Two people I dearly love are tearing apart their home. And my heart. If any of you has had experience with the "D" word, either your own or with someone close to you, or if anyone cares to share wisdom, I NEED IT! 'Never been there B4. 'Never done that. 'Know nothing about protocol and don't want to make things more complicated than they already are! Like I say, I have no roadmap here, other than knowing it's painful for everyone, knowing that God hates it, too, but that His mercy & love will prevail. I will carefully read anything you share. Thanks so much! "Prairie"
Prarie, I really feel for you!!! I don't have any wisdom in how to deal with an ex-dil, because mine was only married to my dss for just a few months. No kids, and she and I didn't have a relationship to begin iwth (their choice, not mine!) I know my mom went through a lot of heartbreak when my little brother and his wife split. I would encourage you to regard any step-grandchildren as if they were NOT step. I know that can be difficult; my parents tried, but didn't pull it off very well. You might ask Crystal. Her family is REALLY blended, so she might have a bit of wisdom. As far as taking a "back seat", I guess you'd have to trust God's timing as to when and how. I'm sorry I don't have any great wisdom for you, but I do send you a great big HUG!!!
I wouldn't cut ties with your daughter-in-law if you still love her. Just because people divorce doesn't mean others have to stop loving the "EX". You have a history together and a grandchild. This is a blessing from above. If you were to "cut the ties", your grandchild would be more tramatized then he/she is already going to be because of this divorce. Your grandchild needs the security of knowing what they can depend on as much as possible. I would also include any new children in as family, if the day ever comes. It isn't their fault this is happening and it is always a blessing to have extra family that loves you. As far as when to accept these things, I do not think you have to agree with it, but you need to accept it because it is happening whether you agree or not. This is the hard part. Remember, to cut ties with the daughter-in-law is to cut ties with your grandchild. She is his caretaker and must have some good qualities. I am sorry you are going through this. My sister was divorced a few years ago. Her husband was very abusive. Although we were glad she was getting away from him, it still broke our hearts to see her pain and especially the pain of my niece and nephews. They suffered the most and are still dealing with it to this day. God bless!!! Patty
I have no advice, however I wish to send you a huge hug and know that I am thinking of you. ((((( HUG )))))
Thank you all three for helping me get started in thinking this through. Our dil is very dear to us. By "taking a back seat," I actually did not mean "cutting ties with her." I can't imagine that. It's just that I don't want to get in the way of any new relationship. We hope both dear ones will establish stable, new homes, & I don't want to be a constant reminder of difficult times. Maybe that shouldn't be a concern. Yes, she will always be our grandson's dear mother & has already assured us that she'll keep in touch. If remarriage happens for both her & our ds, there could be four or more sets of grandparents for our d gr.son, depending on if any of the grands have been married more than once. It's almost more than I can think clearly about. You said, "It isn't their fault this is happening, and it's always a blessing to have more family that loves you." Yes. That's true. That helps! I will remember that--more love, as well as more prayers! Jackie, my heart tells me, too, that all the children will simply be "our grandchildren." I see potential for misunderstanding, but maybe it won't happen. Thanks again for the blessings, hugs, & widom! Feel free to add more. It helps me to hear how my words sound to others. If you help me talk about this here, then I'll be more prepared to visit gracefully with our ds & ddil.
If I were to lose my daughter in law it would be like a death in the family. I have tears just thinking about it. I wish I had great words of wisdom for you but I don't. In answer to some of you questions about children involved I would say to include any step kids of your sons just like they were your grandkids. As for the daughter in law you love so dearly, talk to her if she has another mans children in her life and see how she would feel about you buying the same for them as your grand child. I have found with Babyboy, who is not related but we consider him our grandson, that his "real" grandparents don't like that he will call us Papa and Gran and they find it odd that we buy him bonds and gifts for birthday and Christmas presents. I don't know if you had thought about that one but what the new kids call you can become an issue too. Talk it over with the parents as it comes up and have it agreed on from the start. If you want to be called the same name their biological grandparents are called you might need to add a pet name or your name to it. Like Papa Freddy or something. I think I have read your posts enough to know you are going to put the feelings of the innocent kids in this first and make this as easy and comfortable for them as possible. I admire you for trying to be a soft place to fall for the ones injured in this difficult situation. Take care of yourself too. You are going through a tough time. Beth
My dss' called my parents "Grandma Carol and Grandpa Jack". They call Carl's parents "Grandma and Grandpa", and their maternal g'ma is Grandma Jo. But the boys really don't have a relationship with my parents. My three call both sets "G'ma and G'pa", but we will put the last name to it if needed to keep them straight. The boys have always called me by my first name. Carl said something to them about calling me "Mom", but I told him not to push it. I would have been thrilled, but their mom was still in their life, and I wouldn't have wanted them to feel that I was trying to "replace" her.
And do Carl's first in-laws consider your children their grandchildren? That's the position I would be in & have the most questions about, although it would be what I would want to do. How would that make you feel? (If you don't mind me asking a personal question.)
I have not been in this situation on either side of the family, thankfully. But I have had a few very close friends that have divorced and it nearly broke my heart. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if it were family. My prayers, as always, are going up for you and your family. The pain is hard to bear, but I know it will get easier. I would encourage you to love each and every person (now and to come) as Christ would love them. You don't have to give up on one to love another. Does that make sense? I have a feeling, after all that I have learned about you, you won't have trouble doing that at all. You are a very loving, compassionate person. I think when the time comes, and there are new wives with other children in the picture, you will do what feels right for you and it won't be as hard as you think. And you know, there is always a chance that your ds and ddil will find someone without other children. That would help things not be so "sticky". You are a precious friend, and I will be praying daily for you. Hugs!!!!
My dh has an "ex" that still attends family events. This ex-husband is not the only one. My dh's family says that family is family. They consider in-laws as close as blood. They also don't believe in breaking off ties just because a divorce occurred. They say that they didn't divorce this family member. And really, it all works out. All the kids are treated exactly the same. There is no such thing as "steps", "ex's", or any other label. It is all family! I can't imagine rejecting love. I think your dil would appreciate knowing she is still a part of your life. I think she would also appreciate knowing that her children will be seen equal in your eyes. I can't imagine anyone not appreciating that. I honestly, do not know. I think that as long as you stand on love and respect your dil and her new family, you will be fine. I do pray that you are not an ex, however.
Wow Ava Rose that is neat. My family we don't have any ex coming back. If we did we would need to rent another room. LOL
There is quite a bit of divorce in my dh's family. I think that is why they have taken on that attitude. Not all the ex-wives and husbands are as receptive to spending the holidays with their ex-family...but for the few that take part it is a blessing. My fil and mil are divorced. My fil is always invited to my mil's events. He never attends. In fact, after 20 some years he is still bitter over the divorce.
I would send the gifts right to the grandson. To which ever house he will be on christmas. Talk to the dil and ask her how she feels with you continuing to be part of her life. IF she is comfortable, then introduce your self to the "new guy". let him know that you love your grandson very much and that you would like to include "his" children on special holidays like christmas............... take it one situation at a time. If you feel comfortable doing so. When it comes to this kind of stuff you make up the rules as you go. My mom still gets letters and Christmas cards from her EX's dd. And she has had lunch a few times with her EX's parents. (in this case her EX was the guy after my dad).
These words have brought grateful tears to my eyes--almost like you all have more "faith" in me than I do in myself! I do have faith in God, but when I'm feeling weak, I'm tempted to think that even HE can't use me! Already, there is at least one other precious child involved. Thank you for your prayers. You know what? Some day, our enemy is going to be so-o sorry he messed with this family, because we are going to keep on loving each one & all their in-laws & "out-laws" & every precious child involved, & we're going to keep on hoping & praying that each one will come to know their Creator & Redeemer. So, in the final reckoning, The King's puposes will be fulfilled, in spite of the present apparent losses. Isaiah 53 says that some day He will "divide the spoil with the strong." Oh! The spoils of war include treasures! And the souls of precious ones that need to be claimed for His kingdom would be the greatest treasures of all. "Them's fightin' words!" (someone once said in a lighter context), but it's true. Bouyed with devotions (with my mighty fine husband this early morning) & now, with reading all your encouragement here & in pms, I feel courage starting to grow in me to fight against my own emotions of defeat & sadness as well as courage to pray more fervently, with hope, for everyone involved. I will try "to be a soft place to fall for the ones injured in this difficult situation." Thank you, each one of you! "Prairie" PS We'll admire the treasures--the "spoils of war"--together someday in The King's eternal kingdom! Let's count on it: each prayer is ownership in treasure!
Amen, Prairie! Well said! Whenever you wonder if God can use you read Hebrews 11. After being encouraged by the faith of those it mentions, remember who these people were. The bible tells us that His strength is made perfect in OUR weakness. Saying that God may not be able to use us is really saying that we don't trust God or that God has a weakness. If we are not used by God it is because WE do not allow it...WE allow our weakness to be imposed on God's perfect plan. I know you are not one to sit by and allow the enemy to attack your faith in the Lord's ability to use you. You are willing to be used by the Lord, so you will be....you will be. The Lord placed these people in your life. That alone is an encouraging thought. We all doubt ourselves and we are all weak or flawed. Aren't you so grateful that our God is none of those things?! He will even use our flaws and weakness to His glory! What an awesome God we serve. Much love and many prayers to you and your family!
