I really really need a break!!!! I have children with my 24-7 literally. They sleep in my room! Every single time I get one child out, the next comes in. I cannot speak on the phone or be marital-ish with my dh. DS7 goes to sleep in my room by 9:30pm. He has anxiety so attempts to move him from the room result in him waking up screaming. Then, dd 13 follows me around the house wanting to visit, as does ds5. The other day, dh and I started to "snuggle" and pounding starts on the door. At first, we returned to the door a few times to direct the 5 and 7 yr old to activities. But then the 14 yr old shows up...twice! After the 2nd time, along comes 13 yr old. More than an hour had passed by now and dh left the room and went back to playing on the computer. I was frustrated. Tried again in the morning, but of course, 2 children were sleeping on the floor. It is not just the marital relations. I know I should be happy my children want to be with me. But it is constant. Today, I had to make a phone call over something. I had had to make that call for months actually. I suddenly realized I was alone so I grabbed the phone and called. As soon as I am speaking to the person (had problem at the childrens gym and was complaining) in run 2 children. I tried to wave them away, but then in walks 13 yr old. I finally had to leave the room. I do not think the problem with the gym was taken seriously as it seemed like it may have been obvious that I was quickly running from room to room trying to concentrate and stay where I can hear and they can hear me. I am not sure if they heard me, no point in calling back I guess. I just look stupid. Then, late this afternoon, after spending the entire day out with my children, doing things with them, I called an old friend from back where I grew up. After chit chatting for a short while, in comes my 13 yr old. I tried to indicate to her that I am busy, but she just sat there. It was clear that she knew I was busy. She has the nerve to complain to me if I talk on the phone to anyone else or even go do anything with anyone else. It is rare I do something with someone else. I can honestly say, other than with my dh, I maybe have done stuff with others that did not include her maybe 4 times in the last year. I finally had to hang up with my friend (who is actually an old family friend so she is much older...as in, my parents age) and she just wanted to chat herself. But she was with me the ENTIRE day! But she was bouncing around and making faces at me to get off the phone as if it were an emergency. I do not wish to alienate my children, but I cannot even speak to anyone else or have relationships with others over this. I can barely have a relationship with my own husband over this. Just now, so I could type this post, I kicked three children out of my room. They were upset, but they had to go. My 13 yr old will stay in my bedroom at night talking to me (it is not always a 2 way conversation, she loves to talk) and will go on and on while I tell her over and over again that I need to go to sleep now. I cannot sleep through her talking, but sometimes, often times, after about 11pm, I will just close my eyes and be quiet so she will think I am asleep. It works...usually. She will talk for a while after I do that, but then gives up and leaves or falls asleep herself. Where do you set the boundaries on space and time and all? How do you draw the line without cutting off communications and such with your children? I don't want to shut them out completely, but with as old as my children are, I should at least be able to go to the bathroom by myself. I need to be able to sleep at night. I need some downtime at some point, to read this board, or the news, or something, without fear of waking a child. I also would like to be able to speak to my dh or kiss, or whatever, without fear of being caught or being interrrupted. I swear, when my children leave for college, I will really have an empty nest as dh and I never spend time together. My emotional needs have not been met in a long time because I am constantly listening to and interracting with my children. I love them and do not want to do damage to our relationships, but I am tired of this. Help!!!
Do you have a Mommy Time? I know I've talked about it before, but if you don't do it, it might be a place to start. Send them to their rooms for a half-hour of Silent Reading. If your younger ones aren't reading yet, they can look at books. Let them know that they MAY NOT INTERRUPT YOU during this time!!! Set the timer, and NO ONE comes out of their room unless the see flames coming from the walls!!! Then, I would also take a walk around the block in the evenings with your DH. Your older ones are old enough for you to leave them in charge. It will only take about 10 or 15 minutes, and it's something you two can do to get back in touch with each other. If it is possible to leave the kids alone for a longer amount of time (not knowing your individual kids, I don't know if that's an option...it depends on the kids and their maturity, make-up, special needs, etc.) and go out for desert or something for about an hour once or twice a month. Or a longer walk or SOMETHING! I understand anxiety, and your need to be flexible with that. But you need to set boundaries somehow, and demand they be respected. Even with the anxiety, I am sure there's some kind of boundaries that would be fair and take his special needs into consideration.
I'm afraid I'm not going to be much help... but I wanted to send you (((hugs))). I know how you feel, but I have three children 3 and under and kind of expect to be never left alone. However, having said that, they all go to bed at 6/6.30 pm (in their own beds) and wake at 5/6ish. So I have a good 12 hours to myself. I simply cannot imagine the stress of a 13yo wanting to talk all night when you truly need rest. I am trying to set boundaries now whilst my kids are still young (hence the sleeping in their own beds) we've stuck to this rigidly, but it is not the least bit easy sometimes. Sometimes I've found myself sleeping on their floor at 3/4am. All I can say is you just have to put your foot down and set your boundaries and get tough. You are not rejecting your kids if you are taking care of yr relationship w their father. A happy mother makes for a happy house, I think. I would sit the older children down and explain to them about space and privacy. Good luck, my heart goes out to you. Katrina.
It is especially getting to me too that my 13 yr old daughter won't give me time to myself. She refuses to read. She declared a hate for reading a long time ago. I try to tell her she has to read anyway. I buy her any book and take her to the library. But she LOVES to talk. I took her out for several hours yesterday and took her to eat at La Madeline which she loves and so on. But nope, she still gets upset when I try to have an adult conversation with someone. I am tired of the 7 and 5 yr old being in my room all the time, but at least they are younger and still being trained. My daughter should have more boundaries by now. I think not having a sister is not helping. But my daughter gets plenty of girl time and plenty of time and won't give me time to myself. My marriage is not that great at times. I feel like dh is disappointed in me and tired of me. I cannot speak to him as he snaps half the time. I am 8 months pregnant now and have had a difficult pregnancy so I have been pretty worthless for a while now.
First off big ((((((HUGS)))))))))) You sound like a very dedicated mother. But you are right you need to set boundaries. They will be tough to enforce, but if you stick with it-the kiddos will finally learn. Everyone is different, but for dh & I-our bedroom if off limits to the kids. If they need something in my room (rare) they have to have permission to go in there. This is our only space that is not taken over by children. I think this will also make your dh feel a little special as well. He needs to know you have room for him in your life. Remember-he is priority. Second I would incorporate a punishment list for the following offenses: Interrupting (this will cover the phone) Ease Dropping (phone thing) Add what your children struggle with. For instance my girls like to smile at each other when the other is corrected. For that "crime" they have to make their sisters bed the next day. I have gotten very creative and for the more severe "crimes" such as physically hitting-I make them do something big-like vacuum out my van! It's different for everyone-but I started this over constant interruptions when I finally needed to have a 5 minute phone conversation. If you also make your room off limits then you can escape in a stressful time. If you are in need of a 5 minute calgon moment go lay on your bed and breathe. I would have interruption punishment for knocking on the door, talking through the door, etc. (Of course there are 2 reasons it's ok: 1. someone not breathing 2.fire! LOL) But they will get the idea. I hope you are able to find something that works for your family!:love:
Please! I've had calls to make and months went by before I could make the call. I can't call the gyn, the urologist, or any of those types, because Jeannie will ask all kinds of questions. I feel like she's too young to worry about what problems her mom might have. Our bedrooms are all walk through, so I can't even make the call from my bedroom while she works, cause my son might hear! I understand your frustration, I really do.
I should add that one question is, how much time does a 13 yr old girl need to spend interracting? I wish she would just read a book, or research something, or anything like that. It is like she is bored so she runs of the mouth constantly trying to fill in the blanks. I used to spend my summers with my grandparents and spent half that time at the library. It may have been boring, but I do not think my grandparents would have tolerated me following them from room to room, talking constantly like this.
It sounds like she has not learned to entertain herself. Require her to spend an hour a day doing something completely alone. Sitting outside thinking. Making jewelry. Something. She will learn. She just has to be taught. Not to scare you, but I had a friend who was the same way as a teen, when she got married her husband worked a lot. She wound up cheating on him several times because she couldn't stand being alone. Of course we no longer talk, so I don't know what came of it, but my point is people need to learn to be alone and be ok with it. I would recommend starting on it right away! (((((HUGS)))))
((((Hugs)))) I definintely know where you're coming from. I have a son (who is 16) and he never was a kid who could entertain himself. And since he's the oldest, he didn't have an older sibling to play with, it was always me, until he was 2 and I had his brother. But anyway, he was always a "clingy" kiddo. Followed me from room to room, never wanted to leave my side, stuff like that. And he would always do the same thing to me when I was on the phone, or talking with a friend ect. He suffers from severe anxiety and always wanted me to do everything with him, and be everywhere he was(and vice versa). He had been seeing a counselor for a few years, and this was always a topic of concern. So one day, the counselor told it to me like this...... He's like a calf, they nurse on the momma for a while and when the momma tries to wean them off, the calf will follow her around trying to nurse. The momma will run from the calf, and the calf will run and run and run until he catches her. When the momma gets tired of running she will kick the calf away. And finally the calf learns NOT to run the momma down and try to nurse, 'cause she's going to kick the crap out of him. (sorry for the crap word:shock And that's what helped me, and my son. Kind of silly sounding I know. So, I just thought of myself as that momma cow that was being run to death by him. Because I was like you, I would go room to room, just trying to talk on the phone. It was driving me crazy. And now, it doesn't happen anymore. And one night a week me and my best friend go out to eat. My ds didn't like that at first, but I told him that he gets to go with his friends, and so am I. My youngest ds .......you never know he's on the place. He's always entertained himself. Funny how kids can be so different.
I can remember my mother getting frustrated at me for doing the same things you are talking about, of course I was an only child and raised on a farm so there weren't playmates really for me to interact with. Finally my mother started signing me up for classes at a local pottery shop, she would take me to the class once a week and make sure that after class I had enough pottery work to keep me busy for maybe an hour or two a day each day of the week. Then she would find other things that I liked to do as well and eventually I would keep myself busy for a while each day. You just need to find something that she really likes to do so that you can have some peace.
Wow, it sounds like you have a hand full. I don't know what I would do if my 14 and 12 year old did that. I feel for you, I really do. I hope they learn how to independently rely on themselves for entertainment.
If my siblings and I were bored we got cleaning work. Immediately. My kids are being raised the same. If you have a recording device have your daughter talk to you for periods of time into the machine or into the camcorder. She could even listen to what it is she would like to tell you. Who knows it may be good for speech class?
I understand you don't get much time to yourself. You may have to set them down for a "meeting" and tell them that there will be some new rules. Like when my door is shut that means I need privacy. They can wait until it opens. And like you have a bed so use it. I know it feels like you are shutting them out but in reality they need to learn to give others some space also. They can deal with some of lifes minor issues on their own. Just my two cents. I would go crazy without some rules of privacy in my home.
She has a few people, she has had chances. She belongs to an orchestra which has a small handful of girls her age. I have introduced her to a few others too, like through the homeschool store. I have offered her many other activities where she might meet others too.Then she still has her siblings and such.
I think the basic thing here is a need for consequences. Sit the whole family down and outline what will no longer be acceptable behavior and outline what the consequences will be for disobeying. Make sure to write it all out on a posterboard [much like the rules and consequences are spelled out on large posters in schools]. As another poster suggested, you should carve out 30 minutes [or more] in the day which is just 'personal time.' The timer idea is a good one; the timer doesn't lie, and everyone's more apt to trust it. Our room in our house is expressly off-limits unless you've been invited in. If you enter without permission, you get into serious trouble. We've been firm on that from the start. Unfortunately, since you haven't made hard, fast rules about this intrusive behavior from the beginning, you're going to have a longer, harder road ahead. Get with your husband and figure out what rules you want to create, what the consequences will be if they're not followed [and, remember, consequences should have room to escalate as a rule gets repeatedly broken during a day], and how the two of you will enforce those consequences. You BOTH need to be willing to put your collective foot down and keep it down, even when it feels like the situation's getting worse rather than better...and, I'm sorry to say, but that's probably exactly what's going to happen. Consistency will be your friend in this. And, with a new one on the way, make sure you keep those rules firm as that one ages.
Pat yourself on the back for having the patience of Job. I would flip my lid if I were in your shoes. I'm mean. My bedroom is off limits unless they are invited, and if they bother me while I'm on the phone, I send them to their rooms until I'm done. In addition, my husband regularly takes one or all of them off my hands in the evening and the weekend. The other thing I've done is if I ask for some quiet time and they disturb me for silly reasons, I give them chores. If the choice is between entertaining themselves or folding towels, they suddenly become very inspired to choose their own activities. Like I said, I'm mean, but if I were stalked 24/7 I'd be meaner!
She's 13. She's old enough to know what it means when you tell her GO AWAY!!! No, you don't tell her that all the time, but when you DO, you MEAN IT. It's not mean or hateful to expect her to let you alone sometimes. I've had to remind Rachael that this is an ADULT conversation, and she is NOT an adult yet (regardless of how much SHE thinks she is!). I don't care if she DOESN'T like to read. Doing it for a half hour isn't going to kill her. I would actually ASSIGN specific books, since she's a pain about reading what SHE wants. Believe me, I'm all for talking with her, etc. I think it's wonderful that she wants to talk with you so much!!! But the boundaries have to be there, too!
You have recieved some great advice here. I just wanted to send you ((((((hugs))))))and share the best advice I got when we started having kids. " They join your life you don't join theirs." I agree that you will have a fight on your hands at first, but it will be worth it when they figure out that things are acutally better when you have some breathing room. Stick to your guns and come see your friends here when it gets tough.
Oh my, I agree, you need to get your control back. Your bedroom should be definitely off-limits, with consequences for interrupting! Your marriage needs to take a higher priority than it has now! It's amazing how much it helps the kids peace of mind to see their parents together and happy! They need to learn to respect the fact that to have a happy family mom and dad need time together, and for daily happiness/well-being, each person needs to learn to have quiet time to relax, rest and rejuvenate! We started the quiet time when my boys were little, before I had my dd, so my dd has grown up with it. She could play quietly and happily in her crib/playpen! It WASN'T her natural tendency either, but it was just something that was done. My kids learned to appreciate the quiet time. When I started the boys (they were about 2 and 4), I started with 10 minutes, then rewarded them with praises of how great they did and built them up to the next step: "Next week we get to go 15 minutes! I bet you guys can do that, you're doing so well with 10 minutes this week!" That worked well! We went to 30 minutes until they were older and ASKED for more time! We went to 45 minutes, then 1 hour. It really does help everyone. It's a rest time, and breather time, and thought time, a reading time, etc. We started calling it QRT (Quiet Reading Time), and it ended up being one of the favorite parts of their day! When we first started, my dh and I made tapes of us talking, reading, singing the ABC song and Jesus Loves me (and other songs eventually), saying their memory verses, etc. Then they could listen to and join in quietly with the tape during quiet time, but that's the only "noise" that could be made (unless, as others said, there was a real emergency!) during the quiet time. That made the transition easier for them since they could hear mommy's and daddy's voices and felt more secure. That may work well with your ds that has anxiety problems. As others have said, it will be harder, since they're older and used to having free access to you whenever they feel like it. You may want to start small and build up to it when they're doing well with that lower amount of time. Reward them for doing well! They'll get the idea, and may even learn to like it! I'm quite sure your dh will appreciate being able to have uninterrupted time with you, and know that you are placing a high priority on your marriage relationship! I agree with what another poster said about talking this through with dh. Let him know you want him to be a high priority, so would like to set some boundaries! Another thought: Once you and your dh have talked through it some, involve the kids. Tell them this is what's being planned. Ask them what they feel would be good rewards for doing well, and what the consequences should be for not doing well! They often come through with stricter consequences than you would've come up with, and you can tempr their "We should each get $50 each time we do well" with counter-offers/suggestions that are reasonable! When they have a part in it, they tend to follow through better, and when they do receive a consequence, they really can't complain, since they knew the rules and they helped set up the consequences! You CAN and NEED TO do this!!! Best wishes!
