I feel like a real whiner on here lately, but I really need help. Because of the issues I have with my son, I have to take his learning to a minimum. What is that for you? I don't want him to get behind, but I'm putting so much effort into his school year and he won't put forth any. It's impossible to educate someone who doesn't want to be educated. Now, I do think it's possible to trick him into learning on his own. That's what I'd like to do. I bought teaching textbooks. Even though he scored 100% on the level four pretest, I'm starting there, because if it challenges him, he'll fight (and that means literally - violently). I hope it works for him, but I'm not sure. We will continue what we're doing for geography, memory work, read aloud, science and spelling. All these subjects are done together with the four year old (who is really advanced and that's another part of the problem - jealousy). So what are my bare minimum subjects? Help me fill in the holes - preferably with something computer based that he can do without me, to eliminate fighting. We have: Devotional and Memory work - daily Math - Teaching Textbooks - daily Spelling - Sequential Spelling - daily Read Aloud - 4x/week Science - 2x/week U.S. Geography - 2-4x/week Personal reading - 20 minutes daily (book of his choice) Typing - BBC's dance mat - once a week Usually the big fight is on math and language arts. Hopefully TT will solve the math issues, but I don't know what to do for LA. I prefer it to be independent learning if possible, because he likes pushing my buttons and pretending he doesn't know how to do things. This paring down is giving me some anxiety, because I feel like he will not be learning very much, but we are not functioning lately. I feel defeated. I feel like my son is taking advantage of this situation and that he is very lazy in addition to being defiant. It seems to me like he'd torment all of us for four hours in order to get out of ten minutes of work. When he's at school, he won't concentrate on it, unless he's competing with his brother somehow. Everything is a fight. I need to figure out ways to inspire independent learning in him without him knowing it. He loves science. He loves building and creating, if that helps. He is very weak in LA.
I think the first thing you have to do is work on relationships and respect. I have no idea what exactly your days are like, but it sounds very stressful. While a good solid education is a good goal, I don't think it will be possible with all the conflict. Since I have never been in your shoes, I can't give you specific advice on how to heal the hurts and stresses. Even though I cannot understand fully what you are going through, I am going to risk advising you to do something totally crazy: 1.Put away ALL academics-English, math, science, history, typing, etc. The only thing I would keep is the devotional time and Bible reading (but not like a class). 2. Focus on relationships and respect. He may be hurting very deeply and this might just be the cup of cool water he needs to help him heal. I don't know how deep his hurts or fears go, but young people need time to reflect and destress and hurting young people need more of that. God has been helping me with a different but stressful problem with my homeschooling adventure with my son. He has even helped me ease up a lot on how we do things and even do days where there is not much required. My son is in high school and that can seem like a pretty risky thing to do, but if I decide to put academics in front of our relationship then both would suffer. I don't think a child can succeed in much of anything if they don't have good relationships. Our problem was mostly my fault, but yours seems like the issues are with him and his past. Different problems, but similar results (strained relationships and stressful days.)
My absolutes are Math and Language Arts. When I say Language Arts, I mean Grammar, Reading, Spelling and Handwriting. (Writing, itself, is L/A...but I dont' find it crucial b/c I find if I leave my kids alone, they do writing for fun! We do have a curricula for it...but nothing strenuous!). Bible. Those are my drop deads, get done every day. Regardless.
My dd is 6, and I also mostly focus on Reading/L.A. and Math. We do science, social studies, separate writing, music, art, phys ed, and health, but those aren't the HAVE TOs. And even though my focus is not on social studies, for instance, I've found that she learns whatever I give her quickly even though I might just read her something while she's coloring a picture. It's amazing how much they learn even if we aren't forcing them. btw- on a bad day, we might do 20mins of reading, 20mins of math and that's it. Those days are few and far between, but I figure if I've covered those two things, she's hit what I REALLY need her to know. That's about the length of her focus for any subject as well, so it seems to work. Most days run about 1 1/2 hrs (if she's being studious) to 2hrs (if she's talking non-stop ). We try to do something for gym 3x a week, and that's an extra half-hr (which is MY tolerance level.. it's usually at the end of her school day so she'll keep running around or dancing or exercising for awhile after that). What were you thinking you needed to add to his curriculum? Specifically with math and language arts, I can only tell you what is working with my dd. Some days she uses pennies for her math, which is cementing her ability to work with numbers. She does well in math, but it definitely isn't her favorite thing to do. I try to keep it interesting so she isn't being pounded with one concept. For instance, this week we were talking about ordinal numbers, but her worksheets are practice of subtraction. Language arts- I love starfall. There are lots of different things on that site for kids. Otherwise with my dd, I had to give up the spelling lists (which were causing unnecessary anxiety) and for now she isn't writing any stories, either. I have her do copywork off the board to practice her handwriting, and we dissect stories we read (this week we are talking about plot). Since being able to talk about things in order is also part of language arts, it works well and she isn't required to write about it. (my dd is an auditory learner anyway, so whatever we talk about is what she REALLY remembers.) My other thought was to maybe mix science with Language arts. I was thinking.. with experiments, one of the big things is to be able to come up with a hypothesis (which requires writing), etc. It also can require an oral discussion (also L.A.). If you feel you must do spelling, maybe you could use words related to whatever he's learning in science, as well, so that it directly relates to what he likes.
I'm aware of your situation a little from another post. (((Hugs))). What grade is he? I agree with cabsmom on cutting down the academics. "The Golden Triangle" - LA, reading and math must be done regardkessly since it is a base, otherwise (if he is still in elementary grades) I would do more together kind of stuff like going to places, have conversations etc. I have a stepson, who loves when I tell him how great he is and in any other way let him know that he is special. Adopted kids are unpredictable gifts that's for sure, you never know what kind of sets of genes you get up on your shoulders. In any way - good luck to you, and God bless your family.
My absolute minimum: First, separate Bible reading and discussion off from curriculum, and just read and discuss together. Minimum academics: LA and math. The LA would include some grammar/usage/mechanics. Then "free reading" would include science and history. Science could include his building/tinkering, after getting LA and math done. For LA I'd do something minimal -- like one or two-page worksheet (two sides of one sheet) on a concept. I'd include lots of read-alouds for the younger child, with him present but not "involved" if that's how you can get him to sort of listen -- even if what I'm reading is way over the 4yo's head, that's okay, maybe he'll pick up some of it anyway and the 4yo will have a whole life to hear it again and actually get it.
Chelc, First of all Kuddo's for trying. We are going to make mistakes as parents and "everything" is going to be our fault anyhow...but you're trying and that is what it is all about. I think that Cabsmom has an excellent idea. But if you take that advice you have to give up your "core". I think that having a discussion with your son about what you are doing is critical. "We are going to take a break from specific school work to work on how to learn. I can not teach you if you are not willing to learn and you know that. So our work is going to be about figuring out what you need to know to learn better." Then really do it. Your 4 yo doesn't need anything specific...call it vacation. This is a great time of year to put everything on the back burner...then in January you sit down and together write a list of goals for the new year. Then READ. The bible and pretty much anything he shows any interest in. YOU read with him. ANY time he asks a question about anything...stop what you are doing and really sit down and listen to his question and if you don't know the answer say. "hmmm? I don't know exactly...lets go see if we can find out." Then go to the computer and google it. Even if you do have an answer you could say. "I wonder what other people think about this?" Every evening after he is in bed...keep track in a notebook of what kind of discussions you had. (the other day my boys and I talked about female puberty and somehow segway'd into hermaphrodites?! all from a joke on a tv show about "that time of the month") If you can sneak in some math...fine, grocery shopping pick up two cans of soup...which one is cheaper? But is the can bigger? why is the big can actually cheaper even tho' it cost more? Here is 50 cents...can you buy any candy you want? why not? Hey, will you help me keep track...I have 50$ to spend today and we need to get this stuff on the list. Bring the calculator and you keep a running total while we shop so we don't go over. (go over on purpose...decide what needs to go back) Ask him to pay attention in the car and tell you how to get back home. ONLY turn when he says to...this is hard. If you get "lost" LAUGH and say, it is hard when you aren't driving to pay attention to all the turns. He can't really NOT learn. And what exactly is "behind" Remember you have until he is 18 to help him to become the man you want him to be...some kids are a bit slower off the mark but have more zipping up and some are slow and steady. Last but not least (and of course, all of this is worth what you paid.) Have a conversation, individually with both boys...I too have an older one that struggles and a younger who is on a par with him (3-4 grades ahead) so we talk about gifts (including the gifts of the spirit) and how it isn't what you have that makes you a man, it is what you do with it. (parable of the talents) maybe your 4 yo won't get it yet, but point out to your older son that when the 4yo is older he will be responsable for the "talents" he has been given and to those to whom much is given, much is required. Also, this helps me sometimes...he is not yours. Meaning he belongs to God, and God has a plan for him and it is good...part of that plan includes him being "yours" Pray where he can hear you praying for him, thanking God for him (and his brother) and putting his life in God's hands. It takes the pressure off, knowing I just have to do MY best...I don't have to be perfect or "fix" everything. ok. I am almost done. THEN in January, pull out your notebook and show him how much he has been "learning". Ask for his input about what he wants to learn and really try to encorporate that into his curriculum. NO worksheets. (unless he likes them) My son asked (asked!!) for spelling. (not to say he didn't whine when it was time to do it.) God bless you!
Thanks for the advice. I do like the idea of keeping a notebook for a while and doing some unconventional learning to get back in gear. I think that's a good idea. I'm also wondering if I should purposely plan less conventional methods during Oct-Dec when he's typically at his worst. We do have a lot of talks about his moral development. It is my top goal. I would much rather have him behind academically than morally. He gets it, he just has a hard time applying it when it counts. We are reading the Little House books this year and they are chock full of life lessons. At the end of this year I've scheduled to read Little Britches - which is more geared to boys (an AWESOME book by the way for anyone who hasn't read it - I forced my husband to read it and then he read the whole series by Ralph Moody). I printed off a list of family rules - all centered around respect. For the next while I'm going to have everyone choose one each day to focus on. Hopefully that will help also. The difficult thing is that since he's at his worst seasonally, about the time we start seeing improvement is also when it would let up anyhow, so it's difficult to make connections. Every Jan/Feb I think he's much improved and every fall/early winter I am bowled over by it again. I am feeling emotionally stronger this week, and it always helps to have a new plan, so thanks to you all. I'd still like to find an independent LA - specifically writing development, but I'll keep looking.
For LA I am using "Hands on Essays" it is geared to homeschooling; has dopey videos that the boys like (won't admit it tho') It covers outlining and different types of essays...and has helped me know what to require. (and not hugely expensive.) lessons are fairly brief and easy...then you can just apply them.
