of it all. I'm pregnant.. I do not need all of this stress. As much as I wish I could just get along with this kid, I don't think I ever will. Ok, I think I'm done rambling now... I'm open to any suggestions that you can offer.
I don't have any advice on how to handle things, just a hug and a word of caution. My SIL was adopted; she was 11 when I married dh. One thing I noticed from her parents was that they tended to "project" things on her from her biological parents, and that led to her getting in more trouble than I felt like she would have otherwise. For instance, she would engage in misbehavior that was rather typical of her age, and her parents (who I felt needed some serious parenting help on all fronts) would tell her she was "going to get in trouble like her father" or how she was "her mother's daughter, and if she didn't watch out she'd be pregnant at 16." As a result, she tended to act out more than I think she otherwise would have, simply because, as she told me, if she was going to get accused of everything under the sun, she might as well do it. Mind you, I am NOT saying you are doing this. This is a very extreme (and sad, although thankfully she has made a serious turnaround) example of how sometimes we tend to let our expectations or fears affect how we view our kids. I'm not in any way saying that his behaviour is reasonable, only that there may be times when you say something that inadvertently fuels it, if that makes sense. Even if it's just a "You don't want to do that, that's something your biological dad would do" or if he overheard you and your dh stressing about it. On the flip side, you also have to realize that your two younger kids are going to be going through their own independent stage. Yes, some of their actions will be fueled by their brother's example, but it's also not really fair to cast the entire blame for him. A 3 and a 4 yo are both going to be testing their boundries anyway, and I'll go ahead and tell you that my almost-4 yo and I engage in conversations where I say "pick that up" and he says "no you do it" on a daily basis. And then I insist, and we work through it. So I think that some of the struggles you are going to have with your younger kids are going to be age and stage-related, and it isn't fair to cast full blame on your oldest. It's not fair to him, or to the younger kids. When my older ones provide a bad example and my younger ones copy, the first thing I do is tell my younger kids that they are responsible for their own actions and decisions, and they knew better than to....whatever. I might say in passing, "Remember you are an example to your younger kids", but it's not fair to put the entire blame on the oldest, either. Again, I'm not saying that you are browbeating him with it. Nor am I a touchy-feely, positive-words-makes-it-all-better type person. I agree that action needs to be taken. But my oldest is only 7, so I'm sure someone else can help you with better suggestions than I can give. My only intent is to point out two possible things that might be contributing to making the situation worse, with the idea that you can stop and look, and either discard or say, well, I might on occasion say something to that effect. Best wishes, and hugs. SG
We try very hard to not even bring up his bio father. The further into our pasts that he becomes, the better all of us are... I know for many that is hard to fathem, and it's hard to understand unless you lived in the nightmare we lived in. I do understand that the two younger ones are trying to test the waters, and I do try to give them the room to do that. I'm just so lost right now.
I'm sorry for everything you are going through. I don't really have any advice or experience with this so I can't offer much.......I would check into an anger management program for him. I know they are offered for children. You may be able to find out more about them through your family dr. or by calling someone in mental health care. If he goes through a program offered by qualified dr.s they may see a greater problem and direct you in the way you need to go. Also you don't need a referral to have him go to a child psychologist. Check if your insurance will cover the visit, many will. Even though he has been out of the abusive enviornment now for many years he may have some resentment about the whole situation and that his bio father has nothing to do with him (Not saying he should at all but sometimes kids just feel like there is something wrong with them and that is why they were treated the way they were or that they are the reason dad/mom isn't around anymore) Hopefully you never tell him he is just like his father....that could cause some very negative self-image issues. I wouldn't give up on him. If you do feel the need to send him to boarding school then you are still doing what you feel is best for him. As parents we have to make tough choices and just because we decide things someone else wouldn't dream of doing....well they aren't in your shoes. If my ds or dd was completely out of controll and I had tried everything possible you better believe his/her butt would be on her way to military school. Not because I gave up but because it would be my wish that with the proper guidance and structure our relationship would improve and more importantly that they would be able to be an upstanding part of the community one day. Sorry I can't offer more.......I truley hope the right answer comes to you and your family.
I know how you feel. My son was acting this way and we were able to get him on a medication that has turned it around. But I could have honestly made your post until recently. Except that mine was in public school so we did have a DX. I would just send him to the boarding school. But beware, they could kick him out with no second chances and you will be back at square one. But I would send him anyway before I would have him ruin things with the younger children. No need to feel guilty. Boarding schools are used by many, not just as a punishment.
I want to add that it is possible that he misses his dad, even though he never really knew him much. And the way he is connecting with his dad is by imitating what he believes to be his dad's behavior. Even if it is really reaching, maybe starting to compliment something on him and then say his biodad was like that would help. I don't know. But adopted or not, he more than likely still thinks of his biodad. Sending HIM to a counselor might help too. But beware there too...he might make up stories about you or your dh being abusive which would greatly affect your other children. Make sure the therapist is homeschool friendly.
Garrett has his Bio father on his friends list on his myspace. Garrett really wants nothing to do with him, but we keep it open that HE has that option. We have never told him he can not talk to him, and he still spends some time with his bio fathers family, in fact my whole family has spent Christmas with them.. ex not there of course, and we also just recently went to a family funeral.. my whole family was welcomed with open arms, ex was kind of ignored... he has done most of them wrong too.
I think if it were me, I'd get a second opinion from a pediatric psychologist. I can't believe the one just dismissed you because your son isn't in school...that's crazy after hearing everything you're going through! I almost wonder if it's not an imbalance, something genetic he inherited from his father? I say that coming from a family with a long history of mental illness/depression/suicides on my mother's side of the family. Both my younger sister and I are on Zoloft, and it's made a world of difference for us. Our doctors explained to us that the tendency to not have enough "feel good" (hormones? chemicals?) in the brain is as genetic as hair and eye color. I wish the older members of our family would give meds a try, but they refuse to. There's so much shame attached to it, but it just shouldn't be that way. They'd be so much happier (we ALL would!) if they'd just try and see the difference it makes when those levels are balanced. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with this. I hope your son is able to get the help he needs. I second the recommendation for anger management classes, and talk therapy too. But I'd start with a psychologist (or is it psychiatrist? I get them confused!) Good luck!
When we had parenting classes, he was in "kids classes" to help him deal with the things that come up in life. The thing that bothered me most about that is that the counselor he had was a student, and she was alone in a room with a group of 8-10 kids, most of them aged 4-7, he was 9 and the oldest in there. Also he can put on a good act when he wants to, so I'm sure he was as sweet as pie in there, because he would always win something out of the prize box. We have a drs appt on Monday for him, it will be hard to talk to the dr, because I will have to take my 2 little ones with me, but I'm going to see if he will prescribe something on his own to see if it will help. There pretty much are no other psych.s here in town, as we live in a town run by 1 major hospital, all the drs and dentist and eye drs are all in this hospital.. except the dr we go to.
Wow..it sounds like your going through a real tough time. And it sounds like your son defiantly has some issues and needs some kind of therapy or a way to out let what anger he has built up in him. It sounds like he's just as miserable as you are. I hope you can get this resolved. (Hugs)
This is an extremely difficult position. I am not a child psychologist, but I have studied the subject extensively (and I can relate--a smidge--to one aspect of it). My husband is also not my son's biological father; we were divorced when Cameron was 2. My ex retained his rights, although I have full custody. He has some very extreme tendencies with verbal abuse and I definitely can relate to hoping your child doesn't take on those qualities. The first thing I do/did was to never, not EVER, speak badly of Cameron's father. Regardless of how much I despise him, from him I have the greatest gift of my life. I know you stated you guys try not to mention him, which is GREAT! I've read a lot on the subject of children of divorce and found that the number reason children rebel is due to one parent "trashing" the other. It cause them to be confused, angry, and defiant. When they get upset over something trivial and evoke a (deserved) scolding for it, they switch to "well if she doesn't like my father, then I can get back at her by being like him." Sure, they may not verbalize it or even realize that is why they are acting this way, but it is a real, subconcious decision. When Cameron has asked why my ex and I did not stay married I simply say "Sometimes 2 people do not get along together and can not stay married. We gave it our best try, but sometimes things can not last, although I'm so glad we got you out of it." No joke, that is word for word the script I've used countless times. If he gets upset with my ex for something I don't take the bait to trash him too; I say something to the effect of, "I understand that you are upset, but you should speak to him about it and try to see where he is coming from." Neutrality is SO important. Like I said, it sounds like you guys try not to say anything negative, but I know I've had to literally bite my tongue many times to keep it in! Also, I would highly recommend a one-on-one child psychologist. NOT any group stuff or family stuff at first. Just letting your son speak to someone neutral, alone, can really make a difference. My sister had a lot of behavioral problems when she was younger and she really made progress within a year of a personal psychologist. The psychologist would offer a family session only every 3 sessions or so, which really made my sister not feel "cornered" or on display. (She is fabulous now, by the way, and has done a lot of good with her life so far!) For tantrums, one thing that has always worked with Cameron is isolation. When your son gets out of control, isolate him immediately. If he is throwing a tantrum, he can sit in a room with the door closed and only return when it's over. If he refuses to go, take your children outside to play in the yard and check on him every 5 min to make sure he isn't being destructive. You may have to forcibly remove him if he persists. This does 2 things: 1) keeps you from completely losing it! 2) Lets your children see that you will not tolerate this behavior. You will not fight with them, you will not lose control. You will simply walk away and not give the satisfaction of a response until a person is reasonable. I would put off schooling formally until you can get these behaviors under control. Even if it takes a year, you said he was performing at a higher level, so for sure he can catch up. I would say something like "We are still going to do some light activities, but the most important thing in the world to me is for you to feel happy and to not feel as though you need to act out the way you have been. I want you to respect me and to care for me the way I respect and care for you. Your education is very important to me also, and I know that once we get help, you are going to be able to focus much better on your studies, since you are so bright." (now, granted, that's a long paragraph to say to a kid, but it's just off the top of my head, so forgive me!) I DO tend to talk that way to my son, though, because I think that even if some of it goes over their head, they get a lot more than we tend to think. Complimenting him and speaking about counseling as "help you to get along and be happy" instead of "making him act better" can really change how he sees it also. I strongly advise against saying things like "You are bad" or "How did you get this way?" (Not that you can help it sometimes (I know I slip!), but these phrases play havoc with a child's self-esteem. THEY are not bad; their behavior is. Asking them why they are the way they are is also counter-productive. They don't know! If it were me, and everyone is different--not wrong, different--I would try all avenues before sending him to boarding school. I won't list the reasons for this, since it's my personal opinion and I don't want to discourage any decision you might make, but I really would read everything I could find on this subject, try every method, etc. before sending him away. I wish you so much luck, and am so sad you are going through this. I will be hoping that things turn around. *Hugs*
Sommer I am so sorry. My oldest is not my husbands either. She was 4 when we got together but she just loves him to death and calls him daddy. I do see her father in her from time to time and it is usually the bad side. I also have a step son. He was 9 when I met him and is 17 now. He had a horrible upbringing by his mother (I use that term loosely). This prize of a woman just got out of Texas State Prison a month ago. He is a completely screwed up individual. I hate to say it but he is. He already has a one year old child and isn't with the mom. Kid has major issues. Two years ago he was supposed to come and live with us at my hubby's request. Talk about a huge change for us all. It was terrible from the begining, got worse and in the end he ended up lying, using my husband and leaving without saying a word. We started to look into "boarding schools" if that is what you want to call it. Basically places for troubled, out of control boys to go so they can work out their issues in a positive place. Because of his mother we were not able to send him anywhere. After that is when things went downhill fast and he started doing drugs and got a girl pregnant. He has been kicked out of school so many times I can't even count. Personally I believe that the boys school could have changed his life. There is no shame in saying "I can't do this anymore somebody help me!" If that is what you need to do then do it and don't feel bad about it. I know it could have helped my step son. I know what you mean about him affecting the other children. My step son was a horrible influence on my girls. Everything he did or said was defiant or just the total opposite of what we were trying to instill in our girls. I hope that you and your husband can make the best decision for your son. Sometimes what we want to do and need to do are two totally different things. I wish you all the best.
I too have a situation similar to yours. My oldest is not my hubby's. I have always been open to my son about why his bio dad isn't in the picture. Bio dad was put into prison when oldest was 10months old and hasn't been involved since. When oldest was 1 1/2 years old we moved back to my home state of WA. Beings i was still married to bio dad at the time he still had a lot of control over what i did with my life. I ended up living with bio dad's mom. When i finally was able to get on my feet again I moved out on my own and filed for divorce at which point bio dad's mom filed for custody of my son. It was a horrible situation all around because I had to let her have my kid for weekends even though I didn't want to. She tried her hardest to poison my kid against me. I met a wonderful guy during this process who stood by me and supported me in what i did. We've been married 9 years now. My oldest too this day does not respect me one bit. bio dad's family cut off all contact with us. even though they are only 3 hours away. My oldest homeschooled for 4 years up till this year when i got tired of dealing with my kids attitude and let him go back to public school. my younger 2 kids have picked up his attitude and it's a struggle everyday with them. my oldest has issues in public school I have to focus on his achievements and try hard not to focus too much on what he don't do. I have to let him fail or succeed on his own. I really try to emphasize to him that education is important. We have to be very strict on what the kids do during their time. My oldest has lost tv, computer and everything until he gets passing grades in his classes. Every day is a struggle and i have to realize that i need to take 1 day at a time. focus on the positive.
i agree with a lot of this. i too had a step son who was totally out of control. we did send him to a boys school/home. the best thing to come of that was my peace of mind. he eventually got kicked out of there. very long story. he is now 20 been married and divorced he is awol from the army and on the run from the law. cant hold down a job etc... i would give you this advise. do not let him and his actions make you and your family miserable. if i had to redo i would ignore most of the behavior and see to my younger kids safety and happiness. i know most would not agree with this, but some people just dont change and its not your fault that he wont adhere to the rules. you also have a responsibility to yourself and your other children. also i would try to filter out the NORMAL childhood behavior and let some of that stuff go. focus mainly on the violent or distructive issues and let the rest go. my children learned what NOT to do by watching his actions. and at times i have said (not in front of ss) do you want to be like "ss"? usualy it is a big no with different actions following. this is a very hard situation to be in. but if you think him being in a boys home is what he needs then do that. it would also give you a little time to breathe. but i feel like you REALLY need to focus on the younger ones behavior before they get any older.
This is sort of off the beaten track but have you gone for some counselling regarding your ex and/or your relationship with your son? You are seeing his behaviour very much through the lens of his bio father - much of your post was about that - so it might be possible that even with your best efforts Garrett is still sensing something from you that he's reacting against. Not that he doesn't have serious issues, just that there may be something going on with your relationship that you can't see that might be making it harder to sort out his behaviour. And I don't mean you're at fault and are to blame. It's just that relationships are complicated things and we bring a lot of baggage to them, often a lot we don't even realize we're carrying. You've been through a lot and I'm betting it's left scars and affects you in ways you don't even know about yet. It's worth it to explore every option. You're a great mom with a lot of love and strength and I know you'll get through this.
Your whole post was great but that's especially good advice. A kid really needs to feel safe to be able to talk and ascrazy as it sounds, having family around sometimes isn't safe. It's hard to say what you really feel when you think it might hurt your family.
I can understand, at least partially, where you're coming from. My dd is not dh's bio child. Her bio father has been out of the picture since she was about & he molested her. Like your hubby, my dh has accepted her as his own from the very beginning & doesn't favor our son over her in any way (even though ds is his only bio child). Dd has ODD & severe, combination-type ADHD. We've dealt with the violent tantrums, the embarrassing fits in public, the anger, stealing, & lying. When we lived in an apartment, I was always afraid someone would hear her tantrums & call DCFS on us, thinking that we were abusing her. She would throw things, break things, sit in her room & scream like someone was beating her (even though she was alone in her room). We've had a few times where she has been violent towards her brother. I contemplate boarding school on a regular basis & probably would've tried it if we could afford it. Getting her into therapy hasn't helped much, yet. Her first therapist didn't recognize the ODD & was just treating her for ADHD. He told us that he couldn't help her because there was nothign we hadn't already tried & even asked me how I managed to deal with her behavior without beating her. We stopped seeing him & found someone else. The new therapist hasn't helped much either, but is still trying. The therapist just started an anger management class that dd is in. It meets once a week & dd gets homework from it. It's a real class with actual curriculum. I'm hoping this will help. We got her through the violent tantrums by talking with her about more appropriate ways to deal with her emotions and reminding her about them when she started to have a fit. Sometimes, we would have to sit on the floor, holding her, to keep her from destroying something or hurting someone. Eventually, she stopped the really bad tantrums. She still stomps through the house, slams doors, and screams at us, but it's better than it was. There has to be a Dr in your town that will diagnose without opinions from teachers, babysitters, etc. I would just keep looking until you find someone who is willing to work with you on this. You son needs help & someone has to be willing to help him. Keep looking until someone. I understand the frustration and the feeling that it's all your fault. I've lived with that for years myself. Just keep reminding yourself that this is NOT YOUR FAULT, it's not your dh's fault, and it's not entirely your son's fault. He has some issues that he needs to work through, and until he gets the help he needs, he's going to continue like this. The best thing you can do for him is to keep searching for the answer & let him know that you love him & always will, even though he often acts in a way you don't like. I really hope you find a Dr that is willing to work with him, for all your sakes.
I'm sorry you have to deal with all this, Sommer. If you do send him to Milton Hershey School, isn't that free?
If we do send him, yes it is free. Hubby and I are doing some talking... I have ordered a few books that I have wanted to try to help us for a long time, so hopefully they will help us as well. I honestly don't want to give up, I'm not a quitter.. a procrastinator for sure, but I am not a quitter. I know we all have a lot to work on.. and I love all of the advice. I will say I doubt that we will get into much counseling because our copay on such things is going from $30/person/session to $40/person/session at the frist of the year, not a big jump, but even $30 every week or so isn't in our budget.
