I usually don't have difficulty teasing things apart, but I'm very frustrated with my son lately. He's nine years old and has homeschooled since K. We have four separate issues... sleeping all night long in his own bed without waking his parents or his siblings Being nice to his siblings Doing school without complaint Doing chores without complaint Things went well over the summer. My husband was home full time (hes a professor and has summer's off) and my son was good! We had some sleep issues but no other issues with him. Now that Dad is back at work and we are back at school things seem to be exploding... He's sleeping well in his own bed finally, but he has been throwing fits about school and chores and has generally been surly to his sisters. He's just being a poopy butt as we say around here. I'm sure part of it is adjusting to the new schedule, but I don't want to make too many excuses for him. So here's the problem... I made a deal with him that if he slept all night in his bed for two weeks straight he could have a sleep over this weekend. He's on track with that... BUT he's been such a meany around here during the day I really don't want to reward him with a sleepover.... but our deal didn't address other issues... just the sleeping thing which he is doing quite well. So what do I do? Edie
Welcome to what many refer to as....The Rooster Phase. It makes perfect sense that he was better behaved when Dad was home. When Dad is not home, boys that age are trying to fill that position in the home. Not that they are even realizing that is what they are doing (much of it is the onset of testosterone), but it is a time when they need to become aware of their attitudes and actions and adjust them accordingly. The way I approached it with my ds at that age (after it took me a while to figure out what was going on--thanks moms at the Spot!) was to focus on his desire to be a leader and a man. I let him know when his attitude was not appropriate or effective with his desired outcome. I tried to show him what people respect and what they don't, especially when it came to how he was treating his little sister and me. "Does Dad talk to us that way/ignore/get angry/etc.?" The most effective form of discipline at that time was to make him serve the person he offended. If he rushed the table for lunch knocking little sister to the side, he ate last and cleaned up everyone's plates. If he rushed through the door first, he came back and went last. Most of my son's issues were wanting control and to be treated like we treat Dh as the "man of the house", meaning respecting his authority as the dad and husband. Not sure if you are Christian or not, but we did a lot of focusing on how good leaders are first servants to those they lead as well as husbands needing to love their wives in a way that they put their wives ahead of themselves. Now, at 15, Ds is a very respectful and patient young man who will no doubt lead his family and others in his charge in an appropriate way. Sorry such a long post. Just want to encourage you that all boys go through some level of adjusting to hormone changes. Oh, and the bed thing.....I had to call a radio show when my ds was doing the same thing. They told me that Dad needs to be the one to escort him back to his room. In our case it was because sleeping in our room started out as a nursing baby who grew up and never left our bed. :lol: It only took once for my Dh to walk him back to his room and calmly tell him he needed to sleep in his own bed. We allowed morning cuddling, of course, which we enjoyed much more after a solid night's sleep.
Thanks for the help Brooke! It's true, his sleeping issues do get better when Dad takes him back to bed and discusses it with him. I just hate to ask DH for help becuase the beginning of the semester is really stressful for him, so I want to take child care off his plate for a few weeks.
You're deal was for sleeping in his bed so I think you have to honour it. To back out because of the other behaviours will help make rewards and punishment seems arbitrary to him. What's the use of him honoring deals or your requests if you can get out of them after all. I don't think there's any positive to not letting him have the sleepover. I'd address the other stuff separately. Always stay very calm. For rudeness to his siblings I second the servant suggestion. We've used it ourselves. For complaining during schoolwork then he gets to do stop the school work and do some chores. Not easy ones but things like scrubbing toilets and piling firewood. You'll need to stand over him and stay polite and calm and explain that as long as the complaining goes on so while the chore. For complaining during chores, the same thing, they just keep going and getting harder. You stick right by him, no lectures, just calm and polite and supportive if you need to be when something is very hard for him. But it doesn't stop until the complaining does. I like the hard work chores (firewood) for my son better then the nasty ones (toilet) because the exercise often helps clear his head and get him out of the complaining rut he's worked himself into. I don't think of those things as punishment but more along the lines of a chance to reset his behaviour for the morning/day with some quiet and exercise.
He's the dad. Being a dad means you don't get those breaks. Besides, what you see as stressful because you're doing it all day may be something of a break for him from the stress of his job. It works so make it a permanent part of the routine from now on.
I, too, am going through the Rooster Phase. DS is almost 9, and it is crazy the way he tries to make every decision around here. It seems he esp tries to make them in opposition to what I have said. Ack! But I also agree with the servant discipline, and plan on incorporating that into our days. And the doing chores when complaining will no doubt help too. I just love when other people's posts help me so much, too. LOL But I'll say to you what I say to myself -- this shall pass. Things will get better, with patience and love. Do not string up your son.
Ok here's what I say to complaining over chores. I tell Ds no one likes them but it's part of life and if he learns how to accomplish his, his wife will love him for it down the road. Two he can say respectfully, "I don't want to do it, but I will.' That allows him the chance to voice his gripe without being rude. And lastly I tell him part of being a man is learning to work hard and long, also part of his life. I think letting him know he is in training fulfills his male desire to 'fix' things for the women in his life. As to not sleeping in bed and waking others we went through this for years and its only been this past year that he has gotten the message. Part of what helped was an alarm clock. I told him if it isn't seven you have no right to interrupt others who are sleeping. And I explained how sleep is necessary for bodies to function. He loved having the alarm clock because part of his issue is he wakes up and he's raring to go. He didn't realize that others needed more sleep. Now he will wake and return to his bed. Being nice to siblings..hmm that's a tougher issue that is ongoing as their are always sibling issues But I tell my kids they only have each other for siblings and that is special. They need to love each other because as adults if they didn't they won't want to talk to each other and then when we are gone they will be truly alone. I also try to make them see it from the other persons point of view with analogies and role play when things go really bad. And we are always stopping in when the arguing gets out of hand to clear the air and the issues up in a calm fashion. If he were to do something truly mean I think a punishment whether it be time out in his room, no video games, etc would work. And lastly school without complaint I tell them that it is choice to homeschool and at any point should they become too difficult that that choice can be changed. 'Do you want to return to the PS system or can we not agree that homeschooling is far nicer?' They quickly return to schoolwork without complaint. Last year was really cruddy for complaining but this year is better...knock on wood And if the above doesn't work I like to point out all the pros to homeschooling and why they are so blessed and lucky to have this opportunity at this point in their lives. I also regularly remind them how key it is to have a great education to succeed in this world. Especially in these trying times. I think the both have the idea now. My husband and I also discuss with them why it is important for them to want to acchieve for themselves, it will help with their family life not to struggle for money, it will allow them more freedom to choose what they want to do with their lives, etc.. I hope some helps and wish you luck it's not fun when you are in the midst of childhood angst :/
First of all, I agree with Dawn, as much as I hate to say so. (Not that I hate to agree with Dawn, lol, but I think the "right" response is a painful one as a parent!) You need to let him have his sleepover. The "contract" was for sleeping, and he fulfilled it. There were no other strings attached. Yes, I'd LOVE for you to tell him he had a lousy attitude on other things and therefor.... But let's face it. You can ALWAYS find something he's screwed up on (at least, you can if he's like MY kids, lol!) to justify him not having a sleep-over. He needs to know that you will follow through on your agreement with him, rather than finding a way out of it.
If I had made that deal I would have to follow through with it and let him know that you have learned in the future to have attitude clauses in your contracts. We don't reward for expected behavior unless it is an act of mercy from a deserved punishment or a surprise they didn't know was coming. We instead point out the things we would love to offer--and will offer--when we see their attitude/actions line up with a person deserving of the freedom to partake of those things. We don't have curfews, either, because of the implication of distrust. If I say you can go hang out with so-and-so, I trust you to behave at midnight as much as you would behave at 10pm. However, you are aware of our sleeping patterns and your responsibilities come sun up, so be respectful of the time you choose to come home so as not to abuse your freedom. So far so good with that method. I'll let you know if that changes once he gets his license. :roll:
Rooster Phase! So much makes sense now to me now! Thank you Edie, for bringing this up. Brooke, you may have just saved my life. Ladies, you all have had some great ideas as usual. Edie, I know how much you hate to feel like you're rewarding bad behaviour, but I agree, it's only fair to have the sleepover. I can't offer any better advice than what you've gotten, all I can say is you are not alone. And now I know I'm not either. Cool.
I'm grateful you brought this up as well, Edie! We aren't having the same problems with our 9yo (for the most part, he's behaving), but there is definitely an element of thinking he's the 'man' here when Daddy is unavailable. He tells my dd what to do or corrects something she is doing (even when that goes contrary to what I told her), and generally acts a bit arrogant sometimes. There are moments when I think we are 1 bad word away from him saying, "Get me a beer, b****", and that drives me CRAZY. My dh then has another talk with him about being a man and what that means. No advice, but plenty of sympathy!
Thanks for the advice everyone! We had another tantrum this morning over his spelling test. He took it without studying at all and failed it yesterday. I deleted it and had him take it again today. He was SOOOOO mad at me for doing that. It led to an all out running kicking screaming get sent to his room tantrum. Wow!! After he calmed down we had a private talk and he shared a few things with me. He's tired of never getting time away from his little sister (She adores him and follows him everywhere) and he was just plain old mad that he had to take the test over again. I promised to give him some space from his sister in the mornings before school, and explained that I didn't mind if he didn't get an A on a test, but failing meant he didn't know the material so he needed to try again. This is the first year he's had real "grades" so it's kind of a new concept to him. Then I helped him study his words. He took the test again and got an A! He only missed 1 out of 24. I told him I was proud and I knew he could do it it he studied. I think he was pretty proud. I promised to study spelling with him in the future. I think he's feeling a little neglected this year because little sis in in first grade and suddenly has more school work and needs lots of time from mom. I've been letting him be more independent, but he doesn't like it. LOL! So lots of stuff going on with my young man. I will have to be more aware of his needs and how they are different than my girls needs. He my only boy, so he's a bit of an experiment! LOL! Edie
I am also thinking that maybe he's still waking up at night but just not getting up? I have a horrible time going back to sleep when I wake up at night. Could it be that he was making himself stay in bed to keep his part of the deal but still not sleeping well? If he's waking several times or waking and not being able to go back to sleep, he's probably tired. I know I'm pretty grumpy when I'm tired so maybe that's also part of his attitude lately? I'd definitely let him have his sleepover.
Um. Yeah. Our 9 year old is a regular bossy, bullying, cocky pain in the butt lately, too! I'm glad to see this is common because I'm about to pull my hair out. We've started calling him Mommy lately. Just earlier today I was having the "that's odd, I could have sworn I was the mother..." talk with him. Rooster phase. That's the perfect description. I'll have to chat with my husband about steering those hormones appropriately.
DH had a talk with my DS when he got home. He made it very clear that these over the top tantrums are not acceptable. If he is angry or grumpy his is allowed to take some time alone in his room (by his choice) to cool off, but if he has anymore of these screaming kicking throwing things tantrums he will permanently lose his Wizard 101 account. That definitely got his attention!! He's been very nice this morning We'll see how the day continues! Edie
Call me a quitter today but I didn't read everything, I did read Dawn's response and I agree with everything she had to say. Now not reading everything else I would after the sleepover add a new task to manage to have another sleep over in 2 (or so) weeks... like "You proved you could sleep in your bed, now lets keep that going and if you can do that and get through school every day for X weeks, then you can have another sleepover." (or movie or what ever reward would help motivate him).
I have a 9 year old too. My other son is 11 so we just went through this before it seems like. The best advice I can give is praise the qualities you want to see in a young man and give him alternative ways to cope when he makes a mistake. (I swear when I started doing this I could see him sigh with relief) When I acknowledge that they are becoming a fine young man (the thing they want most in the world) that makes them so happy!
I agree the deal was the deal, I would however let him knwo in now uncertain terms that he wil have to suffer for what he does wrong. THe party could still be there but after the party is over he can be given the list for behaving during school. I think you need to go over school rules, how behavior needs to be and what happens if not. Someone here suggested for someone else an IF-- then _-- list, if they do this then they do this.. good and bad things for good and bad behavior is great!
I explained the analogy to Carlos this morning and he thought it was funny. He didn't disagree, lol! So all day when he's been bossy I've asked him to stop being a rooster. I think I must have said it a dozen times so far today. :lol:
