I took DS to the rec center to play basketball for the open gym hou thy have for middle schoolers. He says that some of the kids were unfriendly, an told him to "go play over there". I told him he needs to stand up for himself and tell the other children that he has just as much right to play there as anyone else. My DH thinksthis is a terrible idea and that it could start a fight. I think that if the kids see that he's a pushover and doesn't stand up for himself, they're more likely to continue their behavior, but if he asserts himself, he'll be respected. Am I totally wrong here?
yes & no. By standing up for himself he may start a fight. But by not standing up for himself, he may also start a fight. You have to give him more options and help him consider the outcome of each option, then let him decide how to react and stand by him no matter what the outcome. What would happen if he stood up and said I can play here too? How might the other kids react? If they push him, do you want him to retaliate & push back? (retaliation would be against the law) Would you want him to walk away? Maybe playing "over there" would be better for now. If those kids are at the rec center other days, then maybe they will all become friends over a little time. Possibly, he will never see those kids again. If the kids are playing and don't want to play with your son, that should be ok. My kids don't always want to play with their siblings and the one (or two) left out has to deal with it. (so long as it's not all the time) I say let it go for now. monitor things at a distance and let your son figure out what he needs to do for himself.
I somewhat disagree with Laura. To me, there is a clear difference between standing up for yourself, and being a bully back and taking revenge. Had you told him to start calling them names and fight, then clearly it would not be ok. However, I find it very acceptable to tell your son it's ok to state the obvious fact that it's ok for him to play where he wants (in a polite manner) and that the other kids aren't the bosses or rule makers. Isn't there an adult supervisor he can talk to? Sorry, but I have no tolerance for bully behavior. The reality is that if he doesn't do something to stand up for his rights, the 'bullies' will continue to be bullies. The trick is to do it in a polite and well-mannered way. He doesn't want to come off as a snot to them, or they will retaliate.
There is constant adult supervision by two staff members. But he won't 'tattle-tale' because I think he knows that would make the other kids pick on him even more. I did speak to the staff afterwards, however, and they told me that some of the kids can be 'cheesy' (a nice way of saying they're jerks). The main staffer also told me that next time, he would organize an actual game, so that all the kids would be on teams and play. I don't know what else to do. DH says he doesn't want DS to hang out with 'those kinds of children', and wants me to stop taking him to open gym. I think that dealing with brats is just part of life that DS is going to have to deal with at some point, and I can't keep him in a bubble for his entire life just because he's homeschooled. I also don't think that he should miss out on the opportunity to get physical activity, just because some of the other kids are rude.
Does he WANT to go, or would he rather stay home? Yes, learning how to deal with jerks is important, and so is standing up for yourself. If he wants to play, he'll have to learn to exert himself. If he'd rather stay home, I doubt he ever will (at least, not in that environment).
He did want to go, but now that the kids were rude to him, he no longer wants to. However, I just don't want to let him stay home and play video games. We live in an apartment complex with no where to play outside, and it's still very hot out (south Florida), so when I take him to the park, he doesn't run around for more than 5 minutes. I know the open gym is good for him, physically, but I just hope he can adjust mentally.
Then you might give him a certain amount of time to adjust...? Tell him you really want him to stick it out for now, and we'll see how you feel the end of September. He really needs to try and adjust, but if nothing changes in that time, it might be better to not go.
Yeah, we talked about it, and I told him it was important to me for him to get exercise, and that it wasn't his fault that some of the other kids don't know how to socialize properly. I asked him to give me a month, and to just practice dribbling and shooting hoops if the other kids won't play with him. He agreed. I'm sure that by the end of the month, he'll be fine.
