Hey Sommer, I just wanted to give you some hope. My ds was awful at that age. And I don't mean ordinary awful...violent and abuse to his teachers, to us and to his sister. Tantrums like I'd never seen. So bad we called an ambulance one day. I could see the future for him of delinquincy, illiteracy and prison. Now he is happy, loving, and pretty normal. He is doing well with his school work, and came 3rd recently at the national acrobatics championships. So it can be done, it is possible to get through this. It is hard work, and stressful, but worth it in the end. And there are days when you just want someone to come take him away. What did we do that worked? Well, homeschooled him. Went to group therapy sessions on anger management and friendship building skills. Play therapy. Fish oil. Reward programs. Pschyiartrist sessions. Avoided situations that we knew would stress him out. There is no magic bullet. I don't think any one thing was 'it', ykwim? But all together, with perserveance, and working together as a family unit, we got through it. You can too.
Thanks, this is what I need to hear! I have decided to drop school down to one subject a day for a while, and when I feel we can pick back up we will add one a day and ride that out a while and then one more etc. He will still be doing his ASL, because he LOVES it (OMG, I found something he likes to do!!) We are going to spend lots of time working on character qualities and how to control our actions. "Our" meaning all of us, hubby and I as well as ALL the kids. We all need to work on opening the lines of communication, so that will be a big focus as well. Thanks for all of the help.. it really means alot!
((((Sommer)))) I have two book suggestions for you. One, I haven't read myself, but have heard good things about it, is "Have a New Kid by Friday" I cannot remember the author, but he is a Christian Psychologist. The other is "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Kurchinka (spelling on last name may be incorrect) This book changed my parenting...although she is not a proponent of corporal punishment, and I have used spanking effectively at times. I am also not a psychologist...but here, as a mom, is my advice. (I have a blended family also) Now, while I understand not badmouthing the ex and all, when my dd would say, "why doesn't my dad call me, or see me or whatever..." I answered. "I don't know. He should. Maybe you could call and ask him." My dh accused me of making excuses for ex, and maybe I did, but I do think that it is important to acknowledge that certain behavior of the father is unacceptable. (my dd does feel like I lied to her about him some...in that I told her he loved her and all...which she says he did not) Stress responsibility. Assure Garret that he CAN control himself, that biology is not destiny. Trust me, at 12, he has thought about "being like his dad" and worried that he cannot do anything about it. Assure him he CAN be his own man and you will do everything you can to assist him. It was about 12 yo that dd and I sat down and had a heart to heart about why I left her father. At 18 I told her that I was sorry, but I could not speak to him (or 4th wife) anymore, and that she was responsible for that relationship now. Sit down with him when he is not acting up and tell him you are frustrated with his behavior. See if he can recognize how he feels just before he looses it. My ds (fit thrower extraordinaire) said his "tummy got hot" if he could catch it at that point we could often get stuff changed before the explosion. Hang in there...let him know that you love him no matter what...but not the behavior. and for what it is worth, my nephew went to a sort of outward bound camp...and it helped. (he missed a sem. of school to do it, but he is doing better.) and he is from and intact family with a very responsible father...so some kids have harder rows to hoe.
I have no advice. Just wanted to offer support of some kind. I can't imagine all you and your son have gone through. I think you are such a caring mom to try everything in your power to make your son's life better. Even when thing seem out of joint, just know you are doing everything you can for your son and it won't go without reward.
Dr. Kevin Leman is the author of the book mentioned. He has several books about parenting, marriage, etc and has been featured on Focus on the Family and similar shows. I've read several of his books. He's also very homeschool friendly.
The fact that he knows how to behave to receive the approval of the counselor in his "kids class" indicates that his issues are probably not medically based. However, I would do whatever it takes to rule out that possibility first. Then, I'd assume that its all normal boy stuff -- amplified. My son is only seven, but he has given me some of the same attitude. We have worked very hard to be consistent with him and to apply the consequences even when he is suddenly remorseful. (That is hard; I always want to give him a second, third, fourth chance.) He needed to learn that sorry (for a willful act) could not erase the consequences. I've had to stay home from a family vacation outing with him, so that he would learn that we are serious. When he doesn't pick up his room when he is told to, I take a garbage bag and gather all the toys that are left out. The first time, I allowed him to earn them back. The second time, I donated them. There hasn't been a third time. When he doesn't do the chores I ask him to do, he doesn't get to do the fun things we have planned; even if it means that one of us has to stay home with him. Once it meant that he had to go along with me, and just sit in a chair by the pool while the rest of us swam. He cried the whole time; it was really hard, and I think the lifeguard was about to call CPS, but I didn't have to do it again. He disobeyed me in a very defiant manner at a play date; we left immediately. (My friend also has a son and is very understanding.) I try not to yell; I speak calmly,tell him the consequences and then stick to them. If he argues about it, he gets additional consequences. Overall, my son is a good boy; I think he really wants to do what is right; he loves us and wanys to please us, but sometimes his own desires lead him down the wrong path. Like the desire to play leds him to say, "No, I'm not doing school" or the desire to watch a movie leads him to say, "Do it yourself" when I ask him to do his chores. Oh...karate is good too for discipline and self-control if you can find a reputable school
He has asked about Karate, there are no schools within a 45 minute drive each way from here. They used to be all over the place here when I was a kid, I don't know what happened to them, maybe it was just the Karate Kid era and it has since passed?
I am sorry i have no advice, but wanted to offer lots of hugs, it is very hard when your children are like that, my children are younger so i cant suggest alot but have you had him tested for any intolerances? its amazing what certain foods can do! does he do a lot of sport, as it may be a way for him to channel himself in a positive way. hth mt3 x
They have never tested him for intolerances, what does that intail? He doesn't do sports, we made him play baseball for 2 years, he hated ever second of it, but he was actually pretty good at it. He has only shown interest in soccer, and when it comes time for signups he says he doesn't want to do it. He would like to do Karate, but like I just posted, there is no where around here for it
*hugs* I hope what I have written helps you in some way. Before you try expensive therapy first see if your son has any food allergies or fungal infections. They can cause the kind of behavior you're suggesting. Many of the symptoms run in families BECAUSE FOOD ALLERGIES RUN IN FAMILIES. When I eat eggs I get crazy ADHD symptoms. I get angry, I can't concentrate. This wasn't discovered for some time and I actually thought I was going crazy. I even hallucinated and had panic attacks. With eggs out of my diet now I'm fine. I've done a LOT of research on psychotropic drugs (after my ex-husband went on them, started going into rages and tried to kill me) and while some people have found benefit, you just don't know how your son will react. Kids as young as age 9 have committed suicide on them. If you don't believe me, watch this. With my stepdaughter, cutting out TV was a BIG help. We had to get rid of it entirely and I can't believe how her attitude changed! She went from being ornery, stubborn, and wild to a calm, happy and listening child. Her schoolwork took off (she was doing poorly at first) and after reading about the bad effects of TV (even cartoons and educational shows) we decided no more TV at our house. She does watch it at her mom's...and always comes back ornery, stubborn and I hate to say it...stupid. Some kids can watch TV and be fine but not my stepdaughter. Maybe try those two things before you get serious on medical help. I think if you cut out TV entirely for 2 weeks you'd see a change (my husband and I watch it after she goes to bed). Good luck!
We live in England so testing i think is different, but your doctor should be able to arrange allergie/ intolerance testing, you could look at alternatives like kinesiology, which asks the body questions and is very helpful, we just found out dd2 is gluten intolerant, and the hospital will be doing more tests soon! my dh has anger management issues, please dont get me wrong not towards us, its things like doors etc, so we are getting him a punch bag and gloves so when he feels angry he can go outside and punch the bag, its a good way to channel agression in a positive way. i think it is important for children to understand their own anger and how to control it, unfortunately dh was not encouraged like this as a child so he has had to start all over again as an adult our dd1 has issues with anger and we are working with her which is hard! here in England, our local borough have 'family support workers', who help children with anger but wont do anything until the child is 7-8, so our dd is too young, i found out about this service through our health visitor for our younger children, it is a service which is free, and it can help children to talk to someone outside the family. have you spoken to your gp, cause i found them very helpful, when dd1 was self harming. sorry to bombard with thoughts just dd2 is crying and i wrote what came into my head
I have not read all the way through, but am thinking, that I would like to add your son Garret to my personal prayer list. My ds had some tantrum issues, though he is not any letters or anything he just turned out to need more sleep than most of us... So I work to make him sleep longer Even though its a fight at night it really does help. He improves majorly with that and do you have any one on one time with ds? Cause that too is important to his growth as a child, he is obviously old enough to understand that he is odd man out and will need that special mom and me time, I found that even helped with my ds, we started a "just mom n me" outing for a while, and from how things are going I can tell i NEED TO do that more again. during this time we talk about stuff he likes to do, and how to change behaviors.. while doign something fun! Usually its simple like going to a park, where we can get some excersise a MUST for my ds, or to get a beverage and walk around in stores... if he was extra well behaved he would get a treat , if not then we just had our time together alone, no other kids. I think through the years i have done this with all my kids. My mom used to do this with us too. We had our special times with her, and later as a teen I found time with my dad while he worked on his cars. It is very speciial to me as an adult to know I am making good memories. I dont think it would be good to send him away because he would feel totally abandoned. Obviously he was there during some of your abusive relationship and will ahve scars there that need to be delt with. Find a good Christian or kid counselor who can deal with that first, he needs to heal just like you right> You can do this! Really! As for the younger two, I would come down harder on them, time out time out time out! Watch SuperNanny or Nanny 911, get some techniques from her! Seriously! she has stuff I have used when teaching hard to handle kids in PreK< preschool years! They work! Oka I am rambling here Im tired, toss out anything that you see as dumb stuff you already tried hahah! I am sure you are at yoru wits end, at his age he is a a pique of this kind of behavior, from what I have seen though in friends with kids on med, or not with Add, or ocd, or whatever the rest of those letters are, They all come down to getting it set at 10 yr old, then things start to work for htem... so it could be his age? Take a break, have a good breather! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!
Thanks so much ladies! I took a day away, I took just the 2 little ones and went to my mom's for the day. I purposely didn't bring up Garrett, because I need to get over any resentment I have over his behavior. Garrett went with hubby to help rip our all the carpet at my in-laws house and make sure the floors are ready for all new carpet to come on Monday. I feel so much more refreshed... I know this is just the beginning of a long hard road, but hey a start is a start!
that is great! It always helps to get away and take a breath of fresh air for a while. Ilove the idea of dh taking son too! This way they can do fathher son bonding, since he is the true father in my view, the one who is there who is doing the right things, etc to be considered his dad! Myabe that is someeting thta could help? sorry I am typing so poorly today! I cant keep up with my own typos! lol
That's hard! I have some issues of my own regarding this with one of my kids. It's a day-by-day thing sometimes to work through that kind of stuff. You're definitely strong enough for it though!
taking time away is vital! i too had resentment issues with ss. i like alot of the ideas and such mentioned. when i said before to ignore things, i am just saying dont let this ruin your quality of life. we tried and tried any and everything with ss and looking back i know i would not have let his behavior so completely swamp our lives. i would have picked my battles more wisely. and not been so hard nosed about the normal issues. those things alone would have made our lives a LOT more tolerable. anyhoo hugs and prayers!
Have you tried getting creative with punishments? My dh & I have had to come up with some odd ones for dd. One that helped with the slamming doors (we still have to pull this one out every once in a while) is: if she slammed a door, she had to properly open & close that door 25 times. If she slammed it while doing the punishment, she had to start over. The next time she slammed the door that day, it was 50 times, then 75, etc. There was one day when she got up to 200 times in one punishment. After that, she stopped slamming doors so much. Also, helping her recognize when she is getting upset, and having her do something to calm down right away has helped. We've given her a variety of things to do to calm down - deep breaths, counting to ten, writing in a journal, exercise, etc. If we can catch her before she gets too upset, she can usually calm herself down pretty quickly, though not always. I combine as many of her subjects as I can. That way, she doesn't get too overloaded with work. I also started something new this year. Each day of the week, she gets assigned 2-3 subjects. That's it. She gets assigned a week's worth of work for each subject. With a few exceptions (Math, Writing Strands, Spelling/Vocab), she usually finishes each subject the day it was assigned. That way, she's only working on a few subjects a day. Something else that may help is to alternate subjects - do Science for the first half of the year & Social Studies for the second half, or do Art one year and Music the next year (except, of course, practicing an instrument, if he plays one). Something like that would also cut down his work load. Also, there should be something he can do regularly, regardless of his behavior. Maybe have a family game night once a week, and everyone gets to participate. That way, he knows you all still love him & want to do things with him, even though his behavior isn't always the best. We've recently started family game nights each week, and I'm already starting to see a little improvement in dd. It's a long road & takes some trial & error, but you have to figure out what works for your family. I hope some of this helps.
we do this too! Playing board games or catch phrase together is such a fun just plain fun time! Apples to Apples has a jr level now too! So those with younger kids can get that, it is so funny to play it and yet at the same time opens conversations into history! HA! recent history but stil!
This is a very old post, but I have been ready to "Throw in the Towel". I have tried a lot of different things with my 16 year old and nothing seems to work. I was at the dr's on Wed and was telling her about it, she suggested a counselor. I was on my way home and tuned into the local Christian radio program and low and behold there was a person talking about my problem. He was Kevin Leman. He was telling about his book "Have a New Kid by Friday". I said to myself, yeah, right. I picked up his book at the library and started ready last night. I used some of his techniques and am really surprised how different my day was. Just in one day. My son wasn't sure what was happening, but, I think we are on the right track. Please, please, if you are having trouble with kids from newborn-30's pick up this book and read it immediately. It will help you a lot. I didn't read all the other posts on here, but this is really good. I know, another book, another cure, just read it.
