I have a ds who is 11. He constantly finds something to complain about. The sibling rivalry is also becoming a problem when he is involved(dd,9,ds,7,dd,5). I know he would like more time alone now that he is getting older, but there is only so much that can be done. He is also very hyper - loves doing manual labor that does not include school work! I grounded him for complaining constantly yesterday- 2 days from the game system they got for Christmas. Now he is constantly making remarks about wanting to play the game when I ask him to do something else ( like Language or Math which he has to do anyway). I keep telling him he needs to "Go with flow. There are some things you cannot change. We are a family and EVERYONE should help to support it. " That means chores, complaints to a minimum and being mindful of others(even their habits - bad or good depending on how you look at it). Although I am very good at standing my ground after I tell him something he still constantly asks and makes remarks. Anyone had a similar complainer? I am losing my humor about the situation. :roll: Sabrina
I have an 8yo ds that is a complainer of sorts. I found he is just bored. He started doing an apprenticeship in the shop with my dad and is putting himself to work. We broke down and allowed my bro to give the kids an old play station....and I'm already regretting it. It is going the way of the dodo! I have noticed an increase of frustration and dependence upon entertainment since it got here. What's strange is that the kids have had PC games for years--mostly educational but they do play games that are for entertainment alone, too--and the play station evokes completely different emotions and dependence. I don't want it around anymore at all. I'm going to start by limiting the time to between 2 and 3pm only if all of the school and chores are done. If I still get the same griping and irritability throughout the day.....the play station is history! Now, I will say that my complainer was a complainer before the play station, but we had really found ways to curb his complaints until just recently--most of which was keeping him busy and productive. I am anxious to see others' responses in case I need some more ideas to help with my household, too!
My oldest is a complainer. We DO give him a chance to "state his case", and we state ours, before making a final decision on punishments. Once a decision is made, though, he's not allowed to whine about it to anyone. The more he fusses about it, the longer it will be 'til he can get back to playing the computer or Nintendo or Play Station or whatever anyone has. We tell our kids that certain things are rights, and certain things are privileges. Eating is a right, his game is a privilege. If he does not live up to the rules we have set in this house, then he does NOT receive the privileges! He sometimes complains about the chores or jobs that he has to do. He's 13, his brother is 11, his sister is 7. We base their allowance on their age, so when he compares what he does with what his siblings do, we tell him we will pay him what they get if he wants to only do as much as what they do. That has worked well for him. He likes money, and enjoys being "Top Dog", so he will usually then bite his tongue, and do the chores without much/any more comment. The Top thing is good sometimes when he's in a positive mode, but he can also get rather overbearing if he takes it too far, which he does do sometimes! My sister got married in Florida about 1 1/2 years ago. I was the Matron of Honor, and my dd was the Flower Girl, so we took a big mother-daughter trip together. It was great fun, and the boys stayed home together and enjoyed that. But my husband found a great deal on a Nintendo game, and got it while we were gone! The kids like it, but I have never seen the value in it, and time on it is restricted! I agree with Brooke: their behavior changes when they play it too much, and the stress level rises! I wouldn't be brokenhearted at all if we didn't have it!!! :wink: We MAY head that direction at some point. It's come close a time or two. We'll see. Oh, we just read a story where a girl was upset about something her friend did, and when she told her mom about it, she was just steaming mad at her friend. The mom told her to go write a letter telling her friend all these things that she had just told her mom. The girl was ready for revenge, and thought that was a splendid idea. Once she finished, she read the letter to her mom, who said, "Great, good job, now go throw it away." The girl was surprised, but as they talked, she realized that she already did feel better after "letting the steam off" in the leetter she wrote. Plus, in the long-run, it wouldn't do their relationship any good to keep holding grudges and being negative about it. Anyway, I was just thinking I may try a version of that with my son next time we have a big problem (IF that ever happens again! :wink: ). Let him go to his room and let off all the steam he wants to. Then throw the letter away without me even reading it (I take things too personally!). Maybe that would help release steam---I mean, it's gotta go somewhere... When he gets really bad, I have him do MORE chores, and keep him busy, until he realizes that life wasn't so bad after all! And this still works some for him--I praise him a lot when he does the RIGHT things, and praise his siblings when they do the right things, and try to put the focus more on positive things. I do have a temper that I, with God's help, am working on, but I try not to let myself get out of hand either! What kind of example am I being if I do that?! Lastly, I PRAY a LOT! It doesn't neccessarily make the bad things go away, but God DOES help me handle the situations that come up better/calmer. Well, guess I've talked long enough. Don't know if any of this helped. Best wishes to you!
Sounds like what we do. Listen and , yes, add more time away if the complaining continues. How much do you give for allowance? I have not been sure about allowance. They pretty well get things they want sooner or later. Ds works with dad ocassionaly(I can never remember how to spell that particular word) and gets paid well and is learning his trade and other trades that happen to be there(dh is contractor). As for chores - I expect everyone to do something and would like them to do more! I feel keeping the house clean, animals fed and yard picked up should be part of what you do for the family. For all our well being. Of course, sometimes it is easier to do it myself just so I don't have to get upset because they are not following through. Our house is tiny - 6 people and 2 bedrooms. Things have to be fairly clean or you can't walk! We are working on 2 more rooms and should be finished in about a month - so although it seems like forever it is almost over. BUT, we do have 20 acres for the kids to play on so they get lots of outside time. The games are not dominant. They are generally something that is a guy thing(although dd is a very good driver). Dh likes them and that is the main reason we have them. I don't have time for such things! I'd rather play Scrabble! Consequently, I have very good spellers!! Winner gets $1.00. Especially great if they can beat me! What an incentive! I am rambling. :roll: !!! Sabrina
The job your son has sounds great! Wish I had the opportunity to do that with my kids! We don't give a very big allowance compared to others I know, but at least it's something. We give $1.00 per year of age per MONTH (not each week---some people think we're stingy, but we really can't afford more). We all get together at the table each month, and when we give them their money, they tithe 10% first, then whatever amount they want for church/missions offering, next they put half of the total into savings, and they keep the rest. Sometimes it's not very much after all that, but it's a good lesson for them to learn to tithe first, and help others (offerings) before using it for pleasure for themselves! They also now have decent sized savings accounts because THEY saved, not because we put lots of money in it. I think the lesson of tithing and saving is more the reason we decided to give allowances. Plus they have a little extra cash, and when they beg for things, I tell them they can use their money to get it. That helps them see how much all those little things they ask for add up to! I agree with you about the chores. There are certain things you do just because you're part of the family. If we all work together then it keeps things rolling much more smoothly! Then we have other jobs that are extra that we'll pay them some for doing. Scrabble is a great game for spelling! We did that for awhile, but my kids started getting tired of it. We'll get back to it later. There are other things we can do for now. Six people, two bedrooms---ouch, that's tight! I bet it's hard waiting for the extra space, but it'll be GREAT once you get to use those extra rooms! WOW, 20 acres---that's great too! At least they can get out and run off some energy! Oh, that reminds me. That's another thing I do. I make have the kids run around our house a few times. That helps rid them of excess energy, and once they get their breath back, they settle into working without so many complaints!
Deena - that's so funny! We make them run around the house too! Sometimes they just have the energy to run off. What a great way for them to have a savings account and learn to tithe to others. That sounds like a great system for allowances. There are definitely times that we can afford more and sometimes hardly anything. Construction is like that. It is nice to have ds learn different trades. Although he seems to think he doesn't need all the school work that he has to do. Dh and I try to let him know how much math is used in construction. This took him a long way in fractions. Thanks so much for the input!
Do you want a Bible verse? Phillipians 2:14 says: "Do all things without complaining or disputing" (NIV). I have what I refere to as the "Mom's Aplified Version" laminated and posted in my kitchen. It states: "Do all things without complaining (grumbling, whining) or disputing (arguing)". I will often ask "Are you arguing with me?" which is generally answered, "Well, no, BUT......" They are SLOWLY learning that any time they say "BUT...." I consider them arguing, LOL! I also tell them that they can whine and fuss all they want to, but it has to be done in their room where I can't hear it. My poor kids!!! I think they can recite that verse quicker than John 3:16!!! Thank you for confirming my belief that a video game is NOT what I want for this house!!!
Jackie, That's a GREAT text, isn't it?! I used that for awhile, but forgot all about it when they started doing better. I think I better do as you did and post it up for us all to see (I'm including myself in that!) so it can be referred to as needed!!! Thanks for the reminder! Sabrina, The strange thing is, I hadn't had to use that run around the house thing for some time. But just this morning the boys would NOT settle down. I changed the "exercise time" a bit. We have a bit of a slope on our driveway, so I had them run up and down the driveway 10 times (One time includes up AND down)! Then I had them pull some Christmas lights off our front area that had not been taken down yet. That settled them down! It was also good exercise for them. IT's been VERY cold and rainy, and they havven't gotten out as much as usual. It was cold today, but not raining at that time, so it all worked out very well! :wink: Yes, the tithe and savings from allowance has really worked out well for us and them! We're hoping that they get so used to it that when they're older and on their own they'll continue the practice!
Jackie, I did have ds copy that verse for himself in the past - I need to do it again. :wink: Thanks for the reminder. I also love Hebrew 13:17 "Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you" Sabrina
complaining I thought I was alone in complaining. The consequences for complaining, rolling eyes and 'fits'. Are several! No computer, gameboy, tv Does writing-copying pages out of books, writing names of all presidents, writing preposition, copies down the list of rules about expected behavior. Runs around the house Does extra chores of my choice around the house, usually the messy ones. I don't give allowance. If I notice something good while working, listening to me, following instruction, etc. Then we have play money. He collects these in a pouch inside one of his folders. Once a month there he is allowed to buy something out of a box I have in the attic (items he has picked out at the store or I have found that he likes) each one having a different price. I know it sounds confusing, but this is the only thing I found that really works. I did used to give real money for allowance, but it went by the wayside.
I thought I was imagining things when Kevin got his first game system eons ago. He would play and if he would get stuck on a level he would slowly get hateful and disgusted. It got to the point where I told him if I hear temper it comes out; swear at it and I take it away.
I must admit I havn't read the entire thread just skimed so these may have been mentioned already. Aparantly I was a complainer as a child. My father would emedialy fine me 10c as soon as I started up, no if's or buts lol. I hated it! I thought it grously unfair! but it helped :wink: The other thing he used to say was 'you have a compaint, then put it in writting' Not that I ever did, but maybe you could combine the two. Fine 10c and have him write out his complaint. I like the verse someone put 'Do all things without grumbling or complaining' maybe at the bottum of each written complaint he could me made to write that verse. I would let him air genion complaints but he should be told he has to ask for 'air' time and it will be a proper sit down discusion. Not whinging and grumblings throughout the day and that if he wants to whinge or grumble he can do so in his room! lol thats what I tell my 3 yearold.
