Ok, so I posted this on another forum also, sorry to the few that are there that are also here for throwing it in your face twice. I wanted to post it here as well since soo many of you went through this with me to begin with. I guess I need to start this with some background info. My oldest son went to PS for K and 1st grades. We brought him home for 2nd and he was home until Feb of this year (his 5th grade year). I sent him back, simply because he and I do not get along. Our personalities clash quite frequently. Sending him back was a hard decision, one I cried over quite a few times before I did it, and one I cried very hard over after it was done. Well, the public school year is coming to a close. Next Friday is his last. I really would love to bring him back home, there are soooo many things I hate about public school.. including the new attitude he has picked up along with the cursing that now frequently flies out of his mouth. I hate having to follow their schedule, I miss the days of being able to take vacation in April and counting it as school.. and he's only been there a few months..lol. In the time he has been back in PS, things seem to have calmed down between us some. I'm trying to work on learning how to communicate with him, and trying to control my own temper (which is short most of the time, esp with him). We had a discussion the other night about him coming back home. He sounds like he wants to, my husband doesn't think it's a good idea because he said he hated coming home before because Garrett and I would have spent the day at each other's throats and he came home to everyone in a miserable mood. He won't outright tell me not to do it, and he is a strong supporter of homeschooling, but I can see his points in it all. He was trying to talk up public school to Garrett, but really there wasn't much talking up that he could do.. well because our school district sucks..lol. He did try to talk up the fact that he wouldn't be so lost when at scouts the kids were talking about what happened at school, but then there is one other boy in his scouts troop that goes to a different school, and usually the things they discuss are things that they didn't do in school (more like shows they watch like Family Guy and South Park, which we prefer he doesn't watch anyway). One of Garrett's Reason's for wanting to go to public school next year is friends, he has only made 2, most kids are quite mean to him actually, and I fear what that may bring on in his future. The second reason is that they have computer programming in the middle school where he will go next year.. no big deal, he can learn that here too. The last reason he wants to stay in PS is that I guess they have awards for not getting in trouble?? He is claiming some big things.. like getting a laptop if you go all year without getting in trouble, I said maybe it was more of a perfect attendance thing, but he insists he is right. I have thought that we could offer a big prize if he truely works hard next year if he stays home.. and he would have to put effort into getting along with me as well.. but I'm sure we could squeeze a laptop for him.. even if it's just a netbook type thing. I'm thinking of a trial run starting in July and going till mid Aug before I decide. I would have to file our affidavit before the 1st day of public school if we were to keep him home next year. What would you do?
The thing that occurs to me is that he has now seen how others are often mean to him, so now it's not "just mom" so maybe that has helped him tone down the conflict meter. He made two friends - I would say let him attempt to keep up those two friendships, if that works out, in addition to his scouting. Provide him the computer programming at home. And have another big but comfy talk with him about how you are trying extra hard to keep your temper and if he'll do the same, maybe he can get some kind of "big reward" at the end if he can not get in trouble all year, just like at ps. That way he gets to keep the things he liked about ps, but get the benefit (like April vacations) of being at home too. Maybe both of you can get what you want. I'd keep a "cuss box" where he has to put money or tokens any time he lets something slip that shouldn't. Maybe make it a "behavior box"? I'd also keep it such that one "big bad day" can be redeemed by something that's under his control - like x-number of "good days" after it, or knocking down the "one big reward" to a reward one level down from that if there are no more similar episodes (prearranged and written down well beforehand), two levels down if there's another, and no special reward at all if there's a third, other than some standard rewarding thing that the others get anyhow. I don't know - I don't know your family IRL at all!
I have no great words of advice. Looking in from the outside is much different from being in the middle. It is always much different being the mom. With that said and since you did ask advice......A trial run for part of summer sounds like a good idea. If you can clearly outline what you expect of your son and if he can meet those expectations (the first week or two he may fall short but as long as he can reach those expectations quickly), then homeschool him next year with the understanding that if he can not continue to meet your expectations he will go back to school for the entire year. From what you have written in the past, I have my doubts of your son changing his behaviour. Bad behaviour is like a bad habit that can be broken if your son really wants to. Unfortunately this is not always true. Sometimes a bad behaviour is not always a bad habit. We humans are complicated creatures. There is not always an easy fix. My heart goes out to you. I know you love your son and all of your children. You want to do what is best for everyone in your family.
Lindina's suggestion of a "behaviour box" sounds really good. Also the suggestion of your son being able to redeem himself by being good for x many days or doing something else sounds good. The goal is for your son to continue to strive for appropriate behaviour, not feel discouraged and hopeless.
I have four boys from 2-18! I really struggle with one and feel for you. I often want to put that one in PS, but that is not an option here. What I would do is, give him the summer off and work on the realtionship just having a good fun summer together. During that time I would decide if you are going to homeschool or not. If you decide to homeschool, then hs and give it all you got! Don't tell him if things don't work out then you will send him to PS, because if he is wanting to go to PS, then things won't work out. IF you do HS, then like others said, try to give him the things he likes about PS, with in reason, at home. Set down some very firm ground rules and let him have input, be sure you have them in writing. Well, maybe if I tried my own advice, my 2nd and 3rd sentence wouldn't be there, so I will stop! Good luck and if you have any great tips, PLEASE let me know!!
He would definately remain in contact with the two boys he has made friends with. The one's family and ours get along pretty well, and we will most likely spend more time with them as a family in the future. The other one lives right near our old house.. which is just a mile down our road... and the boys walk back and forth a few times a week to play, and that is able to continue as long as the other boy doesn't move (seems people don't rent that place out long at a time... hubby's cousin owns it and I think the rent is high). Uggg.. why do these decision have to be so hard? I know hubby told Garrett that if he does come home, that will be it, he will be home through highschool (mostly because I wouldn't be able to put my foot down again and put him back in PS). I had a horrible time putting him back in school, I hate the fact that I did it instead of working on things back then.
Just some thoughts as I have not been in this exact situation... - have you looked into online academies/schools that would make you as a helper and not a teacher? - have you considered a tutor to do most of his instruction? - Maybe having a lot of community classes in his interest areas would help - If rewards work well with him I would go with that...have him help set up a system of behavior and rewards - stop and consider why you guys clash and what you can do to improve things. I have one son that I clash with more than the other. I find that it helps if I stop and focus on the wonderful attributes that he has that makes him special. It is difficult to do that in the middle of frustration though, but the more I focus on the wonderful attributes he has the less I am frustrated. I do still get frustrated and I expect I always will, but I need to change how I respond to him. Would sending daily messages or notes to your son praising him for something he does or for who he is help? I am thinking of starting that with my boys.
Okay, I don't want to disappoint you, but I really think you should keep him in school. I have a similar situation with my 12 y/o. He was hsed then went to school for a couple years, then we took him out because he needed extra help and we hated the teacher, then we fought ALL the time and we put him back in school, then he wanted to hs again and we pulled him out. Now he is home and all we do is argue. Dh comes home to a mess every night and I feel like a failure. Your son wants to stay in school. I strongly suggest that you keep him there, with the understanding that he keeps his grades up, his language is clean and he understands that in your house your family follows your rules. I hate school, but I believe that YOU can for the most part control how he behaves. I went to a terrible school when i grew up, but I was a goody two shoes. I thank my parents for setting the right example for me. :wink: It is far worse for your family to have to experience turmoil every day, then for your son to go to ps. Don't feel like a failure, just chalk it up to "hsing is not for every kid". Good luck!
She said it sounds like Garrett wants to come back home. "We had a discussion the other night about him coming back home. He sounds like he wants to, my husband doesn't think it's a good idea because he said he hated coming home before because Garrett and I would have spent the day at each other's throats and he came home to everyone in a miserable mood. He won't outright tell me not to do it, and he is a strong supporter of homeschooling, but I can see his points in it all. He was trying to talk up public school to Garrett, but really there wasn't much talking up that he could do.. well because our school district sucks..lol. He did try to talk up the fact that he wouldn't be so lost when at scouts the kids were talking about what happened at school, ...." And the only reasons of his she cited for wanting to go back were friends, computer programming, and awards. From that I took that if those things were provided, he'd be content to homeschool. I could be wrong about that.
He definately wants to homeschool again, and once I told him we could find him a program for computer programing he got even more excited about it.
I know you had a really tough time deciding what to do when you put him in the school. I felt your pain and I still do! Here are some thoughts - #1 - have him EARN money which goes towards that big prize (netbook etc) at the end of the year.... I have found that my kids will respect something a lot more and appreciate it more if they earn the money and pay for it. #2 - look into something where paperwork has to be turned into someone else - not PS at home - but like we are using Kolbe next year and Seton last year - well I wasn't the one grading the papers this past year - THEY were... so I stepped aside from being "teacher" all the time and could comment outside of it as "mom" when things went well and when they didn't. #3 - this might be an off thing - but look into a "military" club. Jake has found a friend who goes to an Air Force Cadet thing - think Boy Scouts - but military. They have a "code" and such and honestly his friend said it was "way cooler than scouts" because of the uniforms and it's pretty darn official (they get dress blues and everything)... the mom says it's been great for his attitude!
I would second the idea of a summer trial. Now, my boys would have responded that summer is meant to be a break from school. If he's eager to restart homeschooling, though, this could be a bit of a test of his commitment. Also, think of some subjects he might really enjoy and that they don't do in school. Computer skills might be one. Art lessons might be another. Playing on a homeschool baseball team might be an option. Going to the movies with a friend each week and then writing a page about the movie might be another. If he understands that he can influence what he learns, that might be an incentive. And to those who recommend a "cuss box", here's a nice little video clip.
This is what came to my mind If I were in your shoes, I would bring him home, set up the rule of respectful language (I would absolutely ban family guy and south park; I hate those shows with a vengeance), get him going with structured extramural activities, and put computer programming number one on his class list I also like the idea of curriculum that isn't completely directed by you. Put yourself less in the position of direct teacher, and more in the position of cheerleader.
well Sommer, I don't know what really to say, I just know you had alot of tears and heart aches when he was home. I can understand wanting him back, but you have to ask yourself do you want to go through that again. Do you feel in your mind he will change or he just saying that now just to come home? Yes, I would do something over the summer if it don't work its not worth it. I would think twice about it. I really don't think he will change. Remember the teen years are coming the hormones are changing thats not going to help either. So, really think about it talk to dh, make a list of the pros and cons and see what is better. Just remember what ever you decide we are here for you.
FYI - I saw that Homeschool Buyers Co-Op has a group buy for "computer programming for kids and teens"
my heart breaks for you as a mother because I know the guilt that comes with having a child you just don't get along with! I would say bring him home and just work on the relationship. I have hindsight now(my oldest is nearly 21) and I would give anything to have those days back to try harder! The relationship will always be strained because I felt I "gave up" on him. As a mother who has been there,my advise would be to try again. You only get one shot at this and I wish I had made more of an effort.
I know you said your husband isn't up for more drama every night and he also said that once he is home that it won't be the flip-flop game (hs,ps,hs,ps...). I would really, really have a long talk with dh. That would be my deciding factor. You can't predict whether the behavior will return at homeschool or whether public school will be better. How is your relationship with dh now that your child is in ps? Is it better than before? How do you feel now? Are you prepared for the worst? Are you prepared for it to go back to as bad or worse than before when he was home?
But you did work on it, Sommer. How much are you supposed to put up with, kwim? If it were me, I'd let him in school. It's only been a short time that he's been there. Let him take advantage of all the things he'd have access to there, like the computer stuff. Who knows- he might even find extra-curriculars he likes. I wish you the best as you decide.:love:
