I'm just curious if there are others out there who deal with trying to teach a child with serious behavioral issues? I'm at my wits end. I'm ready to send him off to public school for the respite, but I'm not sure that won't just make things worse. Long story short, he's had major behavioral issues that come and go since we adopted him at age two. I think the issues existed before the adoption though, not that the trauma of the change triggered it. We've gone to psychiatrists with him but all they want to do is throw pills at him that don't work. He does have some foods which trigger his meltdowns, but we haven't pinpointed all of the causes. Lately it's been a daily battle and I'm worn out. I have too much on my plate. If any of you are dealing with similar things, have you tried public school? Did it provide respite, or did you just end up dealing with administrators on top of everything else?
I'm not homeschooling one, but my ds was certainly a.. handful. He's 9, so MOST of that is behind us.. most but not all. Have you read 'Raising your Spirited Child'? It's not really a guide as much as it just HELPS to change your thinking. It also taught me a lot about dealing with my ds as he is- recognizing the triggers before he blows and teaching him to recognize them as well, how to reframe his behavior so I could work with him instead of driving both of us crazy with my own stress and anger, and teaching me to LISTEN better to his cues that he was getting overwhelmed (which, with my child, is the biggest factor in whether or not he will lash out). You are welcome to pm me as well! Some kids really ARE harder to raise than others
Thanks. My son is eight, so we've been dealing with this for a while. I haven't read that particular book, but I'm willing to check it out. I have read many, many books and none of them have made a lick of difference thus far. I do believe that I could prevent his violent meltdowns, but honestly I think it would take giving him whatever he wants which is no way to live. There are times when he's overwhelmed - like doing his math, but there are other times when he can blow up over being told I won't buy him a cheeseburger - and when I say blow up that doesn't mean a temper tantrum, it means stopped on the side of the road waiting for my husband to leave work and assist me because he's so violent. He's definitely a difficult child. I always tell people if I only had my oldest I'd swear I was a failure as a mother and if I only had my youngest I'd be sure I was genius - so I must just be normal. :lol: I'm just daydreaming of the peace I could have by sending him to school... but I wonder if I'll actually have peace or if it will just change to fights over going to school and doing homework and being called to the principle's office.
I can't speak from my boys, but I have seen it with my brothers and a close friend, yes, it just "changed to fights over going to school..." My friend brought her's back home withing months. Now that is not to say that is always the case, but...
My son had his share of behavioral issues. Most stemmed from gifted(boredom) and Tourette's Syndrome (he was constantly in trouble at school for talking...go figure). We brought him hom in 1st grade to hs. He was doing so much better that we sent him back to ps. He ended up with the same problems he had the first time he was in ps. Then we brought him back home.....until....6th grade when we started building our home. He immediately was in the same behavioral situation at the school he had been years earlier. So, yes. You end up with problems at school because the behavioral issues don't go away, they tend to get worse.
I used to work with a family with a very "behavioural" child. Two things that worked for them were hiring me to do some of the subjects with him, so Mom could have a break. Second was one year they worked out a deal to put him into school just for half day - for respite! Then they followed along with the school curriculum but did most of the real work at home. My best advice is to make sure you have time where you can wind down. Whether that is setting him up with a favorite game/cartoon while you have a break, or hiring someone to show up in the middle of the day to give you a break. Homeschool might be your best option, but you can't go nuts trying to make it work!
Oddly, it's been the opposite with my ds. Kindergarten was horrible, but there were issues that weren't my son's fault. Otherwise, ds is NEVER in trouble there. The teachers love him, and he does well. I think he's less bored, but also because he is an extremely social animal. At home if he spends too long by himself (even if it was his choice) he gets grouchy and starts acting up. I will tell you ChelC I could have written your post! I am thankful every day that I didn't get two of ds- if I had, I would need therapy to find out why I stink so bad at being a mom! Thankfully, I got dd the second time around, and she's my little angel, so provides the balance I need. 8, in my opinion, is a tough age even with perfect kids. They are mouthy and they think they know everything already. I actually did some tough love (which I HATE with a passion!) on my own ds 6 or 8 months ago. I told him if he didn't want to act like he was part of the family than I would treat him like a roommate. I'd still do his laundry, cook his meals, etc, but nothing special at all. And for 2 hours I acted only mildly interested when he talked, and barely hugged him back when he asked. That was it- he'd had enough and asked to be a family again. It sounds awful, but I needed him to understand that he isn't ENTITLED to me falling all over him, and isn't ENTITLED to the sort of treatment he enjoys as my kid. I think until that point he thought all he had to do was show up, and I'd do the rest LOL. It made a world of difference in his behavior, and he became much more co-operative. My ds is also extremely affectionate and sweet, so being in the 'emotional cold' was much harder for him than being sent to a timeout or sent to his room. It's hard with a kid you can't outstubborn, and hard with a kid who will never just do what you asked because you are the parent. I could yell until I went hoarse, and he'd just stand there, yelling me down. That doesn't mean giving in though- no way unless you want to make it worse. You do, in my opinion, have to remove some of your feelings from the situation though.
This might sound odd, but check out a list of foods with a high salicylate content. Salicylates occur naturally in food, but my dd is sensitive to them and it makes her act out and behave badly. I first noticed it when she was 6. I did an elimination diet (ala Feingold) and found she reacts (emotionally) to orange juice, popcorn, strawberries, and some cooked tomato products. Recently I found that those foods are one highest in salicylates. Also, of course, food dyes and preservatives should be cut out as much as possible. It's worth checking out.
Have the psychiatrists come up with a diagnosis? I'm wondering if he has an attachment issue. Age two is actually a difficult time to be uprooted. Did he come from foster care, or from an orphanage? I am also an adoptive mom, so I'm kind of tuned into those issues. I also have a very close friend whose daughter, adopted from China at 18 mos. has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, as well as attachment issues. They really haven't been able to do much about the attachment issues though, because the bipolar is very poorly controlled. Recently they have had some success with the medications. It is my understanding that it is difficult to get the right level with many of the psychiatric meds in children, due to their varying metabolism. It gets easier after they go through puberty. My friend did put her daughter in Christian school for a little while, but is back to homeschooling her. She is of the opinion that it is better to homeschool her, and in the long run has saved her a lot of anguish from all of the garbage that she might have picked up from school. Her daughter can be very violent, and she has had to go to training for safely restraining her. Have you considered seeing an attachment specialist?
It doesn't sound odd to me. We've done a total elimination diet. He cannot tolerate almost any fruit. But then there are some things that don't seem to bother him, so I'm not sure if it's salicylate or not. Chocolate is by far the worst thing for him, he is mean 100% of the time after he consumes it.
I've wondered this, but I'm not sure he fits all the criteria. He was very attached to his foster mom though and it was hard for him - a lot of trauma. He has no official dx, but the doctors seem to all lean toward bipolar. I'm not sure I buy it though.
I would also recommend the book The Out-of-Sync Child. Both of my kids have sensory issues. If it wasn't for someone telling me about this, I don't know what would be happening with my kids. My son was so prone to meltdowns and so stubborn that we didn't know what to do. I fully believe that book saved my son's childhood. Although he has never been violent, he was absolutely driven by emotion and fear and stress and worry and anger and self-protection from things that nobody else would think would be upsetting. He's got a way to go, but the improvement has been more than I could ever imagine. He's able to interact with other kids in a typical way about 75% of the time. Before, if you put him in a group of kids, you had a 90% chance of some sort of meltdown within minutes. If you look at the book and decide to get a sensory evaluation, your local public school should have a program for this. If not, ask for an occupational therapy evaluation through a referral from your pediatrician. Occupational therapists are THE experts in this type of thing. You also mentioned that food triggers some of his behavior, but you're still trying to figure all of that out. If you haven't considered gluten, please do. One of the things that can happen with people who are trying the gluten-free diet for various things is that they don't go far enough in removing gluten from the diet. Especially with trying it for behavioral or psychological issues. They take out the obvious things, but don't think they need to worry about cross-contact or small amount of ingredients in other things. So if you want to try the gf diet, approach it as if he has full-blown celiac and take ALL of it out. I have psychological reactions from gluten myself (panic attacks, depression, mood swings, nightmares) and trust me, it's more horrible to live through that than it is to have to watch your food intake. Nancy
We did a total elimination diet last year. No salicylates, no dairy, no gluten. The poor kid spent Thanksgiving eating millet muffins with ghee. Thankfully we saw no indication that gluten was a problem. We couldn't eliminate all gluten contamination from the home though, my husband is a Grain Technician and frequently comes home with wheat in his pockets and covered in wheat dust. Still, even away from home there was no improvement from the elimination of gluten or dairy. The salicylates seem to be hit and miss. Fruit is like a drug to him. There are few fruits that he can eat without getting mean. Apples and chocolate are the two worst triggers for him. He seems to have some sensitivity to corn syrup and honey, though it seems cumulative, he can tolerate small amounts. He doesn't fall asleep without melatonin, and he's hyperactive always. He also seems to be seasonally affected. Every fall until the holidays are through he has trouble. I'm not sure if it's related to the waning light as winter sets in, or what exactly. Maybe the stress of holidays, school and less light gets to him? I haven't figured it out yet. First we thought it was that he consumed more fruit because it was harvest season, but we've cut that out and eliminated that as the cause. Then we thought it was holiday treats, but again I think we've mostly ruled that out. It's frustrating to feel so helpless, but we've been to numerous doctors and their solution is always to try this or that pill that can cause permanent tics and never helps long term anyway. We've had greater success from dietary changes than from medications. Anyway, it's just overwhelming. Thanks for letting me vent.
I'm glad to hear you've gotten so far with figuring out his food triggers. That takes a lot of work. I would definitely ask your pediatrician for an occupational therapy referral for an eval for sensory issues. Our insurance pays for OT for both of our kids, and we have really cruddy insurance. It's something that the doctors never seem to think of themselves. I'm so glad you're able to vent here. There's nothing like hearing a "me too" is there? I found an article about violent behavior in sensory processing disorder. It's about a much younger child, but you might have experienced that when he was that age. http://www.todaysparent.com/preschool/article.jsp?content=20090602_165018_6548&page=4 Also, wanted to add that in public school kids who are prone to violence tend to be placed in a separate multi-grade class with other kids who have violent behavior problems. So it ends up snowballing for the child. The teachers do a lot to teach the kids social skills and better choices along with the regular school work, but as a mom you know that there is only so much they can do. Every school and every district is different, so your district might have some sort of better program. I just know that that's what happens in our school district. At 8 years old you may also want to just ask him about how he feels about some of the sensory stuff. Light, sound, sensation, movement, etc. If bright light hurts him, for example, he may not realize that it doesn't hurt anyone else. I myself have a low tolerance for loud sounds. Some sudden, loud sounds are physically painful to me. It's like getting spiked through the head and sometimes it actually causes me to see a bit of a flash. If it happens more than a few times in a row, I'm fit to be tied and I start getting angry. Just anything to make it stop. (!!!) Until I started OT for my kids, I never knew that that wasn't what everyone else experienced. {Hugs..} Nancy
My friend had her daughter in a Christian school for a while, and she didn't act out at all while at school, and wasn't in need of a special classroom. Even so, her daughter was picking up new ideas that could be very dangerous with a child who is already violent.
I didn't read this earlier because I haven't had to deal with this issue but after reading your math thread came back. The one nice thing is if you get a diagnosis you may qualify to get a behavioral therapist or respite worker to come in and help you. My guess is that that would end up being more helpful than putting him in school where his problems may increase. You could still get a break and you would also perhaps have time with your other child. It's hard to not neglect the easy child when you are always having to deal with behavior issues in another child. Depending on who you get a behavioral therapist may be able to get to know your child and give you better ideas than people on the internet. It's nice to have a sounding board and get ideas here but it's impossible to know what to do with a child you don't really know. Even a family member or church member that might be able to help out if you don't get professional help but it has to be someone who knows the child and can work with them. I have worked in special ed classes as an assistant and the key is really getting to know the child. I will also say that sometimes it is easier for someone outside to take some of the harder tasks like math or chores with the child because they don't have to deal with it 24/7 and are not completely worn out if you know what I mean.
Now after reading your post on how he is worse on during the holiday/winter season. Now that is a bipolar sign right? I has a friend who was bipolar and with less light hours she was way worse. Then again is he outside as much now as he was in the summer? Burning off a lot of his built up energy/anger etc? I know that if I don't have my youngest get outside and do something physical daily he gets very aggressive. More so than usual. So, whether it be cold or hot out he has to go outside and do his thing. Or our daily struggles are worse than usual. I often wonder if ps would be better, but I know it would only be better in the sense I get a break for a while. I know it would not fix or really even help our problems.
Public school would just provide the wrong kind of help I'm afraid. they do do anger management. That is really what it sounds like what your child needs. How old is he? That would make a difference as well. Ask him what makes him mad, and him write about it. Give him things that are okay to do with anger and things that are not. The Bible says to "be angry and sin not" let him know its okay to be mad, but that you just have to learn to deal with whats okay to do when mad. I am not saying have him throw pillows but running laps has helped my kids when they are angry. Laps of the block or the back yard whatever. Doing Pushups, helps too, and of course you probably already try to get him to talk out his anger. I have lived with people who had anger issues while growing up and found that if you coudl determine the trigger for frustration it helped to solve the issues. Or at least prevent it from exculating. I admire you for adopting and sticking with him. Give him a hug time too! I used to hold one kid I took care of who had anger management, in sort of a locked hug, he would be so mad but instead of dlashing out I would wrap my arms around him so tight in a hug, to protect him from himself, that was for pre school age, so depends on the age, so what is his age? Also are you a believer? Do you attend church etc?
JoAnne I totally wanted to agree with your post, sometimes they just need an OUT,not punishment alone but time to go and run off the agression. When I was overwhelmed with anger at my mom as a teen I would put on my track suit and go running, rain or shine! The rain helped to exhaust my fears and angers btw.
Thank you for all of the feedback. It's hard to know where to draw the line - what's character and what's out of his control, KWIM? We did pick up some vitamin D supplements. He has dark skin and is getting less sunlight these days, so that's a possibility we haven't explored. We haven't ruled out bipolar, I'm just not sure what good the diagnosis does. Since he was three we've seen psych docs and they have prescribed so many things that haven't helped. They always warned us that they could cause permanent ticks, and even a heart attack if they were stopped too suddenly. It was awful to give those kinds of drugs to my child. One drug eliminated the violence, but made him gain a lot of weight and it inhibited his ability to feel guilt. He could look me in the face and lie without batting an eye. When we weaned him off of it he confessed everything under the sun. We didn't know that he had also been stealing. He was so remorseful and we went back to the store and apologized and paid for the items and such. I'm very afraid of using those kinds of drugs again because they always had little effect and big consequences. While he's young, we're hoping to find every other means to help him, but if things get bad enough I guess I'll have little choice about meds. We are making some changes. We're being stricter about his diet again, and hoping that we make some new discoveries, we've done this several times of the years and we know that fruits are like a drug for him, especially apples. It's amazing how many people feed children without asking, so it's difficult sometimes to keep tabs on every morsel he consumes and apples can be hidden in lots of unexpected places. In addition to the supplements and dietary changes, he's being sent outside for an hour a day to play. We are going to change up his math, because though MUS worked in the past, I can tell he needs a fresh start, so we're going to try Teaching Textbooks. I think he'll be less likely to blame me for everything if a computer is teaching him for math, and it will give me a break to spend time with my younger son. I'm trying to catch him before he loses his temper to ask how he feels, how he can better deal with it, etc. Hopefully we can eliminate some of the rages. Right now he's deciding about whether he'd like to talk with a counselor. I've worried in the past about counselors because there are so many strange ones, but our church offers a counseling service, so I think I'll go that route if my kiddo is interested in making an effort (I think he will). Beyond that, I'm not sure what to do. He has a difficulty with taking responsibility for his actions, and seems to think that natural consequences are just bad luck/meanness from other people. I'm not sure how to get him to see the connection when he finds comfort in playing the blame game. I'm hoping we can make more connections because I really fear the teenage years!
