I have a situation that I would like some advice on. First some background info on my family. I have posted here before that this is my families first year of homeschool. Dd3 has never been to school or daycare. Dd10 was in a private christian school from ages 3 - 5 in a small town about an hour from Houston and when she started 1st grade we moved to Spring where she started public school. We could no longer afford private. She made tons of friends on our street and for a while she played basketball for the YMCA. Then we made the big move to competitive dance on a team that had been national champions for 10 years. She practiced 3 days a week and the girls on the team became very close friends. This year she isn't dancing because we'd like to keep our house and dance is very expensive. She will begin gymnastics next month at a gym some of her dance friends go to. Okay so you see she easily makes friends and has a lot of them. Even though she isn't dancing she still keeps in touch with several of them. She actually isn't here today because she left to spend the night with one of the girls last night. So basically my point is she is not laking in the social department. Well we have some "friends" that live across the street that have one daughter age 5. We have been "friends" for almost two years. We did almost everything together. From weekend trips at their lakehouse, to weekend BBQs, to dinner out, and family days at Galveston beach and Kemah Boardwalk. They even went on our family vacation with us. In August we all went camping for the weekend. A few days later they asked if Samantha was ready for school. We told them we had decided to hoemschool and thats when we got the look. You know what look I am talking about - and also the head shake with eye roll. We were pretty much attacked for our decision. Well my husband and I let it go and figured after the initial shock wore off we would have our friendship back. Uh...No. We were wrong. They have barely spoken to us since then. We were not invited to the camping trip last weekend and the husband cancelled on my husband's invitation to go dove hunting on our property this weekend. Well last night another neighbor was over visiting and we were sitting outside. Our "friends" were sitting outside as well and we all decided to walk over and say hi and let the kids play. Well they didn't say a word to us and were getting ready to leave for the lake house. After a few minutes the wife got up, walked to her husband and said something quietly. I then heard him say in a not so quiet voice "Would you just calm down. We are about to leave and they aren't coming with us so you won't have to put up with it." I looked at my other neighbor that was there and said I would see her tomorrow and she looked very shocked. Then I told my husband let's go now. How would you feel and react in this situation? Here is a family that you thought you were very close with and did everything with for two years and they totally treat you like scum. Just because we choose to educate our child in a different manner than they do all of a sudden we are wierdo freaks that are going to brainwash our children. My husband says he couldn't care less and its no big deal because he has had who he thought were friends stab him in the back before. Well I am hurt and mad. How dare they presume to know what is best for my family when frankly they can't even control their own 5 year old. I am just relaly upset over this and I just don't knwo how to feel. I am so sorry this post is soooooo long but I just need to hear some opinions and get some advice and move past this. Thanks so much in advance for your help!!!
I'm curious why they feel so threatened by your homeschooling. We've got friends that don't necessarily agree with it, but they also feel it's our decision and it really makes no difference. So why is it such a big deal to them? The way I see it is that you have two choices. You can either just let it go, and chalk it up for experience. Or you can try to make amends. Get in touch with them, tell them that you miss their friendship, and have you done anything inadvertantly to cause trouble in your relationship? If they are open to talking with you like that, maybe you can explain WHY you homeschool. You can reaffirm that, while it is the best choice for YOUR family, you also realize that it's not the best choice for ALL families, that you don't look at them any differently just because they choose to NOT homeschool. You have no intentions of trying to convert them to "you" way of doing things, no hidden agenda you're trying to force on them. Honestly, I don't think it will help, but it's still an option...
If you and your husband think that this is a friendship you both want to attempt to work out, then maybe you both can go over and ask what has happened. If they persist in their ways then I agree with your husband. It really wasn't a friendship to begin with. True friends love at all times even if you disagree and true friends take problems to the other for understanding. If this is the type of friends they are, then maybe it is better that this has happened because you do not want your children to be subjected to people who are going to come against your families choice to homeschool. God bless! Patty
Thank you both for your responses. I feel like maybe we should just let the friendship go because my kids don't need to be subjected to that negativity. Before this everything was fine. I don't understand why they feel threatened either. My best friend doesn't agree either but she respects our decision and doesn't attack us for it and that is one reason she is my best friend and has been for 22 years. If given the opportunity to explain why we choose to homeschool (which is a variety of reasons) I will gladly explain our decision but I will not tolerate any crap from them about it. I guess I feel so hurt because I thought we were such good close friends but you're right - friends don't do that to each other. Thanks for your input.
I have some friends who do not agree or maybe do not understand homeschooling, but they never hesitate to help with little things. During the year they will give Emma some goofy looking pencils or coloring paper. They encourage her in her studies even if they wouldn't homeschool themselves. These are friends, they love you through and through. I can really see how this is a frustrating situation. Stick to your guns, Woman!!! Patty
You know...our neighbors have treated us badly since we started homeschooling, too. Now we were not close to them, but our kids would play together. (their kids are a few years younger than mine). when my dd excitedly told them we were going to homeschool...the mom responded with a "OH...why would you do that?" and then my dd overheard her sying to her dh..."now what am I going to do with the kids when there is a school delay?" (they always came to my house, because she is a teacher in another school district). Anyway...I agree with both Jackie and Patty. If the friendship is important to you, talk to them. Make sure there wasn't anything you did (inadvertently) that caused their change in behavior. If not, and they don't seem to want to help fix things....I say cut your loss (as hard as that might be to accept). If you are like me...a peacemaker...you don't like having things left hanging, especially if they think something badly about your family. So, I say try and make amends....then you can feel better knowing you did what you could, if they don't respond, then it is their problem.
Thanks Patty for the encouragement!! I need it right now. We know we have made the right decision for our family and we do have some support. My parents are behind us in this and so are several of our friends. Some have asked questions and we have been happy to answer them honestly. Thats great that you have friends that do little things for your daughter and give encouragement. That is what a true friend would do. This couple that has now basically shunned us has issues of their own (in my eyes) but I don't tell them how to raise, discipline or educate their child nor do I tell them that I think their priorities regarding family issues are way off (in my eyes) and I am not trying to push my views on anyone at all. Thanks for helping me with this. It is hard but I agree it may have been for the best.
You are so blessed to have family behind you! My parents are 100%. DH's parents aren't too excited, but are fortunately wise enough not to make negative comments. They accept that it is OUR decision, not theirs. Plus, now that we're in our 8th year, they can see how well my kids are doing.
Leslie, its good to know I am not alone in this. It feels like a stab to the heart. I just keep questioning WHY? Up until the moment my dh said we were homeshcooling everything was just as it always had been. We didn't suddenly become different people. We are the same that we have always been but I guess the way we educate our children is a huge deal to them. Why I don't know. Talking to all of you makes me feel like we should just be done with them and avoid any more of their head shakes and snide comments. One thing they did say right off the bat was that she would miss out on so much. What they think she is going to miss I don't know. These people know how busy of a socail life she has. They have seen it first hand. I don't know - I think if I try to psychoanalyze this any further I will go crazy!!
You realize who your friends are during trials and how much they stand behind you (whether to support you or advice you in what they believe is right). I would not even worry about it. Pick those people who will help you and your family towards good and stay away from those people who are not even willing to speak about issues they have with you. To them you just may be out of your mind because the western mentality of teachers needing degrees or them attending a building has gotten to them. It amazes me everyday at how parents really don't want their children to be taught by their parents. It is really disgusting in my opinion when they have to try to look down upon women who decide they will take on the stress just like they took on the stress of carrying them in their womb and raising them. But oh well. Life moves on eh
It makes me want to tell them how much THEIR kids will miss out on!! LOL Just because our kids don't go to ps doesn't mean they are missing anything! And...actually, there is alot our there that I WANT my kids to miss out on, you know! With my neighbors, it was very clear they don't agree, not because of the reasons I thought initially, but becasue it was going to inconvenience THEM. Do people even realize anymore how selfish they are? Ok...sorry...I am about to go off. LOL But I'll be nice. As far as psychoanalyzing everything...oh my...I hear that! I think way too deep and hard about everything!
OH...by the way, my dd competes in dance, too. This is our first year. What did your dd compete in? Lindsey does tap and ballet. I am still waiting to see how the cost goes. I know it can get pretty expensive, but I figure we will do it while we can!
Leslie I know what you mean by there are some things I want her to miss out on!!! That is one of several reasons we chose to homeschool. It is amazing how selfish people can be - and so close minded!! She competed in Pom, Military, Prop, Novelty, and Hip Hop. The dance school also did things like jazz & lyrical but my daughters team didn't do either of those the two years she was on. Some of the officer groups did though. Her hip hop dance was the one she did with her ensemble group. She loved dance and made lots of friends but I think she got a little burned out. In January she was dancing about 10 hours a week to get ready for competition season and that meant she couldn't just go outside and be a kid. She had to rush home from school (she was in public then), get her homework done and get to dance. Competitions were every weekend in Feb. & March and they were all day event. Sometimes we would arrive at 7am and not leave until midnight or later. The cost was incredible!! We had to pay monthly tuition for team - $110, plus her ensemble monthly fee - $40, makeup fee - $30, choriography fee -$30, tryout fee - $5 per dance, gym fees (in Jan.)- about $30 per week, competition fees everyweek during competition and she was in 5 dances so it ran about - $100 - $130 per week on top of her monthly fees we were already paying, then we had to buy 5 costumes with hair pieces at $100 - $150 each, a $100 windsuit to wear over there costumes at competitions, plus the garment bag and duffle bag they all had to have, then there was the end of year banquet that cost $35 a plate for some subpar quality food. We also had hotel rooms to pay for when we taveled and on top of everything I paid I still had to pay to get into the competitions to watch my child dance!!!! We like our home and would prefer not to live in our car so we quit. I have one friend who's daughter is a soloist and they spend about $12K per year or more on this stuff. The first year wasn't that bad though because she was only in two dances. Good luck to you and your daughter. I hope she enjoys it and it doesn't cost you so much. Dance can be really great for kids. I know it helped my daughter open up and get out of her shell.
Emma is in ballet. This past year she got a trophy for the Palm Springs Competition. She almost did not make the competition because some of the dancers dropped three weeks before. Her teacher worked things out so she could do a duet instead. They had to make some changes but they did great. I wanted to put her in lyrical but she wants to take gymnastics instead as well as ballet. So she is still doing ballet but we are waiting on the gymnastics for now. We do not know when we will be out of here and do not want to start up more if she will not be around for the year. I hope we can find a really good dance school in Colorado. The school she attends has very strong teachers. They have swept the Laughlin Competition, I believe it was three years in a row. What I love is they do not tolerate gossip from parents or students. If you are caught they ask you to stop if you do not they ask you to find another dance school because they believe in building people up regardless of their dance ability.
I agree, it does help them to stand before others and perform. It really teaches them how to be good sports as well as good stretching habits. Emma's teacher used to be a professional dancer and WOW!!!, this lady is like Gumby. I was flabbergasted when I seen her teach the older students. Patty
Patty it sounds like your daughter is doing great! Although I made lots of friends when my daughter danced there was a lot of gossip - sometimes from the owner. My daughter's team won nationals both years we were there but they have been national champs for the last 14 years I think. They are really great and those girls put in so much work. I used to coach gymnastics so I am excited my daughter wants to do that now. So much cheaper!!! Hey this has really helped me take my mind off my original problem!! Thanks everyone for your support. Now I know when issues like this present themselves I can come on here and chat with you guys!!
WOW! Our cost is nothing like you described. We pay our monthly tuition of $65 for ballet AND tap. They don't have ANY of those other fees you described. Of course, when competition time comes around there will be the expense of costumes and makeup, but our instructor is VERY good at keeping cost as low as possible for parents. We also do fun fundraisers to help with the cost. The gal who owns the studio is an awesome, young christian gal and try to set a really strong example of sportmanship and integrity. They also have a dance ministry that they have invited Lindsey to be a part of (free of charge) and they go around to different churches and events and perform. It's alot of fun. And I am glad you are feeling better about things....
My dd was in gymnastics for a year or so. She loved it! She was in the homeschool class for awhile, but the teacher asked her to move up to the hugher class. She kept moving up 'til she was pre-team. But after doing that for awhile she started losing interest. I asked her what was wrong. She said in the classes before it was always fun, but when she got to pre-team, everybody, including the other parents were so cut-throat and mean trying to get to the team! So we stopped. I don't know that we could've afforded team anyway. Besides, we were just doing it as an outlet for fun, so when it got too competitive we decided to move on to other things. But she certainly had fun while it lasted! As for the friends, I think you do need to talk with them about this. This is a very hard thing! But put it in words that make you "the bad guy". Well, not really, but instead of saying, "Why are you acting this way?!" you can say, "I feel like there's something wrong, and I'm not quite sure exactly what's happening..." or something like that. That way it's your feelings you're asking about, not accusing them of anything. And even though it's hard, and they are the ones hurting you, YOU have to be the one that stays calm. If it starts getting out of hand, then say, "Oh well, that's okay, we can talk about this later when we're more calm." The reason I say this is because you do not want to give them any fuel for their fire! If you get upset or yell or something, then they could use that against you in some way down the line. If you stay calm, and have good reasons for homeschooling and explain the social outlets your dd has, and how well she is doing in her schoolwork, etc., then you've done what you should do. If they can't handle it, then, as the others said, maybe it's good to be done with them now, and be able to make new TRUE friends! I can't fathom their reasoning either, they really should explain why they're treating you this way, at least! Anyway, I will pray for you and hope things go well, and that you meet other good people you can be friends with!
hi, my input here, I have noticed that a lot of people are threatened by someone who home teaches because they feel that we as home schooling families think we are better than they are. They feel that we are putting them down when we choose to home school our kids because they think it means we think we know more than the schools do. It sounds to me that this family may have taken it this way, just by the fact that they were so suddenly taken aback by it. But I do agree with the person that said if this friendship is worth it to you, have it out with them! Get over there, or invite them over and let them know that you do not know what the problem is, but that you thought the families were friends, tell them you do not mean any harm to them by home schooling yoru child, just that its your choice. I really believe that keeping things open is the best thing to do. Maybe the kids can even be the straw that breaks the camels back sort of thing and you can set up a play time together? Just thoughts I had when reading this. It really does hurt when we feel set apart as Home schoolers, but that is what we choose.
