Wow! is all I can say right now. For two reason, (1) no young lady would ever call me a name and get away with it. I would of went right to her parents and took control of that one. (2) I would of never left two children that age along for any time. Not even 5 minutes. That's like giving them a blank book of matches and telling them to watch these for you and don't light them. Yea right. WOW!.. Like the saying goes have matches will play. I agree with Monkeymama, that girl would never I mean never be back in my house again or around my child.... I think right now what I would do is never let this happen again with any girl. I would have a nice long talk with him. I am so glad my dh told my girls they can't date till they are 82...
I really can't add anything else said...but I agree with Monkey Mama, Jackie, Lucy and all of them..LOL. I would not allow the girl around due to her mouth. I also would not allow a 14 year old to date. Now, if you do allow this...that's fine...I'm not saying you are wrong...but keep in mind the younger you allow this behavior the sooner you and your child is faced with these issues and sex. I cannot control every move my children make but I need to and they need to see that I and my dh stand firm on our beliefs and teachings. Others have different ideas...and again that's fine.
I first want to say that by posting on here you are bound to get a wide arc in the responses. Each person shapes their family on how they grew up and the opinions they formed as a result of this. You will have the same outlook. What works for them may not work for you, but tid bits from each may turn into something that you can use. My beliefs are: 1. Children need exposure to the oposite sex in a social setting. If they aren't around them outside of school to learn how to behave socially they will seek advice on how to handle it. They won't come to you, they will ask their peers. Peers who are questioning things themselves, yet will respond as if they know it all. This advice more than likely will be very wrong. I would much rather have them gather at my house supervised, or for small outings supervised. As a group. Not actual dates. 2. You have a tool in the internet, use it. Talk about sex. Research facts on here first by yourself. Set up a folder in "Favorites" of the sites that say what you need. Get statitics on kids having kids and the problems they face. What are the social problems of dating young. How to handle the pressure of peers. Etc..... Whatever you feel is a question you have or you child has can be researched. You can let them view it here, or at least have the answers yourself to answer their questions. YouTube is great by the way. 3. No matter what, stay in communication. Don't let them close that door. We all need our privacy for time to think, but there should be limits. Inform them you WILL talk at least once a day. It may be kept simple, or it might be harsh, just do it. Tell them you are always there. They may think it's silly, but even so, they need to be reminded. They don't know the way themselves. Life is a learning experience that doesn't end until your death. I for one still seek help when something new comes into my life, and I'm 52. If left to find the answers by themselves it will be like they are thrown into deep water to sink or swim. If I were drowning I would grab the first hand that reaches out to save me and hang on tight. One last thing. When the girl called you that name she was assuming she was only saying it to your son. Not to your face. This doesn't excuse it, but still shows immaturity. She is only 14. She is acting out as her 2 older sisters do, one major flaw of older having siblings. If you forbid your son to see her, he will find another way. "Keep your enemies close" is good advice. I go along with the advice to talk to her. Let her know you are aware of the name calling. You are shocked and hurt. You reacted out of anger when you caught them, yet you are protecting her as well as your son with your views. You will let her visit, but under new rules - supervised. And that you expect a heartfelt appology and future respect. Good luck! Hope some of what I said can help.
This is my wife’s account. I asked my wife if I could reply to this. She said go ahead. Please don't blast her. Blast me all you want. Ma’am, I read this post and my heart sank. I was this young man many many years ago and I would give anything to be able to do an about face and do the right thing. I don't know if faith background, but I am going to assume you are Christian. If you are, read through 1 John and think about your son's actions. How does he stack up against 1 John. You say your son is a "good kid". The bible says there is no one good, no not one. Bare with me here. God's standard of good is the 10 commandments. So let's look at how any one of us stacks up... including your son. Ever told a lie? If I told you a lie, what would you call me? (Liar) Ever stolen anything? What does that make you? (Thief) But I only told a few lies and only stole little things. In God's eyes, how many lies does it take? Always honored your parent? (Defending the C word used against you) Ever committed adultery? Jesus said if you have ever looked at someone with lust, you have committed adultery already in your heart. Murder? Jesus said if you have hated anyone (flipped someone off in traffic) you have committed murder in your heart. Have you ever worshipped an idol (worshipped a God other than the God of the bible)? If you're thinking I'm way off base with God's standards, you have probably made up a God that you can live with... an idol. Man's biggest problem is sin. And the cure is God's forgiveness. John 3:16-18 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. All of the pop psychology in the world is not going to fix this. Satan's biggest tool to destroy young men is lust. If he is not already at least experimenting with sex, it’s not far down the road. But that is NOT your son’s biggest problem. His biggest problem is that the Wrath of God abides on every sinner apart from repentance and faith. In this day and age, repentance and faith need very clear definition. What repentance is not: Confessing to a person or priest to receive absolution. What repentance is: Agree with God that you are a sinner with no hope of saving yourself. It’s taking side with God against yourself that what God says about you in Romans 3:9-19 is true. It’s apologizing earnestly to God for your sins and turning away from them. What is faith: Placing your faith in Jesus that the work He did on the cross was full payment for your sins; past, present and future. It’s believing that you can do nothing to add to that work, but out of gratefulness do good work for they unmerited favor (grace) He has bestowed. With repentance and faith, God puts in us a new heart. The indwelling of the Spirit gives us the ability to stand against temptation. Apart from that, we can stand for a time, but ultimately we’re doomed to failure. And the good we do apart from that is as filthy rags in God’s eyes. I’ll be praying. Feel free to get in touch with me through my wife, anyone. I'm on facebook.
Just marking to finish reading later. Mine are only 3 and 6 LOL I have a long way to go before hickeys (I hope!) But look forward to reading what all you ladies think of this situation....
What a difficult situation for a parent to be in. Just the other day I was thinking of my son who is 14 years old. What if.....he wanted to spend time with a girl, wanted to date in the near future, wanted to.......... How will we deal with these situations. This thread sure has gotten me to thinking. Think I should get some sort of game plan, fast. This (what happened to the boy and girl) is why I believe sex ed being taught in the public arena as in schools or churches is so wrong. I know many people disagree with me on this and I will probably be bashed for it. Bash all you want. I will not respond even if you are not bashing . I do not like to argue/debate my point of view. Some of the reasons why I do not think sex ed is a good thing--I believe that those people who teach our children sex ed will not share all of our values even if they are good friends or are from the church. Also, and more importantly, I believe that it is not a good idea to talk about sex to a child before the child has those feelings (lack of better words). It will stir something in the child before the child is ready. Teaching a child about the details of sex at a young age of 5th or 6th grade is too young IMHO. Yes, it is important to let the child know that they are growing and this and that will be happening to their body soon, but the sex should be left out. I know many people disagree with what I wrote but there are many people that agree. I like what ForTheSon wrote that we all have different point of views, what works for one family may not work for another, but we can take tidbits from others to form what works for us. (paraphrasing)
I disagree. I learned about sex at around 3 by reading my older sister's biology books. I thought the whole idea was gross until I was 18 or so. I think you have to tell the kid about it before the child has those feelings, so that when they do, they will know how to deal with them, that they are normal, etc. Well, some kids start puberty at 8 nowadays. Sex education also includes education about puberty. Well, parents use to educate their children. Most don't anymore.
I don't think we can look to the past for the right way to handle the "sex talk" with our children. Children used to grow up around animals - coming face-to-face with the sex act in a way most of us have never seen. (Let's just say that bulls aren't discreet!) Children were not sheltered from sex the way they are now. When we toured Old Fort Henry, we learned that the offspring of married (or cohabiting) military men had to sleep under their parents' bed. Just imagine lying there trying to sleep while your parents are going at it three inches above your head! Girls in New France were commonly married off at the age of 12. Some were married even younger, at 9 or 10. They certainly knew about sex! As for what a five year old needs to know about sex... Let's see, there's "good touch" and "bad touch". What to do if someone's making you uncomfortable. Secrets that shouldn't be kept. Your body belongs to you. Respecting other people (ie, no chasing boys and kissing them in order to make them scream). Basic hygiene ("Wipe from front to back, sweetie!"). Where do babies come from (feel free to use words like "mommy's egg" and "daddy's seed", and let your 5yo think it all happens by osmosis, if you want). Differences you can see (like dark hair or light skin) and differences you can't see (like religion or language). I'm sure there's more that I've forgotten, but my point is that it's definitely useful to discuss these things when kids are young and it's all theoretical, rather than later when it's too late and they'd rather die than talk to you about sex.
And if that is what they were teaching that would be fine. However, the information we recieved was much more in depth. Let's just say that I don't personally feel that a five year old needs to know the mechanics of sex nor do they need to know about oral sex or masturbation yet. These topics were going to be discussed.
I don't disagree! Regrettably, however, my son's kindergarten teacher did have to discuss oral sex with her class. And not because it was on the curriculum, either. Evidently what happened was a four-year-old boy's older brother had a sexual experience with a girl and then came home and bragged to another sibling about it, in detail. His little brother was listening and decided to share all the graphic details with the other children on his bus. And so my own 4yo comes home asking, "Why would anyone put THAT in their mouth?" So I talked to my son first, and then I talked to his teacher. Her reaction was, "Oh no, not again! Great. Now I'm going to have to talk to the class." So clearly this wasn't the first time she'd faced this issue. There was no letter home about the incident either, so I assume most parents never knew that oral sex was the topic of the day in kindergarten. I have no idea how often this goes on in kindergartens and elementary schools. Personally, I'm very glad we had the option to home school for the early years, but I know that's not available to all parents. I have a lot of sympathy for teachers, in these circumstances!
If we couldn't homeschool, I am sure my kids teachers would be sick of me asking what was taught each day in detail or having me sit in the classroom with my child every day. I want to be involved and I want to know what my child is learning. I have two aunts who are teachers and I can say that I would not want to be a teacher and deal with the stuff they have to deal with.
I am a licenses substitute teacher in our state, I work at the local school. We have some pretty good teachers. There is one teacher in particular that I work for in the am as a teacher's aide teaching reading comp and fluency. Anyway, she is the kind of teacher that sends out a monthly newletter detailing the students progress. She also has a "homework" folder that she sends home daily with their homework progress notes.
We get the same with the two of our children in PS. We're always aware of what's being taught, and my wife, in particular, knows their teachers well. Through the years, the only issues we've had have been at the elementary level - e.g., showing scary movies at Hallowe'en and the like, and the teachers allowed our children to do other activities in a way that didn't make them seem odd to their classmates. While I have my issues with the PS, I'm not one to demonize them. We've homeschooled and we've sent children to public and private schools - depending on what was right for them. No matter which form of education we use, we retain responsibility for their education - and we work with teachers as needed.
Those things happen, and NOTHING can be done to prevent it. However, I feel the teacher handled it wrong. I feel that, when it was brought to her attention, she should have 1) contacted the parent of the child who was "sharing", NOT to get that little boy in trouble, but to let her know what her older child is doing/saying. 2) Then I feel a letter should have been written to the PARENTS of the other students, letting them know the context of what was being said, so they could deal with it at home as they deemed proper. I do not believe school is the place to discuss such behavior, ESPECIALLY at that age, regardless of what's being said "on the playground". It's THE PARENTS' job to correct any misconceptions, and they can't if the teacher isn't honest about what has happened.
From my experience with the system, I believe the parents of the boy were contacted. That's a clear requirement, and teachers do follow through. Unfortunately, part of that same rule also stipulates that teachers cannot discuss any child other than a parent's own child, with the parent. This limits communication to a significant extent. It makes it particularly tricky when dealing with issues like bullying. I wish a letter HAD been written, but given the above policy, that may not have been an option for the teacher. As well, the principal may have wanted to avoid starting a controversy, exposing the boy or his parents to social stigma (because even if he wasn't identified in the letter, everyone would know still who he was), or aggravating the situation. I think the teacher's intent was to deal with the issue once and stop any further discussion among the class. The best way for parents to know what's going on in class, is to be there as much as possible. When we had children in kindergarten, I was there volunteering in the classroom several times every month. I painted a mural for the kindergartners! I also hung out on the playground, watched the kids and talked to the other parents. Teaching is a rough job, and there was a lot I didn't agree with. But I also think they're doing the best they can. I was once handed a seven year old girl who had diarrhea. I don't think, as a parent volunteer, that I should have been cleaning up someone else's child. But the office staff didn't want to do it, and her parents weren't answering their phones. So I did what I could for her. Apparently this wasn't the first time this had happened to her at school, either, and everyone was very frustrated with her. (Which really wasn't fair!) There was a little kindergarten girl whose teeth had rotted so bad they were little black pegs in her mouth. Her parents let her take baby bottles of sweetened condensed milk to school. There were other signs of neglect, too. So I seriously doubt her parents would have bothered correcting any misconceptions, even if there had been a letter home. It's really disheartening to see how uninvolved some parents are. So I think when schools overstep their bounds in what they want to teach our children, it's because they're reacting to parents who refuse to teach their children anything at all. Even when it's as basic as brushing their teeth.
I agree with that. While I do NOT want a teacher to overstep his or her bounds...and I want to discuss these matters with my own kids....I see how this happens. Teachers are faced daily, scratching their heads thinking, "does this child have a parent?" lol. So, out of the best of intentions, they try to intercede. Do I agree? No. Why? Because I have the right to teach my kids about those issues as I see fit and when I see fit. However, I can totally see how this happens and why they feel they are doing the right thing. But then again, I am an involved parent. I do feel sorry for the kids of uninvolved parents. I think it's sad that parents offer up their role to teachers. It's not always some evil teacher trying to steer a kid in some sort of weird agenda. Sometimes, it's a loving teacher that truly believes she is benefiting her student. If more parents would be parents and hold their ground then less teachers would feel the need to fill in the gap. Again, I DO NOT agree with a teacher filling in the gap...but I can understand how it all happens. Now, I agree with Jackie on how the teacher should have handled it. However, I am guessing the teacher had the best of intentions.
I understand what you're saying. What I would want (and again it might not have been possible) would be for the letter to be written without names. I get SO FRUSTRATED when the "rights" of one supercede the safety of many! I'm thinking something like, "We had an incident where one child was passing on graphic information concerning oral sex on the bus. We are dealing with this issue with the student/parents involved. While we don't feel it is our place to have a discussion with the entire class over what may have been heard, we want you as parents to be aware so you can deal with any questions your child brings up." No names, no condemnation, or anything. I would much rather have that than have a teacher lead a class discussion and bring the entire class into it. I was a classroom teacher for over then years; my husband still is. So yes, I DO understand what you're saying. It's SO frustrating to have parents really not care! As far as the diahrea goes, that is simply setting an individual up for sexual abuse charges. If a young child goes home with tales of how you were wiping her bottom (and front side!), etc., I could easily see a parent decide you were some pervert or somethng, no matter HOW innocent it was. And to let a volunteer do it is simply WRONG. It should have been done by a school nurse (yeah, as if such a thing exists now-a-days!) with the assistance of the teacher/principal/secretary. That wiay, if there are any accusations, you have another adult as a witness that nothing improper happened.
