My boys are 3 & 5. Once they got out of the crib they were required to play quietly upstairs until 7:00. This enabled DH and I to get ready for the day before they came down. DH is a morning person, I am not. DH has always asked me to be up, showered, dressed and ready before the kids come down. Sometimes I am capable of this, sometimes I am not. Its an area that is very very hard for me. I do not wake well to an alarm. I know it sounds like a cop out but its been 10 years now and I still cant seem to make a lasting habit of getting up earlier than 7. I can get up at say 6:30 and be ready by 7:15-7:30, even 7 some days. Even when I get up at 5:30 I still feel like I'm rushing at 6:55 to finish getting ready. Now the reality is that it really makes no difference if I'm dressed by 7 because the kids are generally up somewhere in the 6 o'clock hour and are up and downstairs but generally entertaining themselves. I dont think its necessary to be "up and ready" by 7 but DH is still pretty adamant about it. Its driving a wedge between us at this point. Its not that I stay up super late (usually). But I really do like some down time before bed. Whether its watching a movie or reading or talking with him. I just cant go to bed at 9:00 usually. He gets frustrated because often his breakfast is interrupted by the children. I explain that EVERYTHING I do is interrupted by the children. I almost always eat cold eggs, always stop what I'm doing to help them from when I wake to when they go to bed. That is why I really need that time at night to unwind. Now he would say just have that time in the morning but one, I'm not a morning person and two, they are up anyway. Sorry for the rant, I just really don't know what to do. I asked him if we could just try me waking up naturally for a week, no alarm. I figured that between him showering and getting dressed and the kids coming in to show me their lego ship or give me a picture they drew, I would be up and ready by 7, 7:30 at the latest. And we could all be happier about it. This morning (after we stayed up til 11 talking about this) I had my alarm set for 5:45. I woke up at 5:30, looked at the clock and grabbed my phone to shut off my alarm. Then I remembered how disappointed he would be. So I did shut it off but I started checking my email etc to wake me up. I was dressed and ready by 7. He was upstairs coloring with the kids but somewhat grumpy. So I feel like even if I'm "dressed and ready" by 7, if the kids require anything, he's not going to be happy. Its so frustrating. When he is not there (during winter he plows snow and leaves at 4 in the morning) we get along just fine. Chores get done, school gets done, I get dressed, they aren't dead. So what is the big deal? OK so still rambling. Please HELP! (BTW he asked me to post this and get feedback). TIA!
Is he rushed for time in the morning so he can't spend time with the kids? You explained that he wasn't happy about the interruptions, but I'm not sure I understand why they make him unhappy. For me it would mean something very different if dh was upset because it made him rushed and late for work vs. wanting a kid-free time. I'm also not a morning person and very rarely get up as early as 7. Dh works late and I work at night too and we spend some time together. I normally don't go to bed until 1 or 2. My kids all get up earlier than I do. My older ones roam the house on their own, but I keep my younger one in my room. I have a TV in there as well as toys. I lock one door and put a baby gate up at the other one so she will stay put. She plays and watches a show or two before I get up. I shower at night. Someone needs to be up with the kids or you need the kids in the same room where you are resting. If the kids being up doesn't mess with dh's schedule I might try alternating days with him. Dh and I used to do that on weekends. If it does mess with his schedule or if for some other reason he needs that to be kid-free time, I would set things up so the boys play in your room while you rest a little longer. Maybe you can reach some kind of compromise that will work for both of you.
On the note of not being able to wake early, if you had a job outside the home that started at 6:00 am, you would HAVE to be up and ready to leave the house in a timely manner. Your boss wouldn't tolerate excuses. In the end it comes down to discipline. YES, self-discipline is a choice and it does take time to form a habit, but habits are formed with consistancy and choice. This applies to any area in your life where you want habits to form. Now ... On to your husband! :| Why does your husband want you up at a certain time? Is he being controlling or does he want to spend time with you alone? Is he this way in other areas of your marriage? The part that gets me is that he is annoyed that the children are interrupting HIS breakfast! Um...what did he think would happen when children came into the home. They are children! Why can't you all sit and have a family breakfast in your pjs if you wanted? This is what bothers me and makes me think it is more selfishness on his part. BUT, I could be wrong. This is why I asked his reasoning behind wanting you to be up at a certain time. I don't want to jump the gun.
I forgot to answer your question. lol I wake up at 3:00 am with my husband. He works two hours away and I want to help him start his day. He has a long day and it is my pleasure, although, sometimes I would rather NOT get up with him. On occasion, he tells me to stay in bed. He never "requires" me to wake with him and wouldn't dare allow something like this to put a wedge between us. I know he appreciates it, so I do it. PLUS, it really helps me get my day started early.
Thanks for the responses. I am a little confused too...we both are really. I mean last night we went back and forth, "well maybe its my fault", "well maybe its MY fault". He also is not sure what his responsibility is. He doesn't HAVE to be anywhere. We own our own business. He likes to be out the door by 8 though to get a good start on the day. For him its a matter of discipline. I do sometimes feel its a bit controlling. I worked outside the home when we first married. I had to be at work at 8 or something I cant remember. Anyway, I got up, I went to work, I didnt get fired. But goodness sakes, if you make your own schedule why not take advantage of that. Now we have just gone through the ringer on financial discussions as well, so I mentioned if he wants discipline, look how disciplined I was with finances this pay period. I have more than half the cash allotted to me left. To me that is a huge success. Its not that I CANT be disciplined but if I'm gonna be dressed and ready by 7 and he's still going to be grumpy about the kids how is that my fault? I actually really like the idea of the kids coming into my room and then he can eat his breakfast alone if thats what he really wants. I Can tell you that its likely that will last about a day and then he'll be in there with us feeling guilty or telling me he doesn't want the boys to see me naked or something. Anyway, they can easily bring a coloring book in my room and color on the floor while I get dressed (in the closet with the door closed if need be). I will talk to him about this and we'll see. I really hope he's taking some time to think about what he really wants. Cuz I still dont even know.
Hmm...has he had days where he is responsible for the kids the entire day? Most moms have plenty of discipline to be able to get everything done, but sometimes not a lot of energy. My dh said some things when he was a young dad that went along similar lines. He thought I should be more disciplined about some issues related to the house. He became the primary caregiver for the kids for a couple years about a year after that and he understood how difficult it really was. He couldn't live up to his standards He would never say such things now.
Why can't he have HIS self-discipline and allow you to be a pj girl? Is having his way really that important that it is worth placing stress on the marriage? I agree 100% with you that if he is still going to be grumpy then it isn't your fault (not that it was before). Why try if he isn't going to acknowledge it. What is the purpose? :?
He actually suggested that I go to the office for a week (I usually work out of the home one day a week and we have a nanny come in that day) and that he would stay home. I laughed. 1. I really don't think its affordable for our business to do that right now, and 2. he would die LOL. He pressed it and said we just booked a two week vacation next summer whats the big deal if he takes a few days off now. I am so close to taking him up on that. I cannot even imagine.
YES! Take him up on it! While I believe dads can do it, I think they take for granted what goes into caring for a child. In your case, children. ...and if he manages to be dressed and groomed before the kids are awake, good for him. It doesn't mean he does a better job, it just means he is a different person. Besides, two weeks is nothing compared to 18 years. :lol:
I find it interesting that he actually wanted you to ask here. He really must not see wrong in what he is asking of you. Otherwise, why would he want you to share it with us? I don't really have any advice. I suppose if he wants uninterupted breakfast, he needs to change his schedule to get up and eat before the kids normally wake up. Even if you are up and ready, that will not make the kids not want to see daddy. I understand you may be able to take them elsewhere in the house, but he will still have to hear them up and about. My thought would be to make sure to be up with the family in the morning, get dh out the door, then get showered and ready for the day once he is gone and the kids are engaged in something. Good luck finding a resolution that works for your family.
Yes I hate the fact that this is driving a wedge between us. Some days I'm to the point...maybe most days...where I just think would you just go to work, its so much easier when your not here. His expectations are too high. And I think he knows it. But then he says oh yeah I just need to lower my expectations and that makes me feel like crap. The last time we had a big blowout (and this wasnt one) I told him we should seek counsel from our pastor and his wife. I really think we need to do that. So much so that I'm ready to schedule an appt myself. Even if he doesnt want to go. I want to submit, I really do. I've tried to submit on this issue. But if I cant with a pure heart and the right motives, then maybe he's wrong. It does seem so entirely stupid really. Ugh, so frustrating. I mean we are in a different season of life. We moved into a gigantic house and just keeping the floor clean is a never ending job (not kidding). I'm schooling 2 now at least 2 days a week, plus working out of the home one day and then all the random work I do at home or on the go. I thrive when we are busy but to me its more important to take the kids to a fire safety field trip then to be at home mopping. Not to mention this timing sucks because my neck is out really bad and my allergies never quit. I NEVER EVER feel well and I very rarely complain about it. I consider it my thorn and am learning to depend on Jesus for the strength to do what I need to do everyday (with a good attitude). Anyone who lives in constant pain can understand that the attitude thing is the kicker. I hate cooking but I try. Did I mention my in laws are visiting (their house we are renting) for the week and got to come home to the million things that I put in the basement of theirs that I didnt want when we moved in. Its been a stressful time. Why do I have to deal with this now. OK I am really going on a rant now. I need to pray and just let it go. God is good. I know He has a plan. I just need to be still.
Thank you to everyone who responded. DH and I had a two hour lunch and hashed it out. It turns out there are a lot of other issues, the morning thing just being the most apparent and easiest to argue about. We have agreed to a morning routine (again) and I'm praying that we can stick with it. I need to discuss weekends but I'm happy with the outcome. Thank you all for your insight. It was helpful to us to reach a resolution.
How do we handle mornings...well hubby works nights so he doesn't even know what time I get up We eat 'lunch' together as a family before he goes to work. I try to have the majority of schoolwork done before time for hubby to wake up (this also keeps the kids quite so he can sleep) and then we do errands, fun stuff and chores in the evening (so he can come home to a clean house.....most days) When he worked days he got up early (4:30-5:00) and me and the kids got up around 7-9. He slept as late as he could rushed to get ready and didn't have much (if any) free time in the mornings so neither of us saw a need for me to get up with him. I'd pack his lunch the night before and made him breakfast the night before or froze some breakfast burritos or casseroles so he could heat and eat before work... I believe the husband is the head of the household and try to be a submissive wife. For the most part I am. I'll buck him on small things on occasion, but it usually doesn't cause a big argument. I sometimes have a little guilt over it, even if I win, I was right and he ends up agreeing and not hold a grudge about it because I know it's just my strong personality not wanting to submit on trivial things. I have only bucked my husband on one large issue in our entire 10 years of marriage. We fought over the issue daily for MONTHS! And I do mean FOUGHT! Yelling and screaming, neither of us willing to give in. But, I did it (with a clear conscience) because the issue was VERY important to me because I felt it was an issue of protecting our son and it would have life long consequences if I were to submit to hubby on it. I did win that one in the end. Hubby never brings it up, and doesn't hold a grudge about it at all, because he knows he was wrong and his reasons for his views on the subject were 1-not a good reason to base a decision on in the first place and 2-not even true! So, my first thing I wanted to point out is 'blind submission' is not required of a wife. I pretty much submit, even if I know it's the wrong decision, on everything with 2 exceptions: 1. I will not go against God in order to submit to my husband 2. if I feel strongly it would have a bad, lasting consequence for our children The reason being, a small issue like what time to get up isn't going to end a marriage. But, if there are many small issues, they are going to add up to a huge strain on the marriage, each small one added will make each small problem seem bigger than it is and added together they can eventually break it. I believe many marriages that end in divorce do so because of the proverbial straw that broke the camels back; if you leave small issues to fester, the infection will spread and take over. So I guess my point is this-my advice would be to work hard to submit on the issue of getting up and ready by a certain time. It's not going against God and it's not going to harm your children-there is no reason not to other than you don't like to and you find it hard to do. Second point-What bothered me about this thread was your husband's attitude toward the children. And as a wife, I would consider this a point to buck up to him about because his attitude toward the children (esp with them being boys-I'm a firm believer that how a boy is treated by his father will shape who he is as a man the rest of his life) can have lasting effects on them well into adulthood. If they remember him being harsh or cold or treating them like an 'interruption' it will have bad, lasting effects on their mental and emotional health as adults, husbands and fathers. (How his father treated him as a child may be why he has the unrealistic expectations of his own children) I find men (my husband included) often have unrealistic expectations of what children are developmentally able to do, such as an uninterrupted breakfast in a house where 3 year old and 5 year old little boys live! LOL I find myself often reminding my husband that our children are in fact children and that some of their 'annoying' behaviors are normal behaviors for their age. They are young, full of life and laughter and boundless energy, easily excited over small things, impatient, etc! Your husband's expectation of an 'uninterrupted breakfast' or 'requiring anything' given your sons' ages...my first thought (honestly) was "what an unrealistic, immature, cold, control-freak" and my first thought to 'fix' that was "if they are all up, why don't they eat breakfast as a family so it's a win-win, everyone is up and ready by 7 and eating breakfast with the children is family time and they will be eating with him instead of interrupting him" My thought was-I'd be willing to give him being up and ready by 7 if he'd be willing to lower his expectations of the children re: interruptions as this is you giving a little, him giving a little and it protects the marriage and the well-being of the children. You all 4 win! These were the ideas that popped into my head to help you get up earlier: *Set a bedtime for yourself and be strict about it. It is much easier to leave this or that until in the morning and get a good nights sleep so you can face the day than to do it tonight and face an entire day with lack of sleep. (This is something I struggle with myself!) *Move the kids' bedtime later so they sleep later maybe if you think would help your situation. *Do everything you can to make getting ready in the morning quicker-Take your shower at night, lay out your clothes the night before, change to a quicker hairstyle, lower your standards/expectations (ex-instead of having to have a full face put on each day use only lipstick and mascara or only powder and blush-whatever works for you-unless it's a special occasion), etc *Set limits for your before bed wind down time-no movies through the week-only 1 hour or 30 minute tv shows and limit yourself to 1, limit yourself to only 1 or 2 or 3 chapters of a book if you are reading, limit yourself to only 1 hour if you wind down online, etc. (Take a bath at night and read while in soaking in the tub and kill 2 birds with one stone! LOL) *Use a timer (I have to do this with my kids and myself!) A timer might come in handy for your morning routine-you said no matter what time you get up you feel rushed to be ready by 7-give your self a time limit on each thing you need to do to 'be ready' 10 minutes for a shower and shaving your legs-5 minutes for a shower without shaving, 10 minutes to fix your hair, 5 minutes to fix your makeup, etc. My guess is, you're like me-if I know I have 30 minutes to get ready I can do it, but if I have 2 hours to get ready I think I can take my time, add in something extra, do a fancier hairstyle than normal, etc and end up loosing track of time then feel rushed at the end to be ready on time. I also suggest taking him up on his offer of taking care for the kids for a week! A few years ago I got very sick, I could do nothing, I was so weak just walking from my living room in the middle of my 2000 sq ft house to my bedroom at the end of my house wore me out and required I take a 30 minute nap to recover my strength to walk back to the living room. Hubby HAD to take care of the housework, cooking, shopping, laundry and kids all by himself because I couldn't. Let me tell you, once I got better, he didn't complain a bit about anything! LOL If dinner was running late, in stead of complaining that he was hungry he'd grab himself a snack, if the dishes were piled in the sink when he got home, instead of telling me I needed to wash them he over looked them and didn't say a word, if I didn't get the laundry done, he didn't gripe that his favorite shirt was dirty, he'd grab the basket and put the clothes in the washer!
I must be the world's most blessed woman! For going on 30 years now, my DH -- who finds it easier to get up in the morning but goes to bed earlier at night too -- has seen to it that I don't get awakened until the coffee is made and my cup is poured. Sometimes he prepares my breakfast, too. Even during the years when I was the breadwinner and he was the SAHD homeschooling DS. It changed during his recovery from his big car accident, but as soon as he was sufficiently recovered, he picked right back up with his routine. Even when he wasn't getting out of bed much yet, he made sure the alarm was set and he woke up and made sure I got up and moving so I wouldn't be late to work. I have never been a morning person, and my whole life I've had trouble getting to sleep at night. If I lie down with every intention of going to sleep, and it takes me more than fifteen or twenty minutes to fall asleep, I have to get up; if I stay in bed, I toss and turn and disturb both of us, and my body just gets sore and achy. I am SO blessed that God brought me the right husband for me!
I think what bothers me the most is God created you and in that creation he may not of made you a morning person. I know he didn't make me one! But I have to be at work at 6am. Now I am at the point that i am crashing by 9. It is almost painful to me and I count the days until the weekend when I can at least sleep later. I truly believe that in submission you can not loose sight on who God made you to be. When he finished creating you he thought it was good. Now that doesn't give us the right to be lazy but it does give us the right to be who God created us to be!
Im definately not a morning person either, but dh is! He is up by 4:30, but he doesn't even open the shop till 6:30. In the 13 yrs we've been married, he has never once expected me to get up with him. It's just never gonna happen. I'm up by nine, in my pjs till 10. If ds happens to be up too, my guys will cook breakfast together for themselves. (I hate breakfast and never eat it.) I may be misinterpreting, but it sounds a little controlling to me. I'm not sure I understand why he needs you to be up and ready by 7. I agree about seeing your pastor about this. Maybe he can give you some ideas on how to adjust yours and his expectations. Dh and I had to do this early on in our marriage on nearly every area of marriage, from housekeeping to intimacy. We both had completely different ideas on what a perfect marriage meant and it took us some time to compromise.
Totally agree! I'm glad you were able to work something out. However, I'm still confused as to why you have to have such a strict schedule. Forgive me for being blunt, but does he think you have to have one of those TV perfect households? In our household we can't have a "normal" routine. My husband works both days and nights in random order. He might be to work at 8 am today and 7 pm tomorrow. Usually he's sleeping during the day, but he might wake up at any time, and wants to eat right away. So this means, I have to drop what I'm doing and cook or do some fast laundry. Flexibility has been my needed attribute. This certainly isn't the most ideal situation for homeschooling, but we make it work. Most days I'm up around 8-8:30, sometimes earlier. We start school sometime between 9-10 am. I am a morning person, but have had to adjust to staying up late to spend quality time with my husband.
I think I'm pretty blessed, too.....my husband is very understanding. I have some health issues that make getting up early difficult. He usually gets up and gets ready for work. Most days I'm out of bed before he's done, but not every morning. My kids are old enough that they get up, take the dog out and eat breakfast before I'm out of bed. Of course, they get up way earlier than I do ....I mean, I get up at 7:30ish - not totally outrageous! But, my kids get up at like 6:00. They usually are started on school before I get downstairs, even my youngest. It's just the expectation that's been set. I LIKE when I can get up and be downstairs before everyone, but it is rare that it happens. My husband HATES waking me up, he says he feels guilty....but, he does it if he has to. Glad to hear your husband and you had a long talk and worked it out.
You work your own business from home. This could possibly be a bigger part of this than you are giving credit. I started and ran a computer consulting and repair business from home when I found out I was pregnant with my first. I did this work for 11 years, repairs, networking, desktop publishing, point of sale systems, data recovery, etc. My husband worked out of the house, practically bankers hours with weekends off. I realize that the work from home thing can take more hours than we are willing to acknowledge sometimes. (if we kept track and did the math we would see how little we make per hour sometimes. LOL) A few thoughts come to mind. 1.5 hours to get ready? Ready for what? To go downstairs and eat breakfast. Make bed 4-5 mins. Brush teeth, shave and shower 15 mins. Dress 5 mins, 10 if you have to iron something. Hair and makeup - I have no clue - 10 min maybe? 35 minutes altogether. I tpically put houseclothes on eg t-shirt and jeans until after housework and chores are done anyway. If the kids are getting up at 6, they can stay up until 10 and get 8 hours. Are they going to bed earlier than that, do they nap also? Are you waiting them out at night and having them up early also? If so change sleeping schedule. I am thinking they stay up late until like 11, then sleep in while you and DH have breakfast. Then you get an hour or two of downtime after DH leaves for work before they wake up. This is also good because DH can have more time with them after work. If he gets home at like 6 which is typical, and they go to bed at 8 or so they are not getting enough time together. When are you doing the work at home thing? Are you getting time at night when he gets home to do this? Or are you task switching between homemaking, child rearing, homeschooling and working from home all day. If so, this might not be time efficient, and would be mentally exhausting. DH wants uniterupted breakfast, and you are eating cold eggs. If the kids are up, and you are suggesting they be in the room with you, well I so do not get this. If everyone is up, everyone should be at the table together. One breakfast family style. Cooked some days, continental on others. The prep of breakfast should be in turns with DH. I used to get up fix breakfast while DH showered and shaved, we ate together, then I did housework etc for an hour before getting dressed all the way. The kids took bathes and dressed at this time. I did dinner prep during lunch time and saved the last hour of the afternoon before he got home to priss the house back up while the kids vegged out on tv or computer etc. of when past toddler stage they helped. After dinner I ran business errands that I was unable to do with the kids. Take note of how your time is being spent during the day. How many hours on school, housework, business work, etc. Be honest and consider phone calls to girlfreinds and computer time as well. It could be that you are putting in too many hours of work and not enough play. You hinted that there are financial considerations also. Then you are living in in-laws house. I am sure that is a deal too good to pass up, but business and family rarely mix well. Stresses, stresses. Don't discount the various sources of stress in your lives. Getting up at 6 or 6:30 should not be a big deal if you do not have some baggage associated with it. If it is physically a problem, consider if you are getting enough sleep. IF this was the only thing that was being demanded I would give in. If there are other things like this also, then I would question whether my jobs as mother, teacher, and homemaker, and business woman were being valued. I am assuming they are getting done. If you have to work in the business, does DH do his share of housework?
