In my family, divorce is extremely rare. It has happened twice, with distance relatives. SO, I have this cousin, first cousin who is on my Facebook as is his wife. His wife is a SAHM and he works for the company my dh used to work for, but on the other side of the country. I don't know him well as we grew up so far apart. So I grew seeing him at Christmas and such. I stayed with his family a few times in college. He is younger than me so he was in middle school when I was finishing college. He has 2 young children, as in one a few months old and the other is about to turn 2. So his wife starts posting a few days ago that she was lonely. I sent her an email saying she can chat with me. I know what it is like to be home with small children all day. I sent hugs and such. Thing is, I have always felt that in marriage, 2 becomes one and the person who married in is just as much family as the one who was born in (or adopted in). So, I would consider her my cousin too. Then, she and her dh both post that they are getting divorced! He asked her for the divorce! Then it turns out he moved out a week ago. She is very lonely and he just seems like he is acting like a disconnected jerk. She recently had a baby and breastfeeds. You can read in to it, we can only guess at this point why he did this. Statistics do say something. But we do not really know so not a good idea to assume. So their posting is still going on and I sent her hugs again. She sent me a nice email. Never asking that anyone take sides, never explaining things..which I think is good character. I mean, they should not be spilling their marital issues to everyone. But the divorce is out there. I mean..it has been posted about. Now what? Do I just post every so often that I am thinking of her? What that be taking sides? I don't want to ignore them. I mean, I think I should ignore the divorce part, but I don't want to be the fair weather cousin who disappears when things are hard on someone. I have never known anyone to divorce before and have no interest in taking sides long distance like this. I have no desire to take sides period. What do I do? How do I show both sides that I care about them, without having either side think I am taking sides? uugghh!!!
i wouldn't take sides but you can still be friends with her, tell her you are thinking about her, she will need a friend
If you have her email address use that for personal talking etc. Just post about how the kids are doing to both of them. It sucks when people get divorced but I'm sure there is more to the story then what appears. Of course with 2 under 2 maybe he thinks this is the easy way out. Just ask her if she needs anything and if everything is going okay financially. If not maybe consider sending her a gift card to walmart or something so she can buy food or stuff for the kids. Let's just hope it turns out for the best and they can still be good parents and friends since that is what the kids will need.
I don't want to cause problems, but it seems to me, from what you have posted, that you have already chosen sides. Perhaps, but as things progress in a divorce, this often changes and you should be prepared for that.
He left cause she breastfeeds?? I guess the baby was taking what was rightfully his? I hate men. I really hate men.
What if he just found out the baby isn't his? You see, we don't know what is going on. I am cautious about making judgments about people, particularly when I do not have all the facts.
I guess this is possible, just unlikely. There would have been no reason for any sort of paternity test and the baby seems to look just like the older baby. But it is possible.
I am just referring to how he is coming off in his posts. I don't want to take sides publically or to them. I am just trying to explain how things are appearing on Facebook so you all will understand the problem better.
No, sorry, she breastfeeds, but I mentioned that to illustrate how it seems. I mean, most divorces are the result of at least one side having an affair. And I just have a hard time believing it is the one with 2 children under 2 yrs old, one of whom is a breastfeeding baby. I mean, she was recently pregnant and now has leaky breasts and 2 small children in tow? The physical probably of her having had an affair do not seem that high. Of course, there could be other issues. But he has been so cold to her in his posts and she has been so weepy and sad. But, I do not want to take sides in telling one of them that they are better than the other or otherwise, or that it is ones fault or anything. But you know how you get that feeling..how they are acting and behaving? But I am not saying anything to them, or anyone actually, except to you all, whom I have gone to for advice on how to handle this. I just want to tread nicely and hope they work out their problems and that a divorce does not happen.
Wait!!! I went back and reread the series of posts and such that led me to think in the direction I have been thinking. While her posts have been along the lines of loving him and missing him and being lonely, he actually made a post to the effect of ...out right saying actually, that he hopes she starts dating soon so he can be rid of her quicker. I don't think he would have said that if it had been her infidelity that led to this.
I think it's admirable that you're trying to remain a neutral party in this. However it has been my observation that when two people divorce; sooner or later one of them are going to want you to pick a side. It is really difficult to remain friends w/ both members of a couple when they are divorcing. When the couple divorcing is family, then you also have all the extra that goes along w/ family to contend w/ and unfortunantely it can become messy. LR
Sounds like you like them both. I would not choose sides and stay in contact with both of them. I would not respond to any disparaging comments, I would only keep it on a positive note. Sometimes when people take sides and then the couple get back together it is quite awkward. kwim? There are three sides to a story: His side~ Her side~ and the truth!
Could be that it's not his kid. That said, we don't know if anyone cheated on anyone, so you're only making it harder on yourself going down that road.
Well said. Right now you may only be seeing their emotions, not their reasons. It is not uncommon for things to get said in flippant manner when one is angry, hurt, or feeling helpless and hopeless. He may be the type to spout off, but not really mean what he says or regret it--we all have known people like that. I always go with doubting my own ability to judge the person, especially when in a highly stressful situation, as one would have to be to even seriously consider divorcing. Although we all tend to side with the one we perceive as the victim--not a bad thing, but still--I have known some clever "victims" that know how to push people's buttons so the real victim appeared to be the "bad guy" all while pulling at heartstrings with "poor me." After a couple of real surprises like that, I have been more cautious about assigning blame. Personally, when it comes to a divorce, I side with the children. I just feel so sad for them that I feel both parents are to blame...but that's just me.
You could just flat out ask them what happened. "Oh I'm so sorry what happened you all seemed so happy?" If you are worried about taking sides then just don't talk about it with them. Remember asking about the kids is always a good way not to bring up a divorce. "How's johnny is he sleeping through the night yet?" "Has Susie tried that new pedisure, my Billy really likes it" JMO
We have some friends who are getting a divorce. The wife disparages her soon to be ex-husband all the time and is always looking for someone to rally on her side. The dh on the other hand says nothing about her which I feels shows a lot of integrity. He told me that he is not interested in getting friends to side with him and he is fine if we remain neutral.
Ok, I have a lot of experience with divorced couples, and have learned that sometimes you can maintain a relationship with both & sometimes you can't. It really depends on the people involved. My great-uncle & his wife got divorced. She still comes to all of our family things & holidays. There was one year, right after the divorce, that she didn't come to Christmas because she thought it might be uncomfortable. Every year since then she's been there. She brings her new dh & my great-uncle brings his new wife. There's no hostility or tension at all (and in our family it would be out there in the open not hidden). I still call her my aunt, and the whole family still considers her a relative. My sister divorced her 1st husband. None of us wanted to keep contact with him, so there was no problem there. The only times we contacted him was so we could contact their dd while she was living with him. My parents got divorced when I was 17. My dad got married again. Then, shortly after my ds was born, they got divorced. We still see my ex-step-mom, her parents & siblings, her boyfriend & his kids whenever we can. I've even met her boyfriend's mom. We spend holidays with them, they take dd for weekends, they even took dd on a trip through a good portion of the western U.S. last summer (I thing it was last summer). My dad is married again. He & his wife know that we still see my ex-step-mom & her family. He's fine with it. He understands that she's a part of our lives & our family & we shouldn't have to give that up. My mom also got married again & is now getting divorced. She has made it almost impossible for us to have anything to do with my step-dad. I think she has friends following him & reporting back to her. She even found out when we ran into him at the library. She is very much against us keeping in contact with him. She says she doesn't understand why I would want to. Well, he never did anything to me, my dh, or my kids, so why wouldn't I? She never understood my keeping contact with my ex-step-mom, either. The only way I can keep in contact with my step-dad is through email. If we run into each other, even accidentally, my mom finds out & throws a fit. So, sometimes it works & sometimes it doesn't. The best thing is to be honest. Tell them both that you don't want to take sides. You care for both of them, and they are both family to you. Tell them you won't be an informant, telling each what the other is doing (and make sure you stick to that), but that you have the right to be in contact with whoever you want. Also, it sounds like he's leaving her with the kids. If that's the case, he can't expect you to cut the kids out of your life. So, you'd have to have contact with her to have contact with the kids.
Personally I would keep your mouth shut and talk about neutral issues. That's just me.... but some divorces can become very messy.... my SIL's was a HUGE mess and she got NOTHING out of it but 2 wonderful kids but her ex became really "off"... I don't know the whole story and really don't want to know it all. I'm with siding with the kids on this one. You will NEVER hear everything that is going on - even if you talked with both of them for hours. Personally I am sick of people making facebook their "relationship sound-off".... my friend's daughter just had her boyfriend breakup with her by posting he was "single" on facebook BEFORE he told her it was over!! This is a 19 year old!!!
Not even discussing the other issues you brought up. It won't help to analize what is the root when they are not giving that information. The only thing I will address is that you want to remain in contact. If he questions you about it, just tell him that you will stay in contact with her because of your concern for the children. Far too many times they get left out of the equation. If you are in contact you can keep posted on their welfare. It sounds like the mom is open to that. It also sounds like she isn't trying to pull you in. Just maintain to both of them that you are going to remain neutral, you just want to be there to help support in matters concerning the children. They can't fault you for that!
