DH upset with me over a party invite!

Please tell me that someone else is going threw this. My DS is chasing this bad kid around practically begging him to be his friend. For some reason he is obsessed with this kid. I have told him not to play with him but today I caught DS asking him “you really hate me don’t you” of course the kid said yep. We are having a party in a month and inviting a select group of kids. DS wants this kid to come but I’m not giving him an invitation. When this kid see’s the other kids all having cake and pizza and playing with the basketball court he going to want to participate. Is it bad to just tell him to get lost if he wonders over? He’s really not invited, I feel strongly about this. This kid is 8 and had the police called on him for throwing bricks at someone’s house, calling them white trash.


DH said because the kids will be outback, I can’t send him away. I disagree. He’s a troublemaker and he doesn’t even like DS. He only plays with him when he wants something or when there’s no one else around. DS is normally very good about knowing who his real friends are but for some reason he wants this kid to be his friend. It’s my pizza, my candy, my cake and my court and I don’t want him to touch any of it. I just can’t stand the kid. Now DH is not speaking to me because he says I am acting like a child and I am teaching DS bad habits. I didn’t tell DS that the kid couldn’t come; I just wasn’t making him an invite. Why would anyone invite someone to a party that doesn’t even like you? That is crazy. Plus, I don't want him terrorizing the kids. I think it's really stupid for DH to be mad at me over a party invite. I mean, am I wrong here?

 

First of all, I'd be like you. I don't care if he's outside or not. It's a party, and if you're not invited, you're not invited. And I wouldn't want to be inviting him.

HOWEVER, having said that, the bigger issue is submission to your husband. He has strong feelings about this, and I think you need to respect and follow those, whether you agree or not.

 

While I can totally understand where you're coming from...totally.

This kid seems to me like he's completely lost and hurting. Maybe your family is the only positive thing in his life and that he hates to admit that he DOES like your son and DOES like being around. Sounds like he's got a pretty awful life to be so hateful, so young.

I would say invite him, but if his behavior is out of hand at the party, kick him out? Or don't invite him, but if he comes around wanting to be a part, let him.

Sometimes the unlovable are hard to love, but it's what they need the most.

 

I'm with Krista- this kid has learned some evil stuff at such a young age. My bet is he has no idea how to act right socially. His home life is probably a disaster. No 8 yr old knows 'white trash' without some dense adult teaching it to them.

I'd give the boy a chance. You can set rules, you know. He 'terrorizes' the other kids, you can tell him that's not acceptable at your house and he must quit. I'd give him a warning that if you catch him again, he has to go home. Make sure you're not waiting for him to mess up, but if you catch him, you do have the right to tell him to stop the offending behavior.

 

Well, I would never do the submission/obey thing. Sorry. I do what I want. It's always been that way in our family and DH would never ask me to. I never ask to do anything,I mention it and I do it. In fact, normally I call the shots, I buy what I want ( if the bills are paid and DH does the same) Although he will ask if he can do something, I really wish he wouldn't. I handle the bills and money. When I can't get to the cooking and cleaning DH does it. If theres an issue such as this we talk it out and make a decision together. It's not what he wants or what I want, we both have to agree. I'm not trying to offend anyone. This is just how we are.

So we agreed to invite him because it's rude not to, but we will be keeping a close eye on him. If he cuts up he has to leave and he will be made aware of this before he comes into the house.I know that one of the kids coming has serious issues with this kid. He lives at the house where he was throwing rocks. DH said he wasn't angry that I didnt want to invite him. He was angry because like Krista said, he probably needs positve influence and if everyone pushes him away then he will only learn hate. DH reminded me to think back to when this kid first moved in the neighborhood, he was a terror and no one would play with him. So he has come quite a ways. So we decided together that he can come but he has to follow the rules.

 

Exactly.....glad you said this.:angel: and I also agree with you on how you want to handle it. You need to enjoy your ds and family at the party...not worry about what someone else's tiny terror is up to. You're going to be busy without that added job.

 

Touching on what the kid did with the brick, that is a HATE CRIME!

If you dont feel he is a good influence on your ds and only uses him, then I would not invite him. If he shows up, clearly state it is by invitation only. You can be nice about it and still be effective. If you are going to attempt to teach him a lesson this event won't do it. Kids like that need more than not being invited to a party to be phased. He won't look at it like he did something to deserve not being invited, he will look at it like he is the victim and you are the meany.

 

That's OK! I know that not everyone runs their family the way we run ours! Submission is something I have a strong opinion on, but want to make it clear that I'm not a "roll over and let him run all over you" person. I'm great at expressing my opinion (in case you haven't noticed ), and my dh always takes my opinion very seriously. But when all is said and done, HE is he final authority in my home, and I need to be under his authority.

BTW, I do think your "solution" is a good compromise!

 

has your DH been around the kid much? I think you should talk to your son though and just talk about traits in a person we like and don't like....... don't mention the kid by name or anything. your son may just like the challenge of wanting this unlikable kid to be a friend because its just that....... a challenge.

 

It's really a matter for you and your husband to agree on.

If I was faced with this situation, I'd suggest to my wife that we invite the child and that I would be his full time chaperone to ensure he behaves. It might be a good opportunity to develop a relationship with him before he's old enough for previous bad behavior to become locked in place.

But that's just me, and I don't see the full picture.

 

It sounds like the party is not at your house? I think you've made a good decision, but I'll weigh in anyway with what *I* would do.

We would not invite him. However, if he wandered over, we would not immediately kick him out. We would simply step in/clarify what the rules are, and then if they were violated, at that point ask him to leave. But we wouldn't do it carte blanche the moment he wandered over.

All of that said, I think you are making a good decision. I like Steve's idea of having your dh be his chaperone, as well.

 

You are in the right. You can most certainly send this awful child away. Does your dh want your son to become just like that child? You need to talk to your child, in a serious way, about why he is so interested in this bad kid. My son has had these issues too, wanting to be friends with someone who is like that. We have had to discuss things in depth and have him look at why he wants to be friends with that child and so on, what is wrong with it, etc.

(((hugs))) This is hard, I know. But just because the child is 8 does not mean his behavior should be ignored.

 

Momofafew- That is what I'm saying. Birds of a feather, children pick up on things. DH got to see first hand how bad this kid is today. I had him sit in the window today and just watch. Now he says "oh maybe you were right”. The kid let the air out of someone’s tire, threw an egg at my neighbor’s house and ran. DS was in the house, thank God, but the police were called (again). Now it's up in the air again if he's coming or not. I really don't want him there because I don't like him. He won't act up at the party, I don’t think but it's just the general principle that he's a bad kid.

BTW- the party is not in my house but in the open space behind my house. It's not fenced in so people use it for parties and cookouts.

Steve-DH as agreed to watch all the kids at the party

Jackie- No worries

 

I would tell your husband if he feels so strongly aobut letting the kid come, then he can come - if - your husband agrees to stay outside with the kids the entire time to make sure this "bad boy" doesn't harm anyone or do any dammage to your property. He may not feel so much like inviting him if he has to deal with him. - Just me.

 

Where are this kid's parents while he does this stuff??

 

Good question!!! Probably telling everyone how misunderstood their child is. He's really a GOOD BOY, after all, and everyone is out to get him!

 

Or maybe he has a really difficult home life, roams outdoors to escape the arguing and the fighting, does the things he does to garner attention, and - underneath it all - is craving someone who can provide stability in his life. Of course, this doesn't help with the problem at hand (and we shouldn't jeopardize our own family's happiness while trying to help another), but we're talking about a young, troubled child, not a career criminal.

We used to participate in Angel Tree, and the circumstances in which some children live is atrocious. Your heart goes out to them because you know the likely outcome. Still, I've seen some teens overcome their personal situation and do really well in school - and that's very uplifting.

Just trying to give another perspective.

 

Maybe his parents are at home taking naps....like the ones in my neighborhood, whose kids are at MY house.

 

His mom is a single parent and she is young. Maybe 25ish.She doesn’t seem to care at all. We have been over to talk with her numerous times and she always has an “oh well attitude”.

 

Cricutmaster - I am with you all the way on this. I would NEVER invite a child like that to a party for one of my children. I would ABSOLUTELY tell the kid to get lost if he attempted to come to the party. My husband would have to get over himself and deal with it.